Family Ties

Notices and stories concerning events in the legendary basement of the Duel of Swords.

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Proven Adventurer
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Post by Tara » Fri Dec 22, 2017 8:54 pm


Tara here.

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Santa isn't real.

Spoiler alert.

Are you supposed to write that before you spoil something or after? I can never tell what the proper protocol is with you walking meat sticks.

You have SO many annoying rules. Who can keep track of this madness? I certainly can't!

Tara don't staple Jimmy's tongue to his upper lip. It's not polite and it hurts him badly. Just because you lack the ability to feel pain doesn't mean Jimmy can't feel pain. He can. This is why he is screaming through his nostrils.

Tara don't push geriatrics' wheelchairs with them still in them into oncoming traffic. It makes a big mess.

Tara, you can't park your apocalyptic dragon in the firezone at the local school, it is against the law.

Tara, we do not set people on fire with our hands, so why do you?

I can't help that my hands spew fire. It just happens!

Do I complain whenever one of you dies in front of me and I'm forced to give another "statement' to some idiot in a uniform who thinks he has authority over me? No.

And, so, yeah, Santa is about as real as I am alive. Sorry to break it to you kid. Don't worry about making his imaginary "nice list" either. It doesn't exist.

You're on mine though and boy do I have a present for you!

I'm still on my way home.

When I get there, I'm going to probably play drums on your head again and tell you all about the wild adventures I had which you are the primary cause of.

Then I'm going to go get busy with my man because I miss the hell out of him.

Last year he dressed up as Santa and chased me around the mansion while I was wearing this skimpy little elfess costume.

We ended up doing it under the tree. For like two whole hours. I had pine needles stuck in my hair for DAYS afterwards. It was ridic!

I even got him to say Ho, Ho, Ho like the real Santa would if he were, actually, real, but like I just told you he isn't.

And, I'm only explaining that because I realize my telling you or anyone else that Anubis used the words "Ho,Ho,Ho" with me requires context given what I am and I don't wish to confuse you.

We were "roleplaying" again.

We do that a lot.

When you're ancient AF like we are, you have to find meaningful ways to make sense out of this neverending existence and spice it up a bit.

I think this year he's going to be The Grinch.

I don't know what I want to be.

I hope you're still alive by the time I get back otherwise I'm resurrecting your stupid ass so I can toy with you some.

Ain't dying on my watch, kid.

Okay, dummy.

See you soon.
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Gren Blockman
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Post by Gren Blockman » Sun Dec 24, 2017 10:32 pm

Dear Santa Denier,

Not even you can pour cold water on this festive holiday season for me.

I actually won more duels than I lost in IFL this year! I know that isn’t a big deal to you, but after going 1-6 for Team Fist I was having serious self-confidence issues. I mean, more than normal. Never mind my negative PDPB. Darn, I just remembered you don’t care about anything I just wrote. Forget all that and let me move on to another subject.

Christmastime warms my heart just like a steaming bowl of Chicken with Stars on a cold, lonely forest night. It’s wonderful to see people happy, spending time with family, and exchanging gifts. I got to play Secret Santa at the Real RhyDin house and gave Kheldar a very special gift. I donated twenty five silver nobles to the RhyDin Arbor Relief Fund! I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens his present. I’m sure he’ll be just as happy as I would be to receive a wonderful gift like that.

Izira has decorated the Inn for the holidays. She has plenty of Egg Nog and those Christmas cookies with the maraschino cherries in the middle. As much as I enjoy my housemates, I can’t wait to get back to the Inn once the IFL season is over. I especially miss when we would spend Friday all night together. I mean, where else can you find someone who likes to play Scrabble as much as we do?

I skipped the rest of your letter when you used the word “skimpy” because I figured you were trying to corrupt my soul again. So let me just end with this.

Yes, Tara, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. That was written by Francis Pharcellus Church, and I hope those words have touched you like they touched me.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year!

Your Distant Cousin,
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Legendary Adventurer
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Post by JewellRavenlock » Mon Dec 25, 2017 9:59 pm

My Lovely Killa,

It is Yule time! Do they celebrate Yule in hell? Probably not.

I miss you even more at this time of the year when I remember our clubhouse and the pretty lights we hung in it; that tree we set on fire; and that guy who came by, claiming to be a fire inspector. You hit him in the head with a shovel after he said we had several fire safety violations.

I'm going to be celebrating Yule today at Salvador's residence. It was very nice of him to invite me because I have been feeling very lonely and a little sad. That's probably because I have iron poisoning in my heart and it's going to kill me in a few months if my knight doesn't bring back a relic to save my life, or it could be because I'm having guy troubles... again.

I kicked Zandrick to the curb shortly after telling you about him. His name does sound too much like a medication. He also didn't seem to like that I made out with Canaan in front of him. He got all pouty and pathetic and clingy. I can't stand when they do that!

