Battlefield Bones FC

[XanthVanBokkelen]

Tryouts




"I can't get over the fact that Xanth owns and coaches a soccer team now. Where'd he learn about soccer anyway?" Vallen said to Varseen as the two goblins walked up to the pitch at The Boneyard.

"Hey, he's Xanth. He's read books on everything, or pretty much so anyway." Varseen countered, as they approached Xanth on the sideline.

Xanth was staring hard with his ruby gaze at the field, arms crossed, with a new Clipboard of Doom (Version 2) grasped in one hand. Today was
Open Tryouts, players who wanted a chance to be on the team were being analyzed by Xanth and his staff of orc trainers. He was scrutinizing a figure that was standing like a statue if front of one of the goals.

Now who is this supposed to be? Xanth questioned out loud.

Varseen squinted at the goal, then piped up. "That's Augustus Quickstop! I recruited him! He's got a hundred years experience as a goalie! Plus he works dirt cheap!"

A hundred years experience . . . Xanth watched Augustus once more. Augustus was a shambling mess of a zombie, hunched over on one side, his jaw hanging loose. He was wearing a snazzy new Battlefield Bones jersey, regardless. Augustus was still standing rigid in front of the goal as one of the Bones' trainers came dribbling the ball up towards him. The orc trainer took a shot at the goal, the ball zipping a foot to the right of Augustus' head and into the net. After three long, awkward seconds, Augustus' arm waved upwards as if swatting at an imaginary fly.

"Uuurrrrggghhhhhrrrrrrggggghhhh", grunted Augustus.

DIRT CHEAP! Why you little brainless twit! How am I supposed to unleash totaalvoetbal on our enemies with a goalie like that? I outta RIP YOUR EARS OFF! Xanth advanced menacingly on Varseen.

"Wait, Lord Xanth! Look at who else I got!" Varseen quickly pointed at midfield, at the big blue-skinned Ogre standing there. "Borrick wants to play for us too!"

Xanth stopped his advance to look out at the Ogre, and he grunted contemplatively. Well, luckily for you, I'm intrigued. He then called out to the Ogre. Alright, show me what you are capable of.

"BORRICK PLAY BALL!" Borrick thundered. He punched the orc trainer standing in front of him in the face, knocking him to the ground, then picked up the ball with both hands. He rumbled down the field as if he was playing rugby, shoulderblocked the goalie out of the way, then lifting the soccer ball over his head, he slammed it into the net with both hands. He beat his chest with his fists before lifting them into the air, roaring in triumph.

Xanth watched the display for a few seconds. Now that is outstanding, he remarked with a nod of approval.

[XanthVanBokkelen]

Tryouts - Day 2



Xanth was glancing at his Clipboard while prowling the Boneyard as tryouts continued. I still don't have a decent midfield. I have seen two
Slimes, a Slug, and a Rock Golem. I need more speed. Maybe I can concoct a potion for that . . . , he mused.

"Lord Xanth! I think I found an answer to one of your problems!" Varseen came running up to Xanth and pointed behind him to someone that was following him onto the field.

That someone was a young Marilith woman, who slithered up to Xanth from the sideline. Her bottom half was green and snake-like, and she had six arms that each held a different object: Pocket Mirror, Cell Phone, Hair Brush, Lipstick, Handbag, Soccer Ball. Her hair was swept back with a bandana across her forehead, and her soccer jersey was tied in front to expose her grey midriff. She was studying her fangs intently in the pocket mirror. "I'm all gucci, baby."

And who the hell is this. Xanth turned slowly to look at Varseen.

Varseen opened his mouth to answer, but the Marilith woman spoke first. "I'm Sescara! Like one word, like a supermodel! I'm totally thrilled to be here! Do you need a cheerleader?"

No I do not need . . . grrr . . . why did you bring her here? Xanth growled at Varseen again.

"Sescara, tell Xanth that story you told me. About the spiders." Varseen spoke hurriedly.

"Oh yeah. I was telling Varseen about how salty I get when I'm at my cave at home, and these spiders try to come in my place and steal my food, and I have to, like, SMACK them away! Total tools. I don't put up with that uncool behavior, periodt." Sescara put two of her hands on her hips and looked huffy.

"If she can smack away spiders, she can smack away balls." Varseen finished.

I see. Perhaps my assistant here actually came up with a good idea. Alright then, do you see that net? I watch you to stand in front of it. When my
trainers here kick these balls at you, I want you to picture them as those spiders you referred to, and smack them away from that net. Do you think you can do that?

"That sounds totally sus, but whatever." Sescara slithered up to the net, still brushing her hair and checking herself in the mirror.

Are you done primping? Xanth asked tersely.

"Oh! Sorry." She took one last look in her mirror. "FIRE." Then she tucked all her belongings in the handbag and turned to look at Xanth and the trainers.

Now then. Give her a shot. Xanth said to the trainer.

The orc trainer looked at Xanth quizzically. "What?"

KICK. BALL. Xanth began, pointing at the ball with each word, AT. SNAKE. WOMAN. He finished with more emphatic points at Sescara.

"Oh, yeah. Right."

Muttonhead. Xanth muttered to himself.

The orc trainer kicked the ball at Sescara. One of her hands shot up to knock it away. "As if!" Another ball was batted away. "So not cool!" And another. "Whatever!"

Now. Give her a BARRAGE. Xanth said, making a steeple of his fingers.

