Story Time with Dio.

Stories of the those from House Dragoon Talanador, the Company of the Dragon and the Tavern itself.

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Dioxane Carcin
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Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2006 6:49 pm
Location: Talos Park

Story Time with Dio.

Post by Dioxane Carcin » Mon Jan 04, 2016 8:18 pm

It started with a question from Taneth.

"Dio, how long does it take to tie up Dris?"

"Six minutes and forty seven seconds!" Was Dioxane's response. Followed quickly by "Four minutes, twelve seconds if you don't do it the hot way!"

Taneth wanted to know "What is the hot way?" Blinking, while she asked.

Dio Conjured up a NSFW picture and handed it to Taneth. "That is the hot way."

Dris, for his part, wanted to know where Dio got that picture.

Dio responded confidently "Talent, Driscol of the West Redlawn Driscols. Talent." Which confused Dris. Not the picture, but the referring him as West Redlawn. It made no sense, which makes perfect sense, given that it was Dioxane Carcin who said it. It all works out.

"Note to self. Give Dio a raise." Dris then said. Which led to...

"I could certainly use the money. Meds are expensive."

"What kind of meds are we talking?" Dris wanted to know.

"I have meds for my blood pressure. Doctor said it is too low because I am undead. I have meds for mental stability. Doctor said it is too unstable because I am undead. I have meds for pre-natal care. Doctor said I am unable to have babies, so I figure it is okay to take these pills anyway. I have meds for eyesight. Doctor said nothing about it, but I like saying I have meds for eyesight."

"The meds for eyesight only being legal in a couple states, btw. We don't discuss that publicly yet. Though it should be a topic for discussion, I think. Who wants to talk about meds for eyesight publicly?? Raise your hand!" People were summarily freaked out when Dio suddenly took one arm off and raises it with the other.

"I also have meds for an ingrown toenail but I could never get the toe to take it." Popping the arm back into its socket and giving it a test swivel. "Plus, meds are expensive." Then she began sealing the skin from the removed arm like it was putty. You know, pinching and molding it. A move that then grossed at least Dris out.

To break the tension, Dio offered to play a game of Twister. But Dris only wanted to if Dio kept her limbs attach which she thought would be unfair. This caused Dris to say "Ye're darn tootin'!" As he turned cowboy for all of a second.

Dio then replied simply "I have not had beans in ages."

"Probably for the best."Agreed Driscol.

Giving a reason why, Dio replied "I'll say. The last time I did, I set the forest I was in on fire. Would you like to hear about the bet I took?"

Always a gentleman, Dris whistled low. "Let's hear it." He loves stories!

Without taking a deep breath, because she's an undead Death Knight Spines Super Villain Hero with Super Reflexes so doesn't need to breathe, Dio began her tale.

"Well this one time, a group of us were out hunting orcs in Northern Hellfire Peninsula, which, as you all know, all the orcs tend to hang out. That is where they like eating elves and dipping bread in this frothy tomato bisque that is, to be terribly honest, to die for. They add these light spices that bring out the flavor of the tomatos just right and when the bread is crisp and fresh hot from the oven, breaking off a piece to dip into the bisque is one of the most delicious things you have ever encountered. Nobody expects orcs to be able to cook such delicacies, everyone believes them to be mean and cruel and gnaw on the bones of lesser beasts like elves and gnomes and halflings but not goblins because they like bossing goblins around. They make the goblins go to the spice mines of Kessel in order to get the spices for their bisque, which, as I have said, is absolutely delicious.

(A break for the reader, she never stopped talking. At all.)

Well, since the orcs aren't ones to share their tomato bisque recipes, you have to go to Northern Hellfire Peninsula in order to hunt them down and possibly kill enough of these orcs to hope that one will drop the recipe, and if they drop the recipe then you have to go hunt the goblins so that you can get the spices from Kessel that you need to add to the tomato bisque but it's really hard because there aren't many goblins hanging out in Northern Hellfire, they're all somewhere else, like, in Nagrand on the South Side, where, of course, Goblins hang out with their tougher neighbors, the Crips. Well, Crips don't like it when you bother the goblins in their hood so you have to negotiate with their leader, a Tough MFer named Hans who doesn't like it when you compare his name to the guy who got dropped from the Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve and had his holidays totally ruined. That was no fun for him. But if you compare him to the Hans from that Disney movie he laughs. But not in a HAHAHAHA sort of way, just a kinda "Heh" sort of way which makes me wonder what kind of real man laughs like a "heh" and why can't he laugh like a real man? It turned out that he had one of his lungs punctured at a young age because of a drive-by so if he laughs too heartily it hurts a lot and you don't want a Crip named Hands hurting because then he may, as he is wont to say "bust a cap in yo azz" or something. Not that I know what an Azz is but it sounds pretty funny.

(A break for the reader, she never stopped talking. At all.)

So, once you get through the Hans debacle and he doesn't bust a cap in yo azz he may be happy to let you talk to one of the goblins and negotiate for some of that delicious spice that is used in the orcs tomato bisque but you cannot tell Hans that you're going to kill the goblin for the spice because that is the only way to get the spice to drop and if Hans finds out about killing goblins in his hood, see the aforementioned statement about caps. So, we got the spice and we had the recipe but there was one problem. We did not have the tomatos! So you know what we had to do next? That's right! We snuck into Stormwind to go raid the plantations of tomato farms so that we could have the next ingredient for the delicious orc tomato bisque! And then the living tomatoes were kinda mad that we disturbed their slumber so we then had to find the non living tomatos who didn't put up nearly as much of a fight, this made it easier to make the Delicious Orc Tomato Bisque. Well, after getting all those ingredients we took them up to the forest moon of Endor to have a cookout and toast marshmallows and sing campfire songs in a safe and happy environment and after all the settings were placed and we got ready to make the delicious orc tomato bisque do you know what we found out?

(A break for the reader, she never stopped talking. At all.)

That's right! We forgot all the ingredients and ended up with a couple cans of beans! So we made the beans and Johnny said "Did you know you can light your personal gas on fire?" and I said "No" And he bet me I couldn't do it. Well, I am undead so my personal gas is a bit stronger than what beans cause, so when it was my turn to go, I took out a good portion of the forest and had to have an O-Ring replaced. So, that was how I set a forest on fire."

"Do you want to hear about where we got the marshmallows from?"

"Do tell!"

"We bought them at the supermarket." A pause. "They were on sale."

Dris pointed a finger at Dio. "Yooooou." But he's snickering all the same.

"What did I do?" Blinking as Dris is pointing at her.

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