November 3rd
Rayvinn slipped out the side exit of the Iron Fist Gardens and made her way back around front after removing her high heeled ankle boots so she could stalk silently. Squinting just a bit, she caught sight of moonlight illuminating the white blonde hair of he whom she sought. There was something very off about that elf, she'd noticed tonight. Anger and heartbreak had clouded her judgement up until this point but now she could see it.
She had a mission: follow that bizarre blonde elf and figure out what was going on. If something was wrong with him, she had every intention of getting her girls out of that orphanage.
Shadow strode, thus far unsuspecting of pursuit, briskly from the entry gates of the large Iron Fist arena. He was not holding the ArCane, but instead one of his sheathed elfblades propped at a shoulder, and his mouth moved as if he were murmuring to himself, like some crazy old man. Elf, in this case.
"Rumpel, who is she? Why do I remember her face so well?" were the words he murmured in the moment Raye would have caught sight of him. He was not trying to be sneaky, his white-blond hair resplendent under the light of nearby streetlamps, but there was a sneakier shadow, four legged and tiger-sized, slipping through the darkness cast by buildings, some distance ahead of the elf. Rumpel had been waiting for Shadow outside the Gardens, as per the cat's normal wont to avoid crowds.
Difficult to see from a distance, but the flush of cheeks he'd left the Gardens with had cooled to a more normal, pale color, and the elf himself was losing some of that boiling point temperature.
She approached, no longer trying to avoid detection, having decided the best way to find out what was going on would be to simply talk to the elf. The thought of that caused a knot of anxiety to form in her belly but she ignored it and continued on with this plan.
Clearing her throat as long strides put her within easy hearing distance for an elf, Rayvinn waited for Shadow to turn towards her.
Though lost in his thoughts as he was, lost in the sensations of cooling, warming, then cooling again, he yet had elven ears and elven sight. Centuries as a ranger could not be erased simply due to emotional turmoil.
And the turmoil was far from over.
When he heard that voice, which he'd heard a few times now, since his change, it was as if he'd been struck by a lightning bolt, or frozen in place by some spear from above. His back straightened, and his grip on his sword tightened reflexively, instinctively, as he slowly, almost reluctantly, turned in place, eyes downcast.
The first thing those now ice-blues saw were her feet, bare of the heels she typically wore but recognizable just the same. Upward, his eyes slowly traveled, finally meeting her greens.
"I... Lady Rayvinn." Oh he remembered her name well enough, with her face so relatively close. In fact, he reeled with the onslaught of recent memory, his sword's scabbard point down on the ground as he used it as a crutch to keep from falling right over. His eyes snapped shut, and something which looked like crystals began to form under the dark-browed lids. When he opened them again, tiny teardrops (for that is what they were, frozen) began to litter the front of his embroidered coat.
Those jade hues narrowed suspiciously, brows furrowing as they did so. Lady Rayvinn? Watching silently at the shift in his posture, the leaning onto the scabbard for support, the eerie colored eyes shutting, her muscles tensed. As she noted the formations beneath his brows, ever distrustful of magic, and paranoid of everything in general, Rayvinn took one small step backwards as if thinking he would cast some spell on her. Or he was possessed by demons... or aliens... or something ten times worse. She knew there was worse out there.
"What the..." she trailed off as tiny pieces of ice, or crystal -- she wasn't sure which, fell to his chest. "What is the matter with you, you crazy elf?" True to her nature, she was still angry at his mistreatment of her heart but now she was also bewildered by something she could not easily explain or punch. This obviously made him the crazy one.
The final resting place of his eyes had been her face, and this time he did not look away or cast down his gaze, as he had in the Gardens and even just moments ago. The frozen, rigid cast to his posture slowly, very slowly relaxed, and what had begun as drops of ice began to melt and streak his cheeks, a light, slow sheen.
"I cannot recall..everything. Recent things. There was a battle at the Tower..." he trailed off, still dealing with this memory onslaught (some of it sexual, not all of it though - the memory of their fight against street thugs caused a brief, visible jolt - as he tried to bring his mind to the present, back to what he was seeing before him. It was as if a month's worth of Reverie dreams were returning to him in the span of seconds. He took a faltering step toward her, then again steadied himself with his sword.
When he neared he was cool, cool like the ambient night, like an Autumn evening's breeze. A few seconds found, however, that flush beginning to creep back to his pale cheeks.
