Paladin Jim

[XanthVanBokkelen]

January 11, 2020





Xanth was marching up the beach of Twilight Isle a few days after the Finals of IFL 2019. Although pleased and satisfied by his team’s victory, part of him was glad that the hoopla was over and he could get back to his Tower and his research. Not long after passing the bar, he heard a voice behind him coming from the portal.

“Lord Xanth! Wait up!” It was Varseen and Vallen, the two goblins that “helped” with his research. “We got you a gift for winning the IFL Championship with King’s Gambit!”

Xanth turned around with a glare of his ruby gaze, wondering what mischief the two goblins had gotten into, but he was nicely surprised to find them handing him a black, leather bound volume with a magical sigil on the cover for Conjuring.

“We don’t know what the words say, but we found it in a magical shop for you”, Varseen said.

Xanth took the book in his black gloved hands and read aloud the title. Gersham the Third’s Magical Encyclopedia of Conjuration, 3rd revised version. Well fancy that, for once you two nimrods didn’t screw up. I might actually enjoy myself reading this . . .

The portal to the Isle suddenly flashed a blue light, and out strode a man outfitted in shiny steel armor. He was nearly 7 feet tall and his helmet, which had horns sticking out from either side, completely covered his face.

“WHAT HO! Where have these dark feats of the arcane brought me to? AHA! I have spotted you, you larcenous malefactors!” He pointed at Varseen, Vallen and Xanth. “I have caught you in the very act of delivering your ill-gotten gains to your master!” He made a clenched fist with his steel gauntlet. “NOW you will feel the sharp sting of RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE! I will unleash upon you the full fury of my holy vengeance if you do not return your stolen goods, you MALIGNANT CURS!” He finished by pointing his finger imperiously at the trio.

Who the hell is that and what the hell is he talking about? Xanth focused his ruby gaze dangerously at Varseen.

“Um . . . uh . . . Lord Xanth, we . . . I can explain.” Varseen stammered.

You little dip$@!% did you STEAL this book?

“Oh, do not feign ignorance! I can feel the EVIL flowing from you, you pernicious creature! Your damnable behavior shall be brought to a rough and fitting end! Justice shall be meted out MOST HARSHLY for this outrage! So says . . . PALADIN JIM!” The man finished by thrusting his fist in the air.

You turds brought a Paladin down on me? What the hell is wrong with you? Xanth growled at the two goblins.

“Enough talk! It is time for ACTION! Verily and forthwith I shall draw the "Majestic Blade of Holy Vengeance"! Brace yourself, O heinous villain!” Jim cried, drawing from behind his back a huge sword that looked like a large mass of iron.

Get lost, you moro . . . uh oh. Xanth stopped before loosing a verbal tirade on the Paladin. Although Jim’s words seemed clownish and ridiculous to him, the massive sword he now brandished had the opposite effect. The sword was pulsing with Holy energy, enough to make the Lich lift his arms defensively.

“I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH A RIGHTEOUS SMITING! STRIKE TRUE, MY BLADE, FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND JUST!” Jim lowered his shoulders and charged straight at Xanth, who was hurriedly backpedaling, while Varseen and Vallen ran off towards the Tower of Air. In his lust to strike Xanth, Jim barreled right into the wooden bar, causing it to explode into a shower of wooden splinters.

$@#%@$# I’LL MURDER THEM FOR THIS! GET! THAT! THING! AWAY! FROM! ME! Xanth had to spit out each individual word while dodging swipes of Jim’s massive blade.

“STAND STILL, O cowardly miscreant! Receive the honorable punishment that is due for your transgressions!”

Dammit, I’ve had enough of this! Putting enough distance between Jim and himself, Xanth lifted his hands and a brilliant array of red colored lights temporarily blinded Jim, causing him to step back and cover his eyes.

“What black arts have you assaulted me with, you diabolical scoundrel? Your feeble efforts are no match for the holy fury that boils within my heart, I shall . . . “ Suddenly Jim could see. As he looked around, Xanth was nowhere in sight. “SO! You have ran like the craven reprobate that you are! You cannot hide from my swift and divine retribution!” Jim poked his sword in the nearby bushes and searched around the shattered bar, but could find nothing but the magical tome that Varseen & Vallen had stolen. He grunted and placed the book in a sack, as if being too pure to handle the black volume for long.
“You may have escaped this day, O vile wretch! But be warned! Your evil cannot shelter you forever from . . . PALADIN JIM!” He shook his steel plated fist once, then stalked off to the portal to return the purloined object to its owner.

After a few moments, Xanth floated down gently from the air above where Jim had stood, glaring at him as he left with crossed arms. #@$%!$# Paladins. With a final grunt, he turned and stomped off to the Tower of Air.