From the Ashes. . .

[PslyderFTA]

Psly laughed, and then spoke again.

"Yes, you will carry some of my DNA with you, but you'll be much more draconic when your evolution runs its course. Don't worry, you won't be a shrunken form of yourself. You might have to work a little harder to attract other dragons, for you will always have a taint of humanity about you."

Again, he took up a seat, pressing the 'call' button, and smiling at the attendant who wheeled a covered cart opened the door, dropping off his cart at the bedside.

Psly adjusted the hospital style cart to position it over her bed, about waist level, and removed the cover. A steaming pile of freshly filleted lamb strips, carefully kept to blood warmth lay upon a plate, glistening in the light.

"Hungry?"

[Byzannce]

Human taint?

I suppose there are worse things that one could be contaminated with. Orc? Goblin?

He moved the cart such that I could see the contents of the plate, but the lamb there was sliced and laid neatly before me. I sighed. More of what he'd done to perfectly good lamb!

I have no idea how I'm going to do this, motor control is iffy at best.

"Thank you, but tthere are sssimply too many quesstionss right now in my head." I was not going to admit that I couldn't do such a simple thing.

"Whhat sssshall we begin with?"

[PslyderFTA]

Noticing the look on her face, Psly grinned.

"How about first we discuss how your food is going to come to you for a while. Your body is going to be under a continuous state of change for quite some time as it adapts to your consciousness. Meaning, until you can concentrate enough to adapt yourself, you've got to stick to small bites. At least take heart in the fact that your meal was still munching grass fifteen minutes ago."

Now it was Psly's turn to sigh, and drape a napkin across her chest, then he grabbed up a fork, spearing a slice, and picking up the bite-sized morsel.

"So, would you like my help, or are you ready to try this for yourself?"

[Byzannce]

I groaned inwardly.

"Howw my food iss going to come to me? It lookss like it comess on a table withh wheelss."

He told me that things would be changing for quite some time, and in some ways that's a relief, but it means things will be slow, and I am simply too humiliated to tell him I can't even pickup that fork myself yet. Just getting words out that are understandable is a challenge.

"I amm ssure it iss fine, but I am not hunngry..."

He laid a linen over my chest and speared a morsel of the lamb, and my stomach grumbled.

Lovely, this new body would give me away!

With a resigned sigh, "I tthink you know I cannot do tthiss jusst yet."

I watched his reaction to my admission closely. I'll shred him scale from scale if he ever tells a soul!

Jacob! I am so glad he's not here to see this. Talk about humiliation. I wonder if the war he spoke of to the elf has anything to do with Lord Momus.

[PslyderFTA]

Psly simply held the speared piece of meat up in front of her lips.

"I know this isn't the best of situations, but I'm afraid all your meals for some time are going to have to come to you as this was. First, you aren't going to be coordinated enough to make your own kills for a while, and second, you don't have the jaw structure yet. Now, if you'll open your mouth, I'll help you eat. And don't worry, the staff have all been sworn to silence."

He waited for her response.

[Byzannce]

The lamb smelled wonderful! It was held before my lips, just tempting me, and I shot a look at the elf before gingerly taking it from the fork.

"Sso tth sstaff iss ssworn to ssilence, but wwhat about you?"

The first taste, and I realized just how ravenous I really was, but the indignity of this!

"Wwhat do tthey ssay about my progresss? Are tthere anny predictionss how fasst tthiss will go?"

I looked longingly at the lamb, but tried to retain some semblence of grace under the circumstances.

"Wwhen did you feel magic wwhen you were here?"

[PslyderFTA]

He chuckled as he speared another piece of the lamb.

"You know my secrets, I know yours. I think that's a pretty fair trade, don't you?"

He continued to feed her the lamb, mentioning something about raptors and feeding their young in the same fashion.

"And as for the magic, well. . .before now, I wasn't that magically inclined. But as for your prognosis, they're still uncertain. As I said, it will all depend upon you and how much you will yourself to prevail. Mind over matter, sister. Your mind, your matter. Neh?"

[Shard]

Shard headed into the Outback with her mind on a good fight, and a nice swim. Psly had been gone all day, leaving the questions broiling in her mind.

When, and if, he showed up... She was NOT going to be too happy with him.

The Outback was fairly empty when she arrived, except for the Brigand, Farek. So she challenged him to a duel.

He picked Styx.

She won.

That was a first. She'd only ever been good at magic, but this... this was an interesting development.

And then, Psly was there. She ignored him until he asked her for a duel. She acquiesced.... Working him over in the pool wouldn't make him answer her questions any sooner, but it would make her feel a lot better at the the moment.

The beating commenced, but he still won. He even asked what was wrong... In the good ole Southern Boy accent....

So she revealed to him what she had seen on the telecom....and what she knew about his accent.

His only answer was, "Later, petit cheri."

She left after their duel, heading off to call some of the Dueling League's matchups for their second week. She even flirted viciously with another woman.

She was mad.

And she still had no answers.

[Byzannce]

I nibbled, well, TRIED to nibble the lamb, but real food for the first time in weeks was too hard to resist.


"You do not look bad in bllue. Wwhy do you prefer tthe form you take wwith sso much effort to maintain?"

His reference to raptors feeding their young in the same fashion brought a glower at him. "R-raptorss feed ttheir young tthe w-whole catch."

He kept saying my prognosis, and I think he means my future here, depends on me, 'mind over matter'.

"Sso tthiss dependss on mmy will tto ssucceed?"

All too soon the lamb vanished, and a horrible thought occured to me. "no!"

[PslyderFTA]

"Because this is the form others are most used to seeing me in, and the form I'm most comfortable with." He noted the look on her face, and smiled. "Fear not, little sister, all this too, shall pass. For now, I must go. I shall return soon."

With that, he left, still smiling.

He was still smiling when he walked into the Outback, Shard's duel catching his eye, and her victory spurring an even wider smile. Taking up his persona again, he quietly cheered her win, saying "Thaht's mah girl. . ."

Soon, he and Shard were in the pool, for what he thought was going to be a jovial match to celebrate, when she'd definitely made her thoughts known with a brutal series of kicks and punches.

After he fought her off, she left, and he was pondering how to approach the subject. Obviously, she'd found his old records from his past "life". And apparently, she knew something was amiss with his persona.

This. . .was going to get. . .ugly. . .

[Kor Jon]

Jacob slipped past the security post and into the cleaning gear closet, you'd think a high tech place like this would have better security, he thought to himself as he popped off the cover to the air vent and began to crawl along the duct. When he reached the grate he looked down of Byzannce's sleeping form.

Good bye Byzannce. I will come see you when I can. he sent the thought to her softly, hopefully she would remember when she awoke. He hurried back out of the complex taking to the sky. He had very little time until they left for the Emerald Isles.

Why don't I have any friends who are NOT in mortal danger? he wondered.

[Byzannce]

He'd left a while ago. His smile as he left said he knew way too much about everything that was happening. I hated this complete lack of control. The basic needs of life were not something I could do myself.

Silence settled over my room. Technicians and thereapists came and went. I was exhausted, and just not seeing improvement. It was SO frustrating! About the only thing improving were my speech skills.

They said I was doing very well, but they were not trapped inside a body that didn't listen to you!

Sleep seemed like the one thing I could do well. Every lesson, every session simply exhausted me. The library the elf had brought me was well rounded, and I learned a great deal as I read through the information. Things I hadn't known before about humans and how they lived. This is a weak species. Frail.

I've no idea how long I'd been sleeping, but the whisper in my thoughts woke me with a start, "Good bye Byzannce. I will come see you when I can."

I held my breath, hoping it was not just a pleasant dream. But nothing more was said.

The routine didn't vary. Work, therapy, eat, sleep.

[PslyderFTA]

In one of his rare free moments, Psly cursed under his breath.

Not only had he been completely unable to find Shard for a week ongoing now, his obligation to his new “little sister” Byzannce took up a great deal of his free time as he coached her through the physical therapy. Her speech was progressing nicely, as was the time she could stay awake. He predicted her being able to walk by the end of the week.

Now this challenge loomed over him. Well, he wouldn’t dwell. Either Psly would defend his title or not. If he failed, she deserved the Opal, and that was the end of it. Until he decided he needed it again.

That wasn’t his concern now. His main concern was to find Shard. He sat down in his chair looking over the console of display screens, before keying in her picture to the system.

Now, it was just a matter of time. Sooner or later, one of his “agents” would find her, and report in. All he had to do . . .

Was fly around the city, looking on his own.

Besides, how often could one be one’s own hangglider?

[Shard]

Shard headed on into the Outback, and looked around. She had been out, wandering the streets. Looking into windows. Watching people. She didn’t want to go back to Psly’s place just yet. She didn’t know how she would react if she saw him just now.

But she had an idea. And she didn’t know if it was worth it.

When she entered, Psly was standing there, under Styx, shirtless, and looking around. He almost looked happy. Shard thought he had probably just fought, since he had that glow about him. Then he saw her, and whatever emotion had been on his face drained away.

Shard stared for a moment. Her face looked very sad, and stayed that way. She moved to the bar, and sat with her back facing him. She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t surprised when Psly snuck behind the bar, and stood close to her, levitating his bottle into his hand, and leaning against the bar. He took a swig. He was still drinking beer, even though Shard was sure that the entity inhabiting him had already been given her own body.

Shard turned on her barstool, and studied the crowd, avoiding looking at Psly. “Anyone want a fight? I could use a good pummeling this evening.”

There was no answer from the crowd, but she heard behind her, “Well Ah guess thaht answers mah question...”

Shard turned to look at Psly over her shoulder, and murmured, “When are you going to answer mine?”

Psly took another swig of his beer, then looked at her. “Looks like Ah'm th' only one doin' any fightin' t'night, unless Jaycy comes outta th' showah sometime soon. . .” Shard shrugged.

Psly eased closer to her, and began to talk quietly in her ear. “Would you like a fight, or would you like to talk?”

Shard looked at him, and said, “It looks like we have a long conversation scheduled for sometime soon.” He leaned back, draining the last of the beer, “Yeah. Thaht we do.”

She turned, “And you... have some explaining to do.” Shard morphed into her true form, her eyes glowing faintly. The pixie tattoos sat glumly on her chest, staring at Psly. He tilted his head, the mirrorshades floating from the bar to land in his hand, and snapped them open to cover his eyes. “Really.”

Shard looked at him, and winced. Her eyes began to glow darker, and she lightly touched his hand. “Show me the truth....”

She sat up straight, eyes growing wide as she stared at him. His true form.... Something like a dragon, but not like a dragon. He could have passed for something like her. But he had hidden this from her. And she didn’t know how long. He squinted at her.

“So... this was the price you paid,” she said, as she reached out, and traced the lines of the bone blades along his arms.

He stiffened beneath her touch, and said quietly,“Y'know, sometimes yer jus' too damned curious.”

His hand whipped out, catching his shirt as it arced back to him, and he strode for the door. Pausing at the top of the stairs, he said, “Y'wanna talk, y'c'n find me where Ah paid this. . .price.”

She shook her head, clearing it, then looked after him. Tears started to slip down her cheeks.

“Ah'll wait.” He strode out, and the sound of wings flapping could be heard dopplering into the distance.

She laid her head against the bar a moment. Several days of wandering, and not sleeping had lead to her rash actions. She just hoped she had done the right thing in forcing him into the truth. She stood to follow him, her keen night eyes catching him as he turned towards the bluffs. With a
sob, she picked up her speed. She knew exactly where he was going.

[Byzannce]

Hours, days, weeks. The routine had become blurred into sameness. I could walk, if I thought hard enough about it. I could do the rudimentary things I needed to do for some semblance of autonomy. It was not enough. Not by any stretch of imagination. Frustration had eaten at me all day, and I had been short tempered with the staff at the Center. I needed to get out. I needed to get away.

I’d searched the memories I’d kept from Pslyder. He’d taken even longer to get to where I was today, but that still didn’t help. If he hadn’t shot me in the first place. I sighed. No use in going there. He had shot me.

I made it to the Portal, tired and wondering if I’d done the right thing, but I stepped through in time to hear what sounded like someone blackmailing Psly, "That depends Psly. How much would you like to pay to get out of it?”I paused as the speaker continued, “Besides, I heard about your mess anyways. You’re fine so long as it doesn’t upset Mycroft.”

Pslyder’s surprised voice rose, “Mah mess?”

I moved with focused deliberation, my legs were shaking from going so far for the first time. The speaker continued, “I know more than I let on. People talk. And you were not too smart for doing it during a match.”