Facing Heartbreak and Motherhood
Moderators: Talathian, Kenzi, Rayvinn
Facing Heartbreak and Motherhood
Last edited by Rayvinn on Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.--Friedrich Nietzsche
Further narrowing of those eyes, twin fires of hell ready to scorch him to his very soul. "What do you mean you cannot recall recent things?"
He stepped closer and she retreated a step, unwilling to allow him any intrusion into her personal space. The chill of his nearness did not go unnoticed nor did the disappearance of it. This was definitely a curious development.
Another step, still faltering and using that sword as a crutch, but when he realized she was retreating from him he paused his forward movement, and just stood there, concentrating what part of his mind he could on staying upright. The rest was under far more strain.
Heartbeats passed, during which the blood rushing through the wizardly elf was warming, until that aura about him was not cooler than the night air, and his face (cheeks and the tip of his nose) had gained the rosy hue that a 'normal' person would have on a chilly Fall night. "I fought a spirit at the Tower. It..crushed me. My Key restored me, but it did not restore everything." In effect he had died, but he did not use that terminology.
"But I have been remembering you," he whispered, finally, bringing a sleeve across his eyes to wipe away some of the damp. "I remember... everything, Rayvinn. Lady of the Winds. What have I done?" His eyes did lower after that final, rhetorical question.
She fought for control of her increasingly tumultuous emotions, feeling them roil within her like a typhoon; disastrous and devatstating. With every word he spoke, she felt herself being hurtled into that waiting chasm of misery, overwhelmed and engulfed with the tragedy of it all.
Shaking her head, whether in disbelief or to toss away the thoughts invading her mind, Rayvinn stepped back once more. "No. That's not...how...this..." she struggled to pull her disjointed thoughts together into a comprehensible sentence.
Taking a ragged breath to help steel her resolve, she shook her head once more, speaking so softly that even the elf before her would need to strain to hear. "You have broken my heart." Simple words, but words that held the power to reverse the happily-ever-after spell that the two elves had magically created between themselves once upon a time.
He took another step, expecting her to retreat, but this time he had an arm extended. He was seeking just one touch, just one grasp at her arm or hand, like some blind man seeking guidance. But he had come to learn that touch could restore memory more quickly than even close conversation. It may have been moot, for what he did remember was enough, was more than most did in the normal course of their lives. Remembering the battle, he remembered its aftermath.
Remembered severing their relationship.
The tears welled and threatened again, but he merely sniffed, wiped his eyes with a hand, and looked at her once more. "I was trying to protect you. I.. thought if I sent you away, your anger would burn away heartbreak. I thought my time had come and did not want you lingering overlong in memory of me." Words came out in a rush, for him, as thoughts just brewed by memory found their way to his voice.
As he grasped her arm, she lifted a hand and let it fly towards his face, only to stop the momentum as the last second and deny herself the desired impact with his cheek. Rayvinn was faced with the reasoning she had used once, long ago, and the words I was trying to protect you elicited a soft sob that became strangled within her throat. It took several moments before she could speak. "It was not your decision to make, Shadow. My memory of you is my own and I will linger in misery over the loss of you for as long as I wish." She had not used the past tense.
There was some part of her that felt compassion for his plight; a plight she had experience with but ultimately her own pain and bitterness overshadowed that softer, more vulnerable emotion. Being vulnerable was not something Rayvinn did with grace.
His grasp had not been meant to foil a strike, but he knew the gesture's intent. And truly, he would not have consciously blocked her hand. That brief touch was, for him, electric, sending another jolt through him that had him reeling back a few steps, down on one knee, the sword held scabbard-point down in front of his face like some chivalric knight's, with both white knuckled hands gripping it.
"You have reason to despise me. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, Rayvinn, and I will never stop. Ever. I cannot." His reply was perhaps oblique to her statement, but that was the memory which had him down on a knee: the intensity of his love for her. She was, had been, his shining star, a beacon in the night, and a reason for living. And he knew now, more than ever, how empty life would remain with her gone from him.
But it was not about him, and though his intentions had not been selfish, he had wounded her. For a healer and protector, it was a bitter pill to swallow. But he thought he knew of at least one solution. "The girls miss you, Rayvinn. I would like to reunite you with them." If he had to face losing this gorgeous, chaotic elfess before him, at least he could try to make a small difference here, try to end some of her pain.
He stepped closer and she retreated a step, unwilling to allow him any intrusion into her personal space. The chill of his nearness did not go unnoticed nor did the disappearance of it. This was definitely a curious development.