The various orc trainers began peppering the Marilith woman with a volley of soccer balls, and Sescara's hands began whipping around the air, rejecting each one as they got near her.

Splendid! SPLENDID! HmmHmmHaHaHaHaHaHa! Xanth rubbed his hands together in evil glee.

"So I totally get the job, right?" Sescara said, wending her way over to Xanth.

Most assuredly.

"Hold on, hold on . . . " She wriggled next to Xanth, leaned in close to him and held up her cell phone. "SELFIE!" One of her hands made the peace sign and she bared her fangs in a big smile. Before Xanth could object, she snapped the photo. "If you want, I'm totally up for a team swimsuit calendar, no cap!"

I just bet you are. Xanth extricated himself from the Marilith woman and stomped off to another section of the field to deal with some other crisis.

[XanthVanBokkelen]

Game 1 - New Haven Wolves FC at the Boneyard
August 7th - 3:00 PM RST

Ladies and Gentlemen and . . . no wait, Living and Nonliving! Yeah, that's better. Here we are for your own Battlefield Bones season opener!
I'm your Announcer, Skull Vinny, and our color commentator for today is Hatyr the Satyr, who with one toot of his pipes can . . .

The sound of snoring fills the background.

Oh, never mind, he's been listening to his own music again. Let's move on from Sleeping Beauty here. It's a beautiful day at the Boneyard.
What strategies does Xanth have in store for the opposition? What tricks does he have up his robe? We got an exclusive interview from his
backup goalie and zombie, Augustus Quickstop. Let's hear what he has to say.

Interviewer: Augustus, Xanth claims to be an aficionado of totaalvoetbal. Do you think this strategy will bring victory for your team?

Augustus: Uuurrrrrgggghhhhhhuuuurrrruuuurrrrrrgggghhh.

Interviewer: A well thought out response, Augustus. Back to you, Skull.

Alright then. Let's all give a big hand and warm welcome to our very own Battlefield Bones!


As the game was getting ready to start, Xanth was standing on the Bones' sideline, speaking to two blue blobs.

Now I'm doing this against my better judgement. The two orcs I had lined up to be midfielders got in a fight last night and brained each
other with clubs because one stole the other one's caramel corn. As ridiculous as that sounds, it gets worse. That leaves you two gelatinous
globules as my only backups, and I have to send you in.

"Don't worry, you can count on Goodfrey and Goodwin Slime!" Goodfrey replied.

"We've got this, Coach Xanth! You'll be slurpised! Ooze better than the Slime Brothers? NOBODY!" Goodwin said, backing him up.

Just do not humiliate me out there, go ahead. Xanth waved the slimes onto the pitch and they dribbled out to the midfield.

The action was fast and intense the whole game. Borrick the Ogre was able to muscle his way in and score a goal before he was handed a red
card for kneeing an opponent in the back.

"BORRICK SMASH FACE OF PUNY REF!" Borrick said as he was being dragged off the field.

It is YOUR fault, dammit. You do that sort of thing AFTER the game. He signaled to the ref timeout to get his team in order.
Now listen. We can only field ten people. Sescara, you have to be additionally vigilant, do you understand?

Sescara the Marilith goalie was adjusting her spiffy new grey and black Bones bandana and perked up when Xanth started speaking to her.
"Oh! Totally. I got this. Rilly."

Xanth's ruby gaze didn't give the impression he was convinced, but the game resumed.

While the ball was on the Wolves' side of the field, Sescara took the time to check her mirror and finger-comb her hair with her other
hands. She then noticed a tall, brooding, goth looking Death Knight sitting in the front row of the stands. Her eyes got wide. "OMG!
Look at how swole he is! He's so dark and nihilistic! I gotta get his attention!" Sescara began frantically waving her six hands at him.
"Yoohoo! Handsome! Look at me! You're so snatched in your black armor! How about a soft launch after the game?"

Just then the net behind Sescara rattled as the ball slammed into it from a Wolves player.

Skull: GOOOAAAAALLLL!!! The Wolves have caught the goalie napping . . . Hatyr told me to say that . . . and they have tied the game!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FLIRTING? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND BACK IN THE GAME!!! Xanth bellowed from the sidelines
at Sescara.

Sescara was cringing with two of her hands covering her face and two others covering her head. "Ohhhhhh, SMH! Why does Coach Xanth have
to be such a MEANIE. I am high key stressed right now. Okay, I've got to chill. I need this job, my college loans are insane."

Once again, the Bones managed to get the ball into the Wolves half of the field. Sescara was trying hard not to check out the Death Knight,
but soon a pretty female vampire wearing a low cut and tight Bones vendor uniform came over to him. They struck up a conversation as she
tried to sell him some kind of meat, and she giggled playfully.

That drew Sescara's full attention. "NO! Don't mess with that thot! Ohhhhh!" She shook two of her fists down in frustration. She glanced
down the field at the ball that was still far away from her, at the Death Knight, then finally Xanth who was glaring furiously at her.

"I've got an idea!" She pulled out a magic marker that she was using to sign autographs before the game, and began to write on all six of
her hands. When she finished, she held up all her hands together to make an impromptu billboard.

SESCARA
555-017X
CALL ME!!!

"Yooohoooo!! Over here, you total zaddy!!!" She called out to the Death Knight.

The Bones net shook as once again the Wolves slipped in behind her and scored another goal right before the 90 minute mark.

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!! INMYOFFICENOW!!!! Xanth roared and busted his Clipboard across his knee before pointing imperiously to Sescara
as the game ended 2-1.