Pretty Angry; Ugly Cry

[Penny Escobar]

Wednesday Night, Dec. 19th

I wish I drank tequila
I wish I stayed up late
But lately when the Sandman comes
You know I just can wait
No, lately I can wait

Winter’s grasp was closing in, officially less than a week away and its chill was seeping through the stone walls of the tower I called home. There was a subtle sway of the building as a harsh arctic like wind blew all around outside, and I could see a mix of ice and snow flying sideways instead of straight down through the small window of my bedroom. A mix of both tangled and buried underneath blankets, it was a struggle to break free from it all as sleep failed to find me tonight. It happened more often than not lately, and the whispering of MoonBeryl wasn’t helping either. Did it ever stop? Grabbing a thicker blanket and wrapping up in it, I moved up the stairs for the third floor of the tower, where the workshop (and a firepit) was.

After I got the fire lit, and the several dozen candles throughout the room, I was shuffling over to one of the makeshift tables lining the wall to search for a book, so some sort of distraction to make the night pass faster. Instead, my eyes caught sight of the mere pounamu laying on the tabletop, having fallen from its hook on the wall.

“It was the wind,” Joey’s voice came from my right side. Looking over, I could see him standing there by the (affectionately labeled) ‘balcony’. The wall was half crumbled and gave way to the mix of ice and rain just outside, but he looked unaffected by the weather. There was a lopsided attempt of a smile given my way, half hidden by both shadows and the leftovers of a beard. “Can’t sleep?”

And we packed up all your boxes
It's all been hauled away
I never stare at walls so bare
'Cause something always stays
Yeah something of you stays

I didn’t answer him right away, instead breaking off eye contact and looking back to the mere on the table. Reluctantly I reached out from under the blanket to pick it up by the thin leather strap I attached to it and hanging it back on the wall. As soon as my fingers brushed over the cold stone, flashes of different memories played in my head. Different times when Joey held the weapon, used it to crush or break some creature’s bone, and when I’d found it in his home among his things. I had packed up his place after his funeral. The fake one that was held to appease work. But I would have felt too guilty if I had burned his body.

Is that why he was here?

Guilt because I burned someone else’s body?

“I have trouble sleeping this time of year, you know that.” I hadn’t… completely meant to snap. Or glare at Joey still leaning against the half wall. He knew why.

“I know darlin’.” He looked apologetic as he started towards me, reaching a hand out to me. “It’ll be o—”

I could almost feel the swallowing hug he was about to draw me into.

And that was when I snapped.

And I guess I'm still pretty angry
And I don't want to be
I don't know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing, instead, it was me

“No. Just stop. Fucking stop all right?!” My voice cracked as I started shouting and he froze in place, while I just kept on going. “Its just not fucking fair and I don’t want to listen to this bullshit anymore. You’re supposed to be here. To really be here and not as a vision or a ghost or hallucination or whatever you are. I need you physically here to make this stop.”

Tears had already begun spilling hotly down my cheeks and at some point in my rant I’d grabbed a book and threw it at him. Instead of striking him, it hovered in the air. MoonBeryl was saying something, but I wasn’t listening.

“You’re the big damn hero here Joey. Not me. It was never me. I’m the idiot who gets eaten. Who gets caught in traps and makes the damn deals or ends up owing the wrong people favors. I need you here and I wish that all of this is just a bad joke and you’re going to come out of your hiding place at any moment. I’m not cut out for this. I can’t… I can’t take it anymore.”

Like I could give you what you need
So ollie ollie oxen free
The game is up and I give in
So show yourself so that you can win
Come claim your prize and I don't care
I still can see you standing there
How could you leave, how could you lie?
You cut me off in mid-reply

Objects around the room were hovering in the air by now, but I only half noticed them, and MoonBeryl was shouting now, and I didn’t know if I could scream any louder than his voice, or the noise of the night’s storm that looked to be growing worse.

“You’re the one who jumped into the water to stop that thing. You’re the hero. You had it all under control and I shouldn’t have been the asshole to jump in and think I could take on that thing alone. To get fucked up and paralyzed and then shut down when you’d knock on my door to get you to let you in. But I had to let my fucking pride block the way and if I hadn’t been such a dick to you then maybe you’d still be here. Something else could have happened and we would have seen each other that night and….” My voice was hoarse now, but whether it was from the crying or the screaming, I couldn’t tell.

“And maybe you wouldn’t be fucking gone.” It came out broken and low.

The will to win, the urge to race
I still can see it on your face
Thought I'd keep up but only crashed
I wasn't built to move that fast
Thought I could match you stride for stride
But I was on the other side
And holding onto the safety rail
With knuckles white, complexion pale
A cloud of dust and you were gone
Thought I would catch you later on
I limped behind, your race was won
But were you racing or on the run?
How you enjoyed, you loved to drive
And I'm destroyed... 'cause I'm alive

“Peninnah…” Joey started out of his frozen state, but after all the shouting I was suddenly on the floor by the firepit. Wrapping the blanket about myself tighter as exhaustion started squeezing me in its grasp.

“Maybe it should have been me instead who’s gone.” I whispered as I heard a dozen thuds from things around the room falling back down.

Eventually the winter storm passed, but by then a dark and dreamless sleep had taken hold of me.

And MoonBeryl was finally silent.

And I guess I'm still pretty angry
And I don't want to be
I don't know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you... or…

((Lyrics are Pretty Angry by Blues Traveler))