Women vs. Men

[PJ Ramirez]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thingI could do to him."

[Spiffy McBang]

When the ship runs out of ocean
And the vessel runs aground
Land's where we know the boat is found
Now there's nothing unexpected
About the water giving out
"Land's" not a word we have to shout.

But there's something beside the shoreline
Moving across the beachhead
Coming up from the shipwreck
Making as if to say:

Women & Men
Women & Men
Women & Men
Women & Men

(Women & Men) Bringing with them messages of love
And every where they go love will grow (love will grow)
(Women & Men) When you see the faces of the women
And the men, you too will know (you will know)

Women & Men have crossed the ocean
They now begin to pour
Out from the boat and up the shore
Two by two they enter the jungle
And soon they number more
Three by three as well as four by four
Soon the stream of people gets wider
Then it becomes a river
River becomes an ocean
Carrying ships that bear

Women & Men
Women & Men
Women & Men
Women & Men

[PslyderFTA]

You would bring out "They Might Be Giants". . .

[NickOvTyme]

What's really sad is the I can picture the guy tearing his house apart trying to find the remote...

Ahh...the good o' days of walking to the TV and changing channels.

[PJ Ramirez]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[ShadowedRaven]

Three blondes are walking down the beach when they trip over a bottle. One of the blondes picks it up, polishes the sand off of it and a genie appears.
Because there were three of them, the genie told them they could each have one wish.
The first blonde stepped forward and said " Y'know I'm really sick of all these blonde jokes that go around. They are sooo degrading to all of us. I wish to be 25% percent smarter" POOF, the first blonde turned into a brunette.
The second blonde stepped forward" I agree with her! I hate those jokes! I wish to be 50% smarter!" POOF!, the second blonde was now a redhead.
The third blonde stepped up" I do not agree with those two at all! I love those jokes and the attention that it gets me!! I wish to be 100% stupider!!"
POOF!!

The third blonde turned into a man!

[Koyliak]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

Um have you seen some of the people who make it into Playgirl? ::shudders:: Not pretty...the "models" are not held anywhere close to Playboy standards.

Give me someone off of Men's Fitness magazine or a Bikini Boys.com calendar...mmm surfer boys.

Or actually, if it were my own personal perfect breakfast, my boyfriend(s) would be in a group shot on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, including (but not limited to):
Brad Pitt (in Tyler Durdan glory), Colin Farrell, Norman Reedus (as Murphy McManus), Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, Josh Hartnett, Heath Ledger, Matthew Lillard, and Brendon Sexton III. And they would all be busy making me pancakes, cleaning the kitchen, feeding me peanut butter ices, and then some.


Sorry...I'm getting carried away here...

[Shakira]

ugh... I don't like pretty men (I hate competition). Give me a down to earth guy with a good sense of humor.

[PJ Ramirez]

Geez, try to start a good Battle of the Sexes... ::sniffles::

A woman needs only four animals in her life:
a mink in her closet,
a jaguar in her garage,
a tiger in her bed...

and a jackass to pay for it all

[G]

Why did the man cross the road?
He was sick of waiting for the bloody woman.
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
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What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 45 pounds.
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A man will dig under his car seat to find loose change.
A woman will put a 10% off sale item on a credit card charging 20% interest.
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In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for
directions.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your
wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a
day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.
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And I can get lots more. I got all my old joke lists saved. ;D

[G]

And just another thing...

RULES FOR WOMEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sports, Cars, or Meat.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Topaz]

"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken."
--Unknown, presumed deceased
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
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"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
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"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart