Anni,
Even after all these years, After being told I was dead, I can only imagine that you're still pissed at me. It's only fair. I was an absolute bitch and blamed it on my mental health. Like an excuse that made everything right. It didn't.
You'll never know, but the last thing I wanted to do was limit you, your career to something nearby mine. So I purposefully destroyed the most absolute beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. Oh the dreams we had.
The biggest thing I'll never get to say: I am so fucking sorry. You deserve to hate me for the rest of eternity, and I hope the universe has done nothing but be kind to you. I miss you.
Sibs
April 2018
"Gawd, Anni, you're such a bitch." Sibyl's voice nearly shouted the words, and her stomping feet made the wood floors beneath her feet creak. She watched the scowl come across her girlfriend's face as she whirled around, and stuck a finger in Sibyl's chest.
"Don't you start this, Sibs. Absolutely not. I'm tired of your bullshit, y'know? You're the one that's been acting like a damned psychopath. Lying. Manipulating me. Not telling me things like you used to! Like what's happened to that communication and trust we've had for the past two years?" Two beats, before she leaned back and studied her. "Are you off your meds?"
There's a flash of hurt that found Sibyl's face. Psychopath wasn't a word that she had been quite fond of. Especially to be followed up with questioning her meds consumption. People whispered it for years after her first public meltdown at school. Anni knew she hated that word. She aimed to hurt. Even still, Sibyl had no real counter for what she had spat at her. It was all true. She was trying to drive her away. She couldn't hold her down. Anni was so amazing and talented, the last thing Sibyl could bear to do is drag her around from different places as she studied various subjects and did the science thing.
"Yeah? Well Maybe I'm just tired of your bullshit too, Anni. All you ever do is gripe at me and nag." Sibyl paused, then very deliberately locked eyes with the other woman. Pale hazel eyes, strawberry blonde hair, wavy, tousled and just past the shoulders. A smatter of freckles dotted Anni's face. Sibyl didn't want to watch as she broke her girlfriends heart, and most likely ultimately said something that ended her relationship.
But she didn't tear her eyes from her, even as she started to speak. "You sound just like your fucking mother." It was a low blow, and Sibyl knew it. The pain that followed in Anni was nearly physical. She faltered, her face fell, and it almost seemed like most of the fire and fight left her.
"You know what, Sibs. I'm sorry for caring too much. I'm sorry for loving you soooooo damned much that I fucking worry about you day in and day out. " She paused and reached out to grab her purse from the hanger by the door. "I'm done. Figure your own shit the fuck out, crazy fucking brain and all. Screw you and whatever high horse you've found lately, Sibyl." The snarl of her now ex-girlfriend's words were punctuated by the sound of the door to their apartment being slammed shut as she stormed off.
What Anni missed was the flinch that Sibyl gave when the door slammed shut behind her, and the meltdown that followed in the aftermath of Sibyl destroying the best thing that's ever happened to her. Nothing would change the fact that she loved her deeply, and her own mind, drove Anni away for her own good.
Notes To Those Who Mean The Most
Re: Notes To Those Who Mean The Most
((Quick Trigger Warning: Family violence mentions, murder/suicide mentions Gun violence.))
Silo,
My darling lil Squish. I miss you so much. I still have nightmares of your death. I hate Dad so goddamned much. He took my other half. My twin, the yin to my yang. Your death still haunts me. The way you begged. The gunshots. Dad's screaming. Another singular gunshot. So so much blood.
These moments will never be erased from my mind. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you that time. I'm sorry mom was never strong enough to leave his stupid ass and save us all.
I love and miss you more than words can ever describe.
Big Squish
September 28th 2008
Her mother's wails pierced the night. She had just gone to the store... only to come home to find her entire life and family shattered. She'd collapsed on the lawn as the police intercepted her arrival, and very gently informed her of what happened. And she wailed with grief.
Sibyl herself sat on the front porch, shell shocked, and wrapped in a blanket she had gotten from somewhere in the house. Police and medical vehicles lit up the night with their flashing red, blues and whites of lights. Nosy neighbors peeked from their windows, like others lingered like vultures just past the police line put up.
Sibyl had talked with police several times already, words airy, brain still trying to process what exactly happened. She remembered hearing her sister, Silo screaming. Their dad yelling, drunk and fueled on coke. Then more screaming. Pleading. She remembered scrambling to come to her sister's aid, because sometimes dad had his nights that he was better off to just left alone, and tonight was one of those nights... Coming around the corner to find her father with the pistol he normally kept in the nightstand pointed at her sister. There was something unhinged on his face that Sibyl hadn't seen before. And then he pulled the trigger. Three times.
