RhyDin Rewind

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Post by Harris » Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:49 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 353, 29 NOV 2013]

Loverboy's "Working For The Weekend" plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: So I'm being told 'just wing it', like that's really going to help me right now. There's nothing going on in RhyDin. Zip, zero, squat. Thanksgiving happened and we can talk about all the try hards who went out of their way to help the homeless. Well, guess what. I didn't. It's summer in Adenna so I spent all my time at the beach while the rest of you suffered a cold, wet, and hopefully rainy day. This is me winging it. What else is going on? Did someone get knocked up yet? And by someone, I mean someone relevant and not Rhydin bar-slut number twenty five at the Red Dragon Inn. Also my seat is a little uncomfortable. I thought you said we were getting new seats for Christmas.

Harris: I said wing it, not ramble incoherently. It's not my fault YOUR dog ate the segment notes. Don't worry RhyDin, I'm gonna have to suffer through this just like the rest of you. I guess we could throw a shout out to the Grateful Tree that sprung up over the holiday while waiting for Freckles to fax us the segment notes... Wait. She's FAXING us the segment notes? Do we even have a fax machine? What year is this? Did her pager go off to alert her to this problem too?

Seirichi: What the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is a fax machine? And why--.. NIMA, I CAN SEE YOU. Go back to watching Michi!

Harris: Nima's a much better babysitter to look at than Nayun. I was worried we wouldn't find anyone after she died.

Seirichi: She's not a babysitter... she's visiting, and will be leaving tomorrow so I don't have to look at her anymore. Don't stick your tongue out at me.

Harris: That's what babysitters do. They visit, watch children, then leave. That's exactly what Nima's doing.

Seirichi: I will not allow her to be a babysitter. She's just the annoying aunt. Look, this has nothing to do with the show. Why are we even talking about it? Let's talk about something else. Like... Christmas. What are you getting me?

Harris: Same thing you got last year. I'll have a yule log for you to unwrap.

Seirichi: I don't like being gifted things I've returned the year before. Nima. Stop making Michi dance. Okay, it's cute, but not when you do it.

Harris: Did the fax from Freckles come in yet? This segment is terrible. All we're doing is watching Nima play with THE GLORIOUS MICHI. You should be here to see how cute it is, RhyDin.

Seirichi: She's corrupting our child. Look at her, Nima - did you make sure to wash your hands before handling your future Queen? Don't give me that look. Harris, you should do something.

Harris: I am. I'm watching. And it looks like that fax came in. Maybe we can still salvage this segment. Paper rustles. It looks like we're supposed to... interview Swagins? This had to have been one of your segment ideas, Seirichi. We're not interviewing your dog.

Seirichi: I don't think we can interview him. I mean, he's busy playing with some Dagger Sasc [EXPLETIVE DELETED], the doggy kind.

Harris: So, basically this segment was doomed from the start, no matter what we did. Great. Fantastic. Time to pretend I don't care about ratings. Which is actually pretty easy to do with Nima in my field of vision. Ah, screw it. I'm cutting my losses. I'm gonna go play with my daughter. Hey Nima, teach me that thing you're showing THE GLORIOUS MICHI!

Seirichi: The only thing she's going to teach you is the way to the free clinic. Whatever, anyway. We're going to commerical RhyDin. You know none of you have any lives anyway, so I don't need to tell you to stick around, because it's obvious you will.

Harris: Come to Daddy! Pause. No, I wasn't talking to Michi, Nima.

The segment ends with a commercial for the Main Street Haberdashery.
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Post by Harris » Mon Dec 09, 2013 12:24 am

[A thirty second bump airs on the radio.]

Harris: Freckles. You know what's shiny?

Freckles: What?

Harris: Opals!

Freckles: Well, yeah. But so what?

Harris: So what? Haven't you heard? Bane's holding a tournament to give away an Opal challenge grant! You don't even have to be good to enter! And since he's on Top Flight and I'm the captain it's only natural that I take some credit for the holiday cheer he's out spreading.

Freckles: ...but you didn't do anything.

Harris: Didn't I, though?

Freckles: No.

Harris: DIDN'T I?

Freckles: No.

Harris: Sigh. Just fire yourself this time, Freckles. I'm getting tired of having to do it.

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Post by Harris » Mon Dec 16, 2013 12:43 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 363, 13 DEC 2013]

Pink Floyd's "Money" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Money money, yeah yeah. We're back RhyDin, with a special treat for you this holiday season as only the RhyDin Rewind can bring!

Seirichi: Huh? I wasn't paying attention. I'm too busy looking at my 2013 calender, which is still on sale.

Harris: That calendar is now officially old and busted. The new hotness? Just in time for the IFL playoffs, the team of Top Flight has put together a Christmas album with everyone's favorite tunes!

Seirichi: No, it's still good for a few more weeks! And it will never be old and busted. It will be good, forever. All you have to do is - maybe - switch around a few dates.

Harris: But we're not talking about that anymore. Instead we're talking about Melanie's wonderful singing voice on track one's "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells". She's the next Etta James. Or, uhh, I dunno. Someone popular the kids like today. What's her face? Jeremy Bieber?

Seirichi: Don't talk [EXPLETIVE DELETED] about The Bieb!

Harris: I won't. I'll just mention how great Cor is singing "Donde Esta Santa Claus." Mostly because he sounds a lot like a little Hispanic boy. Who knew?

Seirichi: I don't even know what that means. Maybe I should listen to this like you keep telling me. FRECKLES! COME OVER HERE!

Harris: You rarely know what's going on. Like when you were recording "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer". You couldn't remember the lyrics when they were right in front of you. Next year we'll get Nima to do the singing.

Seirichi: That's what this was for? I thought we were just [EXPLETIVE DELETED] around. Wait, no. NO! Nima is NOT allowed!

Harris: She's got better pipes, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

Seirichi: Yeah and no gag reflex.

Harris: I don't wanna give away the whole track listing, but it's worth noting that every member of Top Flight has a song on the album, then we all got together for an original number, "The Seven Days of Kwanzaa". Not only are we spreading cheer, but we're informing the masses of inferior Yule time celebrations! Kwanzaabot would be proud. And all for the low low low low price of $14.99! But wait, there's more! Tell them what else there is, Seirichi!

Seirichi: I'm trying to find my notes... Papers shuffle. Freckles, where'd you-- under my hot cocoa? I can't read that! Look, there's a ring on it! Also, shouldn't it be two payments of $14.99?

Harris: What are we, Rent-A-Center? Listen, RhyDin. Buy the album before December 24th and you get a $10 gift certificate to The Fruit Cake Repository! What a sale! What a deal! What a Christmas! Money money, yeah yeah.

Seirichi: Did you also mention... Coffee mug clatters to the floor. FRECKLES! CLEAN THAT UP! Anyway! You forgot to mention the fold out poster that it comes with! Or how it MAY be a pinup or both me and Melanie in erotic poses?

Harris: That's a lot of stuff for the low low price of $14.99. I know what you're thinking out there in RhyDin Land. Why are we constantly using our show to try and sell you merchandise?

Seirichi: Money?

Harris: Well, yeah. But also because it's our show and we can do what we want. Tell them to deal with it, Seirichi.


Harris: And now you also have to deal with commercials. Hit the button, woman!

Seirichi: Which one? PIANO CRASH sound effect.

The segment ends with a commercial for Wishy Washy Full Service Laundromat & Dry Cleaners.
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Post by Harris » Sun Dec 22, 2013 10:51 pm

[A thirty second bump airs on the radio.]

Harris: Freckles! I have good news, and I have bad news. Which do you want first?

Freckles: Sigh. Bad news, I guess.

Harris: The bad news is that Seirichi is your secret santa this year at the office. And she felt giving you the gift of employment was enough. Which brings us to the good news! I decided to pick up her slack and actually get you something. Look in the bag under your desk.

Freckles: Rummaging. ...there's nothing in here but... feminine products!

Harris: It's for when you get that not so fresh feeling that can't be cured by licking yourself like I'm assuming all you furries do. Happy belated Hanukkah!

Freckles: Grumbles.

RhyDin Rewind! Weekday mornings from 8-10 AM! Only on the KLIT!
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Post by Harris » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:10 pm

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 378, 3 JAN 2014]

U2's "New Year's Day" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: According to the Institute of Percentage Based Studies, 75 percent of people abandon their New Year's resolutions within the first week. It's day 3 of 2014, which means you people have 4 more days to go to the gym before you give up because it's too hard.

Seirichi: Don't go to my gym. One thing I hate seeing is the rush of fatty-mc-fat-fat new year babies who hog up all the treadmils or think zoomba or whatever that crap is called will really help them lose weight.

Harris: Thankfully, your friends here at the RhyDin Rewind fall into that other 25 percent of people that get [EXPLETIVE DELETED] done. And we've got our own resolutions for the new year. Isn't that right Seirichi?

Seirichi: That's right! Freckles' resolution is to stop licking herself for the year. She's such a good puppy. What, why are you giving me that look?

Harris: Who's she going to lick instead? Nevermind, forget I asked. Nobody cares about Freckles or her resolutions. Listen, I understand if you're too scared to make any resolutions this year because you know you won't follow through like the rest of the rabble. We can just talk about my resolutions.

Seirichi: Hey. I have a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] resolution. But I don't feel I should be the one going first. Best kept for last, you know how these things are.

Harris: It's probably something lame. Like eat more cake. Hey, remember those nine months you were fat? That should be your resolution this year. Don't get fat again.

Seirichi: What? I can't hear you over the fact that I was NEVER FAT.

Harris: At least try to get it to settle in the right places. But anyway, that brings me to my first resolution. Which is don't let Seirichi get fat again, since she refuses to even acknowledge it happened.


Harris: Uh huh. Resolution #2. Hug Michi and Kellie at least once every day. And Stefan. And Nima.

Seirichi: Michi and Kellie are allowed. Nima is not.

Harris: Nima's family. Do you want me to neglect family? That's a pretty poor resolution.

Seirichi: Nima's the slut of the family. Like she needs anymore people touching and spreading her STD's. Maybe instead your resolution should be to TALK LESS ABOUT NIMA ON OUR SHOW.

Harris: But... she's so perfect. If I had met her first we probably wouldn't even be together. Just saying.

Seirichi: If you had met her first you'd still be in the hospital recovering from your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] exploding.

Harris: Does it help that I made my last resolution all about you? Because resolution #3 is... procure as much swag as possible for Seirichi. That's you. You're Seirichi. Swag is still in for this year, right?

Seirichi: Buy me lots of stuff or get enough bling to make you worth my time again? Both sound good for me, so I'll allow it. You should go win me another Opal.

Harris: I'm pretty sure you should still be capable of winning your own Opals in the Outback. I mean... unless you've lost a step and that's why you reneged on your challenge to Vanion.

Seirichi: I only challenged because I was bored. Then I had to wait and I got even MORE BORED. Plus, I'm lazy and have to raise your child and our future Overlord and twenty time Diamond.

Harris: I don't think lazy is a good example for Michi. Tsks. You better have some stellar resolutions. I'm waiting. So is RhyDin.

Seirichi: Fine. You want me to say it? I have only one resolution. Steal Koy from Matt.

Harris: You do realize that taking Koy from Matt comes with the baggage of all those extra kids too, right? Do you want twelve more kids to take care of?

Seirichi: I like children. That's what we have maids for. We ship a few of them to Nayun, keep a few of them in Adenna. Everything will be fine. It's worth it, you even have to admit that. Koy is a diamond. The diamond of my heart.

Harris: Just make sure you have a plan to keep me from drowning in rugrats. I like kids too. In moderation. Once Matt runs for Governor and loses again this year Koy will be vulnerable. That'll be the best time to strike.

Seirichi: Then I'll be able to rub her legs all night long!

Harris: If that's all you want to do then you don't deserve her. Well, there you have it RhyDin. Seirichi's one completely selfish resolution. You'll note that I focused on everyone, including the little ones. While Seirichi focused on herself because she's terrible. What's even worse is that she probably won't even follow through with the one resolution she has.

Seirichi: Hey. New Year's resolutions are meant to be broken. I might change my focus to someone else... Like Peaches, she's hot.

Harris: Well, as long as you don't get fat again I suppose it's okay. We'll be back after this short break!

Seirichi: I WAS NEVER FAT!

The segment ends with a commercial for Shivan Dragon Taxi Services.
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Post by Harris » Wed Feb 19, 2014 12:09 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 410, 18 FEB 2014]

Aerosmith's "Dude (Looks Like A Lady)" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: RhyDin has too many he-shes. There, I said it. I know everyone out there is thinking it. I just happen to have the courage to say it. And, well, the proper forum to voice the truth. TOO MANY HE-SHES.

Seirichi: CHIRPING CRICKETS sound effect. I can't even think of one. What are you basing this off of?

Harris: I'm basing this off the fact that they're worse than even elves. They trick you into compromising situations and then foist themselves upon you while you're bewildered and defenseless. In the words of the immortal Admiral Ackbar... IT'S A TRAP!

Seirichi: Wait, wait, wait. We're changing our hate ranking system already? This is going too fast. Elves are *ALWAYS* the worst thing. When something awful is on television I can always say "Well, at least there's no elves involved" and it makes things ten times better. You can't screw with how the world works, Harris! Pause. HOLD IT! Are you trying to tell me something without really trying to tell me something?!

Harris: What I'm trying to say is, PICK A GENDER PEOPLE. It's not that hard. Pick one, stick with it, and make sure everybody knows what it is. None of this in between stuff. GO BIG OR GO HOME. Otherwise when I run for Governor this year I'm gonna make everyone wear scarlet letters like in that one book, Moby Dick. SO I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT GENDER YOU ARE. I will not be tricked again!

Seirichi: Not be tricked again... Wait... Silence, then laughter. OH... OH MY SIDES... I CAN'T CONTROL IT.

Harris: Hey, hey, hey. This is a serious topic. I am standing proud on my soapbox against he-she tomfoolery. I'm not saying it's *wrong* to be a he-she. I'm just saying... You gotta tell people about that [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! Cute girls should be cute girls. I shouldn't find out otherwise when they sidle up next to me at the urinal. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? Guess what, Chae family? You're on notice! The whole lot of you!

Seirichi: I think I'm going to pee my pants! Laughter continues. Oh [EXPLETIVE DELETED]... Harris, if it helps, I think you'd make a pretty girl. We should buy you a dress since it sounds like you've been exploring yourself.

Harris: Har har har. Well, you know what? I've got her number now, so we'll see who's gonna be wearing a dress and taking who out to dinner! Ha!

Seirichi: So this he-she is a she now and you're going to take, and I airquote, `her` out to dinner. You're sure showing them, Harris. You're sure showing them. My little bi-curious Harris can't be this cute. When you need help painting your nails, tell me. Nima will be excited to learn all about this.