Another step, still faltering and using that sword as a crutch, but when he realized she was retreating from him he paused his forward movement, and just stood there, concentrating what part of his mind he could on staying upright. The rest was under far more strain.
Heartbeats passed, during which the blood rushing through the wizardly elf was warming, until that aura about him was not cooler than the night air, and his face (cheeks and the tip of his nose) had gained the rosy hue that a 'normal' person would have on a chilly Fall night. "I fought a spirit at the Tower. It..crushed me. My Key restored me, but it did not restore everything." In effect he had died, but he did not use that terminology.
"But I have been remembering you," he whispered, finally, bringing a sleeve across his eyes to wipe away some of the damp. "I remember... everything, Rayvinn. Lady of the Winds. What have I done?" His eyes did lower after that final, rhetorical question.
She fought for control of her increasingly tumultuous emotions, feeling them roil within her like a typhoon; disastrous and devatstating. With every word he spoke, she felt herself being hurtled into that waiting chasm of misery, overwhelmed and engulfed with the tragedy of it all.
Shaking her head, whether in disbelief or to toss away the thoughts invading her mind, Rayvinn stepped back once more. "No. That's not...how...this..." she struggled to pull her disjointed thoughts together into a comprehensible sentence.
Taking a ragged breath to help steel her resolve, she shook her head once more, speaking so softly that even the elf before her would need to strain to hear. "You have broken my heart." Simple words, but words that held the power to reverse the happily-ever-after spell that the two elves had magically created between themselves once upon a time.
He took another step, expecting her to retreat, but this time he had an arm extended. He was seeking just one touch, just one grasp at her arm or hand, like some blind man seeking guidance. But he had come to learn that touch could restore memory more quickly than even close conversation. It may have been moot, for what he did remember was enough, was more than most did in the normal course of their lives. Remembering the battle, he remembered its aftermath.
Remembered severing their relationship.
The tears welled and threatened again, but he merely sniffed, wiped his eyes with a hand, and looked at her once more. "I was trying to protect you. I.. thought if I sent you away, your anger would burn away heartbreak. I thought my time had come and did not want you lingering overlong in memory of me." Words came out in a rush, for him, as thoughts just brewed by memory found their way to his voice.
As he grasped her arm, she lifted a hand and let it fly towards his face, only to stop the momentum as the last second and deny herself the desired impact with his cheek. Rayvinn was faced with the reasoning she had used once, long ago, and the words I was trying to protect you elicited a soft sob that became strangled within her throat. It took several moments before she could speak. "It was not your decision to make, Shadow. My memory of you is my own and I will linger in misery over the loss of you for as long as I wish." She had not used the past tense.
There was some part of her that felt compassion for his plight; a plight she had experience with but ultimately her own pain and bitterness overshadowed that softer, more vulnerable emotion. Being vulnerable was not something Rayvinn did with grace.
His grasp had not been meant to foil a strike, but he knew the gesture's intent. And truly, he would not have consciously blocked her hand. That brief touch was, for him, electric, sending another jolt through him that had him reeling back a few steps, down on one knee, the sword held scabbard-point down in front of his face like some chivalric knight's, with both white knuckled hands gripping it.
"You have reason to despise me. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, Rayvinn, and I will never stop. Ever. I cannot." His reply was perhaps oblique to her statement, but that was the memory which had him down on a knee: the intensity of his love for her. She was, had been, his shining star, a beacon in the night, and a reason for living. And he knew now, more than ever, how empty life would remain with her gone from him.
But it was not about him, and though his intentions had not been selfish, he had wounded her. For a healer and protector, it was a bitter pill to swallow. But he thought he knew of at least one solution. "The girls miss you, Rayvinn. I would like to reunite you with them." If he had to face losing this gorgeous, chaotic elfess before him, at least he could try to make a small difference here, try to end some of her pain.
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.--Friedrich Nietzsche
Rayvinn had no idea what was transpiring within Shadow's mind, no idea why he was suddenly stumbling and down upon one knee. Instinct dictated that she assist him and she rushed forward to take him by the arm, not even thinking beforehand. When she had her hand upon him, the action became evident and she cast her gaze downwards, unable to meet his as she slowly stepped back once more. "S-sorry."
Her head bowed as she heard him, and it took all of her restraint not to voice her own feelings, but Rayvinn was hurting and with that came the stubborn unwillingness to expose herself even further. Mentally she knew this had not been intentional, she knew there had been no malice in making the decision; her heart wasn't so easy to persuade, however.
