Krewe Ultra Mega Gigantic Firestorm Hellbeast Baberinos.

[Desdenova VonTombs]

It wasn’t often that Desdenova absent-mindedly stepped foot into a snare trap, but sadly, it happened. As he walked confidently along one of the alleyways, heading to the Anchor, with Suki the river dragon on his heels… he found himself flat on his face, blinking several times. Suki danced in place, confused, but then managed a mighty RAWR which turned into a startled squeak when dozens of small lassos wrapped her up. She thumped beside Desdenova, wide eyed.

“SMALL HUMAN!”

Desdenova looked up to find himself staring into the upper lip and nostrils of a green person of some sort.

“Uhm… Sort of, yes, can we help you at all?” Desdenova inquired politely. Polite was the best way to react in such situations, particularly when his usual guardians were clearly not giving a crap that he’d been trapped.

“We are the Ultra Mega Gigantic Firestorm Hellbeast Baberino Goblorks of Dock End Stars! We wanna have the Best, giantest Krewe for Festival!” the creature announced, and was echoed by its krewe, Desdenova supposed.

“Understandable, but why are you trapping me for that?” Desdenova asked reasonably.

“Nimsy has seen you make Big Magic for being So Small.”

Desdenova sighed faintly. Suki gave him an encouraging rill, which really didn’t help, as Suki was also rather small.

“Well. I mean, I don’t understand the entire point of the festival so…”

“Oh. Yes.” the creature snapped its fingers and within moments, they had carried off boy and dragon to an old storm cellar. It was gloriously decorated in mainly reds and yellows, leftover bits from other celebrations.

Desdenova was seated onto an old taiko drum, a tiger-faced hat on his head. Suki was plopped beside him, a red bow around her neck and a ‘Go-Go-SPIKE’ banner around her wings.

“I, am TeeTee Boom Boom McScreamyface,” the being announced, standing before the confused pair, a tribal queen in a red ‘dj hornzz’ t-shirt, “I lead the Ultra Mega Gigantic Firestorm Hellbeast Baberinos of Fourth Street. We are Goblorks! Powerful, Huge Warriors of the goblinoid peoples!”

Desdenova smiled politely. TeeTee stood a walloping two and half foot tall. None of the Baberinos was much taller than that. Clearly, there was some big dog in the tiny mutt syndrome in play.

TeeTee gave a long and involved history of the holy holidays of Mardi Grotz, which Desdenova was pretty sure had absolutely nothing to do with the fanciful tale TeeTee told, but, he was wise enough to just smile and nod.

“And Now, the ...Bigger orks and goblins…” TeeTee was much pained to admit, “Have taken over the festival and we are no longer so awesomely large. You must make us an awesomely large celebration.”

“...Right, of course,” Desdenova exhaled. He considered the problem, then blew out a quantity of air. “So… Gigantic Firestorm Hellbeast…? Where’d that come from?”

All of the little tribe looked sad.

“In olden times, there was a magical plant which only we could eat, and then, we would spew flames! And were magnificent!” TeeTee explained, “But then, the Taco Stand that we lived under closed, and we moved here, under the Curves shop where the fat people come. They drop more useful things, but alas, there are no more of the magical plants.”

“...Taco stand… okay, I think I gotcha,” Desdenova nodded. He shifted around to pull his backpack from his shoulder and reached into it. After a few moments, he withdrew his hand.

Laying on his palm was a yellow banana pepper, a red jalapeno, and an orange habanero. As the goblorks set eyes upon them, they all gave a reverent croon. TeeTee stepped forward, confidently taking the habanero and tossing it into her well toothed mouth.

After a few crunches, TeeTee serenely closed her eyes and dropped her jaw open, spewing a three foot flame outwards. The tribe roared approval. Desdenova’s eyebrows shot up as he watched.

It was a good thing that his mom liked to preserve his produce for the year.

“And, outside of letting Suki and I go, what’s in it for us to help you?” Desdenova inquired as he pulled his phone out.

“The love and loyalty of firebreathing giant goblorks!” TeeTee cheered. Desdenova considered that. Though they were not giant by any stretch of the word, they were, in fact, firebreathing goblin ork things.

“And we can tend the fields of the fire-drops!” another of the goblorks insisted, “We know how to make farmings!”

“Okay,” Desdenova agreed, reaching over to shake TeeTee’s hand, “Let me see if I can get a few friends to help out.”

“You will have to pay friends, we only pay you,” TeeTee put in. Desdenova snickered. They were smart, if a little daft. He wondered where they really came from.

[Desdenova VonTombs]

Desdenova found a nearby warehouse, long abandoned, disused even by bums. He looked it up on his gps and a little hacking later, ‘Micks Warehouse’ became ‘Goblork’s Homeland’. He cheerfully wrote the property onto the back of a nearby park, then gave it an income off of the paid taxes of the local lunch trucks. Since the lunch trucks rarely paid taxes, it wouldn’t be noticeable either way.

There was plenty to work with in the old warehouse, including a flatbed trailer, a 1965 Plymouth Valiant Wayfarer Ute, a 1970 Volkswagon Beetle, and a few tons of colored tissue paper. There was also several bales of bamboo poles, a container full of cheap acrylic yarn, and another container filled with Maybelline products, circa 1981.