Psly was shaking his head with a sigh when he spotted me, “Howdy petit, nice t’see ya.” Then he focused again on the man who’d been threatening him. “Geez chummer, cain’t even relax once inna while?”

He was using that awful slang again. I know he says people underestimate him because they think he’s uneducated, but it really is horrible to listen to when he does it.

Pslyder patted his couch, inviting me to come sit beside him, and with great determination, and resolve, I made it to the sofa before collapsing heavily onto the cushion beside him. I do not understand why he fights what he’s become. He’s much better looking in his new form, and yet he insists on maintaining the image of the elf. What I would not do to change! He leaned over and whispered to me, “That is because they are used to me in this form.”

I lifted a weary brow at him, “Brother, dearest, you are what you are. What I would kill a whole flock to be again.” He cannot fathom how much I yearn to take to the skies again.

He leaned back into the sofa, “You’ll learn. B’sides, ‘t ain’ th’ time jus’ yet.”

I growled at him as the speaker approached our perch, “So Psly, going to introduce me to your new chica?”

He quirked a brow at the man, “This heah’s mah sistah, Vince. An’ she’ll innerduce ‘erself.”

I tried to shove my elbow into Psly’s ribs, but it was a weak and uncoordinated attempt.

At that point, Lord Momus thundered into the Island. It was a shocking sound of reverberating thunder as he appeared in a rift. Rage was simply undeniable as the Dragon Lord moved with predatory grace toward Psly and me. He was tightly leashed, and I struggled to stand once more in the presence of my liege and leader. The staff barely able to keep me upright by now. Psly whispered, “Carefully petit. Don’t overstress.”

I gave him a grateful nod before putting myself between he and Lord Momus.

The man known as Vincent whispered to Pslyder as I stood between the dragon lord and my ‘brother’, “Speaking of overstress Psly, I may just have a job for you.”

Pslyder rose and stepped around me, “Ah’ll make mah own stand, thank ya.”

I reached out quickly, trying to snare his wrist. “Let me talk to him.”

He nodded, “A’ight.”

Very slowly and deliberately I made my way toward Lord Momus, but he walked around me, his attention riveted on Pslyder, and I struggled to get back to the sofa. Pslyder stood there, removing his mirror shades as Lord Momus failed to recognize me, failed to stop, failed to hear me.

Lord Momus was in a killing rage, and his hand shot out grabbing Pslyder by the throat, lifting him from the ground, his claws curling in an unbreakable grip around his throat.

The foolish man who’d been talking to Pslyder spoke up, “I suggest you take your hand off my employee.” He was courting death in the blink of an eye if he didn’t back away.

Lord Momus ignored him, and Pslyder grasped Tass’s hand, trying to take some of the pressure off his chin as Lord Momus spoke with deadly soft tones, “You killed one of my kin.”

Psly’s eyes shifted from elven green to draconic gold, and his voice dropped into a gravelly his, “Ah am one’a yer kin now, an’ she’s still livin’.”

Lord Momus gave him a curl of his lip, “you are no kin of mine, slayer.”

I reached them at last, “Please, stop this.” I sank unwillingly onto the sofa once more.

Psly was gasping for air, “Now, Ah suggest y’use thaht brain fer somethin’ besides keepin’ yer hair warm, an’ look t’th’ lady tryin’ tae get’cher attention.”Something snapped when Psly said “her”, and his rage spilled over, lashing out at Vincent violently.

I whispered to Pslyder, “He’s dangerous right now, rage, black, dark.” I could feel it, sense it without trying, somehow I knew Lord Momus was walking a knife edge of sanity.

Psly’s eyes changed back to green as he pointed at me. I spoke up, “Lord Momus, with time, I am promised my form will return to me…” The look the dragon lord gave me send a chill down my spine.

Psly chose that moment to shift, into his new form, wings spread out, his tail landed on the sand behind him, beautiful horns sprouted and swept back while azure scales rippled outward from the blue lines in his elven form. ‘Now, y’prepared t’listen?”

Vincent looked like he was about to say something and then thought better of it.

I pushed back to my feet, grabbing onto Psly’s blue scaled arm for leverage. I clung to him to remain upright just as Shard walked through the portal. Her look spoke volumes. But it could not be helped right now.

Vincent tried to keep Shard back, just as Lord Momus once more curled his lip at Pslyder, “I am not impressed, slayer.” His hand twisted in the air, crushing the wings hard against Psly’s body.

Psly stood there in pain, the delicate bones in the wings are easily hurt, and Lord Momus was trying to inflict pain. “You might call me a slayer, but I still have the right to defend myself, and my city.” His words were punctuated with pained gasps for air.

Lord Momus snarled, “You deliberately shot down my kin. And yet, you stand here and call yourself kin!”

I moved then, still trying to get his attention, “He is now related Lord Momus. That form he takes is mine.”

He continued to act as though he could not hear me as he continued with Pslyder. “Your defense was not warranted, and ill advised, slayer.”

Pslyder was gasping for air, “Tell… that…. to the…. families ….of the victims… your… ‘passenger’ … took.”

Shard approached warily, she looked hard at me, then offering me her arm to lean upon as Lord Momus continued to slowly strangle Pslyder. She clearly wanted to get involved in the fight, but Psly clearly wanted no interference from either of us. She whispered to me, “Let’s sit. I need to watch this, and you don’t need to be here.” She gave me a tight smile. Clearly she knew who I was, even though she and I had never met other than her knowledge that I had been inside Pslyder for those weeks.

I looked at her, “I need to get through to Lord Momus, but his rage is something I’ve never seen. He won’t listen.”

Vincent found some dangerous bravado as he spoke up, “One warning Tass. You start calming down or I’ll calm you down.”

Shard looked between Tass and Pslyder, “Has anyone bothered to ask what else is on his mind? Dragons die everyday because of people’s misconceptions.”

Psly flashed a glare at Vincent, “And you, stay back! Please. He is correct. I did act without thinking, and I am paying the price!” He looked once more at Tass, “This won’t help you.” He’d dropped his uncultured accent now as he gasped for each pained breath.

If only I could change, just partially! Anything to prove to Lord Momus that I am truly still alive, despite this humanoid form!

Lord Momus narrowed his eyes at Pslyder, “Her essence did not return to the Isles.”

I was too weak to shout, but Shard heard me, “I cannot return, not yet.”

Pslyder croaked, “That… is… because …. She stands…. behind you!”

Lord Momus continued, “upon death, a dragon has two choices slayer, one is to…” his voice dropped, as though he was reticent to tell Pslyder the options a dragon has at death.

From some deep place, he sent me enough energy that my anger at being so helpless caused a deep bone pain in my shoulders. “Lord Momus! Look at me, please! My essence followed the trail of the weapon, I resided within him until a solution could be found!” The pain radiated sharply and azure wings slowly unfurled behind me.

Lord Momus finally looked at me. His eyes narrowed as he took in the unfurling wings, and despite my likeness to Pslyder in a feminine form, he slowly registered recognition. Shard had taken a step back as the transformation started, but I could not complete it. She moved back toward me, taking my arm again.

“Please Lord Momus, he did shoot me out of the sky. But, I would be truly dead and gone without his help.”

Pslyder grabbed at the moment of hesitation, forming a protective barrier around himself to allow him to breathe. “If you would stop being blinded by your own rage, you’d realize I’ve been paying my penance, and have been doing everything within my power to aid in her recovery.”

Lord Momus’ eyes snapped back to Pslyder, “You know nothing of the rage I harbor, slayer, nor of the penance that is truly being paid.”

“How can you call me slayer? Is she dead?”

Lord Momus snapped back, “Is she who she was?” The derision was clear to me.

Pslyder answered him, “She lives. She breathes. She still enjoys lamb. She still thinks as she did, but with a little more experience, as do I.”

I could no longer hold the wings upright, and they drooped to the ground. “Someday I will be myself, someday.” The words were nearly whispered.

Shard stood beside me, holding me up or I would have been in a heap on the sand.

Lord Momus pulled Pslyder toward him, snarling, “she will stay that way, even though you have destroyed her pure essence, and she will stay with you!.”

“NO! Do not deny me milord!” He’d just passed sentence on me, declaring that I was no longer pure, and that I was being required to remain here with the elf, and not being allowed to go home.

They all ignored me, Pslyder continued, “and there is one less creature willing to kill your kind in the world. Therefore, ask yourself, who was slain?”

I was desperate, “Jacob. Jacob can tell you what’s been done. Jacob knows!” Somehow I had to convince Lord Momus that I was worthy of returning to the land of dragons, and not be left behind, left here and denied as being dragon kind. I grabbed Shard’s arm tightly as Lord Momus shoved Pslyder aside.

