THE WINDS OF CHANGE: The Flame Flickers

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop at ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 23rd February (2019); Early Afternoon

It is difficult for me to focus on finishing the fragrance I am working on for this year's Fashion Week. My thoughts keep drifting to Connar which is really nothing new. My thoughts continually return to him --whether or not I have seen him. The more time I get to spend with him, the greedier I get. For now we are both adjusting to the changes which frequent our lives: where we meet, our duties, the dangers threatening us, etc. The one constant is our love for each other. The initial awkwardness which is often part of our reunions seems to fade faster with each passing year...or decade in Connar's case.

We verbally spar and tease and our conversations run the gamut from old jests, fond memories and the inevitable complexities involved in explaining concepts from our very different worlds. Whenever I believe I might be besting him during our banter, he always manages to say or do something that distracts me or renders me speechless.

While I do not know all of who Connar truly is when he is in his realm, serving his god, I am blessed to experience the gentleness and tenderness which still resides within him. In fact, he has started to share a To Do List of sorts during his time in RhyDin. Thus far it includes:

1. Is seeing me.
2. Is knowing I am well.
3. Is hearing my voice.
4. Is smelling my scent.
5. Is feeling my touch.

Number 6 was demonstrated by a soft kiss to my lips.

I wonder what else might be on this list of his...


~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 23rd of March (2019), Late Afternoon.


This past month has been hectic if nothing else, but it has been very emotional as well. I am not even certain where to begin.

The preparations for Fashion Week were intense, but the Kick Off was spectacular as always. I auctioned a special Tenth Anniversary fragrance to coincide with this year's events. I am utterly exhausted and relieved it is over. I feel as if I could sleep at least a month if not more. The only way I think I survived was because I not only got to see Connar nearly regularly, but I actually caught some short catnaps with him which meant no nightmares-- actual restorative sleep albeit for only a few hours. It felt heavenly and I believe it was the only reason the scars were not nearly as visible with the outfits as I had feared. They were neither as pronounced nor painful as usual, so some clever stitching and special tape were enough to keep them covered.

Connar has shared so much of late. It is very intense and I am confounded as to how he has managed to endure for as long as he has. He continued his sweet To Do List and is affectionate and more demonstrative than in the past; however, we have tried to maintain some propriety and decorum. We no longer have the privacy of the Hall, but most evenings the patrons are thinning out or gone by the time we are together. There are some troublesome signs he has seen-- real symbols that are supposed to guide to a special meeting of a long dismantled order. I cannot shake the unease and trepidation this news has brought me. I wanted so badly to tell him to stay and not follow them, but I could not. We both know that. I shared it makes me despise this month even more because of what happened fifty years ago. He was so tender and understanding. I am even more worried because he has not shared anymore developments regarding them and their message.

Our conversations are long, winding, and often confusing. We still tease and banter playfully, so it has been a precious time with so many sweet highs with some very frightening lows. He even stole my family name! If it can help keep him safe, then I fully support it because I cannot protect him myself. We are both a bit scared at how deeply we love each other and in spite of the physical distance separating us, we grow ever closer. We have taken turns consoling each other and I have never seen him so terrified and lost in some unknown nightmare when he shared his fear that some of his enemies may try to hurt me in order to hurt him. I am still uncertain as to who they may be, but I at least attempted to try to soothe some of that fear away. I think that as much as I learn about him, there is so much yet to be learned and so much more I still do not comprehend even though I try very hard. It is the same for him: he does not truly know or understand the extent of my gifts and talents.

He really is torn between two realms. I can only cling to hope, to our dreams and to our love.

I need to be strong for him and for me.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Friday, the 29th of March (2019); Late Afternoon.

It has been a very long week. I have missed Connar more than ever. I hope I will be able to see and spend time with him tonight. If he ended up in another fight with the Blacksmith, I am not sure if he will be able to come. He was beaten up rather severely although he gamely tried to hide it. One didn't need to be an empath to notice. However in spite of all our years together, we still do anything and everything we can to protect one another...and protect the precious few hours we share from any sadness. We do not always succeed, but we try.