Her head snapped up suddenly as if someone had grabbed her by the hair and jerked it upwards. "My children..." the whisper was all of the pain of losing them with a glimmer of hope; dare she hope?
Her whisper hit him as hard as her hand's touch to him did. Another jolt of memory, electricity, his brain nearly overloading with the weight of all of it. But his hand did lift, almost unintentionally, to brush the backs of her departing fingers. Warm, his fingers, none of that earlier chill in evidence. Perhaps warmer than he should have been.
"No, Rayvinn. It is I who am sorry. But I do not know what words I could say to mend...this. Perhaps such words do not exist." Pushing himself slowly to his feet, he took a few deep breaths as he collected himself. "I will have Wilson make all the arrangements. Once paperwork is signed, you may adopt them all into your care."
Though he stood proudly, his face itself was riven with pain, regret, bitterness, all of those emotions that could not now be hidden by chilly detachment. He always had been a 'soft' one, perhaps too emotionally expressive when not under strict restraint.
"Your children, lov-- Raye. I know you will care for them as well or better than I could." Despite all the pain passing between the two elves, he could see to the heart of that simple truth. It was crushing him inside, for releasing them to her felt like a total separation, but it was the well being of the children and their rightful teacher that must win out.
A slow owl like blink was the only response, at first, to the news. Then she stared at him for a few long moments before trusting herself to speak. "Adopt them...into my care?" What did that even mean? Surely not what she thought it meant. Everyone knew she was crazy and a danger to those around her; a ticking timebomb most said. Was this some sort of sick prank to further agitate her and prove that she was what they all said she was? The elf's paranoia was high, as it had been for this past month, and she took a step back, speaking so softly it might be difficult to discern what she'd said. "That...that is not funny, Shadow. That is cruel, especially for you."
Her expression further desolved into a beautiful mess of angles and sorrow as her head dropped in defeat. Even she knew violence couldn't solve all problems, so abusing him would do nothing but reinfoce this opinion she had convinced herself that he had of her.
His blink matched hers, an unconscious imitation, perhaps, as most o his current memories were of her, of the woman standing before him, though the onslaught had slowed, and reason, the present, reality was returning. Speaking of such matters was helping, enough that he could see she did not understand - or believe - him.
"Rayvinn, I am entirely serious. You can disbelieve my love for you all you want, but do you truly believe I would jest about this? It will tear my heart out to see you and them go, but it is what you want, I think." He stopped, frowning down at the hands which rested at his swordhilt, composing himself with a few deep breaths. Then he looked back up at her. "What you need. I've been wrong before, but I think not about this."
"I...do not know how to care for children, Shadow." The admission was of defeat and regret, baring to him what she considered a lack of femininity. It was also an unintentional lie, as she had cared for orphans for most of her years prior to their slaughter. The loss of those children had scarred and broken the elf beyond repair and in doing so, she'd formed a wall around her heart and an inexplicable disgust and fear of children. Until she'd worked with these young ladies; so scarred and used with none to give voice to their turmoil when they'd lost theirs. She'd become that voice, and they'd begun to heal just as she had in that part of her soul that still blamed herself for the deaths of the innocent in her kingdom so many years prior. They were absolution and was their champion.
The truth remained however, that she did not, in all reality, have the slightest idea how to care for these girls. She could teach them all she knew in regards to survival but the motherly things?
"I...I will ruin them. They will be harmed." Her eyes were wide now, unrealistic fears coming to the surface, fueled by those memories that haunted her sleep. "I cannot take them. I cannot...be their mother."
Her head bowed as she heard him, and it took all of her restraint not to voice her own feelings, but Rayvinn was hurting and with that came the stubborn unwillingness to expose herself even further. Mentally she knew this had not been intentional, she knew there had been no malice in making the decision; her heart wasn't so easy to persuade, however.
Her head snapped up suddenly as if someone had grabbed her by the hair and jerked it upwards. "My children..." the whisper was all of the pain of losing them with a glimmer of hope; dare she hope?
Her whisper hit him as hard as her hand's touch to him did. Another jolt of memory, electricity, his brain nearly overloading with the weight of all of it. But his hand did lift, almost unintentionally, to brush the backs of her departing fingers. Warm, his fingers, none of that earlier chill in evidence. Perhaps warmer than he should have been.
"No, Rayvinn. It is I who am sorry. But I do not know what words I could say to mend...this. Perhaps such words do not exist." Pushing himself slowly to his feet, he took a few deep breaths as he collected himself. "I will have Wilson make all the arrangements. Once paperwork is signed, you may adopt them all into your care."