Harris: Oh, I'm sorry my popularity continues to expand on a daily basis, unlike some people whose popularity still hasn't recovered since their being fat episode.

Seirichi: I WAS NEVER FAT!

Harris: And dinner is just... research. So I can better learn to tell the shes from the he-shes. Yeah.

Seirichi: Hey, if you want to be an icon for the LGBT community now - have at it. So, Harris. How big IS she? Since this is all about science and research. I think we should bring HER on the show and ask her to do tricks. I can't blame anyone for wanting to try and be a woman. We're the best gender after all.

Harris: My glorious victory in the last InterGender War proves otherwise. And my research is private. And probably too complex for you to comprehend. However, I do wanna go to break so we can make out. This segment got me all riled up.

Seirichi: Make out? I don't know. Maybe I should go get a roll of coins to stuff in my pants so you feel more comfortable. Unless you want something more life-like... Hold on, I'll go ring up Nima. Headset removed.

Harris: Hey, I'm down for anything that involves Nima! We'll be right back after this extended break. Don't go anywhere!

The segment ends with a commercial for Drunken Monkey Acupuncture.
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Post by Harris » Wed Feb 26, 2014 3:49 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 416, 26 FEB 2014]

Yung Joc's "Do Ya Bad" plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: Breaking news in the Duel of Swords! Vanion kicks the bucket! Challenger Vinny screwed out of an Overlord shot! Barons get selfish and force a tournament before he can take action! He's invited, so I guess that makes it okay? More important news! I got my nails done and they look fab-u-lous. I might punch someone to celebrate.

Harris: Oh no. Now Vinny has to wait an extra week or two before shooting for his Triple Crown. THE HORROR. I hope Apple wins the Baronial Tournament, personally. She's the best Baron of Seaside.

Seirichi: Hey. No one has time to wait a week for anything. I can't wait a week for dragonmeat dinner, so why should Vinny have to wait for anything? Waiting is for losers. Also, isn't G'nort Baron of Seaside? Someone is whispering in my earpiece... Claire is Baron of Seaside? When the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] did that happen? I didn't even know she was a Baron. Isn't she a Commoner or ArchMage or whatever? Well being a Commoner and ArchMage are practically the same thing. Wait. What are we talking about again?

Harris: Claire's got ShadoWeaver. Get your facts straight, Seirichi. Pause. Okay, Freckles is saying she lost that. And that she beat back Bile to keep her Barony just recently. Bile? Like, that stuff in your throat? Has that come to life and started dueling now, along with plants? What the hell is going on in the Arena?

Seirichi: I have no idea. There's a reason we only duel in the greatest sport ever. Which is Duel of Fists, obviously. All people should play that sport and no other. We never have these problems in the Outback. The only problem we do have is wondering why Matt is even still around when all he does is never smile. MATT, YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE!

Harris: Nobody likes Matt. That's why he never wins Governor anymore.

Seirichi: Isn't Fio still Governor? It's not like anyone could beat her anyway. Fio wins by landslides. Anyway, back on topic. The whole.. Uh, hold on. Paper rustles. Right. Overlord thing.. OH! [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Here, Harris. Look at a copy of this posting. Tell me... how drunk was Senior Baron Kalamere when he wrote this part about Vanion? Read the line out loud for everyone. This one. Paper slaps.

Harris: Uhh... "There is much speculation as to the fate of the now former Overlord and most of us hope him alive and at least relatively well." Extended Pause. Is he talking about Vanion? The guy who eats babies and kills people for challenge intimidation? That guy?

Seirichi: I'll change my question. How high do you think Kalamere was when he wrote that? Also I thought Vanion molested little boys... not ate babies. Welp, add it to the list.

Harris: You're probably thinking about Cassius, since he's Roman and all. I can't verify that about Vanion though. I did see him eat a baby once. He called it veal or something. Disgusting. I'm offended. Doesn't he have a title over on the Isle too?

Seirichi: Better question. Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] cares about the Isle?

Harris: I started dueling there again and, quite frankly, it hurts my soul. Well. RIP in peace, Vanion. We hardly knew ye. Or wanted to know ye. He'll be back in six months, probably.

Seirichi: I gave it four. Want to put up money? Wait, I'm getting word that Freckles has finally got off her [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Everyones favorite half Jewish, half werewolf is ready to take on the mean streets of RhyDin with hard hitting questions about this entire debacle!

Harris: I'm sure the people will have some interesting reactions to Vanion's apparent demise. Give us the scoop, man on the street Freckles!

Freckles: Hello, Rewind Fans! Your favorite intern is out and about risking life and limb to bring you news straight from where it counts! The people! Hello! Sir? Can I ask you a question? No... you have to speak into the mic.

Guy #1: Yeah... Sure. What is it?

Freckles: What do you think about Vanion Shadowcast's so-called death and him being stripped of the Overlord title?

Guy #1: Uhh... what's a Vanion?

Freckles: ...Ah.. Uh, okay?

Seirichi: This is why I love RhyDin. Ninety nine percent of the public are oblivious to everything around them.

Harris: Maybe he should've blown up the Marketplace to get noticed, since apparently being Overlord isn't enough for some reason.

Seirichi: That's implying that people even pay attention to explosions in the Marketplace. I wonder what the `It's been this many days since an explosion` sign tally is at for that anyway... Freckles, find someone else!

Freckles: Ma'am! Ma'am!

Woman: Hey... aren't you that Intern? From that show?

Freckles: Yes! RhyDin Rewind! Every week day from eight through ten AM! KLIT-AM 900! We're not that hard to find! Anyway, I have a question! Harris and Seirichi want to know... What's your take on the whole Arena drama happening with Ex Overlord Vanion?

Woman: ...What's an Overlord?

Freckles: Overlord... The Supreme Duelist? Duel of Swords? The sport? Been around, like, twenty years? He has an Island? Called Overlord Isle...? Any of that ring a bell?

Woman: I'm sorry but, what...? I don't follow sports.

Freckles: The isle is just south east of the city.

Woman: That place is called Overlord Isle? I visit there all the time! Never heard it called that. Are you sure we're talking about the same place?

Freckles: I'm surrounded by idiots...

Seirichi: Welcome to our world. Harris... you're making Freckles jaded, do something!

Harris: This is kind of depressing. Didn't the Barons and Overlord have a spot on the Government Advisory Council not too long ago? RhyDin's populace is so ignorant. I'm glad we moved at this point. FIND SOMEONE ELSE THAT'S SMART FRECKLES.

Freckles: I found a smart looking guy! Hey, man. What's up? Can I ask you a question? I can? Good! Overlord Vanion's been stripped of his title and--

Guy #2: My son died because of that freak. I'm not [EXPLETIVE DELETED] talking about him.

Seirichi: Freckles. Ask him, on a scale of 1 to 10, how butthurt is he?

Freckles: On a scale of 1 to 10, how butthurt are you? Yelping, follow by scuffling and microphone feedback.

Seirichi: Wow. She totally deserves what she's getting. Does no one have respect anymore?!

Harris: Sounds like we have a winner! 2 out of 3 RhyDinites are ignorant boobs unaware of their city's most popular bloodsport. Fantastic. Anyway, it's official because we deem it to be so. Vanion Shadowcast, former Overlord and holder of the Tower of Air has died due to dysentery. Memorial services will be held in hell. Please RSVP if you plan to attend.

Seirichi: I've just been told Freckles lost a tooth! What's the count at now?

Harris: She'll grow it back during the next full moon.

Seirichi: Jewish Werewolf powers are A-MAZING.