He thankfully heals pretty well and by the end of the night scooped me up as if I weighed less than the tankard of ale from which he had been drinking. By the next day he was still a bit sore, but either was feeling better or well enough to hide it. He was beyond sweet and attentive, fussing over my comfort. It really should have been the other way around. When he does not heal or becomes mortally injured... I simply cannot wrap my mind around it. His world is so foreign and utterly confusing. His parents yet live in a way? His god can determine whether or not he may return?

Oh, there are so many unanswered questions I fear I will never completely understand-- even though he explains so patiently.

The nightmares this week were hellish. Lyavain has been away fulfilling some task for our God and without him to buffer them at all, it appears as if the scars and welts are fresh wounds. The pain and the exhaustion are taking their toll. If I do not sleep, I do not dream. If I do not sleep, I am tired and weak. If I sleep and the nightmares come, I am exhausted and reinjured. If not for the brief respite I get in the safety of Connar's arms, I do not know what I would do. Somehow his presence blocks the insidious dreams and somehow those few hours keep me -- and probably him-- pushing forward.

Once Lyavain has returned, I will have to visit Evandar. It is shameful how long it has been since I have honoured my people. Mayhaps, I will find an answer or some clues.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 30th of March (2019); Early Afternoon.


Well, that did not go over well at all. Without Lyavain to mitigate the worst of the physical and emotional side effects of the nightmares, I was still in quite a bit of pain when I saw Connar last night. Foolish me to think I could hide the pain from him. He sensed my momentary stiffening during our first embrace and ... as it is said, "it went downhill from there".

We both felt awful. I felt guilty for keeping it from him, but I do not want to be more of a distraction or vulnerability to him than I already am. Besides, I honestly do not know the source or the reason behind the physical manifestations of these nightmares. How could I explain what I do not understand myself? Not to mention the centuries of pain and loss he has suffered. My pain is nothing in comparison to his.

He was frustrated with his inability to protect me as well as his self-percieved guilt for not noticing it sooner. He was beyond concerned at the thought he may have unintentionally hurt me more. Add in a non-healthy dose of what Connar believed was pure selfishness and mental/emotional self-flagellation, and you can get an idea of how the night went.

In truth, the old wounds usually are mildly tender or stiff -- easily ignored; however, Lyavain's absence intensified the nightmares and subsequent injuries, making it nearly impossible to hide the pain. I also never wish to use my gifts with Connar, unless it is to save his life, because I want nothing to influence the purity and honesty of our love.

I kept trying to reassure him that he had not caused me any pain in the past. These nightmares have been occurring only in the last year or so. I did not wish to emphasize he was absent for the majority of the time. I explained everything I knew as best as I was able. In addition, I reassured him he does help! For whatever reason, when I fall asleep in his presence, the nightmares and the reinjuring of the old wounds from the last bout of torture as well as the literal ripping of the baby from my wound, fail to haunt me. I sleep peacefully and feel restored even if it is only for a few short hours.

I do not think that information helped him cope as much as I had hoped. One thing is for certain: we both share the frustration in our inability to protect one another from harm.

I am blessed to see the part of him that is still loving, tender, hopeful and yes ...even mirthful. However, I am not as naive as many believe me to be. The ire, the ferocity, the lethal intensity against his foes... I witnessed all of those emotions and more when he learned of my pain. I would never wish to be the recipient of his anger or vengeance.

I can only hope he will forgive me for not sharing this sooner and I count my blessings that Le Gardien de Mon Cœur is formidable, stalwart and yes...even stubborn.

Although I will not admit the latter!
E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 13th of April (2019); Early Afternoon.

I feared I had angered Connar by not sharing the nightmares sooner; that somehow he felt I did not trust him implicitly. His absence was due to severe injuries and I do not think that knowledge gives me any more comfort.