“You will stay here.”

I shook my head in denial, “something terrible is happening. Jacob wouldn’t tell me, but I know it is.”

He shook his head, “That is why you will be staying.”

“but” my argument was cut off.

“I will have no argument in this… the borders are closed to all, including kin.” He was adamant, and I was utterly crushed. My head dropped as he continued, “You are not whole, you are not strong, and you are not ready to see what is there. This is for your safety.” He turned toward Pslyder, “and yours.”

Pslyder reverted to his elven form as a multitude of lightening bolts hit the Isle, crashing down around us, and then he was gone.

I was left there as Nithhoger’s words echoed in my head. “You are usesless.” I must have whispered them, for Shard hugged me, “not entirely.”

I sank to the ground, pulling the wings I could not will away, nor finish transforming, around me, covering me in my misery. I was useless. And denied by my liege lord. Misery enveloped me, and all I wanted was to curl up in the sand alone. Without lifting my head, I told Shard to go to Pslyder, she was his woman, and right now, she should be with him.

She gave me an odd answer, “And who says I’m ready to go to him yet?”

I was not prepared for kindness from this woman, especially after all the things she’d said about exorcising me when she knew I resided within her man. Yet here she was, seeking to console me instead of going to Pslyder.

Vincent was talking again, and Pslyder’s voice was clearly angry, but the ominous pronouncement by Lord Momus rang in my ears, “not whole”, ‘not myself’, in essence, he was pronouncing me unfit to be with dragons. Pslyder had told me I would have difficulty attracting a mate because I would have the hint of human about me, and Lord Momus has sensed it and rejected me. Even if I can relearn how to take my old form, I was not accepted.

Pain shot through my soul.

Pslyder’s voice rippled across the isle, as a rock exploded, “sonuvadrekbleedinslitch!”

“Go to him, you’re his woman.” I needed Shard to go. I needed to be alone.

Vincent continued to harangue them, and I lifted my head and snarled at the man, “leave them alone.”

He turned on me, “ I suggest you stay out of this.”

Pslyder spoke up then, “Vince, Ah suggest thaht y’speak a li’l bit nicer t’mah family. Y’scan? Ah’ve been yer friend er quite some time, but yer walkin’ a damn thin line.”

Vincent almost said something, but thought better of it. “You’ve had a rough night, and we’re all a little stressed. Swing by the hotel for breakfast, all of you.”

Pslyder walked toward me, offering a shoulder for me to lean on, but I just looked up at him from the ground, pulling my wings tightly around me. “Go ahead, I’ll get back to the center.”

“D’ya”, he sighed, and switched, “Do you really want to go back there?” His expression was one I didn’t want to inspect too closely. Pity would have undone me, and that would be the final humiliation. “You’re family. Us freaks gotta take care of our own, y’know?”

Freaks. Yes, that certainly fit what we are. Part of me wanted to leap at his offer, and yet, three is a crowd, and Shard had hinted that things were not repaired between them yet. Having me there would be a complication that no one needed. But, the thought of going back to the Center send cold shivers down my spine. They were kind, but I was weary of their constant presence.

“No, I want to return where I belong, but that’s been denied to me.” I sighed and pulled at the wings, which remained drooping in the sand.

Psly looked at me, “fer, for the moment, my home is now your home. I have room. I have sheep.”

I looked up at him, “I still can’t eat those sheep properly.” The pain of not being able to change was deep, but I knew he’d understand.

Shard looked at me, as though understanding what was going through my mind, “I may be able to fix that, but this time, you won’t be able to listen in.” She laughed.

I could feel the blush. I’d been privy to things no outsider should be, and here she was making light of it.

Pslyder grinned, “I’ve a spare room downstairs, and stop dragging your wings. It’s unseemly.”

I was not going to admit that I simply could not lift them. The complete lack of energy had finally taken its toll, and I couldn’t have gotten to my feet if I’d had to save my own life. Pslyder felt it, we’re still connected it seems, his voice inside my thoughts, <draw from me, little one, you can do it.>

We left the Isle with Shard on one side, and Pslyder on my other side. I will avoid being a nuisance for long. But where will I go? Where does a dispossessed dragon live out her life?