Family Ties

[Tara]

Gren,

Tara here.

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Santa isn't real.

Spoiler alert.

Are you supposed to write that before you spoil something or after? I can never tell what the proper protocol is with you walking meat sticks.

You have SO many annoying rules. Who can keep track of this madness? I certainly can't!

Tara don't staple Jimmy's tongue to his upper lip. It's not polite and it hurts him badly. Just because you lack the ability to feel pain doesn't mean Jimmy can't feel pain. He can. This is why he is screaming through his nostrils.

Tara don't push geriatrics' wheelchairs with them still in them into oncoming traffic. It makes a big mess.

Tara, you can't park your apocalyptic dragon in the firezone at the local school, it is against the law.

Tara, we do not set people on fire with our hands, so why do you?

I can't help that my hands spew fire. It just happens!

Do I complain whenever one of you dies in front of me and I'm forced to give another "statement' to some idiot in a uniform who thinks he has authority over me? No.

And, so, yeah, Santa is about as real as I am alive. Sorry to break it to you kid. Don't worry about making his imaginary "nice list" either. It doesn't exist.

You're on mine though and boy do I have a present for you!

I'm still on my way home.

When I get there, I'm going to probably play drums on your head again and tell you all about the wild adventures I had which you are the primary cause of.

Then I'm going to go get busy with my man because I miss the hell out of him.

Last year he dressed up as Santa and chased me around the mansion while I was wearing this skimpy little elfess costume.

We ended up doing it under the tree. For like two whole hours. I had pine needles stuck in my hair for DAYS afterwards. It was ridic!

I even got him to say Ho, Ho, Ho like the real Santa would if he were, actually, real, but like I just told you he isn't.

And, I'm only explaining that because I realize my telling you or anyone else that Anubis used the words "Ho,Ho,Ho" with me requires context given what I am and I don't wish to confuse you.

We were "roleplaying" again.

We do that a lot.

When you're ancient AF like we are, you have to find meaningful ways to make sense out of this neverending existence and spice it up a bit.

I think this year he's going to be The Grinch.

I don't know what I want to be.

I hope you're still alive by the time I get back otherwise I'm resurrecting your stupid ass so I can toy with you some.

Ain't dying on my watch, kid.

Okay, dummy.

See you soon.

[Gren Blockman]

Dear Santa Denier,

Not even you can pour cold water on this festive holiday season for me.

I actually won more duels than I lost in IFL this year! I know that isn’t a big deal to you, but after going 1-6 for Team Fist I was having serious self-confidence issues. I mean, more than normal. Never mind my negative PDPB. Darn, I just remembered you don’t care about anything I just wrote. Forget all that and let me move on to another subject.

Christmastime warms my heart just like a steaming bowl of Chicken with Stars on a cold, lonely forest night. It’s wonderful to see people happy, spending time with family, and exchanging gifts. I got to play Secret Santa at the Real RhyDin house and gave Kheldar a very special gift. I donated twenty five silver nobles to the RhyDin Arbor Relief Fund! I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens his present. I’m sure he’ll be just as happy as I would be to receive a wonderful gift like that.

Izira has decorated the Inn for the holidays. She has plenty of Egg Nog and those Christmas cookies with the maraschino cherries in the middle. As much as I enjoy my housemates, I can’t wait to get back to the Inn once the IFL season is over. I especially miss when we would spend Friday all night together. I mean, where else can you find someone who likes to play Scrabble as much as we do?

I skipped the rest of your letter when you used the word “skimpy” because I figured you were trying to corrupt my soul again. So let me just end with this.

Yes, Tara, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. That was written by Francis Pharcellus Church, and I hope those words have touched you like they touched me.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year!

Your Distant Cousin,
Gren

[JewellRavenlock]

My Lovely Killa,

It is Yule time! Do they celebrate Yule in hell? Probably not.

I miss you even more at this time of the year when I remember our clubhouse and the pretty lights we hung in it; that tree we set on fire; and that guy who came by, claiming to be a fire inspector. You hit him in the head with a shovel after he said we had several fire safety violations.

I'm going to be celebrating Yule today at Salvador's residence. It was very nice of him to invite me because I have been feeling very lonely and a little sad. That's probably because I have iron poisoning in my heart and it's going to kill me in a few months if my knight doesn't bring back a relic to save my life, or it could be because I'm having guy troubles... again.