Somehow our conversations become so convoluted and confusing that neither of us can determine the start nor the end. I was foolish, as usual, allowing self-doubts to fill my mind. When in truth, all we wish is to protect each other from pain and heartache whenever possible. Are the gods and goddesses so cruel as to deny us brief respites of happiness?

Do I share I believe I often hear a child crying or calling out for me? I know he is already worried about the physical and emotional toll these cauchemars have on me.

Am I losing my mind?
Are the walls and magical traps set up to protect me half a century ago breaking?
Are these old spells conflicting with my gifts as they have in the past?
Is this some new, cruel game created by Calonderial's father?

I need to return to Evandar not only to pay my proper (and long overdue) respect; but, perhaps there might be some answers. I will need to tell Connar about the portal to Evandar...just in case. It is keyed to permit only my aura, Lyavain's and his. There is no one left I trust and portal travel does not seem to tax him as it does me.

He has his own trials ahead of him in Patmos and the journey there. I do not wish to add to his burdens, but in a way this is a gift of trust and legacy if I should fail. The sacrifices made in Evandar and by its people do not deserve to be forgotten.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop at ~Heart Notes~
Monday, the 15th of April (2019); Dawn.


Saturday night's impromptu picnic seemed to be exactly what we needed: a shared respite from the unease and uncertainty that grows more threatening as time passes. We shared laughter, food, drink and tender touches.

There were no tears nor self-flagellation even though we strayed from the supposedly safe topics of weather and bare shoulders. How my wardrobe choices have become deemed as a "safe" topic is still confusing, but we fail terribly at discussions regarding weather. We discussed love and jealousy; how foreign and intense they both can be. Connar is endlessly patient with my questions and confusion. He always looks to my comfort whether it is physical or emotional.

I discussed Evandar and the portal briefly with him. I know he understands the burdens of duty and guilt all too well; yet, he willingly allowed me to lighten my load. I was not entirely certain I was going to share because of what awaits him at Patmos... However, I did. While there is naught he could physically do, just being able to talk about it helped tremendously. I can only hope that I help lighten his burdens as well rather than add to them.

I dread what both of us may find when we reach our separate destinations, and yet we must proceed.

Now that one of the children has met Connar, there is certain to be plenty of questions this morning as they arrive. I think Tobias found him a bit daunting, but perhaps that is because of the beard? I am not so certain how I feel about it except that it does make my cheek feel a bit itchy after nuzzling his.

I must get everything prepared and ready so the children's schedule remains as consistent and safe during my brief (I hope) absence.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop at ~Heart Notes~
Friday, the 19th of April (2019); Late Afternoon.


I am behind. I had already hoped to have returned from Evandar by now; however, I have not even left yet. Perhaps I am subconsciously delaying it due to my personal fears. I cannot shake the growing sense of foreboding that continues to plague me. I am not prescient, but the apprehension will not be ignored. I hope I can see Connar before he he faces whatever waits for him at Patmos.

I am more concerned for him than I. I will have Lyavain at my side and Mon Bien Aimé will be alone. I begged, entreated, threatened and fussed with Lyavain in hopes of getting him to agree to watch Connar's back. He stalwartly refused. He has his own duties and covenants he must fulfill.

I have nearly completed packing up Marcus' order for the resort next seasonal fragrance. Aja hired the perfect person to run it for her. How he manages it all so smoothly, I shall most likely never know. And yet he still finds time to ensure my little place there is fully stocked and prepared for a visit at anytime. He even attempts to get me to eat by having me sample the chef's latest dishes... supposedly for my professional opinion.

The children are off. Some of the older ones are taking the youngest ones to participate in the Governor's Easter and holiday activities. I left extra coin to ensure everyone can attend; but, they would have to do so without me. They have their assignments for during my absence. They know if there are any problems, they can reach out to Ebon or even Crispin. I am almost positive they will be fine as they have gone nearly the entire summer safely twice without me. However, Crispin's questioning of Tobias' fights and injuries has made me worry. Because of that, I had Tobias bring him a message to be on the alert... in case. I once again enlisted Mason's catering service to provide daily meals as well.