Though he stood proudly, his face itself was riven with pain, regret, bitterness, all of those emotions that could not now be hidden by chilly detachment. He always had been a 'soft' one, perhaps too emotionally expressive when not under strict restraint.
"Your children, lov-- Raye. I know you will care for them as well or better than I could." Despite all the pain passing between the two elves, he could see to the heart of that simple truth. It was crushing him inside, for releasing them to her felt like a total separation, but it was the well being of the children and their rightful teacher that must win out.
A slow owl like blink was the only response, at first, to the news. Then she stared at him for a few long moments before trusting herself to speak. "Adopt them...into my care?" What did that even mean? Surely not what she thought it meant. Everyone knew she was crazy and a danger to those around her; a ticking timebomb most said. Was this some sort of sick prank to further agitate her and prove that she was what they all said she was? The elf's paranoia was high, as it had been for this past month, and she took a step back, speaking so softly it might be difficult to discern what she'd said. "That...that is not funny, Shadow. That is cruel, especially for you."
Her expression further desolved into a beautiful mess of angles and sorrow as her head dropped in defeat. Even she knew violence couldn't solve all problems, so abusing him would do nothing but reinfoce this opinion she had convinced herself that he had of her.
His blink matched hers, an unconscious imitation, perhaps, as most o his current memories were of her, of the woman standing before him, though the onslaught had slowed, and reason, the present, reality was returning. Speaking of such matters was helping, enough that he could see she did not understand - or believe - him.
"Rayvinn, I am entirely serious. You can disbelieve my love for you all you want, but do you truly believe I would jest about this? It will tear my heart out to see you and them go, but it is what you want, I think." He stopped, frowning down at the hands which rested at his swordhilt, composing himself with a few deep breaths. Then he looked back up at her. "What you need. I've been wrong before, but I think not about this."
"I...do not know how to care for children, Shadow." The admission was of defeat and regret, baring to him what she considered a lack of femininity. It was also an unintentional lie, as she had cared for orphans for most of her years prior to their slaughter. The loss of those children had scarred and broken the elf beyond repair and in doing so, she'd formed a wall around her heart and an inexplicable disgust and fear of children. Until she'd worked with these young ladies; so scarred and used with none to give voice to their turmoil when they'd lost theirs. She'd become that voice, and they'd begun to heal just as she had in that part of her soul that still blamed herself for the deaths of the innocent in her kingdom so many years prior. They were absolution and was their champion.
The truth remained however, that she did not, in all reality, have the slightest idea how to care for these girls. She could teach them all she knew in regards to survival but the motherly things?
"I...I will ruin them. They will be harmed." Her eyes were wide now, unrealistic fears coming to the surface, fueled by those memories that haunted her sleep. "I cannot take them. I cannot...be their mother."
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.--Friedrich Nietzsche
As her fears rose, his resolve firmed, and he shook his head. His face took on a slightly icier cast, his blue eyes glistening, and a few degrees of ambient temperature between them were lost; for Shadow was steeling his emotions, steeling himself for what he knew he must do, at whatever cost. It had already cost so much.
"Then you will learn even as you teach. Rayvinn, they miss you. They ask after you. I do not know what to tell them. But w-- they need you." The 'we' had almost come out completely before he could halt that slip. His own needs could not be part of this. "I know in my heart you can do this. Please, Rayvinn."
The tears he'd been able to school threatened, and froze to harder ice in his eyes ere they could flow, by his force of will. He would be strong, now.
"I...I cannot be their mother, Shadow." She repeated herself and shook her head vehemently. "Where would I keep them? I don't have a proper home big enough for them." Yet the idea was quickly growing on her. She wanted the girls, she wanted to continue teaching them and to make a difference in their young lives. When teaching them she felt she had a purpose.
"I don't know what to say, Shadow. I want to be with them but I cannot take care of them on my own." He was offering her what she wanted more than anything and she was turning it down? This didn't sound like Rayvinn the Victorious at all. No, this sounded like a far less selfish and definitely more mature woman. But it broke her heart.
"Then what shall we do? I can reattune you to the wards on the orphanage...and my manor. They have shelter and food there. But they need you. Only you can truly understand them, only you can truly connect with them. I have been but a caretaker, a steward. They belong under your teaching. Is there nothing we can do? Can you not even see them?"