I kicked Zandrick to the curb shortly after telling you about him. His name does sound too much like a medication. He also didn't seem to like that I made out with Canaan in front of him. He got all pouty and pathetic and clingy. I can't stand when they do that!

So I told him to get lost.

Then I spent part of the summer floating around Hope's pool, drinking, and feeling sorry for myself before I met this guy named Samuel Adder. He was pretty good in bed. He was also a demon. He ran for governor. I helped him with that. Shame he didn't win. This place could use some serious livening up.

When I found out he was just using me for sex and to get to my young friend Mallory (she's a powerful witch), I helped kill him and burn his empire down.

That was fun.

And theeeeen I started sleeping with Canaan. Who I really really like, but I didn't want him to get too attached because I'm pretty sure I'm going to die (again--only this time for good) and that just seems cruel.

I'm cruel but I'm not that cruel.

Also, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about being with him when I know how much he loves Sal. I don't begrudge him that but really, let's be honest: I always want to be first. I deserve to be first.

None of that matters though because Canaan doesn't want to sleep with me anymore ever since I took your advice (you really always give me the best advice--like that time you told me that all I needed to do was tell Kal I wasn't wearing anything under my dress if I wanted him to finally get up the nerve to sleep with me) and started sleeping with Sinjin when he showed back up in the city a few weeks ago.

My friend, you were so right. That man is hotter than hott.

I now have a new biggest life regret: not sleeping with Sin sooner. I guess we'll just make up for lost time now. Seems like a pretty solid way to spend the last few weeks of my life.

That is pretty much the extent of my troubles with men. Reading back over what I just wrote, it doesn't really sound like too much trouble though. It actually sounds pretty fun.

I've been sharing a bedroom with Gren for our team dueling league thing this year. To explain what that's been like will take a whole other letter entirely (and I don't have time because I have to go make myself look pretty because Cane AND Sin will both be at Sal's today). Suffice to say... Gren is weird. But sweet.

I think we should keep him.

I love you I love you I love you!

Please come back soon

xoxo

Jewellsie

[Tara]

Cubeskull,

Sometimes when you throw all these acronyms and terms at me I think you actually think I understand half of what in the hell you're trying to communicate to me.

Hint: I DON'T.

IFL? I Frickin Lose? What does that even mean?! Why are the teams names of body parts? Team Eyeball. Team Kneecap. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

And you wonder why I can't get along with any of you and I'm supposedly the weird one? Give me strength.

The only good thing I took from your letter is that you are no longer thinking soup is part of the alphabet so that's a great sign.

I just wish you'd stop playing board games with your girlfriend and get down to starting a LIFE with her already. I think Francis Church, whoever the hell that is, would agree with me on that.

I am ALMOST home.

I know I keep saying that but I keep getting detoured.

On the way back I ran into some technical difficulties with this electrical tablet I took from this store which was advertising how new and great and fancy it was!

The boy who worked at the store chased me out into the street and said I needed to pay for it but I punched him ten times in his face and he was actually choking on his own teeth which I happened to knock out and he forgot about me.

I then wandered into a coffee place which was really loud with the music that was vibrating in my brain noodles and the lady at the counter showed me how to use the tablet.

I am writing this to you on this thing actually but I said you didn't have anything like this in your tree domicile so she helped me to transfer the words onto a piece of paper which is how you're now reading it.

I then spent the better part of an afternoon surfing the Interwebses.

This is where you come in. Stop thinking about how the extra pounds you put on during Christmas is now causing you NOT to fit into your Captain Ranger tights you likely purchased and pay close attention now!

Can you reach out to my I.T. guy Jared and tell him that I'd like him to send flowers to this hacker lady I met on the computer space thing? Her name is Tara too! But they call her BlackRoomSec? I do not know why this is because that makes no sense to me but she said to find her on the Twitters https://www.twitter.com/blackroomsec when I told her that Jared might like to speak to her and maybe she could teach him some stuff because he really sucks as an I.T. guy.

Do you know he still can't get me back into my Princess of Zod account that I worked SO HARD to build up! I loved that game!

I was so excited because I DEFINITELY understood what the Twitters meant (this is the plural of Tweeter and means she has two, not one like me and sometimes I think you have one too but I don't always tell you that) and I said "Okay, I have a tweeter too!"

And she asked me to show it to her but I didn't know how to do that. When I get back you're going to have to show me how to show her because I think that is how hackers greet each other? I got that impression. I do not even know what a hacker is but she said she is one and that they can control the computer space like I can control meatpuppets' minds! Isn't that awesome?!