So I told him to get lost.

Then I spent part of the summer floating around Hope's pool, drinking, and feeling sorry for myself before I met this guy named Samuel Adder. He was pretty good in bed. He was also a demon. He ran for governor. I helped him with that. Shame he didn't win. This place could use some serious livening up.

When I found out he was just using me for sex and to get to my young friend Mallory (she's a powerful witch), I helped kill him and burn his empire down.

That was fun.

And theeeeen I started sleeping with Canaan. Who I really really like, but I didn't want him to get too attached because I'm pretty sure I'm going to die (again--only this time for good) and that just seems cruel.

I'm cruel but I'm not that cruel.

Also, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about being with him when I know how much he loves Sal. I don't begrudge him that but really, let's be honest: I always want to be first. I deserve to be first.

None of that matters though because Canaan doesn't want to sleep with me anymore ever since I took your advice (you really always give me the best advice--like that time you told me that all I needed to do was tell Kal I wasn't wearing anything under my dress if I wanted him to finally get up the nerve to sleep with me) and started sleeping with Sinjin when he showed back up in the city a few weeks ago.

My friend, you were so right. That man is hotter than hott.

I now have a new biggest life regret: not sleeping with Sin sooner. I guess we'll just make up for lost time now. Seems like a pretty solid way to spend the last few weeks of my life.

That is pretty much the extent of my troubles with men. Reading back over what I just wrote, it doesn't really sound like too much trouble though. It actually sounds pretty fun.

I've been sharing a bedroom with Gren for our team dueling league thing this year. To explain what that's been like will take a whole other letter entirely (and I don't have time because I have to go make myself look pretty because Cane AND Sin will both be at Sal's today). Suffice to say... Gren is weird. But sweet.

I think we should keep him.

I love you I love you I love you!

Please come back soon


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Post by Tara » Thu Jan 18, 2018 10:14 pm


Sometimes when you throw all these acronyms and terms at me I think you actually think I understand half of what in the hell you're trying to communicate to me.

Hint: I DON'T.

IFL? I Frickin Lose? What does that even mean?! Why are the teams names of body parts? Team Eyeball. Team Kneecap. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

And you wonder why I can't get along with any of you and I'm supposedly the weird one? Give me strength.

The only good thing I took from your letter is that you are no longer thinking soup is part of the alphabet so that's a great sign.

I just wish you'd stop playing board games with your girlfriend and get down to starting a LIFE with her already. I think Francis Church, whoever the hell that is, would agree with me on that.

I am ALMOST home.

I know I keep saying that but I keep getting detoured.

On the way back I ran into some technical difficulties with this electrical tablet I took from this store which was advertising how new and great and fancy it was!

The boy who worked at the store chased me out into the street and said I needed to pay for it but I punched him ten times in his face and he was actually choking on his own teeth which I happened to knock out and he forgot about me.

I then wandered into a coffee place which was really loud with the music that was vibrating in my brain noodles and the lady at the counter showed me how to use the tablet.

I am writing this to you on this thing actually but I said you didn't have anything like this in your tree domicile so she helped me to transfer the words onto a piece of paper which is how you're now reading it.

I then spent the better part of an afternoon surfing the Interwebses.

This is where you come in. Stop thinking about how the extra pounds you put on during Christmas is now causing you NOT to fit into your Captain Ranger tights you likely purchased and pay close attention now!

Can you reach out to my I.T. guy Jared and tell him that I'd like him to send flowers to this hacker lady I met on the computer space thing? Her name is Tara too! But they call her BlackRoomSec? I do not know why this is because that makes no sense to me but she said to find her on the Twitters when I told her that Jared might like to speak to her and maybe she could teach him some stuff because he really sucks as an I.T. guy.

Do you know he still can't get me back into my Princess of Zod account that I worked SO HARD to build up! I loved that game!

I was so excited because I DEFINITELY understood what the Twitters meant (this is the plural of Tweeter and means she has two, not one like me and sometimes I think you have one too but I don't always tell you that) and I said "Okay, I have a tweeter too!"

And she asked me to show it to her but I didn't know how to do that. When I get back you're going to have to show me how to show her because I think that is how hackers greet each other? I got that impression. I do not even know what a hacker is but she said she is one and that they can control the computer space like I can control meatpuppets' minds! Isn't that awesome?!

Anyway, just get Jared to send her pretty flowers! She says her favorite are lilies like mine are! We have a lot in common!

Don't screw this up for me, dummy.

I actually made a new friend and I don't want you filling her head with the crazy stories you tell everyone we know about me which are untrue! Like how I kill people indiscriminately! There's a lot of planning which goes into my killings I'll have you know!

