Restless

[Patrick]

I didn’t wake with a start, but I could feel my heart pounding, a painful, sluggish beat like the tolling of a great bell throbbing in my chest. It continued to ring in my ears long after I counted to twelve.

I could also smell blood. My stomach twisted violently. The scent was so strong I could almost taste it; that coppery, metallic tang of bitterness coating my tongue, sharp and acidic. It made my mouth water in the way it often did before I vomited.

Somehow it had followed me from my dream into reality. Fear came in like the tide, a creeping, insidious infiltration of my limbs, turning them leaden and heavy so I couldn’t move. It spread out from the pit of my stomach, an oil spill tainting everything it touched. Unbidden, my mind called up images from the terrifying dream that had wrested me from the arms of sleep.

Another wave of nausea washed over me when I remembered I wasn’t alone. My disquiet and unease ramped up into overdrive, anxiety at the wheel of every scenario that blitzed through my conscious thoughts. All of them featured my girlfriend’s lifeless body, a revengeful demon lurking somewhere in the shadows, and all of it a consequence of my own actions.

Terror stole through me. Why could I still smell blood -- unless it was real? Long seconds ticked by as I worked myself into a frenzied crescendo of alarm, suffocating under the elephantine weight of panic which held me captive where I lay.

From the corner of the room, Red sneezed. A loud, wet, whuffing sound that carried. He was more mountain lion than he was dog, so its volume carried well, especially when the rest of the house was silent like it was now. I thought my heart would explode with fright.

In that instant, I felt the shackles of anxiety come apart. The oppressive mantle of fear sloughed away and I discovered I could breathe deeply again, reassured in the knowledge that my dog would not simply lie there if something was wrong.

Beside me, Penny’s slumbering form gave off the radiant heat of nearness. That alone sent a ripple of comfort through me. I could hear her soft breathing, feel the faint tug and pull of our shared blanket as her chest rose and fell with each breath. Feeling foolish, I rolled onto my side to face her.

Is it still creepy to watch someone sleep if you love them?

She was like something from a book: all feminine curves and warm skin washed in pale moonlight, soft and silken in her stillness. I’d the sudden urge to disturb her perfection, as though she was a slumbering feline in need of my immediate affection (when really it was the other way around--I needed her). I fought the urge to brush the hair from her face, messy wisps that had escaped the confines of a braid.

It left me absolutely gutted to recall the memory of Naomi hurting Penny, of me killing her. My hands still feel the ghost of the recoil of the gun. I’d do it a thousand times over if it meant saving someone I love, but it obviously came with consequences. Consequences I hadn’t exactly been prepared for, or knew how to define. I only knew that I’d damaged something inside me that was still hurting, even all these months later.

I needed a cigarette.

I had less success in resisting that particular urge, and so I quietly rolled the other way to get out of bed.

“Patrick?”

I froze. Penny’s voice was a siren’s call. She reached across the space I’d just vacated to where I sat on the edge of the bed, curling her fingers loosely over my hip. I very nearly laid back down, but my stomach still rolled uncomfortably in the wake of the unsettling dream.

“Shh,” I whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

Penny withdrew her hand, pulling it back across the mattress to curl against her body. “Is everything okay?” she asked drowsily.

“Yeah,” I lied, and stood up, stepping into a pair of discarded sweats. When I turned to look at her, she had her face pressed into her pillow. I was an idiot for not climbing back into bed with her.

My stomach told me I was an idiot for other reasons. Taking with me the cigarettes and lighter from the nightstand, and after telling Red to stay with Penny, I left the room without another word.