I need to be less lax and more aware. I have been letting my guard down and definitely should have learned my lesson after the Fashion Show. The unease is definitely a potent reminder.

I need to see Connar. I need him to know I will light the way for him-- no matter what.


Focus...
Balance...
Breathe...

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Sunday, the 29th of April (2019); Early Afternoon.


Even if I had thought to bring my journal with me to the island, I doubt I would have written in it. I still do not understand why I cannot pass to Evandar. It was a long and painful week -- both emotionally and physically.

It ended on an incredible high note.

Beltane was as exciting and exhausting as always. Mallory made a terrific Queen. Ian and Rachael renewed their vows and the lovely S'jira has returned to the realm.

And I got to see Connar whole and well. I know he saw the scars and scratches; yet, he did not fuss or draw obvious attention to them. It really was not the time nor place to discuss what had transpired to both of us while we were apart. My heart grows so full and lightens whenever I am lucky to see him. How is it possible that each time I do, I fall even more deeply in love? I miss him beyond words when he is in his realm, but when we are together... I still cannot find the words to explain the depths of my feelings for him.

He carried me all the way home, sharing bits about his time on Patmos. I believe I did drift off near the end as I hazily recall being gently placed in my bed and a kiss goodnight...or rather morning. Very often details of those early mornings are quite fuzzy, but somehow Connar releases me back into Lyavain's care. His tenderness with me is beyond compare and the closeness of that walk, its quiet intimacy, was healing and needed by both of us.

I am eager and anxious to know what transpired on Patmos, but will wait until he is ready and it is private enough for him to share.
~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 11th of May (2019); Late Afternoon.


Oh my heart...

"There is one treasure among them all that I would love for you to see..."

Then Connar guided me to the window on the Inn's porch where we could see our reflections in the glass. He showed me his treasure then, offering these sweet words:

"I would give up all the treasures I have or will ever possess to have just this one."

I was initially confused, but dissolved into tears when I realized he meant me. I told him I was not worthy of his love. I mean...I hope I am. I never want to disappoint him or hurt his heart ever again. I also tried to reassure him they were "good" tears and that he had not upset me.

The night began with light hearted banter. Juniper, Ebon, S'jira and Tass joined me on the porch. Connar came a bit later and even Eregor popped by. We met Krista who is new to RhyDin. Of course I introduced her around.

When it was just the two of us remaining, we had a chance to talk a bit. It was late, so we did not delve deeply into any particular subject. He was whole, well and in good spirits albeit extra-cautious. It was evident he was relieved to see me nearly completely healed. He apologized for not being present to protect me and/or help me to heal. However, I explained he did help with my healing. He understands this all too well himself. I did tell him I did not think even he could protect me from myself, but he said he would like to try. At the very least I know my heart is safe with him.

There is a rhythm...a closeness we share in spite the distance and times spent apart. We are both greedy and seeing each other only a fortnight or so is definitely not nearly as often as we would like. I will not complain. I treasure the few hours we share and I know he does as well. I have no idea what our future holds-- only that I will not give up on our hopes nor our dreams without a fight.

And even then...

I had better get the teas together that I promised Juniper for her "morning sickness". I can daydream about Connar once again after finishing up.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Ruins of Asheby Manor
Friday the 24th of May (2019); Late Afternoon


I am here at the ruins for the first time in years. I am searching for answers when I am not entirely certain of the questions anymore. It feels somewhat odd not to be preparing for a summer escape this year. It is a pleasant oddness as I do not feel so alone anymore. There is no reason to run and hide; yet, every reason to remain:

Connar.

