Rollercoaster

[Amaris]

Amaris sat quietly tapping her pen against the notebook, music streaming through her room as she looked down at her blank sheet. Tap … tap … tap …tap!

She got annoyed, stopping her tapping, but then her foot went to work. Thump … thump… thump… She growled softly, her eyes turning golden as she wrote a short sentence about her summer:

“Dad was killed and now I’m alone, again… only with a roof over my head this time. With memories I don’t want to remember because they hurt!”

She scratched frantically at the paper, crossing it all off. Then, she moved down and tried again.

“Summer showed me I have gained so much and lost even more as quickly. Far before this summer I started with two birth parents, lost them both by my own claws… Then at my lowest I gained friends one or two slowly at a time, building friends was easy, shoving down my past and how I felt about it? Surprisingly easy. Slowly I started to build a new life, a new family was growing. Suddenly I was faced with two fathers, both loved me, both cared about me and showed it in different ways. One saw my fight and spirit and nurtured it, the other saw beyond that potential to EVERY potential I could have and provided me with every opportunity. Both burrowed into my heart with hooks and thorns that held them in place as beauty grew. And just as quickly my heart was ripped to shreds & pulled out by those thorns and hooks. Both gone, one by my inability to help, even when I would fight tooth and claw to keep them both safe I couldn’t even save one, and in a blink of an eye I stand in the world alone.
I have family, I have Aunts, cousins, sisters, uncles and friends and other kinds of family but I’m alone in a world full of love! I can’t figure out how one person let alone two leaving at the same time could rip me apart so thoroughly. I love my family but I still feel like I’m completely alone. Logically I know I’m not but emotionally all I want to do is scream and scream and scream and be left alone. No amount of people telling me I’m not alone is breaking through to my bleeding heart. The pain won’t stop! Smiles on the outside like nothing bad has happened to me, so many telling me that if I need anything to tell them that they’re here for me. How do I break through this wall to them? I live every day like nothing is wrong except when I’m at home or alone. I long for full moons when I can slip this skin and lose myself to the wolf inside instead of sharing the mind, body and soul! I don’t want to feel anymore, I don't want to think anymore!”

Tears traced down her cheeks unchecked and uncontrolled, until the pen stopped on the page, and she realized she was yet again crying. She put a huge X through her last bit of writing before throwing the pen across the room, at the wall, with an ear shattering roar of frustration. She swiped at the tears she hated. She shouldn’t cry, she shouldn’t be upset, she should be STRONGER than a crying kid. Pushing away from the desk, she stood, reaching for a pillow, and screamed loudly.


Her fur family had already let her be. When she snapped, they knew better than to find their way to her because she kept pushing them away. When she’d calm later, they’d come and snuggle her, even though their every fiber and instinct said to go to her.

After she was unable to scream anymore, she moved towards her door, opening it and heading for the kitchen where she gathered garbage bags, then headed for her room. Stuffed animals scattered about were snatched up and tossed into the bag; memories that she didn’t want to see anymore were put into the bags. Three bags full, and she looked at the bare room, chewing her lip as she gazed at the knicknacks.

She picked up one snow globe slowly, twisting the little key at the bottom. Soft music started to fill the room. She shook it back and forth a few times as snow filled in; tears again fell, and she launched back her arm and threw the toy towards the wall. With a satisfying shatter, it exploded against the wall, liquids, fake snow and glitter littering her floor as she just stared at her empty hands where the orb had been previously. She turned towards the wall, now moving quickly, the bag dropping to the floor as she knelt on the broken glass. She screamed and sobbed into the silence. To her feet she went, losing control. She’d tried so hard to minimize the damage, but once one memory was pulverized she couldn’t stop.

Fur sprouted. Des’ spell didn’t work this time. Her clothing ripped to shreds as she grew in size, her muzzle pushing forward, bones cracking sickeningly, skin sloughing off her as fur grew in and blood oozed from the sharp angles that her transformation was bringing on. She was savage, angry… and well, shit, she forgot it was the full moon. Then, she was gone, her mind lost to the instincts of the wolf, and the wolf’s instinct at this moment was to destroy.

She ransacked her room like the beast she was, bed broken and thrown across the room, dresser completely splintered, likewise the desk with the essay, splintered, contents scattered, art supplies tossed about, paint splashed against the walls. Trinkets were tossed and shattered here and there. Her claws sunk into the walls, leaving open wounds, like what was going on inside herself, oozing open wounds that nothing seemed to be able to heal.

Through the door she went, several things throughout the house tossed, shattered or obliterated to pieces. Finally the cave door was broken open and shattered glass left behind her, inside the threshold. Outside, the howl ripped from her throat as she raged into the woods, claws slashing at larger trees, and shorter trees were brought down with ease.

~You don’t have anyone anymore, you don’t need to be talked at you are a wolf a lone wolf and don’t need anyone~

Thoughts raced through her head as she ran blindly through the forest. Up ahead was a huge cliff which came up abruptly, looking down at the valley below. Eyes glowed amber as she saw something that brought both minds together again: the fucking clinic. The one place that her dad loved and she hated. It kept him away from her so often, late nights spent there instead of spending time with her. She wanted all the time with him to herself, but they had stolen so much of it from her.

Her legs carried her down silently through the village with the stealth her kind carried. At the door to the clinic, she broke in without a care, claws breaking anything before her. The front desk, computers, and chairs went through windows. Crashes, howls, and ripping sounds echoed into the late night. In her wake, the inside of the clinic was flipped upside down and destroyed before she moved on into the night, letting it engulf her, leaving destruction in her wake. Thankfully no beings were in her way that night, but if they had it might have been bad for them.