Anyway, just get Jared to send her pretty flowers! She says her favorite are lilies like mine are! We have a lot in common!

Don't screw this up for me, dummy.

I actually made a new friend and I don't want you filling her head with the crazy stories you tell everyone we know about me which are untrue! Like how I kill people indiscriminately! There's a lot of planning which goes into my killings I'll have you know!

Okay I have to go.

The lady who printed out the words is now yelling at me that I should not be behind the counter, which I am, fiddling around with the coffee machine.

Do you know if you rotate it a full one hundred and eight degrees you can get it to shoot out the scaulding hot water in one of the barista's faces?

I just did that.

His name is Aaron.

Aaron is screaming that he no longer has a face.

It's a little red and all but I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. His face is still there!

I'll write again soon.

Get a Tweeter dummy! I am going to get another one too! This way we can talk quicker and not have to write all this stuff back and forth to each other and it takes weeks to get here!

I hate waiting. It's so hard.

Okay I'm going now. She's got this long glass rod and she's advancing on me like a crazy person.

The coffee lady unlike the hacker lady is NOT my friend, Grenny.

Just saying.

You still are though! Ha ha!

Bye stupid!



(( Yes, I broke the Fourth wall and lots of rulez. Sue me. This is why I don't play that much anymore because my life is nine kinds of insane but I always look forward to writing with you and Lynz. You make me laugh. ))

[Gren Blockman]

Dear Tara,

Happy International Day of Forests!

Yes, it is a thing. It’s a very important day, in fact. March 21 kicks off a very busy month of ecological awareness days, leading up to Earth Day on April 22, and then culminating in Arbor Day on April 27. World Water Day, World Sparrow Day, World Fish Migration Day, I’m going to be so busy it’s crazy!

So anyway, I’m just sending you a quick and helpful note to remind you to be kind to animals, trees, and flora and fauna in general. Recycle those gyro wrappers!

I’ve already started putting up posters around the city. I even made peace with Rita’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gyros, and they’ve agreed to put a big sign with my face on it in their window in the spirit of the holiday season.

I’ve included three pine saplings for you to plant where you see fit. Remember to space them 10 to 12 feet apart, spruces need room to grow!

Things are going to get wild as Arbor Day approaches, so if you don’t hear from me before then, you’ll know why! A Ranger has his duties to perform, you know.


Have a Merry Ecological Holiday Season!

Your Defender of All Things Living,

Gren

[Tara]

Dearest Gunga-Din,

Happy Foresty Day to you too, moonbat.

Sometimes when you write the words that you do to me I am forced to call up images of you naked in my mind just so I can get to the end of each sentence without screaming in Greater Demonic. Now before you start covering your pork and beans, let me just say that at no time did I ever have any sexual leanings toward you. Even when I was trying to make you my husband and even though I'm the Babylon Whore.

Truly, I never did.

I just have to think of you in a state I will never actually see you in, in reality, to remind myself that you are dead serious about the things you say. And, I was only trying to "husband" you up because most of my exes died under mysterious circumstances and if the past predicts the future, baby, that meant you'd likely to kick the bucket too.

I failed, obviously, at snagging you but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part you were just too obsessed with imprisoning your female love slave in the pocket of your pants.

Do you ever consider how unbelievably INSANE that is? I mean, really.

Women don't belong trapped in clothing but whatever let's get on with breaking down your letter in order of the unfair demands you have issued.

On the matter of my being kind to animals, trees and flora and fauna: I will recycle the gyro wrappers by wrapping the aforementioned list of things you care about in them. Because I don't usually wear pants so they can't very well go there and as they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I want to be just like you.

With regard to your littering our once mighty (but definitely wanting of late) city, please stop spreading your propaganda in this fashion. This isn't Victorian London or the Wild West and no one stops to read those kinds of public message signs anymore. They tweet each other, endlessly. I know this because the hacker lady told me. You should get into the Tweeterverse and hawk your biased narrative there.

When your letter was first opened and the pinecones fell out, I thought they were alien pods sent to me from that inhospitable hellmoon I ended up on because of you and began to scream about the pod people until I was reassured what they actually were: Trees with some assembly required.

I don't care what I was told those pinecones are going in my vault for at least a year so I can be sure they aren't going to sprout arms, legs, eyes and ears. Knowing you they are probably three dormant tree spirits which will come alive at a moment's notice and preach to me about the dangers of genetically modified foodstuffs, pink slime and flouride in the drinking water.