We will always try to protect each other from any sort of pain whenever possible. However, now it seems that even though there may be walls, we are behind them...together. We cherish our limited time together; we protect it fiercely. The smallest gestures like him making me tea or bathing in a cold stream before meeting me are some of the most gigantic signs of his love for me. We are both different when we are together, allowing one another to see finally parts of our true selves rather than what has been crafted in self-preservation. I hope and pray he knows how much I love him because all of the words seem to slip away whenever he is near.

We have been able to share some of our deepest fears, our brightest dreams... It has definitely made us both stronger and more vulnerable at the same time. I wish our time together was not so sporadic. Every time we part, our reunion is never guaranteed.

I have no idea what our gods have planned for us. Each moment shared with him is precious to me whether there is laughter, tears, kisses or teasing. I hold them close in my heart and draw on them during the darkest hours.

~E

[Elessaria]

Arcasa Resort
My Bungalow
Monday, the 27th of May (2019); Late Morning.


I needed a little space to try to ease the rawness of my emotions. Two afternoons spent amongst the ruins with still no answers has left me hurting more than I expected. It certainly did not help that both nights there were discussions about binding a demon.

Mallory did a reading for Yeardley about some celestial flower and as visions and prophecies tend to be, it is all very vague. I think I deterred her and Astrid, who is fairly new to RhyDin, from some of the more wild and dangerous parts of their plan. They had some sort of scheme to make money by binding the demon and having people pay to fight it. Then they were going to give it a potion to make it forget. I know...my head hurts all over again just thinking about it.

I offered to pay for their "adventure" only if they devised a better and less dangerous plan. It was the first idea that came to mind that would help lessen the dangers without revealing my gifts. It was difficult to keep my own emotions squelched after being at the site where I fought and killed Calonderial, only to lose the baby to his father. My decisions and thinking was definitely coloured by how fresh and raw I felt. I hoped by adding that my other condition to fronting their operation --first dibs on any scent possibilities with the flower-- made it appear to be more a business opportunity and less of an emotional decision. This whole thing can go wrong in countless ways. I hope I can call on some friends to help sway the odds in our favor.

I am unsure if getting involved is a positive or negative distraction from my own current concerns. I do know, however, I miss Connar more than ever. I need the reassurance of his warm gaze and tender touch.

Tomorrow morning I shall return to Heart Notes early in order to meet Yeardley. I have hired her to help design and show the children how to make a fishpond in the courtyard gardens. They need a place for the goldfish they collected from the various fountains in RhyDin. They also need a task during the slower business months of summer.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop at ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 8th of June (2019); Early Afternoon.

It is relatively quiet today, so I have closed up earlier than usual. I keep getting a persistent, yet vague, sense that I need to continue to go to the ruins of Asheby Manor. Thus far I have found no answers-- only heartache and painful memories.

Spending time at the Inn has kept me from entirely isolating myself. It is always good to see both familiar and new faces. Often there is an abundance of laughter which will temporarily lighten mood. I make sure my shielding is tightly woven, because while I am truly happy to hear and witness celebratory events of others, there is often some bittersweetness when I hear the news.

Each night before I retire, I sit and gaze up at the stars, recalling the stories Connar has shared. We might be worlds apart, but this little ritual helps me feel closer for he might be doing the same where he is. Of course I am concerned about his welfare; it has been too long since I have seen him.

It always seems too long.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 15th of June (2019); Late Evening.



Another afternoon combing the wreckage and ruins of Asheby; another day without any answers.

I am tired.
I am raw.
I am confused.

I do not feel any better nor wiser for my efforts here.

I did, however, get to spend some time with Connar last night. The time passed more quickly than usual or at least it seemed that way. He was uninjured and seemingly in good spirits. He did not share much about what had happened on Patmos, but it was not because he was being secretive or trying to protect me. Instead, he seemed to be trying to solve (resolve?) what he had experienced. I am glad we can share such things with one another.