Desdenova looked over the space while TeeTee organized her clan to start clearing up or… just moving things, he wasn’t quite sure. They were happy, and that’s what mattered. So, he made a few texts.

Amaris-Maggie: small clan of orky things want to make a big splash for Mardi Grotz. Found some stuff that should be a cool giant pinata. Wanna help plan/build for a big Mardi Grozt thing? Or chili contest? Later put in a hydroponic garden for them.

He looked down to Suki and gave the little dragon a pat. She chirped but wasn’t so sure about all this…

[Desdenova VonTombs]

The three of them met at the Red Dragon Inn to do some planning and figuring. Desdenova had a wedding to play later and brought his dulcimer, Amaris was off school, and Maggie was being social.

Maggie had never met S’jira, and took a few moments to meet her. Desdenova had known the woman for years, he cheerfully introduced Maggie and Amaris to her, insisting, as he did now and then, that S’jira was a princess. S’jira was much too polite to scold him for being silly.

So, plans were laid while they had chili dogs… Amaris suggested trying different hot spices on the goblorks. Maggie suggested handing out samples of chili or curry. Desdenova had already found a nearby market square to work for a parade and festival ground.

Somewhere along the line, while Amaris and Desdenova were teasing Maggie about the size of her family, one of her uncles showed. They laughingly greeted Heph, and then Maggie asked the man for a device that would fire off fireworks for a small parade. He agreed, bemused, as he listened to the kids.

Then they were off, they had work to get done!

[Desdenova VonTombs]

Fliers started to appear:

Krewe Ultra Mega Gigantic Firestorm Hellbeast Baberinos, Amazons of the Southside! Will be hosting an EPIC CHILI AND CURRY FIRESTORM OF GLORY AND PAIN.

February, Wednesday 19, set up opens at 8am, earlier if needed, in the Four Points Center, Southside. Public admitted at 4pm.

Chili and Curry Cook Off! Bring your gear early, and cook up your most face searing chili or curry evar!

To enter: Request a 10x10 or 10x20 booth and bring enough to make at least five gallons of chili or curry. That’s it! Homemade, restaurants, food trucks, all invited to compete!

Hand out samples to the crowds and meantime, bring a quart or two to the judges. Any chili or curry which causes our specially selected judges to spontaneously combust will enter the finals!

The prizes will be: First prize: One quart Carolina Reaper Chilis, grown in Mojave, Ca. One Quart Ghost Peppers, grown in Mojave, Ca, and one quart Hallucination Oranges, grown in RhyDin Southside.

Second prize will be the Reapers and Ghosts, third prize, the Reapers.

Additional prizes to be announced! Winners will be crowned by seven pm!


(PM for more information! Just post here or let us know if your char or whatever would like to enter the fray!)

[Desdenova VonTombs]

New Prizes Announced for the EPIC CHILI AND CURRY FIRESTORM OF GLORY AND PAIN: 100 lbs of Ass. Meat from Matadora Carnecia, courtesy of Greasy’s Mega Wash, Always Clean Coin-Op Laundromat for the winner, second: 75 lbs, and third: 50 lbs places.

Vouchers for twenty, fifteen, and ten large wash and dry loads from Greasy’s Mega Wash, Always Clean Coin-Op Laundromat.

Five assorted heirloom Pepper plants, hot and sweet for the winner, three plants for second, and two for third place.

A pound of Mother Hazel’s Special Brownies and a pound of Mother Hazel’s Not Special Brownies for the winners, ½ pound for second, and ¼ pound for third.



Krewe Ultra Mega Gigantic Firestorm Hellbeast Baberinos is ON THE MOVE! They will be parading around the Four Points Center from 8pm and then head towards the river and probably peter out randomly whenever they run out of GIANT PINATA FLOATS to destroy!

In what was probably one of the dumbest miscalculations of the season, fire breathing mini Orc-goblin hybrids femmes were loaded up with chilis and beer, and sent careening wildly through a (blessedly) short parade route to the loud strains of ‘80s Speed Hair Metal Bands like Nitro and Slayer.

So while the fire breathing displays by the two foot tall mini goblin gals were spectacular, the huge pinata floats with them were totally flammable and well, it’s a good thing they were heading for the river, right?

Right?

(Post here for chili or curry recipes, any reactions, fire responders, and anyone handy with putting out small flaming she-ork/gobbies.)

[Desdenova VonTombs]

Gloriously, a giant pinata llama burst into flames as it was dragged down the street. The ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ of the crowd turned quickly towards ‘is that supposed to happen?’ and ‘Cheese and Crackers! Call the Fireys!’

Maggie and Amaris side eyed Desdenova as they stood on a low building roof, watching as the floats one by one burst into flame.

“Chaotic evil, come on! Look it up! Of course I’m all for giant flaming pinatas!” Desdenova finally blurted out, red faced. Amaris rolled her eyes and poked the boy in the side.

“I’ll start getting people out of danger.”

Maggie upsided Desdenova then returned to her phone.

“My sister will be here quick fast to start hosing down the floats, you’d better start backing the firemen up, dork,” she scolded.