You're not going to get me this time, Gadget.

In the form of an appropriate reciprocal gift, enclosed you will find a charred styrofoam peanut. It was my practice peanut. We bonded. I heard that if you set it on fire it has the carcinogenic effect of like smoking a carton of cigarettes a day for twelve years which is why I ordered two tons of them and prior to writing you, set all the boxes in the back yard containing them, ablaze, because I really hate our frickin neighbors and I want them to get cancer and die a lot.

Like ALL the deaths.

Because that's MY duty.

Your Rider of the Ten-Headed Dragon of the Apocalypse,

Tara

[Tara]

Grenerith,

No time to talk specifics, I'm running out of air as I write this with Jeremy's left severed hand, here, in the dark. Oddly enough I cannot see what it is I'm writing so if I accidentally make a pass at you don't go telling Anpu what I wrote because then he's going to think I cheated on him and you will die grisly.

And I don't want the love of my unlife thinking I would ever cheat on him, ya hear?! I mean, read?!

The last time he thought I cheated on him he used the guy as a battering ram and poked a man-sized hole through some lady's house. I think we're still in arbitration about all that. She's still pretty pissed. I tried to explain to her that Anubis and I had been prevented from marrying, first because of his crazy father and second because his crazy father pawned Dawn off on him and that made Anpu a touch unstable sometimes but she won't listen.

She doesn't get our love.

No one does.

Well, maybe Jewelsie. She's been around for a while and knows what we went through.

But you don't because, well, you're you.

Anyway the crazy lady wants the damn hole fixed in her wall and I told Anpu, I said, "Sweetheart, let me handle this in the only way I know how...let me rip her spleen out through her left eyeball."

But then Anpu said, "My Beautiful One, we shall endeavor to settle this in a mortal court of law and shall not deprive the woman of her spleen in such a discourteous fashion. Now, come, kiss me as you did in Marathon during the Undying Season."

I don't actually know what that is but he seems to think I do so I just went along with it.

Let me tell you, I wish EVERY DAY was the Undying Season. Hoo, that boy can screw!

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Then I said, "Okay but I'm still kinda unclear on what discourteous fashion would be inappropriate here, sweetheart, are you saying that I should NEVER remove her spleen or are we waiting until after the meatpuppet kangaroo judge tells us what he thinks to then remove her spleen because we are not bound by these rules, you know that, right?"

And then I don't remember what happened next because like I said, Undying Season REDUX!

Oh, right, Jeremy.

Okay so you know how I'm a hacker now that BlackRoomSec on the Twitters taught me things?

Yeah well Jeremy is a hacker too, or, you know, like, was, or somewhat still is, just he's missing this hand of his I'm holding and it totally was a freak accident how he came to be deprived of it as Anpu would say but I was in no way at fault.

Anyway he said that I suck at hacking.

I told him that he sucked more.

A gentle argument ensued.

His hand got hacked off so you know he is not a very good judge of skill.

And now I'm in a dark place with that hand.

Running out of air.

Writing to you.

Come to think of it, what if this letter never reaches you before I pass out and you don't know I was still technically functioning at the time I wrote this missive?

Wait, I think I hear something.

I'm yelling for someone to free me but I don't think they can hear me. They sound like they are under water.

Listen before I die, just tell Anpu that I love and miss him, tell Jewelsie the same and I would say the same for you but you'd probably break out in hives.

I hope to see you again eventually.

Assuming I get a next time.

Please don't be stupid when I return because I'll be really pissed. I hate that you're so very stupid. You have such potential, Blockhead.

Okay bye. Jeremy's hand is getting pins and needles and it's making me a little fuzzy in the brainpan.

Love,

Da Cockroach Killah

[Gren Blockman]

To the ‘Lady’ of Babylon:

483 days between letters.

Ah well, it was peaceful while it lasted.

I see you’ve hit your usual points as well.

You’re stuck in a dangerous/life-threatening situation (even though you’re undead/’Lady’ of Babylon).

Your ‘romance’ with Anubis, coupled with another pronouncement of his prowess in the bedroom.

Another person, Jeremy, who wound up dead after having the ill fortune to get within a ten foot radius of you. (As well as all those husbands and those “mysterious circumstances”).

Insults leveled at me, such as “stupid” and “blockhead” and “me being me”.

Thanks for the confidence boosters, by the way.