He knew his tone had become more plaintive, almost a plea, but there was no doubt or waver in his voice. His back was solider straight. "Rayvinn, please. there must be some way." Some way to tell her he was breaking inside without her was the unspoken meaning. Purposefully unspoken.
Rayvinn chewed at her lower lip and tilted her head. "You would let them continue to stay in the orphanage or your manor but they would still be adopted by me?" She wanted to be absolutely certain he wouldn't take them away from her again. She had understood his explanation for why it had occurred the first time but she wanted to safeguard against anything similar should he be attacked again.
Rayvinn stood straighter, employing a very similar attitude as she had when negotiating for the Arena. "I would need this in a legally binding contract. I will provide the funds to care for all of their needs including their room and board and wages for staff that cares for only them. I trust that you will be able to find three nannies for them far more suitable than any I could find. They will not be wards of your orphanage, I will have access to them at any time and they will come to the Arena for their training. You are permitted to accompany them. I will pay you a caretaker's salary since you are arranging all of this."
The in charge attitude seemed to falter a bit as she looked at him. It hurt her to reduce their relationship to one of business but for the time being this was the best that could be hoped for. "Are you in agreement with these terms? Do you have anything you wish to add?"
He paused, because with the return of memory, of his emotions about her, hearing her businesslike tone was worse than any knife cut or blow she might have inflicted. It was all he could do not to choke up, though it took him a few swallows to fight down the lump in his throat.
"Most of that is fine. But there will be no money exchanged between us. They already have the caretakers in place dedicated to their...needs, and the orphanage has them financed as we have all our charges financed. They can reside full time at the manor, while I retain it. And I do not wish your money to be paid to me...but the orphanage is always taking donations." He smiled so faintly and briefly it was easy to miss, and stood as resolutely as he could, though he was shaking inside. And not from cold.
"There is already adoption paperwork we can use, and this is as legally binding as any contract in this relatively lawless city. But I give you my personal word that I will adhere to the spirit and letter of our agreement."
Now chewing at the inside of her cheek, Rayvinn nodded. "I do not doubt your word, Shadow, but if you should become possessed by some other magical being again..." a frown marred the perfection of her features momentarily. "Well, I do not want to lose my hea-- my children again." She'd almost slipped but managed to catch herself and keep the topic on the children.
"I will donate to the orphanage, certainly. I do, however, insist on the girls having their own nannies. The orphanage staff will have six less children to look after and that is beneficial to all. Especially if they will be living in your manor. Will it be fine to allow the girls to decorate their rooms as they wish? I will take them shopping for furnishings and come paint whatever they wish upon their walls." Despite her attempt at remaining cool, the excitement in her voice was evident. She hadn't painted in so long and to use her talent to give these girls happiness really lifted her spirits.
"Thank you, Shadow, I'm not sure if you understand what this means to me." Her voice had softened and she began to reach out to touch his hand but drew back quickly. It was too soon, her heart was still too raw.
"Then you will learn even as you teach. Rayvinn, they miss you. They ask after you. I do not know what to tell them. But w-- they need you." The 'we' had almost come out completely before he could halt that slip. His own needs could not be part of this. "I know in my heart you can do this. Please, Rayvinn."
The tears he'd been able to school threatened, and froze to harder ice in his eyes ere they could flow, by his force of will. He would be strong, now.
"I...I cannot be their mother, Shadow." She repeated herself and shook her head vehemently. "Where would I keep them? I don't have a proper home big enough for them." Yet the idea was quickly growing on her. She wanted the girls, she wanted to continue teaching them and to make a difference in their young lives. When teaching them she felt she had a purpose.
"I don't know what to say, Shadow. I want to be with them but I cannot take care of them on my own." He was offering her what she wanted more than anything and she was turning it down? This didn't sound like Rayvinn the Victorious at all. No, this sounded like a far less selfish and definitely more mature woman. But it broke her heart.
"Then what shall we do? I can reattune you to the wards on the orphanage...and my manor. They have shelter and food there. But they need you. Only you can truly understand them, only you can truly connect with them. I have been but a caretaker, a steward. They belong under your teaching. Is there nothing we can do? Can you not even see them?"
He knew his tone had become more plaintive, almost a plea, but there was no doubt or waver in his voice. His back was solider straight. "Rayvinn, please. there must be some way." Some way to tell her he was breaking inside without her was the unspoken meaning. Purposefully unspoken.