Okay I have to go.

The lady who printed out the words is now yelling at me that I should not be behind the counter, which I am, fiddling around with the coffee machine.

Do you know if you rotate it a full one hundred and eight degrees you can get it to shoot out the scaulding hot water in one of the barista's faces?

I just did that.

His name is Aaron.

Aaron is screaming that he no longer has a face.

It's a little red and all but I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. His face is still there!

I'll write again soon.

Get a Tweeter dummy! I am going to get another one too! This way we can talk quicker and not have to write all this stuff back and forth to each other and it takes weeks to get here!

I hate waiting. It's so hard.

Okay I'm going now. She's got this long glass rod and she's advancing on me like a crazy person.

The coffee lady unlike the hacker lady is NOT my friend, Grenny.

Just saying.

You still are though! Ha ha!

Bye stupid!

(( Yes, I broke the Fourth wall and lots of rulez. Sue me. This is why I don't play that much anymore because my life is nine kinds of insane but I always look forward to writing with you and Lynz. You make me laugh. ))
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Gren Blockman
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Post by Gren Blockman » Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:41 pm

Dear Tara,

Happy International Day of Forests!

Yes, it is a thing. It’s a very important day, in fact. March 21 kicks off a very busy month of ecological awareness days, leading up to Earth Day on April 22, and then culminating in Arbor Day on April 27. World Water Day, World Sparrow Day, World Fish Migration Day, I’m going to be so busy it’s crazy!

So anyway, I’m just sending you a quick and helpful note to remind you to be kind to animals, trees, and flora and fauna in general. Recycle those gyro wrappers!

I’ve already started putting up posters around the city. I even made peace with Rita’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gyros, and they’ve agreed to put a big sign with my face on it in their window in the spirit of the holiday season.

I’ve included three pine saplings for you to plant where you see fit. Remember to space them 10 to 12 feet apart, spruces need room to grow!

Things are going to get wild as Arbor Day approaches, so if you don’t hear from me before then, you’ll know why! A Ranger has his duties to perform, you know.

Have a Merry Ecological Holiday Season!

Your Defender of All Things Living,

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Proven Adventurer
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Post by Tara » Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:20 pm

Dearest Gunga-Din,

Happy Foresty Day to you too, moonbat.

Sometimes when you write the words that you do to me I am forced to call up images of you naked in my mind just so I can get to the end of each sentence without screaming in Greater Demonic. Now before you start covering your pork and beans, let me just say that at no time did I ever have any sexual leanings toward you. Even when I was trying to make you my husband and even though I'm the Babylon Whore.

Truly, I never did.

I just have to think of you in a state I will never actually see you in, in reality, to remind myself that you are dead serious about the things you say. And, I was only trying to "husband" you up because most of my exes died under mysterious circumstances and if the past predicts the future, baby, that meant you'd likely to kick the bucket too.

I failed, obviously, at snagging you but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part you were just too obsessed with imprisoning your female love slave in the pocket of your pants.

Do you ever consider how unbelievably INSANE that is? I mean, really.

Women don't belong trapped in clothing but whatever let's get on with breaking down your letter in order of the unfair demands you have issued.

On the matter of my being kind to animals, trees and flora and fauna: I will recycle the gyro wrappers by wrapping the aforementioned list of things you care about in them. Because I don't usually wear pants so they can't very well go there and as they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I want to be just like you.

With regard to your littering our once mighty (but definitely wanting of late) city, please stop spreading your propaganda in this fashion. This isn't Victorian London or the Wild West and no one stops to read those kinds of public message signs anymore. They tweet each other, endlessly. I know this because the hacker lady told me. You should get into the Tweeterverse and hawk your biased narrative there.

When your letter was first opened and the pinecones fell out, I thought they were alien pods sent to me from that inhospitable hellmoon I ended up on because of you and began to scream about the pod people until I was reassured what they actually were: Trees with some assembly required.

I don't care what I was told those pinecones are going in my vault for at least a year so I can be sure they aren't going to sprout arms, legs, eyes and ears. Knowing you they are probably three dormant tree spirits which will come alive at a moment's notice and preach to me about the dangers of genetically modified foodstuffs, pink slime and flouride in the drinking water.

You're not going to get me this time, Gadget.

In the form of an appropriate reciprocal gift, enclosed you will find a charred styrofoam peanut. It was my practice peanut. We bonded. I heard that if you set it on fire it has the carcinogenic effect of like smoking a carton of cigarettes a day for twelve years which is why I ordered two tons of them and prior to writing you, set all the boxes in the back yard containing them, ablaze, because I really hate our frickin neighbors and I want them to get cancer and die a lot.

Like ALL the deaths.

Because that's MY duty.

Your Rider of the Ten-Headed Dragon of the Apocalypse,

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