Anyhow, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know one thing. I sort of took your advice from a year ago and asked Izira to marry me. And she said yes! So we’re engaged now. Hopefully it won’t take five years to actually tie the knot like it took for me to pop the question. But I did pop the question. So you should be proud of me.

I’m sure Jewell will be glad to know you’re still around and kicking. She does miss you. I haven’t seen Anubis in a long while, and usually I get those facial spasms whenever he enters the same room as me, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to convey that particular message.

And one last thing. I just realized something. A synonym is a word that means the same as another word. SO WHY ISN’T THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? I think that you are a prime suspect in this mystery. I expect a full confession when I see you again.

Here’s hoping you get out of your current deep dark place,

Grenerith the First

[Tara]

Dear Dippity-Do,

Yes, it's been 483 days between letters! Of course it's been 483 days between letters! You want to know WHY?! Because I've been out here, sweating my forked tail off, trying to be that "ambassador" you told me to be a few years back! Saying how I needed to be nicer, spread some good will and cheer and not my legs and now Jeremy's frickin hand fell off because of your stupid ideas!

Ok, that was harsh. I shouldn't have said "frickin".

Look, I know my limitations, okay? That's all I'm saying. I tried to do it YOUR way but YOUR way involves hands falling off and if you don't want to hold yourself accountable for all that, I will.

Jeremy will.

He's been screaming for the last few hours saying that if I mentioned you one more time he was going to kill you himself.

I explained that your mortality status is in a constant state of flux and that even I am not sure if you are mortal or immortal but I'm fairly sure it's somewhere at least in between.

He said he didn't care.

"You say Grenny one more time and he dies," Jeremy said while wrapping his bloodied stump in some newspaper.

I'm a little salty about all this because he didn't even ask if me if I wanted to read it.

Oh, hey, fun fact about me! Did you know that for much of my time in Rhy'Din most of the mouth-breathing meatpuppets thought I could read Proper even though I said I could NOT read Proper, I could only speak it, and yet they still wrote me letters in it despite my telling them I was illiterate? Did you know that, Grenny?

Hold on, Jeremy passed out again.




Okay, I'm back.

I splashed some cold water on him and he woke up sputtering. He's asking me when this agony is going to end and I don't have an answer. I should probably tell you although you've probably guessed by now I am out of the dark place. As is Jeremy.

I left his hand in the dark place to appease the shadows and also to protect Jeremy from having to constantly deal with the realization that his hand, has in fact, frickin fell off. I was waving it around to make air because I was suffocating and he was saying that my doing so was bordering on harassment.

Which brings me back to you thinking I'd make a good ambassador.

I, umm, do not make a good one.

I will never make a good one.

The only thing I'm good at doing is making babies and dead husbands.

Anyway, I have to get going here. Jeremy and I are going to the blood bank to see if we can get some of their stock to replenish what he's lost. I hear they give you stickers. I like stickers. Especially the glow in the dark kind which might've been useful to me back in the dark place but I'm not there anymore so it doesn't matter.

Not that you cared what with your hifalutin 'tude you displayed in your hostile and aggressive missive to me.

I am glad you are finally getting around to freeing Izira from your pants pocket.

I am happy that you are coming out of your shell and trying to do it MY way which is get along with others and make friends.

Are any of my old friends even still alive? It's been 483 days for Pete's sake! For all I know I could've left and they started dropping dead due to the fact that I wasn't around to be friendly with them. And you aren't exactly a proper substitute.

You're mental.

I'll write again soon.

Love,

Annabelle Lee


P.S.

MAYO! MAYO! MAYO!

HA HA DUMMY! GOT YOU!

[JewellRavenlock]

Dearest Killa,

Hi! Gren said you were alive. Well.. I actually read his mail sometimes when he leaves it around the team house. Or in his nightstand. Or under his pillow so he can kiss it at night before sleeping (that's for Izira's letters, not yours. Your letters he hides in the freezer cause they scare him).

How are you? Is Jeremy cute? I wonder what he can do even though he only has one hand now. Maybe you should bring him home so I can see you and him. That would be nice.

I do miss you an awful lot. RhyDin has been positively boring! Very few handsome men around. Lots of dummies and uggoes.

I got in a fight with Maggie Harker and Rhiannon recently. I don't really care for either of them, but I learned something interesting. Did you know I had children once? I apparently bartered my memories of them to save Sapphire's life. Even if RhyDin is boring, at least I'm not.