Rayvinn chewed at her lower lip and tilted her head. "You would let them continue to stay in the orphanage or your manor but they would still be adopted by me?" She wanted to be absolutely certain he wouldn't take them away from her again. She had understood his explanation for why it had occurred the first time but she wanted to safeguard against anything similar should he be attacked again.
Rayvinn stood straighter, employing a very similar attitude as she had when negotiating for the Arena. "I would need this in a legally binding contract. I will provide the funds to care for all of their needs including their room and board and wages for staff that cares for only them. I trust that you will be able to find three nannies for them far more suitable than any I could find. They will not be wards of your orphanage, I will have access to them at any time and they will come to the Arena for their training. You are permitted to accompany them. I will pay you a caretaker's salary since you are arranging all of this."
The in charge attitude seemed to falter a bit as she looked at him. It hurt her to reduce their relationship to one of business but for the time being this was the best that could be hoped for. "Are you in agreement with these terms? Do you have anything you wish to add?"
He paused, because with the return of memory, of his emotions about her, hearing her businesslike tone was worse than any knife cut or blow she might have inflicted. It was all he could do not to choke up, though it took him a few swallows to fight down the lump in his throat.
"Most of that is fine. But there will be no money exchanged between us. They already have the caretakers in place dedicated to their...needs, and the orphanage has them financed as we have all our charges financed. They can reside full time at the manor, while I retain it. And I do not wish your money to be paid to me...but the orphanage is always taking donations." He smiled so faintly and briefly it was easy to miss, and stood as resolutely as he could, though he was shaking inside. And not from cold.
"There is already adoption paperwork we can use, and this is as legally binding as any contract in this relatively lawless city. But I give you my personal word that I will adhere to the spirit and letter of our agreement."
Now chewing at the inside of her cheek, Rayvinn nodded. "I do not doubt your word, Shadow, but if you should become possessed by some other magical being again..." a frown marred the perfection of her features momentarily. "Well, I do not want to lose my hea-- my children again." She'd almost slipped but managed to catch herself and keep the topic on the children.
"I will donate to the orphanage, certainly. I do, however, insist on the girls having their own nannies. The orphanage staff will have six less children to look after and that is beneficial to all. Especially if they will be living in your manor. Will it be fine to allow the girls to decorate their rooms as they wish? I will take them shopping for furnishings and come paint whatever they wish upon their walls." Despite her attempt at remaining cool, the excitement in her voice was evident. She hadn't painted in so long and to use her talent to give these girls happiness really lifted her spirits.
"Thank you, Shadow, I'm not sure if you understand what this means to me." Her voice had softened and she began to reach out to touch his hand but drew back quickly. It was too soon, her heart was still too raw.
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.--Friedrich Nietzsche
His eyes flickered down to her hand, but he did not raise his to grasp, though he wanted to. The full force of their agreement was hitting him just on the heels of the force of reality, and it was a difficult thing to swallow all at once. But he had, deep within, an abiding sense that this was the right course.
"What happened to me was not possession... but it could happen to anyone, at any time. Lightning seldom strikes twice." As he spoke those words he was staring down, at her feet, the effort on his face obvious in working to remember details clearly. The closer the memory, the more it had been burned and singed by that final psychic attack of the ice spirit's.
Then he lifted his eyes, slowly, to hers, a quavering smile on his lips, hard as it was to force it there. For their was happiness within him, to see her excited for something, for anything. To see her engaged in the world. That happiness would have to see him through the emptiness he also felt, lurking like an ignored, fitfully sleeping menace in the depths of his heart. "You will have all the paperwork you need or wish, of course. Merely relay the details to Wilson and he will see it done, first thing tomorrow." Another pause, and he opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it once more to say, "You are welcome, Lady Rayvinn."
With formality had come a cooling, and the air within a foot or two of the elf grew sharp enough to see ones' breath within.
For as much as he'd hurt her, Rayvinn couldn't deny that she loved Shadow though she'd wished she could turn the emotion off like the flipping of a switch. Seeing the evident pain upon his face wrenched at her heart and her own gaze was cast downward. "I will contact Wilson in the morning then, yes." Nodding lightly.
Feeling the air grow colder, Rayvinn rubbed her hands over herfolded bare arms that were lightly wrapped around her middle. There was no doubt where that sudden chill came from and Rayvinn cast a concerned glance towards the frigid elf. "Are you alright, Shadow?"