With all of the recent discussions of proposals, betrothals and weddings, I could not help but ask him who would even officiate a ceremony for us. In his typical fashion, he answered with another question. Quel morveux! I do oft wonder. It is not as if I expect it to occur anytime soon; it is simply a curiosity based on the vast differences of our worlds.

It will be too long before I get to see his handsome face, feel the warmth of his embrace and taste his tender kisses -- even if he were in the next room right now.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 13th of July (2019); Nearly 2 in the morning.


I must have been even more tired than I thought. I know I have been sleeping poorly and my schedule more erratic than usual. There is rumor of a possible serial killer prowling about RhyDin and I have had to take precautions with the children's safety. They are enjoying creating the fishpond in spite of it all.

Now I find myself looking out into the clear night sky where the moons and the stars shine brightly against the black backdrop. As always, I find my thoughts turning to Connar and I am saddened by a lost opportunity to see him. My thoughts are always with him as is my heart.

In his realm women are treated and viewed poorly - chattel are often valued more. His life has been filled with violence and solitude; I had often wondered in the past where he learned such gentleness and tenderness. Of course I had to ask. He replied, "How does a new mother learn to cradle her child? How does a gardener learn the touch to care for its flowers? When the heart leads the hands, the caring and gentleness comes afore all." Every time I believe I cannot love him more, I am proved wrong and happily so! When I think I cannot miss him anymore than I already do, I am proved wrong again and definitely not happily so.

I need to be mindful that what is viewed as simply affection amongst friends here, may very well perceived differently by Connar and others who come from different backgrounds. I need touch. I have always needed touch to soothe me, ground me, restore me...to survive. The constant vigilance of my empathic gifts demands it - whether it's a hug, a companionable shoulder to lean on, a cheek bise, etc. I do not wish for him to have more worries or concerns than those which already burden him. I am no longer the young, naive elfess who sat in all her friends' laps when she first arrived in RhyDin.

His simple kisses to my wrist and palm are not simple at all. They melt my heart! (Most of his tender kisses and touches completely melt my brain!) There is an incredibly deep amount of intimacy with them that does not exist with any other (ever). I feel it in every kiss, every touch, every smile, every gaze and every secret shared...

When we are together, the rest of the world fades away.
~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop at ~Heart Notes~
Monday, the 2nd of September (2019); Late Afternoon.



Summer is starting to fade and it is time to increase the hours the parfumerie is open as well as have the children return to a more normal work schedule. They did a fantastic job with Yeardley on the fishpond. I'm not entirely certain who is happier that the project is finished - the peafowl or me.

Every moment I have gotten to share with Connar this summer has been treasured. He even surprised me by sneaking off to the bungalow to expand my closet there. I cried when I saw what he had done, but only because his labor of love touched me so deeply. His life is far from easy and he worked hard. I know I keep repeating how he always sees to my comfort -both physically and emotionally. My gestures and attempts to see to his well-being seem to pale in comparison. However, I know he does appreciate them.

We both enjoyed a nighttime picnic at Seaside's beach. It brought such joy to my heart to witness him light-hearted and frolicking in the water even though it was at Lyavain's expense. I am not certain why I had not thought of it sooner except that the temptation to have him stay at the bungalow is so intense; a "safer" alternative was necessary. I often feel guilty enough for distracting him from the path his god had set for him and as he grows more frustrated and weary of the travails in his realm, neither of us would require much encouragement to escape the cares and duties required of us.

I do not think I can point out the exact moment I fell in love with Connar. I know early on we tried not to succumb to our feelings. "Ce n'était ni le temps, ni le lieu." Yet over the years (centuries for him, which boggles my mind), we kept coming back to one another. Now I do not want to know what my life would be like without him...ever.

We have shared more about our lives and a level of trust that we have not given any other. There is still so much to learn, to share; yet, we both are guilty of omitting some of the details. We do not do so to be dishonest, but rather out of the desire to protect each other and to prevent worrying.

One day I hope we will be able to share all.

~E