I'm also now Queen of the Wayward Court, but I'm still the same Empress as always.

I'll tell Jake you're alive next time I see him. Maybe Tannie and I will kidnap him for a vacation again. That's always fun.

I love you!

xoxoxo

Jewellsie

[Gren Blockman]

Dear Hacker from H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks,

We’ve gone from 483 days between letters to 2. I’m sensing an unhealthy pattern here.

Also, I’m glad Jeremy isn’t actually dead. At least not for the moment. I wish I was there when he asked you when the agony was going to end. It’s been around six years since I’ve met you and it hasn’t stopped yet.

I don’t remember ever trying to get you to become an “ambassador” of “good will”, as you say, but as much as it pains me to say it, I think you should stop. Considering everything you do is tainted with evil, your supposed good deeds are just turning into evil debacles. Just be yourself . . . that way people can see the evil coming and run for the hills.

Jewell was happy to hear of your note. I think she’s off to pen one herself to send to you. Well, hey, that’s one friend you haven’t driven crazy or “accidentally” chopped their hand off. I guess you’ve gotta score those karma points wherever you can scrape them up.

I’ve gotta go now. I’m safely storing your last letter in the freezer between the Vegetable Medley and my Arachnid Man Popsicles. If I save 100 Arachnid Man Popsicle Sticks, I can send them in and get a free Arachnid Man comic! Man, I don’t know how these people stay in business.


From whatever relative or relation I happen to be to you at the present time,

Gren


P.S. I find your Mayo obsession disturbing to say the least. How about trying a nice mustard? Dijon style? Maybe Honey Mustard? That might explain some of your hostility. Mayo is evil, you know. Wait, that actually explains a few things . . . . .

[Tara]

Environmentally-Friendly Locally-Sourced Brain Made of Renewable Blocks,

It is I, your forever friend, Tara Rynieyn, come to respond to this letter an additional eight thousand days after you last wrote me because I have been far too busy hacking the Gibson to pause to respond to you.

I realize you understood none of what I have written thus far and that is OK. I still love you. I may be older than the eldest of your precious trees in that horror forest you live in, but I have lost NONE of my potency.

As I understand it told to me by some meatpuppet I met on one of your dirty buses you claim runs on soybean oil, my future husband Anubis Karos is having another one of his bloodletting matches this Sunday eve.

I believe I shall come visit.

Lend my love some support. Wear something SCANDALOUS. That should drive him up a wall.

If you were wise, you would also attend this shindig otherwise I might be tempted to come find you. And then I would receive yet another strongly-worded missive from Panther or Collie about how I drove the property values down again with all the dead bodies stacking up in my wake.

One would think after all these years they would come to expect what might happen when I am around but, they never have and likely never will. This town has a rich history but some of its oldest residents, including myself I suppose, have a short memory at times.

We have always preferred to pretend we weren't ever a disfunctional lot even if that were furthest from the truth.

Give my love to Jewelsie and God Simon.

Please don't wear anything plaid or I shall thrash you ten times. I am not explaining why.

Be there or be square, Gren.

I mean it!

Love <3

The Babylon Whore

[Gren Blockman]

Dear I've Lost Track Of What Relative You're Supposed To Be At This Point:

You know, I think you must've sensed what I was up to. I wasn't *trying* to be naughty, call it more of a political statement.

See, I just *happened* to be in Battlefield Park last night, dressed in the plaid shirt, suspenders, and work boots of a lumberjack, distributing informative and heartfelt Flyers announcing the impending arrival of April 30th, or as we know it better, Arbor Day. "Don't be a lumberjack! Put away those chainsaws!" I thought it was rather witty of me, if I must say.

Quick sidenote, people kept asking me to say I was a lumberjack, and say I was okay. Something about sleeping all night and working all day too. I didn't get it, but it made the people happy.

Anyway, lo and behold you say you're going to be there, and not to wear plaid.

Now luckily for all of us with mortal lifespans, you showing up didn't happen. I know your fondness for "extinction level events", as you call them. So thank you from myself and the average citizen for not unleashing whatever nuclear meltdown you had planned when you saw me in plaid.

So regardless, sorry I missed you and whatever evil destruction you had in store. Maybe next time *you* can show up and *I* can stay at home, and once again we will both be responsible for saving RhyDin City as we know it.

From that person you last wrote two years ago,

Gren

P.S. Thanks for not mentioning mayonnaise in your last letter at least.