"I'm cold, Raye. I've been cold without you. The seasons are affecting me like never before, but the loss of you... is too much." He shook his head, wiping icy tears from his face, and stepped back from her. "I'm sorry. All will be well with the girls." Another few steps back, though he couldn't quite manage to turn from her. Rumpel was nowhere in evidence, having left the two elves to their conversation; Shadow's mind searched for the cat's like a drowning man might seek flotsam.
"Thank you for agreeing to teach them again. They will be so happy." The thought of their happiness made him smile. He'd have to experience the emotion vicariously, as he was able.
Despite the anger she'd felt towards Shadow for this past month, despite the heartache, there was compassion in her eyes as she gazed up at him. "I know how that feels." She'd felt the same since that day in his study.
She gave him his space as he stepped back and nodded lightly as he spoke. "Thank you for giving us this opportunity, I am sure I can speak for them in saying we are all grateful. There is no need for thanks."
She stood there watching him for a long moment before casting her gaze downward. A couple of slow steps increased the distance between the two as she softly spoke. "So, I suppose I should go. Big day tomorrow with the girls. I will be by to speak with Wilson and then take them for an outing."
"Be well, Lady Rayvinn," he whispered his reply. He had no other words to add, for none would come to him, none could force their way past the tight lump lingering in his throat. And while not a prideful elf, he had enough not to wish to break down again in her presence.
With a last, lingering look and a dip of his head, he turned and began merging with the shadows between the flickering streetlamps. Somewhere in the distance, Rumpel's four-legged shadow pooled alongside the elf, and the two were gone from sight around the corner of a building.
"What happened to me was not possession... but it could happen to anyone, at any time. Lightning seldom strikes twice." As he spoke those words he was staring down, at her feet, the effort on his face obvious in working to remember details clearly. The closer the memory, the more it had been burned and singed by that final psychic attack of the ice spirit's.
Then he lifted his eyes, slowly, to hers, a quavering smile on his lips, hard as it was to force it there. For their was happiness within him, to see her excited for something, for anything. To see her engaged in the world. That happiness would have to see him through the emptiness he also felt, lurking like an ignored, fitfully sleeping menace in the depths of his heart. "You will have all the paperwork you need or wish, of course. Merely relay the details to Wilson and he will see it done, first thing tomorrow." Another pause, and he opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it once more to say, "You are welcome, Lady Rayvinn."
With formality had come a cooling, and the air within a foot or two of the elf grew sharp enough to see ones' breath within.
For as much as he'd hurt her, Rayvinn couldn't deny that she loved Shadow though she'd wished she could turn the emotion off like the flipping of a switch. Seeing the evident pain upon his face wrenched at her heart and her own gaze was cast downward. "I will contact Wilson in the morning then, yes." Nodding lightly.
Feeling the air grow colder, Rayvinn rubbed her hands over herfolded bare arms that were lightly wrapped around her middle. There was no doubt where that sudden chill came from and Rayvinn cast a concerned glance towards the frigid elf. "Are you alright, Shadow?"
"I'm cold, Raye. I've been cold without you. The seasons are affecting me like never before, but the loss of you... is too much." He shook his head, wiping icy tears from his face, and stepped back from her. "I'm sorry. All will be well with the girls." Another few steps back, though he couldn't quite manage to turn from her. Rumpel was nowhere in evidence, having left the two elves to their conversation; Shadow's mind searched for the cat's like a drowning man might seek flotsam.
"Thank you for agreeing to teach them again. They will be so happy." The thought of their happiness made him smile. He'd have to experience the emotion vicariously, as he was able.
Despite the anger she'd felt towards Shadow for this past month, despite the heartache, there was compassion in her eyes as she gazed up at him. "I know how that feels." She'd felt the same since that day in his study.
She gave him his space as he stepped back and nodded lightly as he spoke. "Thank you for giving us this opportunity, I am sure I can speak for them in saying we are all grateful. There is no need for thanks."
She stood there watching him for a long moment before casting her gaze downward. A couple of slow steps increased the distance between the two as she softly spoke. "So, I suppose I should go. Big day tomorrow with the girls. I will be by to speak with Wilson and then take them for an outing."
"Be well, Lady Rayvinn," he whispered his reply. He had no other words to add, for none would come to him, none could force their way past the tight lump lingering in his throat. And while not a prideful elf, he had enough not to wish to break down again in her presence.
With a last, lingering look and a dip of his head, he turned and began merging with the shadows between the flickering streetlamps. Somewhere in the distance, Rumpel's four-legged shadow pooled alongside the elf, and the two were gone from sight around the corner of a building.
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.--Friedrich Nietzsche
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