Harris: Stay tuned RhyDin. After the break we'll run down the top 5 RhyDin strip clubs to eat breakfast at for less than the cost of a lap dance!

Seirichi: Spoilers. The one with the waffle bar wins.

The segment ends with a commercial for the RhyDin Unnatural History Museum.
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Aurast Takes Over RhyDin Rewind

Post by A. Dagger Sasc » Mon Mar 17, 2014 6:30 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind unscheduled broadcast, 16 MAR 2014]

Wang Chung's “Dance Hall Days” plays to introduce the segment.

Aurast: Hello, Rewind Faithful. Aurast Dagger Sasc here from the Rewind Headquarters! Which is a room in Seiri’s Adenna home for those of you that didn’t know.

Aurast: Now, some of you may be wondering who I am, and that's understandable. I have been off the dueling radars for many a blip. But I'm sure many of you will remember me as the winner of last year's prestigious Madness tournament. It's not a card I like playing every day, but if it'll hurry the plot along… Super Mario “TIME’S UP!” sound effect.

Aurast: Hahah, I could get used to this. I'm so tempted to scramble all their levels and settings on the soundboard as a gag, but having seen how long it takes to “EQ” everything just right at our own recording studio, that's far too cruel a prank even for my tastes. Anyway, some of you may also be wondering: where's my usual volatile twosome? Where's Seiri? Where's Harris? What am I doing here, and how much chloroform did I use on them? Shock revelation sound effect.

Aurast: Well, to answer the most burning of those questions, I am here today to announce the important release date of my band Shoe Slam's debut studio record! “Friends For Hire!” PRE-ORDER NOW!!! It just takes a name and address and any one of our acceptable methods of payment.

Aurast: So exciting. And to bring this news to you, I have had to infiltrate the home studio of RhyDin's most vulgar talk show duo under the pretense of breakfast, slip past their toddler and babysitting security, and lastly crack the code on their complex radio-recording equipment. All of this was considerably easier than I’m making it sound by the way, but don't let it go allowing you to think you could do it too. I've got some noteworthy advantages over you in the secret agent biz. For example, I'm “family,” and you can't go any deeper undercover than that.

Aurast: I never thought I'd be saying it, but it's sure good being back in Adenna. I had almost forgotten how relaxing it was. If you can clear the time to come visit, I suggest that you do so. I'm only back home this week to catch up with friends and family like Seiri and the brother and the kids and such; to pass out and sell as many copies of my record as I can, and to have a few dinners and get my fill of dragon's meat before I have to go back to Penrith, which by the way, if you haven't had dragon before, then what the hell is wrong with you? Get your a** to your nearest bbq dragon grill and order yourself some dragon ribs for crying out loud. Have a dragon steak. Hell, have some peppered dragon strips or a grilled dragon tail! For real, you're being unfair to your mouth.

Aurast: There are so many luxuries here. Well, luxury's not really the right word. Dragon meat is more... decadent. That's the word. There are so many “decadencies” here. I'm speaking purely about the cuisine, mind you. But in all seriousness, you should book a room at the Slipkey for at least a weekender. You can take my word for it: you won't regret it. Tourist travel has really opened up over the years. Don't come expecting a suntan, but do bring your bathing suit. It's worth spending the night, that's for sure.

Aurast: Feels weird being the only one talking. I love a radio show flown by a single pilot as much as the next person. I listen to plenty of shows like that; podcasts and things. But it just feels like there should be someone sitting across from me at the empty microphone. It just isn't the same RhyDin Rewind, is it? It would have been nice to get someone from my band here with me, but sadly it didn't work out that way this time. Oh well. We'll be fine. My voice is more than equipped to entertain you all on your commutes or whatever has you tuning in this morning. My brother Havelast has this gift as well. It's just that Dagger Sasc depth, you know, always taking full advantage of all your playback devices' bass properties.

Aurast: But this wouldn't be radio if we didn't talk about music, right? You want to know if Shoe Slam's your cup of tea or not, and I want to help you. Right then, so let's talk about this new album of mine and why this amazing piece of work needs to be added to your personal music library.

Aurast: I should break down what's in our DNA before we get in too deeply. We're rooted in rock or alternative rock, and we're more pop than hard or heavy. We have flavors and elements from various styles, but what Jodi, Casey, and Rioz, our guitarist, all bring to the band balances us from tipping in the direction of any one genre.

Aurast: First off, I hate categorizing bands, especially today's bands, in genres. Bands are often such a talented, diverse group of musicians that can cover so many ranges. They should be, anyway. At least that's what I was taught. I know you might argue with me that that's not the case, but understand, I'm talking about real bands. The ones that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] it up that you're thinking about right now? To argue with me? I'm not counting those. I'm not counting the heartthrob in his late teens who releases a new love song on his acoustic guitar online every month from his balcony. Those aren't real bands. They're good-looking noises, and trust me people, they're fleeting. A band needs to be able to go to shows. A band needs to be something you can be proud of.

Aurast: I'm very proud of this band. I held off doing anything with the Shoe Slam brand because I knew I wanted it to be huge if it was going to be anything, and I didn't want to mess it up whenever I made my move. I was pretty much waiting for the perfect storm of musicians. We've had that for a while now. Two girls, two guys, it turned out, and apart from looking for a rhythm guitarist for touring, we are more or less... whole. But don't let my silver tongue sell you. Decide for yourself with this radio edit sample of one of our singles, “Let's Face It.”

[A thirty second song sample airs on the radio.]

Aurast: You know... about two years ago, in August I believe, I began writing the first drafts of what would become some of the earliest songs on the album. The first member I officially recruited for Shoe Slam was our vocals, Casey Nicholson.

Aurast: Casey's a friend of mine from school and a long-time member of the church choir, so she's been singing since... youth group, I'd say. Now those days may be a thing of the past given her sacrilegious affinity to taking “artistic nude” photographs of herself and posting them online, but fortunately, her voice never diminished any from her days in service to the lord.

Aurast: I personally heard it for the first time driving her home from a club because she had one too many drinks and needed a ride, and all of a sudden she started singing along with this song on the radio. I probably took my eyes off the road way longer than I should have when she did that, but luckily there wasn't much traffic out at 1 AM. I remember when I got home and lied in bed that night, I started thinking I might have found a singer, and I think I brought up the idea to her the very next day.

Aurast: Sure enough, she liked what she heard and started pouring her time into the project with me. Before Casey came along, I was just filling up a notebook with more and more music that I was probably never going to do anything with. It took her to get me actively trying to make the band happen, so I'm pretty indebted to her for that.

Aurast: When we were in mixing, one of the music guys who ended up signing us was able to tell her vocal range and he said she's a... c-something... mezzo-soprano. I remember him saying mezzo-soprano. Anyway, turns out her range was tailor-made for our band's needs. I knew I couldn't leave that just sitting on the table, because if some other band didn't snatch her up, then life was sure going to.

Aurast: Over much of last year, me and Casey worked on a lot of the material that made it onto the album, and in that time we managed to find our remaining two bandmates through a painfully long audition process that would fluctuate from long and dry weeks of not much of anything to suddenly “that's him,” or “her” in our drummer Jodi's case.

Aurast: You can't jam without a drummer. At least that's my opinion. So that was the role we sought to fill next. There's a dive bar I like to go to in Penrith to hear live bands play at called the Upper Room, and there's a hiring board next to the chalk one that has all the drink menus on it. That's where we found musicians for hire, and that's where we found Jodi Alaskey.