Sibyl watched as her father murdered her sister for no reason at all, other than an argument over a chore she hadn't done. Then she watched as it sank in that he'd killed his child. Sibyl screamed, and he put the pistol to his mouth and ate a bullet right in front of her.
She remembered the near physical pain she felt as she stumbled to her twin's side and begged her to hold on, while she struggled and tried to breathe. Her frantic search for the phone, the calls that fell in from the neighbors to the police because they heard the gunshots. She remembered clinging desperately to her sister, trying to apply pressure to her wounds, stifle the bleeding. The feeling of her sister's chest shuddering, struggling, before she drew her last breath and fell still.
The paramedics had to pry her from her sister's body so they could attempt to resuscitate her. To no avail.
She cringed when they announced her time of death. And then she just... shut down. Automated responses for the cops, emotionless, shell shocked, almost catatonic, she sat on the porch, staring at the ground, rocking back and forth. The rest of the night was a blur. Her aunt came and collected both her and her mother. Her aunt gingerly bathed and cleaned her. Tucked her into the guest room for sleep.
Then, and only then, did Sibyl finally fall apart and let the reality of what happened sink in. She cried until there was nothing left for her to cry, and her throat was dry and scratchy, hoarse.
It was only a few weeks later that she had her first ever meltdown at school, completely and utterly hopelessly lost without her twin.
Silo,
My darling lil Squish. I miss you so much. I still have nightmares of your death. I hate Dad so goddamned much. He took my other half. My twin, the yin to my yang. Your death still haunts me. The way you begged. The gunshots. Dad's screaming. Another singular gunshot. So so much blood.
These moments will never be erased from my mind. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you that time. I'm sorry mom was never strong enough to leave his stupid ass and save us all.
I love and miss you more than words can ever describe.
Big Squish
September 28th 2008
Her mother's wails pierced the night. She had just gone to the store... only to come home to find her entire life and family shattered. She'd collapsed on the lawn as the police intercepted her arrival, and very gently informed her of what happened. And she wailed with grief.
Sibyl herself sat on the front porch, shell shocked, and wrapped in a blanket she had gotten from somewhere in the house. Police and medical vehicles lit up the night with their flashing red, blues and whites of lights. Nosy neighbors peeked from their windows, like others lingered like vultures just past the police line put up.
Sibyl had talked with police several times already, words airy, brain still trying to process what exactly happened. She remembered hearing her sister, Silo screaming. Their dad yelling, drunk and fueled on coke. Then more screaming. Pleading. She remembered scrambling to come to her sister's aid, because sometimes dad had his nights that he was better off to just left alone, and tonight was one of those nights... Coming around the corner to find her father with the pistol he normally kept in the nightstand pointed at her sister. There was something unhinged on his face that Sibyl hadn't seen before. And then he pulled the trigger. Three times.
Sibyl watched as her father murdered her sister for no reason at all, other than an argument over a chore she hadn't done. Then she watched as it sank in that he'd killed his child. Sibyl screamed, and he put the pistol to his mouth and ate a bullet right in front of her.
She remembered the near physical pain she felt as she stumbled to her twin's side and begged her to hold on, while she struggled and tried to breathe. Her frantic search for the phone, the calls that fell in from the neighbors to the police because they heard the gunshots. She remembered clinging desperately to her sister, trying to apply pressure to her wounds, stifle the bleeding. The feeling of her sister's chest shuddering, struggling, before she drew her last breath and fell still.
The paramedics had to pry her from her sister's body so they could attempt to resuscitate her. To no avail.
She cringed when they announced her time of death. And then she just... shut down. Automated responses for the cops, emotionless, shell shocked, almost catatonic, she sat on the porch, staring at the ground, rocking back and forth. The rest of the night was a blur. Her aunt came and collected both her and her mother. Her aunt gingerly bathed and cleaned her. Tucked her into the guest room for sleep.
Then, and only then, did Sibyl finally fall apart and let the reality of what happened sink in. She cried until there was nothing left for her to cry, and her throat was dry and scratchy, hoarse.
It was only a few weeks later that she had her first ever meltdown at school, completely and utterly hopelessly lost without her twin.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests