RhyDin Rewind

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Post by Harris » Wed Aug 14, 2013 5:51 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 275, 14 AUG 2013]

Led Zeppelin's "Fool In The Rain" plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: Welcome back loyal... Wait, did we ever think of what to call our fans? Seirichiholics? Hecklerets? Whatever, it doesn't matter right now. Freckles! Think up a name for us! Now onto more important business... that business being laughing at every - single - one - of - you who thought your team would win Hydra. It was OBVIOUS that Team Beat Down was going to win! Anyone who thought different? Either mentally challenged or they have now idea how competitions work. I'll go with mentally challenged. Sure, it's not official yet... But COME ON. The dueling fans are buzzing about it already. And I want Harris to be the first one to say, on the air waves, that Beat Down is the best. Go on, Harris. Say it.

Harris: Why are you so hype for a team that dropped you and proved you weren't even an integral part of their success? I don't think Seirichi realizes she got booted from the team and replaced by eventual MVP Lem DeAngelo. That's called trading up.

Seirichi: Because I carried them the first week of last year, and they gave me this cool championship ring. See it? Isn't it nice? I don't need to be on the team to rep it. We all know I'm the spokesperson. Candy can't be trusted with anything. And a big part of everything is the fact that the Wrecking Crew didn't field a team. If they had, Beat Down would have had a proper second place team running against them. The tears streaming down my face hold so much emotion.

Harris: Uh huh. Well, Hydra's over and we aren't here to talk about it this segment. In fact, Seirichi is going to explain why our neighbors in Seaside are up in arms against us, since like most things in life this is all her fault.

Seirichi: What? I thought we were talking about Hydra? It says right here on my notes... `Talk about Hydra and why Team Beat Down is better than you`, then we take a commercial break and you rub my swollen feet. I see nothing about our stupid neighbors. But you know what? [EXPLETIVE DELETED] that [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Who do they think they are? I have the RIGHT to do what I want with my own damn property.

Harris: If you'd actually read the notes Freckles leaves you instead of opting to write your own then you'd know what our segments are about. Also, you know it's August, right? Summertime. Surf and sand. Barbeques. Summer.

Seirichi: Yeah, so? What's that have to do with anything?

Harris: You should've had Nayun take them down months ago. Then we wouldn't have any problems.

Seirichi: Why should I? It's my house, my business, my rules. It's called FREEDOM, Harris. Do you know what that word means? FREEDOM?

Harris: The doctor said my seizures would stop if you'd JUST TAKE DOWN THE FLASHING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN UP FOR THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS. And the rest of that crap on the lawn. You have a personal servant to do it. You wouldn't have to lift a finger.

Seirichi: Excuse me if my darling, darling daughter Kellie - the apple of my eye, the star in my sky, my sun and moon likes the lights. They will be staying until she says otherwise.

Harris: Pay attention RhyDin. Here comes a parenting lesson for you this morning. Children are dumb. They want dumb things. Like ice cream sandwiches for breakfast. As an adult it's your responsibility to use common sense and tell them no, oftentimes with yelling, angry faces, and threats to turn the car around. You know, she won't even think lights and Yuletide displays are special when December rolls around again this year.

Seirichi: Uhh, no. That's when we put up more lights so Matt can see our house from outer space!

Harris: What, when he takes his trips to the moon to get his space steroids and not be Governor? But anyway, Matt's not important. We need to work on a compromise. Why not just wrap Nayun in the lights while she babysits Kellie?

Seirichi: I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Harris: Well, I tried. This has now become a health issue for me so I'm taking it all down. Possibly with a flamethrower. And you're too pregnant to stop me.


Harris: You can't promote her without filling out Form A125-1C in triplicate and filing it with Human Resources. And we both know you're too lazy for paperwork. Don't fall for her lies, Kenzi!

Seirichi: Freckles! Go fill out the paperwork! Quick, so he can't destroy the plastic waving Santa Claus!

Harris: That smug Baby Jesus will obviously be the first to go.

Seirichi: Not Baby Jesus! Leave him and his glowing red nose alone!

Harris: Then Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Sleepy and Dopey and... uhh... Toto. The entire band.

Seirichi: The glowing sun bird stays where it is! I don't care what you say, I'm saving the disco snowman at least! Distant voice, having moved away from the microphone.

Harris: You hear that, RhyDin? That's Seirichi waddling all the way back to Seaside like The Penguin to save A DISCO SNOWMAN. That other sound you hear is Freckles warming up my Louisville Slugger for the Virgin Mary. We'll be back after this quick commercial.

The segment ends with a commercial for the U-SAVE Deluxe Home Dentistry Kit.
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Post by Harris » Sat Aug 24, 2013 12:17 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 282, 23 AUG 2013]

Ray Parker Jr's, "Ghostbusters" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Instead of ending this Friday on a high note we're going to end it and this week as a whole on a creepy note. The S.S. Fwoosh, a fishing trawler that was lost at sea five months ago, chugged back into port on Monday. But... without its crew.

Seirichi: Sounds spooky to me. Should we wait until nightfall and investigate? I wonder if there will be ghost pirates. Or should we call them pirate ghosts?

Harris: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not investigating [EXPLETIVE DELETED] and neither should you RhyDin. You wanna waddle around some ghost ship with Scooby and Shaggy go right ahead. When a vessel that left with a crew of forty comes back with a crew of zero I personally think you send it back out and sink it forever.

Seirichi: There's an obvious explanation for what happened. One, they all decided to commit suicide so they jumped in the water. Two, they got raided and sold into slavery. Three, the ship sucked so they got a new one! And of course you're investigating this [EXPLETIVE DELETED] with me. Get your magnifying glass, I smell a clue coming on.

Harris: I'm getting a raging clue too, but I've decided to ignore it. Also, your theories would be valid if it hadn't been reported that there was some magical residue or something all over the thing. Now do you still wanna go screw with it?

Seirichi: I'll send Nayun. She can loot and pillage any item that isn't bolted down on the ship... Ahem, I mean - she can search for clues.

Harris: I still think it's a terrible idea for them to even let a ghost ship linger in port to "investigate". It's a ghost ship, there's magic involved. SINK IT. Because guess what? Those ghost pirates Seirichi mentioned? It's bound to attract them.

Seirichi: Are you sure we should call them ghost pirates? Or pirate ghosts?

Harris: It doesn't matter what you call them when they're plundering your booty.

Seirichi: Sorry, I'm not into butt stuff with ghosts.

Harris: Now, I understand the desire to find out what happened to the crew but hey, they're gone. Cut your losses. What if that magical residue is voodoo or something? Or, uhh, some sort of wiccan goat spell? Why am I the only one asking these questions?! This is why The Watch is useless. They're probably not even *thinking* about this stuff.

Seirichi: It's RhyDin. People shoot first and ask questions later. So, of course you're going to have idiots flocking to a sight that may be cursed, full of pirate ghosts, and spreading a new form of AIDS that hasn't already been introduced by half of the women in this city.

Harris: Ghost ships are not for gawkers. Do not take your children to see the ghost ship this weekend, RhyDin. Unless you want them to possibly sprout wings and drag you into the nether. Go to the faire instead. Eat cotton candy. Ride the Tilt-A-Whirl.

Seirichi: Eat corn dogs, funnel cake, those bloom'n onions, maybe a corn dog or two. Those turkey legs are always nice, I want two of those. Did I already say corn dogs? Because I want a corn dog.

Harris: Please report any incidents involving ghost pirates to your local Watch precinct, so they can panic and arrive just in time to scrape your gooey residue off the ground and claim there was nothing they could do. As for the crew of the Fwoosh, there's only one thing you need to do in order to honor their memory. Grab your favorite brand of malt liquor and pour one out for the homies.

Seirichi: I'm going to get a corn dog. Mic knocked over. Finish this one on your own.

Harris: Apparently pregnant woman cravings trump DOING YOUR JOB. We'll be back after this break.

The segment ends with a commercial for Babylonian Elbow Lotion.
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Post by Harris » Thu Aug 29, 2013 3:33 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 286, 29 AUG 2013]

The Presidents Of The United States Of America's "Peaches" plays to introduce the segment

Harris: We're back RhyDin. We apologize for that brief bit of dead air you just experienced, but we had a bit of a power outage here at the station. If you're just tuning in we have Peaches as our special intern for the day, and we've got her here to explain what the hell just happened.

Seirichi: You can't see this, people listening in, but I'm very busy glaring at her right now.

Peaches: Why are you assuming I caused it? It could have been anyone else. Muffled. You said she would be nice!

Harris: Because. There was an explosion. Then the power went out. And Kenzi found you standing in front of a smoking fax machine. That's kind of a giveaway.

Seirichi: And I'm still mad because I wanted donuts!

Peaches: Ok, ok! One of you at a time, yea'? First off, there's nothing wrong with fresh fruit instead of donuts! It's good for whatever Harris planted in you. Second! Your fax machine is broken. It wouldn't take my quarters.

Seirichi: It doesn't need quarters. I know, because I tried doing that too. But that's not what matters. What matters is I didn't get my two dozen, chocolate iced cream filled donuts this morning. Worst. Intern. Ever. What are we even paying you? Nothing? GOOD!

Harris: There are so many problems with those statements Peaches, I don't even know where to start. But maybe we should clarify something for our listeners that are late to the party. Peaches is here, trading a favor for a favor. She's gonna get to make a nice plug here pretty soon, and in exchange she agreed to be our intern for the day, taking some of Kenzi's easier tasks. At least I *thought* they were easy.

Peaches: Sending a fax is not easy!

Harris: You put the paper in the thing and you press the buttons. Then a wizard pops out, takes the paper, and flies away. What about that is complicated?

Peaches: You have wizards here? Can you have one of them summon up a cream filled pastry so Seirichi stops glaring at me? Also! Make him fix your fax machine! Or is it a woman? I'm not saying women can't be wizards, by the way!

Seirichi: I can glare if I want!

Peaches: But you're so much prettier when you aren't glaring! ...right?

Harris: She's trying to soften you up before she tells you she also lost one of your dogs earlier when she took them for their morning walk, Seirichi.

Seirichi: Really? ...Well, okay. Maybe I can stop glaring for a few m-- WHAT?!

Peaches: You're so pretty. So very, very -- VERY pretty?

Seirichi: Someone get me a stick... a very large, very blunt stick...

Peaches: OK SERIOUSLY, THAT WASN'T MY FAULT EITHER! It was a wizard. Maybe the one who works here?

Harris: We did make the sacrifice of monkey eggs to The Great & Mighty Fax Wizard this month, right?

Seirichi: Wizards aren't stupid enough to lose my dog! Barking is heard in the background. And Freckles just made sure you continue to live to see the sunrise, Peaches. I swear when we're done here if I see one little hair is missing on my poor dog's head... I'm going to do something. I don't know what, but it's going to be something!

Peaches: Oh, yay! Look -- they're all here! No harm no -- what's sticking to it? Is that -- oh. Well, he might need a bath, yea'? I can give him a bath? By the way, did I mention how pretty you are? Too pretty for Harris.

Harris: If Seirichi's too pretty for me then I'm just going to move on to you instead, Peaches.

Peaches: I'm a lesbian.

Seirichi: Wait... No, what?! Stop confusing me! I'm going for Peaches first! If I'm too good for you, I'm going to pet a kitty instead.

Peaches: So... does that mean I won?

Seirichi: No. You're going to be punished. Sexually. BOW CHICKA BOW WOW sound effect.

Peaches: Well, that sounds like a win, yea'? Go me!

Harris: I think everyone in this room is a lesbian, really. But that's beside the point. You're attempting to distract us from your EPIC FAILS today, Peaches.

Seirichi: What else did she do? Donuts and losing Swagins is the top of the list.

Harris: Isn't that enough for a one day intern? Like, not even a full day. Maybe 3 hours of work.

Peaches: They weren't that epic! Ok, look, I almost burnt the studio down -- but you're both insured, yea'? And I lost one of Seirichi's dogs but, ta-da! Freckles got it back. And the fresh fruit was a good idea, I don't care what either of you say. Pause And *maybe* there was one more tiny thing. But I'm not telling you until you let me talk about Daed's shop!

Harris: That's not how this works.

Seirichi: I swear if you did something with the meat platter...

Peaches: You guys have a meat platter? Are we talking about real meat, or like, MEAT?

Harris: She's talking about me. I'm her meat platter. It's her nickname for me.

Peaches: Gross.

Seirichi: I'm talking about real meat! I don't joke about meat!

Peaches: Lucky for you, I didn't touch the meat platter. Or the actual meat that you might have on a platter. Button press. Where's the zinger sound?

Seirichi: Good. I'm fine then. Harris, go ahead and be mad. She didn't touch my meat. Oh, and it's this one. ZING sound effect.

Harris: Well, we try to be fair here at the Rewind, Peaches. So I'm gonna give you the opportunity to redeem yourself. Tell us, and RhyDin, why you think you still deserve time for your plug. If I'm convinced, all will be forgiven.

Peaches: Why do I deserve to make my plug? Because I tell Seirichi she's prettier than you?

Seirichi: That works for me! Now flash Harris your boobs. He'll say yes to that.

Peaches: Why couldn't you just let me have the job of pressing all these buttons? ZING sound effect. Hey! No, no flashing! That was in the rules!

Seirichi: Not even a little?

Harris: At least squish 'em together or something.

Seirichi: I take back what I said now. Don't give her the plug!

Harris: You're quickly losing ground, Peaches. I feel bad for poor Daed.

Peaches: GOD! You two are [EXPLETIVE DELETED] impossible! There, there, are you happy?

Harris: The goods are on display RhyDin! And I am totally okay with it.

Seirichi: Stay like that the rest of this segment and I'll be better than good.

Harris: Make your plug now.

Seirichi: I think the right one winked at me.

Harris: I already called dibs on that one.

Peaches: I swear, you two -- Oh, ok! If anyone ever needs anything fixed, don't be afraid to call Daed at Daed's Repairs! 555-4FIX! Again, that's 555-4FIX! Jesus, you two, stop drooling on yourselves, yea'?

Seirichi: What'd she say? I wasn't paying attention. Hurry up and do your plug already.

Peaches: Oh, and I signed you two up for a whole bunch of time shares while I was interning, so be expecting those unknown numbers to call bright and early in the morning, yea'? I'M OUT, BITCHES! Shoves microphone down.

Seirichi: Wait, what?!

Peaches: Oh, sorry -- I didn't break it did I? Microphone is righted.

Seirichi: FRECKLES! BITE HER! Don't give me that look... that's what you werewolves do.

Harris: I didn't think it was possible, but someone actually made Kenzi look useful for once. I hope she's busy hauling that smoldering fax machine out to the dump.

Peaches: Freckles is a werewolf!? You have werewolves and wizards? You guys should sign up for D&D LARPing!

Seirichi: That sounds like something nerds would do. GET THIS NERD OUT OF HERE!

Harris: Uh oh. NERD ALERT!

Peaches: Yeah, well, this nerd's got a nice pair of tits. Did I mention how pretty you are, yea'? Not you, Harris!

Harris: I can totally vouch for the goods. I'm having trouble fitting under this table now.

Seirichi: All is forgiven. I'll even let you take us to commercial.

Peaches: What button is for the commercials? PIANO CRASH sound effect. SHOTGUN BLAST sound effect. TV STATIC sound effect.

The segment ends with a commercial for Daed's Repairs, 555-4FIX.
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Post by Harris » Mon Sep 02, 2013 3:11 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 288, 02 SEP 2013]

Justin Timberlake's "FutureSex/LoveSound" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: This town. I don't even have words to describe it anymore. Yet again, RhyDin is engulfed in absurdity. Reports of temporal rifts or *whatever* you want to call them are popping up all over the city. The nature and impact of these disturbances is under investigation, but that's not important. What is important however is that apparently the young woman we have in the studio today is claiming to be our grown up daughter. FROM THE FUTURE. I was incredibly skeptical until she passed all 27 blood tests we gave her. She even passed the ones I had rigged.

Seirichi: I told you she had the muscle mass to be our daughter, but you didn't listen. This has to be some joke anyway, and I'm not going to believe or accept this. I just won't. Not until I have REAL proof that these... whatever they are called, even exist! Shouldn't there be tons of ME's all over the place if this was true? Or... I don't know how this crap works!

Michi: You're bad and should feel bad. It's like I said earlier, it's simple Multi-planar theory. Instead of there being one timeline that can be manipulated, every choice we make creates a new timeline, which is effectively like an alternate dimension, really. Time travel and alternate realities are the same concept. I'm a version of Michi that's entirely possible for you two, but not guaranteed.

Seirichi: Okay. Wait. I only understood one or two things of what you just said. One being time travel, and the other being manipulated... because I manipulate Harris ALL the time. I've decided, this girl can't be our daughter. She sounds way too nerdish for us.

Michi: It's what happens when you leave me with Auntie Nima all day.

Harris: Ugh. This hurts my head. Now she's gonna tell us something crazy about the future to try and prove who she is.

Michi: Like Nayun becoming the Ultimate Siovanui?

Seirichi: ...Like Nima can ra--... Wait, what? Now I KNOW this chick is lying.

Michi: The others could hardly believe her ascension when it was happening right before their very eyes. I'm not surprised you're skeptical. It's too bad I arrived when you were still pregnant with me. Otherwise we could fight.

Seirichi: And now she's picking a fight?! Harris, do something! Defend your pregnant woman's honor!

Freckles: Uhh... Sorry to jump in the middle of all this but... there's a Dusk on the line. She says she's your kid with Elizabeth?

Seirichi: Wait... Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is Elizabeth?!?

Harris: I don't know any Elizabeth. Put this caller through so I can out her as a total fraud. This is not a good time to be prank calling us.

Dusk: Elizabeth, Dad. But I guess you know her as Peaches now, yea'? You started calling her Elizabeth after you got married.

Seirichi: ...Freckles, get me Peaches' address.

Harris: Her real name is Elizabeth? Well, I guess I can't be surprised I don't know that. I don't know what color her eyes are either.

Dusk: You're a bit of an [EXPLETIVE DELETED] in this reality, yea'? I guess you kind of are where I'm from too. Usually Mom is around to bat lashes and you go all mushy for her. She do that to you in your reality, yea'?

Harris: Okay 'Dusk', if that's your real name. We're gonna put you on hold for a minute since you think you can call me an [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on my own show. Seirichi has to earn that privilege the hard way, but I'm not gonna deal with it from just anybody. FRECKLES! If anyone else calls just take a message! Jostling, screaming, and a door slamming is heard in the background. ...Freckles?

Michi: I think you have another visitor.

Harris: Okay, this is getting out of hand! BUZZER sound effect. Who's this woman barging in with... possibly the most luxurious blue hair I've seen since I looked in the mirror this morning. And the rest of her doesn't look half bad either, so I rescind my initial protest.

Sapphire: Ew, gross. I'm Sapphire. Your *daughter* with Jewell.

Harris: Christ. You're from the future anyway, or whatever, right? So, I mean... it's not weird then.

Seirichi: Is it even incest if we're from different, what's the phrase again? Parallel universes?

Sapphire: Maybe it's not weird for you, Daddy. But it's still weird.

Harris: Okay, you're right. Only Seirichi calls me Daddy, so this is absolutely creepy now. Why are you even here?

Seirichi: I only call him that when he's being good anyway.

Sapphire: If those other two *claiming* to be your daughter get time on the air then your obvious favorite, Blue Cubed, should get the lion's share. It's only natural. You always said us blue hairs need to stick together.

Harris: Blue Cubed?

Sapphire: You're Blue One. Mom is Blue Too. So I'm Blue Cubed. It's the nickname you gave me.

Seirichi: That does sound like something you'd stupidly make up, Harris.

Michi: I also have blue hair, obviously. A common trait it seems.

Sapphire: You have blue hair. I have the BEST blue hair. I'm hardly common.

Harris: Realistically, if I'm your Father, then I have the best blue hair. But... all this arguing is giving me a-- A loud droning hum mutes all other sounds for several seconds, then it slowly subsides until it's no longer heard on the air. ...Oh great. For all you listeners, that's what a temporal rift sounds like WHEN IT OPENS DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU. It also just wrecked my hair too. [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

Antiope: Greetings. I am Antiope, Judge & Nightblade of the Scathachian Order. Daughter of Illea and Harris. I exist to defend those who are defenseless, fight for those who cannot fight for themselves, and above all be true to the honor of the Blade of Scathach. This rift between my reality and yours must be mended.

Seirichi: ...I only have one question before I storm out. You were trolling us about Nayun, right Michi?

Michi: No, that part is absolutely true.

Seirichi: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] this. I'm out. Headset removed, footsteps leading away, door slamming.

Harris: Oh God. This can't possibly get any worse.

Freckles: Uhh, sorry to interrupt again, but we got four messages. One from a Dionissa, who said she's your daughter with Clover. A Mela Cy... redg... hymn? Whose Mother is Sivanna. Then someone named Maizy Rynieyn called... like, eight times. She kept hanging up and calling back and hanging up, mumbling something about a Tara. And lastly, a Khyrsanthemum... who is apparently your daughter with... G'nort? She said it was from the time he was a woman.

Harris: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] this. Now I'm out. FINISH THE SHOW FRECKLES. Headset removed, several sets of footsteps leading away.

Sapphire: Wait for us Daddy!

The segment ends with a commercial for A+ Headlight Fluid.
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Post by Harris » Wed Sep 11, 2013 3:12 am

[A 1 minute bump airs on the radio]

You can't help but listening because nobody has shut them up yet!

Seirichi: I get to do this in my jammies from home since Harris is too scared to go outside because of all his kids.

Harris: Grumbles.

Seirichi: If this "Top Ten Reasons Why Duel of Magic Is For Nerds" doesn't cheer you up then... oh well. At least I'll be amused!

Harris: Whatever. NUMBER TEN! Letting Khoom perv out with all that Blue Magic. So gross.

Seirichi: Neckbeards! Neckbeards everywhere!

Harris: Taco Tuesday. Because Aja doesn't use the kind of meat you think she does.

Seirichi: Cats! They let so many damn animals on the Isle they may as well just make it a petting zoo!

Harris: NUMBER SIX! Free titles! I mean, all you really have to do is show up.

Seirichi: This is obvious. NO NEO!

Harris: Having to watch and listen to goblins constantly fornicating in the lagoon unsupervised. DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LEM!

Seirichi: Portals instead of doors? If I wanted to lose my lunch I'd let Cor make me another omelette. Blech.

Harris: I STILL don't know what happens when Nether Ray and Ghostform collide. SOMEBODY EXPLAIN IT TO MY EYES.

Seirichi: And the number one reason Magic is for nerds... Wiggling your fingers to score should only be allowed in the bedroom, and limited to the second knuckle!

RhyDin Rewind!

Harris: Uhh, you do know that Cor and Omelettes O'Plenty is a show sponsor, right?

8-10 AM every weekday morning!

Seirichi: He is? Well, everyone should know how popular his omelettes are... with dogs. Isn't that right Swagins? Dog bark.

Only on KLIT-AM 900!
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Post by Harris » Thu Sep 19, 2013 3:06 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 301, 18 SEP 2013]

The Misfits' "Some Kinda Hate" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: We told Freckles when we hired her that her primary job was to burn and/or shred any hate mail we received. Instead of doing that she just saved piles and piles of it, assuming one day we'd need to fill a segment with something and that would be it. Well... today is apparently that day, RhyDin.

Seirichi: I'd rather be at home sleeping. But Harris told me `Oh, Seirichi. Just suck it up for me and I'll rub your feet later`. Word for word, RhyDin. Word. For. Word. So here I am, about to respond to the most stupid of hate mail from the most stupid of people who live in this stupid city. Stupid.

Harris: And suck she did. RIMSHOT sound effect. Also, I know we've been on the air for over a year now, but it seems absurd that a dump truck had to deliver these bags of hate mail from storage. I mean, seriously RhyDin? I wanna know what has your panties in such a bunch to send all this. Open one Seirichi.

Seirichi: Why do I have to open it? This one reeks of failure. Paper rips and crumples. Fine... Here, I opened it. I can't even read what it says! Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] wrote this chicken scratch?

Harris: Uhh... "Dear Harris, AKA Jerkface. This is the sixth letter I've sent you requesting that you mentor me. Why haven't you written me back? Why won't you mentor me? Is this how you treat all your fans? WHY WON'T YOU WRITE ME BACK AND MENTOR ME?" Whoa. Angst.

Seirichi: Well Harris. Why don't you mentor this guy? He knows how to write... kind of. So he already outranks half of the Outback's locker room.

Harris: That's easy. Because I'm too busy mentoring people with actual talent. Fresh Emeralds like Clarice Queen, full of booty power. And Melanie Rostol, the second duelist in the Emerald Class of '13 to make the rank in a month. Talent. Everyone I've mentored has made Emerald by the way, going all the way back to Gwen Minx. If this guy was serious he'd be in the Outback punching people instead of writing letters.

Seirichi: So the whole pen is mightier than the sword is [EXPLETIVE DELETED] nerds spew to try and act like they don't need to throw fists to really matter in this life?

Harris: I'm not even going to pretend I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. Next letter. "Dear [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. You [EXPLETIVE DELETED] don't know [EXPLETIVE DELETED] about the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Watch! How dare you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] talk [EXEPLETIVE DELETED] about the brave men and women that dedicate their lives to protecting our streets! I hope you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] both get [EXPLETIVE DELETED] to death by an elephant!"

Seirichi: Extended laughter. The Watch is useful now? What, I thought that whole other universe stuff was brought up last week, Harris. The Watch is the most useless, inept, and totally worthless group of individuals that have ever graced these [EXPLETIVE DELETED] streets. Anyone who willingly joins or helps the Watch is a try hard who needs to take their thumb out of their [EXPLETIVE DELETED] and handle their own business.

Harris: That's harsh. When Peaches lost your dog a few weeks ago you know who Freckles called to find him? The Watch. For such a feat you should really pay them the proper respect. Snickering.

Seirichi: So all they're good at is finding lost pets? Stop the presses! Let's donate half our profits to the Watch now!

Harris: Haven't you heard of their Domesticated Equine Recovery Precinct? D.E.R.P. is located right on the outskirts of town. I hear Collie has to use them from time to time when one of her horses escapes the stables.

Seirichi: How can those people live with themselves? Hurry up and open the next letter. All this Watch talk makes me want to throw up.

Harris: This one is in some super fancy script. Like it was written with a quill. "Dearest Seirichi. Your foul mouth negates any physical beauty you may possess. And if I may speak candidly, that is very little. Sincerely, A Real Lady of Class & Style." Shrill whistle. Oh snap.

Seirichi: Sincerely, a fat chick who can't get laid. Fixed that for you. Have you noticed that it's always the fat chicks who whine the loudest? Whenever they see some hot chick strut her stuff, they cry and whine. There was, no joke, this hobgoblin protesting outside some brothels yesterday...

Harris: I mean, I don't hang out with any fat chicks. I've heard they're like riding a moped though. Something you do if you can't afford an actual car. Alright, last letter, then we're seriously taking all of these to the dump. "Dear bigots. Why can't you acknowledge the love between two beings, regardless of their species? If an anthromorph wants to engage in relations with a vampire, who are you to say they're wrong to be together? EQUALITY FOR ALL!" First reaction? DRY HEAVING sound effect. Gross.

Seirichi: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] furries. Do us a favor, normal upright citizens of RhyDin... if you see a furry, beat them with a stick.

Harris: Aren't vampires technically dead anyway? I mean, actually think about that for a minute. That's gross. It's almost as bad as mermaids. You people do realize that mermaids are still fish from the waist down, right? There's no difference between having relations with a mermaid and a large mouth bass. And don't even get me started on minotaurs.

Seirichi: I feel like fisting a jar of mayonnaise just so the listeners can get an idea of what it would be like with a vampire.

Harris: They make good cereal though. It's one of the benefits of being alive for centuries I guess. Also, when Seirichi starts talking about fisting jars of condiments it's time to cut to commercial. Because she knows how hot that gets me.

Seirichi: Oh baby, hand over that packet of ketchup. I'm gonna make your toes curl.

Harris: Nah, we're stepping it up today, girl. I want... THE SPICY MUSTARD.

The segment ends with a commercial for Silk Sheets Studio.
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Post by Harris » Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:05 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 308, 27 SEP 2013]

Beck's "Girl" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: We've been holding off on an important announcement for the better part of this week, RhyDin. On Monday, September 23rd at approximately 8:42 PM Seirichi laid her egg in the Outback and THE GLORIOUS AGE OF MICHI officially began! Our daughter weighed in at 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 22 inches!

Seirichi: That's right! She's already brimming with Godlikeness and ready to take the dueling world by the throat... Squeeze it in her tender baby hands, and snap its neck!

Harris: At least four of the midwives were critically injured when THE GLORIOUS MICHI burst forth. Thankfully we hired a photographer to capture this historical moment. We ended up negotiating with several publishers before we finally sold the rights to all of the baby pictures to The RhyDin Post.

Seirichi: I bought another fur coat. It looks nice, really nice. I swear if another one of you furries throws red paint on it again, I'm going to end ALL of you.

Harris: Naturally everyone out there is thinking... How can I pay tribute to THE GLORIOUS MICHI? It's simple. Find an envelope. Empty your savings account into it. Send it to the station. It's that easy.

Seirichi: Money for the Money Goddess. Or, you know, send toys. Lots of toys. The most expensive ones. Oh, be sure to add the receipt so that we can return it to whatever store you got it from. NOTHING HOMEMADE.

Harris: For those of you that don't understand how impressive our 4 day old girl is, she's already said her first words. It started in her throat and manifested itself as some sort of spit bubble, but when that popped I'm fairly certain she said "Destroy Matt". Which is basically my daily mantra I recite in the mirror each morning. So she's on the right track.

Seirichi: Why would she want to destroy her future father in law? Really, Harris. Stop telling lies! I've already hashed out a deal with Matt so that one of his boys can marry her. We're going to be the greatest Outback family to ever live.

Harris: Wait. Does this mean we're going to be swingers with Matt and Koy? Is that part of the deal?

Seirichi: I'm pretty sure it is. Will you be the guy or girl when Matt and you have fun? All I know is, I'm going to utterly WRECK Koy.

Harris: You're obviously confused as to what parts you have. Even though I keep reminding you, physically. But anyway, now that THE GLORIOUS MICHI is here I'm just going to assume that when the time comes I'll get to personally escort her to Adenna's training grounds.

Seirichi: Uh. No. BUZZER sound effect. No, you won't. Sorry, but I'll be the one doing that. You'll be too busy packing her lunches before she goes off to training.

Harris: Doesn't this make me royalty? Don't I get a key to the city? Access to my own personal harem in Adenna?

Seirichi: No? I may be a princess, but you're just my chosen man. You really don't get anything extra... Except, I guess - you can walk the streets at night and no other woman would feel the need to rip you apart? We should talk about Michi more anyway. She's sooo adorable! When the Post puts up the pictures, I expect RhyDin to all "AWWW" at the same time from the cuteness.

Harris: I'm calling Nima to see what I get if I knock her up. It has to be way better than this.

Seirichi: I already know the answer. You get killed. By me.

Harris: You're lucky THE GLORIOUS MICHI is so terribly cute. She doesn't even seem to have any of your deficiencies, which is even better. Send us her tribute, RhyDin. To convince her to be merciful when the time comes that she can shoot lightning from her eyes and incinerate you with a thought after she transforms into Super Saiya-- err... Siovanui.

Seirichi: CRICKET CHIRP sound effect. I'm mad at you right now. As for RhyDin, remember! GIFTS! Send lots of them! If they are checks, make sure it's made out to "cash". That's easier for us.

Harris: Seirichi's getting heated, which means I probably need to take her temperature with my meat thermometer. So we'll be back after this short break!

The segment ends with a commercial for Dragoncone Ice Cream's newest flavor "Chocolate Zombie Swirl".
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Post by Harris » Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:25 pm

[A thirty second bump airs on the radio]

Keep yourself up to date with everything RhyDin has to offer by tuning in to RhyDin Rewind!

Harris: Freckles! How come we don't have a new intern to yell at yet after promoting Kenzi to blogger?

Freckles: Uhh, I tried hiring some people but nobody is biting yet.

Harris: Have you tried all the schools of higher learning? Bristle Crios? Arcanum Academy?

Freckles: Yup. No takers.

Harris: What about high schools? I've found that if you sit outside of one in a van filled with candy the kids tend to show up a lot easier.

Freckles: I don't think tha-

Harris: Just make sure you bring two rolls of duct tape. You'd be surprised at how fast you run out.

Every weekday morning, 8-10 AM!

Freckles: Can't we just get one of your kids to intern for us?

Harris: You're fired for what has to be the tenth time now, Freckles. And I may also start beating you.

Only on KLIT-AM 900!
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Post by Harris » Sat Oct 12, 2013 2:58 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 318, 11 OCT 2013]

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: October is here. And do you know what that means? Candy becomes way more expensive than it should be and the Devil's Confection, black licorice, is suddenly popular. That's because All Hallows' Eve is upon us again this year, easily the most defining holiday for RhyDin because it gives all the freaks a reason to come out in public.

Seirichi: Give me a few seconds. I thought Candy Hart was finally putting herself on sale... Then again, I've been hearing some raunchy rumors about her and Kalamere. Maybe we'll be seeing them at one of the many Halloween events going on this month? Too many if you ask me. WAY too many. But that's just me, I'm too lazy to even go to one - let alone the millions that have popped up.

Harris: Whaaaaaaat? Even Fright Night? It's not one, but *two* nights this year, October 25th and 26th. I thought Fright Night was your deal, because you love Katt so much and constantly demand she wear something cute.

Seirichi: That would require me getting up... and I've already been doing way too much of that weekly, with - you know - this whole show. Katt should bring Fright Night to ME this year instead.

Harris: Sorry. You're gonna have to either find the Forest of Illusions or the Manor of Blood, the two sites for this year's event. Is the manor made of blood? Or does the blood just drip from the walls and ceilings? Also, what kind of blood is it? Should I get a Hep B shot before I show up? There are lots of questions that stem from this year's two night event that I think Katt needs to address.

Seirichi: Maybe I'll find a better looking man in the Forest of Illusions.

Harris: Good luck bringing him home. Speaking of blood, it's only fair that we mention the Bristle Crios Blood Moon on October 20th because what's Halloween without blood, apparently?

Seirichi: October must be turning pale from all this blood loss. I don't want a blood moon though. Change it to peanut butter cup moon, then I'll be interested.

Harris: As always, Bristle Crios has outdone themselves with the special events they have planned for the evening. Water balloon fights, s'mores, and even a charity horse race. If I had it my way we'd sponsor a zombie horse. Even if it loses it'll eat the competition afterward to horrify the crowd, which is a win in my book.

Seirichi: What kind of zombies are we talking about? The quick and violent ones, or the slow and stupid kind? It better be the quick ones because I'm tired of this slow zombie fad going on.

Harris: Well... it's a race. You do understand the concept of a race, right?

Seirichi: Yes. Getting from point A to point B in the fastest time... You know, the opposite of sex. But I don't think you've been able to tell the difference between them. OOOOOH sound effect.

Harris: The faster I finish the more times we can do it. Sound logic in my book. But speaking of which, I should also mention Devil's Night at Club Babylon, which will be held on October 30th. If you've never been to Club Babylon, well... let's just say you can go there to get Kalinda to do terrible things to you for days on end and nobody can hear you scream. If you intend to go to this event I'd suggest calling out for work the rest of the week.

Seirichi: You mean I can have her jump in place for hours on end... topless? Yes, please.

Harris: I don't know exactly what they have planned but it probably revolves around whips and chains and hot wax and... did I mention the place used to be a monastery? Debauchery on holy ground makes it even kinkier. Personally I think you should get up off your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] so we can go to this. We might not even need to get inoculated before we go in. Just say a few Hail Marys and we'll be good.

Seirichi: Wait, wait, wait. What if there's ghosts? You know there's always ghosts at places like that. Old monks chanting and other [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Too spooky.

Harris: If there are ghosts they probably just work them into the services provided. Ever had a ghostly voyeur watch you go at it while a succubus sheathed in red leather whips you mercilessly with a cat o' nine tails to go faster, faster, faster... until your loins explode? Pause. My mouth is dry all of a sudden. Cough. Whoever runs Club Babylon should call me.

Seirichi: You guys can't see this... but I'm giving Harris the most weirded out look right now.

Harris: Moving right along, the Star's End Bar is having their own celebration, the Circus of Terror, on Halloween Night. Is there anything better than merging the concept of a circus with Halloween and drunkenness? Forget the zombie horses, I wanna see zombie elephants now.

Seirichi: What about zombie... what do you call them? The guys that jump around up high? On those swinging ropes? You know what, nevermind. Zombie elephants sounds cool enough.

Harris: Then after the show is over everyone can participate in slaughtering them, because they're zombies for crying out loud. Fun for the whole family!

Seirichi: Why would you want to slaughter a zombie elephant? Put a chair on that bad boy and ride it through town.

Harris: Well. You can do what you want. I'm not even gonna go to that. My choice of activity is obviously going to be Club Babylon's Devil Night. I bet if you go we'll get a couples discount. And if you're not down with that I'm probably just gonna call Kalinda instead.

Seirichi: If I'm not going, you're not going.. or -- wait. Sure, you can go.. But... HAUNTED LAUGHTER sound effect. ...Nayun will come with you.

Harris: As long as she doesn't look me in the eyes when she reaches that point. She may have bled, but after a trip to Club Babylon she actually will be a woman. Good plan, Seirichi.

Seirichi: I know, I do try.

Harris: We've laid everything out for you, RhyDin. So don't be lame like Seirichi. Go out and enjoy the festivities this month! Plenty of blood for the Blood God to go around!

Seirichi: And many skulls for the skull throne! Take tons of pictures and send them to the station! We might make fun of you on air.

The segment ends with a commercial for the Raunchy Leprechaun's Costume Nexus.
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Post by Harris » Sat Oct 19, 2013 3:26 pm

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 323, 18 OCT 2013]

Garbage's "Milk" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Merchandising makes the world go round, RhyDin. It's a great source of income. Anybody that thinks they're important has some trinket with their name on it. And since the RhyDin Rewind is the most important thing in life, we have it plastered on everything in existence.

Seirichi: T-Shirts, mugs, calendars... I even had a guy tattoo our logo on his forehead! I wonder what we could do next.

Harris: That's easy. We follow the most logical trail laid out by others. The Wrecking Crew has Silver Mark Blue, which by the way is terrible. Team Beat Down has Badsider Beat Down Bold, which by the way is even more terrible. So it's only natural that we venture into the beverage business as well. Except do it better by leaps and bounds.

Seirichi: There must be something wrong with your taste buds. Silver Mark Blue is pretty good, along with Badsider Beat Down Bold. Blue being the better of the two. By the way, this should be more than enough of an excuse for the Silver Mark reps to send me a lifetime suppy of their product.