Aurast: Jodi's our Flea. For those of you that don't know, Flea is the bassist for the Earth band, Red Hot Chili Peppers, a really good band, and he has a tendency for playing naked or largely unclothed on stage a lot. Jodi's not the bassist, but everything else is the same. She is not often found in the occupancy of clothing. I'm not calling her a nudist or anything. She does wear clothes, just not as much of them as you or I might. So the more you get to know her, the more you start seeing her walking around in a half shirt or bathing suit top, which is understandable for Penrith weather as well. And of course if you ask anyone in the band or who has been to one of our shows, she wears little more than shorts when she's behind the drums. I won't say it's not eye-catching.

Aurast: I really like that about our live experience. I'm sure a lot of people come just to see some skin, but that's okay cause we're getting a percentage from their attendance. Snickering... We don't have the kind of budget for sets or puppetry or props to make them come, so I'm okay with selling some sex appeal.

Aurast: It'd be fun to experiment with stuff like that on down the road like mascots in big costumes, shooting the crowd with waterguns or something, or maybe doing crazier things. Like for example, I saw this famous band from Earth on the internet one night that was playing live in-front of thousands and thousands of people, and they had these drying machines running off to the side, and whenever they finished their cycle, they opened them up and threw out the t-shirts that had been drying inside while they were playing, so they weren't JUST shirts like the ones you buy outside or at the door... They had been a part of the show, you know? I just thought that was really cool.

Aurast: We don't have anything like that planned at the moment, but like to do something like that one day, but until then, it's good to know we're still unique enough to see perform live if for no other reason than because our drummer plays almost naked. There's even a lot of entertaining theories out there that are building some steam online that I've read and really gotten a kick out of; like people thinking 'oh, she must tape her hair to her breasts so no one sees them' or something because they can't see them clearly when she's drumming. Yes, I'm sure that's the reason and not because they're legitimately hard to see clearly when she's drumming. I could find a video in ten seconds of one of our shows with her boobs in them... because it's that easy, and not because I've searched before... Moving on.

Aurast: Our guitarist was the hardest to find, because it was the most important role to fill, at least to me. Some would argue it's the singer, but there's one sound I think is crucial when it comes to a rock band, and that's the guitar. I brought a lot of... desire to the sound of Shoe Slam on the bass already, and I was going to need a really good guitarist to complement both me and the gravitas to a lot of our songs, and especially live, cause you're not a band at all if you can't perform live. Period.

Aurast: A guy named Rioz had left a resume up on the board at the bar with just a phone number on it and something like 'can play guitar.' No last name, and Rioz isn't likely his real name, but I didn't care so long as he was good. Well, after setting up a meet to talk about the band, we chatted a little while, he liked what I had to say, he plugged up, and we liked what we heard. The rest was history.

Aurast: He's played guitar in a lot of other bands, so we were a little intimidated to get someone experienced whereas we were all new to the whole band thing. I don't know how we got him, but I think... I THINK... he liked what we wanted to sound like. Chuckling... We didn't have much for him to sample when we first met him, but he must have liked something! There's that, and I think he maybe hopes we get heavier later on so he can realize some of his technical potential with glorified and extended solos and whatnot.

Aurast: We don't have plans to change direction like that anytime soon. We don't have plans to next album anyway, but we'll keep that door open. We're still trying to cement an iconic sound to the band that makes you go 'yeah, that's Shoe Slam.' It's inevitable we'll do some exploring at some point, but for what I think he wants to do, we'd need to get a hell of a lot more technical, mainly me and Jodi, because his method and theory and what have you is there already. He's an extremely overqualified guitarist and we're lucky that we got him.

Aurast: That about does it for my runthrough of this musical venture I've been on these last few years. I probably should stop broadcasting before I'm found out or cause any lasting damage. I will say if you've been listening though to please consider buying the album and supporting us.

Aurast: If you liked what you've heard, either the sample or my story that led a couple of hungry musicians to this crucial do-or-die point, then please think about picking up a copy of the record for yourself. We all worked really hard on it for like two years, and it comes with a RhyDin Tour T-shirt and a 20+ page autographed booklet signed by all the band members! How cool is that?!

Aurast: Gasp! I hear a patrol approaching. Security alarm sound effect.

Aurast: That's it from me, guys! Time to channel my inner Solid Snake and make my great escape. I don't have my tranquilizer gun on me at the moment, but there's more than one pile of clothes lying around here to stuff a body into. Thanks for tuning in to RhyDin Rewind!

The segment ends with a commercial for Time Travel Marriage Counseling.
– Aurast Dagger Sasc
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Post by Harris » Mon Apr 14, 2014 7:20 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 449, 14 APR 2014]

Moby's "Natural Blues" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: It's guest host day here at the RhyDin Rewind, because recent surveys have revealed most of RhyDin is tired of listening to Seirichi's voice every morning at this point. Not enough heavy breathing was the main complaint. So today we're gonna shine the spotlight on someone you either don't know enough about, or, in my case, know too much about and wish you could forget. KC Chae. Or is it just KC? Nicknames confuse me.

KC: KC, or as people on the Duel of Fists and Magic standings call me: Kenny. I've said countless times, out loud, that my name is KC. They don't seem to get that. Oh! HEY, NOONA! I'M ON THE AIR! Can you hear me? Big Boss, can I call my Noona up?

Harris: Uhh, what's a Noona?

KC: My big sister. She's my Noona. You know, your other mentee? She's also the current title holder of the Keeper of Water! The best hot springs on Twilight Isle are there. I chillax in them allllll day long. Pause. Nude. You should come visit them with me, Big Boss.

Harris: Adenna has hot springs. I'm pretty sure they're superior to whatever Nerd Island has. Going there gives me the hives. Talking about going there gives me the hives. Change the subject, KC.

KC: To what? How my Noona was in the Madness Tournament? She did better than me. I didn’t even make it out of the first round. Shame, shame. Ooor... how you're making me blush by sitting there shirtless?

Harris: No. I'm wearing a shirt. It just has abs painted on it. I can understand how that would confuse you. You're co-hosting today, so you gotta carry your weight. Since you brought up Madness, let’s go with that. The finals are set between last year's winner, Aurast Dagger Sasc, who thinks he can hijack our show to promote his GARBAGE ALBUM THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BURN and Jake Thrash, who apparently bumped his head recently and can't remember how to lose. Any comment?

KC: No. I haven’t been following. It became boring after me and Noona got beat. I’d rather spend my time focusing on the BEST SPORT instead. There’s a Chae challenge going on! First to land a hook and wins the duel is getting a tanning bed... I really need one to work on my summer tan.

Harris: Yeah. And now seems like the perfect time to mention that the current challenge HAS BEEN SITTING FOR TWO WEEKS AND NEITHER OF YOU HAVE WON IT. Do I need to drop you both since your progress has stalled out? Or, better yet, tell a funny story about your "Noona" to get back in my good graces. Or talk about Morgan apparently getting married? Isn't he currently employed as a street urchin?

KC: There's nothing funny about my Noona. She's our rock. She's the one we go to when we have problems. She's also single, guys! Jin Chae, look her up! .. and ugh, don't get me started on on the wedding. I love my brother, I really do, but whyyy get married so early? You're young! Be free! Getting married is such a drag anyway. What do you think about getting married, Big Boss? Are you and Seirichi going to tie the knot?

Seirichi’s barking laughter heard in the background.

Harris: I tie Seirichi into knots on a nightly basis after Kellie and Michi go to sleep. Who's this chick Morgan is marrying and did he knock her up? Also, before anyone looks Jenny up they have to get my permission first.

KC: Dani. I think she plays video games for a living? I can't even get past the first level in Super Mario, so she must have some pretty skilled thumbs. That's okay though, I've been told I have a talent with my lips. Oh.. and, well.. Uh! Big Boss, that's a good idea. How about you do a bachelorette show for my Noona? Get some guys, line them all up, see who is the best for her?

Harris: Aren't I doing you people enough favors by mentoring you? What's in it for me? Also, can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?

KC: To make them go through embarrassing and grueling physical challenges? Don't you watch reality TV? You can make the run through mud, crawl through mazes, and climb up fake mountains while spraying water down on them. It's hilarious. Big Boss. I'd rather show you my skills, personally.. instead of talking about them.

Seirichi’s barking laughter heard in the background.

Harris: Somebody let that dog outside. It probably has to go pee. Clears throat. Well, we're not a dating show. This is RhyDin. Finding someone to neck with is as easy as walking outside and shaking what your Mama gave you. And if your Mama didn't give you enough then you just go buy some more.

KC: But didn't you say they needed to get your permission first to see my Noona? You're no fun, Big Boss... But that's okay, you're hot.

Harris: Okay. I'm not used to a co-host actually paying attention to what I say. Awkward.

KC: Really? Why wouldn't anyone listen to your every word?

Harris: Probably because I don't hit them enough. So, we have one Chae getting married. We have another Chae lonely and secluded in the Tower of Water. Then we have a third Chae in the studio that's playing footsies with me under the desk. Are there any more Chaes RhyDin needs to look out for?

KC: A few more.. we are everywhere, one or two more might spring up when you aren't looking! Oh, Big Boss. Who does your nails? That manicure is terrible. I'm going to have to fix that after this.

Harris: Who does my nails? The guy across the ring whose face I'm punching on any given night.

KC: You should take care of your nails. A guy like you? Everything should look in tip, top shape.

Harris: That's why you're gonna walk on my back during the break. I'm feeling tense.

KC: Awww... poor baby. You must be sooooo tense after the Diamond Quest last night. I brought the baby oil, you just let mami's magic fingers do their work. Phone Rings. Oh! Noona's calling! Noona, say something. Mic fiddled with.

Jenny: Huh? Oh! Hello!

KC: Noona. Charlie? Hot or not? I heard he got all sweaty last night at the DQ too. Do you wanna fu-- Oh, she hung up!

Harris: Another host that doesn't know how to work the board. At least this one has some other talents. Stay tuned RhyDin! Next segment we're gonna see if KC can conquer the Gallon Challenge and drink a whole gallon of milk without gagging and throwing up!

KC: Are we off the air? Go ahead and take off your pants.

Harris: You... gotta hit the button first. Sighs. Nevermind.

KC: .. Oh [EXPLETIVE DELETED] A more masculine tone used, followed with laughter.

Harris: Knocks over the microphone.

KC: Hey Roya! Shout out! More laughter. You owe me a blo-- Cut off.

The segment ends with a commercial for the Tuck ‘n Tape Guide Book.

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Post by Harris » Mon May 05, 2014 11:22 pm

[A 45 second bump airs on the radio.]

Harris: Woo woo! Beltane is almost here again, RhyDin. And to help celebrate the upcoming festivities we're bringing back... THE ONE WORD SAGA!

Seirichi: Didn't you say we were gonna do that, like, 6 months ago?

Harris: The best things come to those who wait. Like how you waited for me.

Seirichi: I don't wait for [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. I take what I want. Then, when I get bored with it, I trade up. Which is why you should all vote for my future wife, Koy, for May Queen! Tell them Seirichi said you could vote as many times as you wanted, as long as it's all for Koy!

Harris: I guess I'll be the one that does their job and actually promotes the One Word Saga. We've cleared out the parking lot adjacent to the studio for this edition and set out a host of colored chalk for passerbys! Plus, free swag! So swing by and contribute a word or two to the saga!

Seirichi: Koy. Is. Sexy. That's my contribution.

Harris: Well, that's better than having to watch Tass go streaking again this year.

RhyDin Rewind! Every weekday morning from 8-10 AM! Only on KLIT-AM 900!
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Post by Harris » Fri May 09, 2014 9:43 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 468, 9 MAY 2014]

Korn's "Twisted Transistor" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: You know him, you love him, Kruger "The Anvil" Allen is in the studio with us this morning! And before this segment is over he's going to Krugey Krater Seirichi for abandoning mentoring him to show her what he's learned without her. Really, he's better off. I don't think anyone Seirichi has mentored in the Outback has done anything but cry themselves to sleep at night.

Seirichi: I've mentored people in the Outback? This is news to me.

Kruger: I wouldn't go that far Harris, it wasn't the mentoring that had me crying at night it was the restaurant bills that she ran up after practice.

Harris: Well, being fat is one of her favorite past-times.

Seirichi: I don't know what you two are talking about. That, and I've never been fat.

Kruger: It's probably a good thing she doesn't remember things that disappoint her, means that you can do it over and over again. Like eating one potato chip, it just doesn't happen.

Seirichi: If that were true I wouldn't even be recognizing Harris's face right now.

Harris: I gave you THE GLORIOUS MICHI. Nothing I can do from this point forward will ever be disappointing.

Seirichi: True. Now that I have Michi I can leave you dry in the gutter somewhere if I want. Kruger, you should make Harris a knife. That way when he's hit by the depression of losing me he'd have something to perform ritual suicide with.

Harris: Speaking of stabby things, Kruger's here today to rep his set, as the kids call it these days. Not only is he part of the Warrior House at Bristle Crios but he's got his own little smithy. It says here you make... erotic weapons? Pause. Papers shuffle. Is that a typo? I hope that's a typo.

Kruger: Laugher. It is a typo. Though the first few months I had the shop open I made a number of... Hmm, I don't know if you can say it over the radio. As for the work you want Seirichi, I don't think I'll have to make that knife for a long time.

Seirichi: Wow. What a degenerate. Kruger, we all know Harris would cry the second I left him. Let's not kid ourselves here. You don't need to lie to make him feel good.

Kruger: Sometimes I cry when I'm happy too. Clears throat.

Seirichi: Note to self... kill one of those random dragons flying around RhyDin and stuff its head in Kruger's bed. Harris! Stop being silent. I know you're into men now but that doesn't mean you can ogle Kruger.

Harris: I'm not into men. I can't help it that I'm so popular that they're into me. Pause. Wait.

Seirichi: AAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOO! I'm glad Michi was born before you went through this power bottom phase.

Harris: Groan.

Kruger: On a more serious note though, I have no complaints about my former mentorship with Seirichi. She did everything right. Ridiculed me when I missed and taught me the benefit of insulting my opponents.

Seirichi: Be sure to add that I told you not to fight cats... wait, I'm supposed to act like I don't remember anything about this. The illusion is over!

Kruger: I suppose I get punch blind, if it steps in the ring, I hit it.

Seirichi: Surprisingly, my Sister says the same thing. Just replace ring with bed.

Harris: So, we've at least established the fact that Kruger has a forge and makes weapons that people can kill themselves or others with. Anyone we know have one or more of your pieces, Kruger? And what types of weaponry are you hammering out, in case anyone is looking for a fresh blade?

Seirichi: I bet he has a sword that can cut a horse in two.

Kruger: Andrea Anderson has a couple of weapons I've made, a katana and a gunblade... I really should have her bring that in for a check up. I made a pair of axes for Charles Blackstone a while back. I created a dagger for Rachael Douglas, that was before she was married so it's been a while. Rena recently had me make another katana for Morgan Chae.

Seirichi: I think I know Harris's follow up question. Who is the hottest person on that list?

Kruger: Interesting, I hadn't thought to classify it by hotness. Morgan is by far the prettiest and most delicate, Andrea though... we all know she's the cutest, or so the polls say.

Harris: Andrea bounces almost as well as Seirichi does.

Seirichi: And Morgan is pretty cute for an asian girl.

Harris: Though, as for an actual, legitimate follow up question... What makes Kruger's Erotic Weapons, Armor, and Leather better than any other smithy in RhyDin? Pause. Are you sure that's a typo, Kruger?

Seirichi: Let me look! Papers shuffle repeatedly.

Harris: It's on every page. I'm just going to assume it's not a typo and Kruger's got some specialty weapons behind a fake wall in his shop that are strictly for adults. In any case, my question still stands.

Kruger: There is a fine line between Erotic and Exotic. I can see the reason people get confused. I would say that my method is different. Many of my peers use the standard five element forging process. I've included a couple more.

Seirichi: So are you implying I can order a dildo sword and slap people with it at the Arena? SOLD! I'LL PAY STRAIGHT UP GOLD!

Kruger: The customer is always right Seirichi. I would call that a custom order though and advise that you clean it between opponents.

Harris: It would be wrong of me to burst Seirichi's bubble and tell her the ol' phallic bat has been done before. So I won't even talk about that season of TDL with the team of strippers. Nope. Not gonna do it.

Seirichi: Like I care about my opponents. WAIT! What's a TDL? If I don't know what it is then it doesn't count.

Harris: This is the point of the interview when you're supposed to be asking about the Krugey Krater, not TDL.

Seirichi: ...what's a Krugey Krater?

Kruger: A Krugey Krater is a move I use in the Duel of Fists, where I take the momentum of my opponent and use it to power slam them to the mat. The name was kind of an accident... I got too into the fight and ended up shouting Krugey Krater, of course that could be because I am an egomaniac. Some of my closer friends say attention whore. I can say whore right?

Seirichi: So... it's just what I did to you during our Opal challenge when I put you through a table. Shouldn't it be called a Seirichi Smasher since I invented it.

Harris: You'll see the difference when he uses it on Freckles right now in a demonstration.

Seirichi: Yeah, Freckles. Stand very still and don't move. What? Don't give us that look.

Kruger: You want me to just do her on the floor?

Seirichi: She might be small but she can take it hard. Don't worry about her.

Harris: She has Jewish Werewolf powers. But it's fine, she's had all her shots for the year.

Kruger: Microphone thumps as the headset is removed. KRUGEY KRATER! Feminine shriek, followed by a loud crash. No no Freckles, your back is supposed to twist that way... you'll be fine. Microphone jostles again. She seems a little upset.

Harris: She'll just lick herself until she feels better.

Seirichi: Look at her. She's loving it.

Harris: Or she's having a seizure. Kind of like what happens to Nayun when you stare at her for too long.

Kruger: That's why the athletes in the duels need to stay in top shape. I think she may need one of those foreign doctors, what's it called... A Cairo Practor.

Seirichi: Ehhh, she's fine. She won me the Panther's Talon one time, so she can take a beating. Look, she's already drooling. That's a sign of recovery.

Harris: Oh well. Today we've learned... Kruger specializes in erotic weapons that can cleave a horse in two, has no issues dominating werewolf women, and thinks Morgan is the prettiest of all the Chae girls.

Kruger: True on all points!

Seirichi: I would like to take this time to officially announce that... I'M HUNGRY.

Kruger: Good thing I brought my wallet.

Harris: By the way, you can hook me up with Miranda Branson, right Kruger?

Kruger: I'll definitely be able to make some inroads for you. Miranda is... from the time I have spent with her... Open to new experiences.

Seirichi: Kruger. When you bring it up? Be sure not to mention Harris's name and use mine instead.

Harris: I was gonna share, but now I'm not so sure. Still, we should get one of the Bristle Crios ladies on our show. Foxy.

Kruger: I'll let her know your position Seirichi... you'll just have to show it to me first.

Harris: She still hasn't learned any of the good ones I suggested Nima show her.

Seirichi: Wow. Interview over. Knocks mic off table.

Kruger: ...she really got some distance on that one.

The segment ends with a commercial for Kruger's Exotic Weapons, Armor, and Leather.
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Post by Harris » Mon Jun 16, 2014 9:09 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 494, 16 JUN 2014]

Marcy Playground's "Sex And Candy" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: As you know RhyDin, we're always trying to do our part to help out the general public, and today is no exception. As part of her community service for indecent exposure at a children's playground, adult film star Suki Slider is here to help us with a PSA. That's a public service announcement for those of you not in the know.

Suki: I'm not going to waste my time explaining why you're wrong when it comes to those charges. You're just wrong.

Harris: What part did I get wrong exactly?

Suki: It was not a children's playground. Proper context, which you have conveniently omitted, is required to explain my case. Exasperated sigh. But no matter, let's just do this and get it over with.

Harris: I mean, there's nothing to be ashamed of. You made several little boys into men that day. I have no idea why they're punishing you for that. But as the new spokeswoman for the "Wrap It Before You Tap It" safe sex campaign I'm sure you have some valuable words of wisdom, considering your, ahh, colorful profession. Snicker. The more you know.

Suki: Fingernails tap. Yes. Wrap it Before You Tap It. Harris, do you know how many children are running around this city without parents looking after them?

Harris: RhyDin Fact: Orphanages in this town are three times as crowded as the secret underground prisons Matt signed off on when he was Governor.

Suki: Exactly... and do you know why? I'll tell you -- it's because of unprotected sex. It's running rampant throughout this city.

Harris: Oh noes! It's an epidemic! It's like the Black Plague, only with fornication!

Suki: Sure, "Oh noes". You should perhaps invest in acting lessons, that sounded too forced. Another factoid for your listeners to chew on. Did you know divorce rates in RhyDin are at an all time high? Allow me to explain how relationships in this city evolve. Guy meets girl, one hour later they are already in the throes of passion. One week after that they are planning a wedding after, somehow, the woman has become pregnant and is already showing. Two months later, after the grand and money-wasting wedding? They hardly see each other and split. What happens to the children then, Harris?

Harris: Uhh, they go live with their Mother and are never seen or heard from again?

Suki: Some do, although most wind up in those orphanages you spoke about. Do you know what they could have done to prevent all of that?

Harris: By following the example you set in Hershey Highway Patrol Squad 1-6? I think 2 was the best, personally.

Suki: Yes... I suppose that method would work as well. I suggest to anyone who is interested in seeing what Harris is speaking of to please purchase the DVD Mega Pack. In honor of Father's Day a ten percent discount is available with the code "Big Daddy". But as for the subject at hand, the easier way to avoid flooding RhyDin's streets with unwanted children would be to... Dramatic pause. Wrap it Before You Tap It.

Harris: I see them all the time, begging for food. Wandering the streets aimlessly. They're desperate. They're dangerous. They clog up the system. A new orphanage pops up almost as often as a new marketplace bombing refugee shelter.

Suki: A number of other products are also on sale from Silk Sheets Studios, including a special on dragonskin contraceptive devices.

Harris: As always, Suki does an excellent job servicing the community. She does her best work in groups.

Suki: That's "Big Daddy" as the discount code. It won't last for long, since I have the sudden urge to pull my sponsorship from this station.

Harris: I don't think pulling out is in any of your contracts, Suki.

Suki: And do you know why? It's because the men I'm with Wrap it Before They Tap It. Now, we're going to cut to commercial. When we come back Harris and I will be explaining fifteen sex tips that will spice up your love life.

Harris: Is letting your pets watch on that list?

Suki: Sigh.

The segment ends with a commercial for Affluent Cutlery.
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Post by Harris » Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:51 am

[A 45 second bump airs on the radio.]

Harris: We're smack dab in the middle of Summer! So you know what that means, Freckles?

Freckles: Uhh, it means--

Harris: WRONG ANSWER! It means it's time for the 2014 RhyDin Rewind Wet T-Shirt Contest!

Freckles: That's what I was going to say!

Harris: We'll be setting up stage on the steps of the RhyDin Public Library on August 9th and we've created two intense divisions!

Freckles: What are they gonna be this time?

Harris: Octogenarian & Sexagenarian! Age ain't nothin' but a number, ladies! So head to the station to put your name on the most important ballot RhyDin will see this year!

Freckles: Whew. That means I don't have to sign up like you made me last time.

Harris: We decided to cut you a break, Freckles. You'll be on wardrobe, helping the women with their bikinis. Arthritis, you know?

Freckles: Groan.

RhyDin Rewind! A fresh dose of hipster repellent every weekday morning from 8-10 AM!
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Post by Harris » Fri Aug 29, 2014 3:29 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 548, 29 AUG 2014]

Them Crooked Vultures' "New Fang" plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: Hello RhyDin! Guess what it's time for? It's time for Harris to stop being lazy and buy me a gift. We've been together for how long now? I've really forgotten… I'll just use cunning guess work and say it's been around two years? Something like that. Either way, no matter what Harris says, the subject of today’s show is about him showering me with the glitters and gold that only rich men can offer. Let me look at my notes real quick… Wait, Harris! Why did you cross that out? I thought I got to pick the subject for this segment!

Harris: I couldn’t read that chicken scratch. Maybe if you had bothered to finish 5th grade you’d be able to take legible notes. I think Michi has a better education and she hasn’t even said her first words yet.

Seirichi: What are you even talking about? 5th Grade? That sounds too low rank for me. I'd be 1st grade, always. Really… who does this guy think I am? Whatever, what's today's show going to be about? I'm already losing interest.

Harris: We're finally going to address a question our fans have been asking for the last month. What in the blue hell did you do to your hair? It looks like you fell down on the lawn and one of our landscapers buzzed your head with a weed wacker.

Seirichi:: Seriously? People have been asking that? No one says that to my face. What, have they been talking about me on Kenzi’s blog? Look, nerds. Say that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] to my face and not in some comments section!

Harris: Well, they never have the opportunity to say it to your face. You only breeze into RhyDin to see if there's any new talent or to not follow through with challenges in the Outback, then it's back to Adenna to lounge in the pool and neglect your usual duties.

Seirichi: I should go challenge for a title… but, I'm too lazy. Who even holds all the Opals right now? Probably [EXPLETIVE DELETED] people. Anyway, that's another story. You wanted to hear about my hair? Look, I know you miss having something latch onto when you play backdoor bandit, but I felt like I needed a new look. And, you do remember I had short hair when we met, right?

Harris: I wasn't paying attention to your hair back then. I was lulled into a trance by those balloons you were smuggling under your shirt. Reasonably if you were going to do anything to your hair again you should’ve dyed it blue in my honor.

Seirichi: Honor of what exactly? None of this is popping. You should just love the short haired look and be done with it. A short haired Seirichi is a cute Seirichi. See? Can't you see that I'm doing cutesy faces at you?

Harris: Awful. I wanna run my fingers through your hair like you’re a real woman. Now I can only do that when you forget to shave your legs.

Seirichi: I don't shave, I wax. Get it right. How else is Aya going to get enough tips to graduate from beauty school?

Harris: Our listeners were kind enough to send in some of their own suggestions for what you should do with your hair. And all of these sound better. Like pigtails.

Seirichi: Pigtails are for bubbly blondes who can't catch a man with their charm alone, so they have to fulfill some school girl fantasy to reel them in. Don't get me wrong, I like when we play teacher and naughty bible school student, but I'm not relying on it on a permanent basis.

Harris: Spare the rod, spoil the Seirichi. What about rocking an afro?

Seirichi: ...what? Seriously? I bet I could pull it off well, better than anyone else, but no. I'm not doing an afro. Now I do think it'd look better on you. How about it? A blue afro!

Harris: I’ve had this same look for years. You don’t mess with a classic, baby. Dreadlocks is on this list! Yeah mon! No woman no cry.

Seirichi: Dreadlocks? I think out of your little list, dreadlocks would be the one I'd go with. Beautiful dreads, maybe colored blue and green or green and purple, just to piss you off. I could be Mother Nature’s child and bound around in the forest with Gren. I'm sure you can hear it in my voice right now, but for those who don't understand it, I'm being sarcastic. Dreadlocks are for dirty hippies and elves. Screw them.

Harris: Don't look at me. If I had to pick I’d go with cornrows. At the end of the day I guess I should just be thankful you didn't decide on a mullet.

Seirichi: Cornrows look good on buffy chicks. I'd totally date a chick with cornrows.

Harris: It looks like the short hair is what’s “in” for awhile. I give it another couple of months, tops. Until then, just continue to stare at her breasts instead, like I do whenever she starts talking. You'll immediately forget about the short hair.

Seirichi: But what if I get a breast reduction?

Harris: Oh God. Are you trying to give me a coronary? I’m comin’ to see you Elizabeth! Heavy thump.

Seirichi: Well, looks like Harris is dead. While I'm busy trying to kick him back to life so I can find out who this Elizabeth woman is, I'll send you losers off to a commercial break. Stay cute, RhyDin!

The segment ends with a commercial for the Emerald Vapors Opium Den.
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Post by Harris » Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:58 pm

[A 1 minute bump airs on the radio.]

Wake up with the RhyDin Rewind Crew every weekday morning!

Harris: In the wake of The Golden Apple Grab tournament last month in the Outback, golden fruit is suddenly in high demand! Which is why we're bringing to you this "Top Ten Fruits That Deserve The Golden Treatment"!

Seirichi: Ugh. Fruit? FRUIT?! There's not enough meat in fruit!

Harris: There's not enough meat in meat for you. NUMBER TEN! Golden Guava! An always appreciated and awesome alliteration.

Seirichi: Golden Lemon! But lemons are already yellow. How would anyone even tell the difference?

Harris: NUMBER EIGHT! Golden Clementine! Hopefully they don't attract any zombies.

Seirichi: Golden Tomato? I thought we were talking about fruits, not vegetables!

Harris: Golden Huckleberry. Because I'll be a daisy if I do.

Seirichi: A Golden Kum... quat. Am I gonna get censored for saying that? [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!

Harris: NUMERO CUATRO! Golden Prune! Laxative of the affluent!

Seirichi: I don't even know what number we're on now. Whatever! Next is Golden Cherry! Because I've never popped a gold one before!

Harris: Golden Dragon Fruit! God. I hope that's not anything like Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Seirichi: And the number one fruit that deserves the golden treament is... DRUMROLL sound effect. Marc Franco! Get it? Since he's the biggest fruit in RhyDin! Plus he'd be more useful dipped in gold since there's nothing to read in the GangSTAR these days.

RhyDin Rewind!

Harris: I was gonna make some crude joke about melons but Freckles says we talk about your boobs too much as it is.

Monday thru Friday, 8-10 AM!

Seirichi: They can talk about themselves then when they co-host with me next week!

Only on KLIT-AM 900!

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