Harris: Congratulations on being wrong about everything, like always. In any case, this town has enough brewery sponsored beverages. They need a better alternative. Something fresh and new to capture their attention and taste buds. There's an untapped market out there that we're gonna shake down.

Seirichi: With what? If it's another sports drink I'm going to pass. Lemon-lime-lemonade has already been done. I bet we could add blue coloring to it and make it RhyDin Rewind Rockin Blue Lemonade.

Harris: Actually, you know what's nutritious and delicious? Milk. It doesn't get a fair shake in the beverage community. Without it, you couldn't eat cereal in the morning. Who wants a life without Sugar Smacks? Not me. I think it's about time we bring milk up to the level it deserves to be at, on par with other drinks in the market.

Seirichi: Wait, wait. Are you implying you've figured out the missing milk mix? Are we finally going to get something that ISN'T chocolate or strawberry or banana milk?

Harris: Not exactly. I'm thinking broader than just flavor. I'm thinking source of production. Cow's milk and goat's milk will no longer dominate the marketplace after we introduce... Siovanui breast milk! I grabbed a bottle of your all naturally produced milk for Michi from the fridge last week and the marketing department agreed that there's a demographic out there for it.

Seirichi: Wait.. What?

Harris: Not all women can produce milk for their own babies. Thus the concept of the wetnurse was invented. But why go through all that trouble if you can just purchase breast milk from your local grocery store? Problem solved. Also, since it's sweeter than cow's milk it's perfect to splash on your favorite cereal in the morning or for making your own ice cream, RhyDin. Breast milk won't just be for babies anymore!

Seirichi: You're [EXPLETIVE DELETED] me right now... Right? SERIOUSLY?

Harris: I mean, you're superior to cows and goats, right? So it's perfectly natural to assume that the milk you produce is also vastly superior in every way. It's just common sense. What being wouldn't want to suckle from the teat of a Goddess? Not literally in this case, but you know what I mean.

Seirichi: Freckles! He's joking, right? This is some stupid attempt at an early April Fools joke! Why are you giving me that look?! Harris! Dammit! I don't want the unwashed masses drinking that!

Harris: Think of it as a public service that we'll profit from. It's not just milk, it's vitality. Oooooh. I should write that down! I think we've got our slogan, maybe. Don't worry, we won't slap "BREAST MILK" on the label. We'll call it... Siovanui Superior Milk. Or SS for short. It'll be an additional category, like low fat or skim milk. Though, like with all our merchandise, your breasts will need to be a prominent part of the advertising. For this moreso, obviously. Hey, is "Taste The Rainbow" taken?

Seirichi: ...I really want to hit you right now, you know that, right? This has got to be the worst idea you've ever had.

Harris: So what you're saying is that I get to keep all the profits, basically. You're generous to a fault. Has anyone ever told you that?

Seirichi: NO [EXPLETIVE DELETED] WAY! If you're getting cash off of that I'm getting the huge chunk of it! It's my milk you're trying to sell!

Harris: We could even offer a home delivery service. Nothing like the cheerful whistling of the milkman to brighten your day. A quaint throwback to yesteryear. This sounds like the *best* idea I've ever had, come to think of it. After we leave the station today we're gonna buy you an industrial strength breast pump.

Seirichi: I'm not giving anyone the gold that comes straight from the tap! Can't they just... use some as a sample and make more that way?

Harris: Yeah, but then it wouldn't be all natural, now would it? Don't worry, the girls have dealt with worse. Snickering. Siovanui Superior Milk! Look for it in 2014!

Seirichi: I hate you so much right now.

The segment ends with a commercial for the New Haven Animal Shelter.
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Post by Harris » Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:08 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 328, 25 OCT 2013]

Sons And Daughters' "Darling" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Hey Seirichi. Remember how you hate RhyDin?

Seirichi: Yeah. Now that Fio isn't Governor anymore this place really isn't all that great.

Harris: Well, you're in luck. Now that THE GLORIOUS MICHI has arrived I think it's only fitting that she spend some time in the Motherland. So make Nayun pack your bags, we're moving to Adenna for awhile.

Seirichi: Seriously? I mean... I'd have to kick my Mom out of her house and all, but that can be arranged. NAYUN! I know you're listening! Pack my bags!

Harris: Let her stay. We'll get a new house. One specialized for our needs. With a hot tub. And a bowling alley. We can even let Nayun have a little room in the attic. Do houses in Adenna have attics? If not, the basement.

Seirichi: Sorry, but Nayun isn't allowed back. So you're going to have to hire a new maid if we're living in Adenna. Maybe we could drag Aurast back and make him our butler.

Harris: Wait. Nayun's not allowed back? No wonder she spends so much time stalking me instead. What'd she do? Stare the Queen's cat to death?

Seirichi: I'm not going to bore you with the details. We need someone RhyDin side anyway. Who else is going to walk through the marketplace daily and tell everyone they suck compared to us? Really, Harris. Think about these things. You should also be thinking about is how we're going to get a house under the magma guardian's isle so we can have a bitchin' hot spring behind our house.

Harris: Hot spring? That's way better than a hot tub. But, if you're not here, what value does Nayun even have, really? Without you nobody would even know who she is.

Seirichi: Little to no value. But she can become the Queen of the Nerds now. Lording IceDancer over Matt can be her new thing. I think we should have a moment of silence for Matt, because I just felt his heart break after saying that.

Harris: So, will there be a parade scheduled when we arrive? When do I pick the women for my harem? How often will Nima come around to give me back massages? I have a lot of questions about my new place of residence and citizenship.

Seirichi: Spirit Cup will start soon, and that's soccer for you stupid people. So, no. You won't get a parade. Soccer first, you later. Now - me? Of course I'll get a parade. I'm the best, after all. And no - don't even start. I'm going to put a no Nima allowed sign at the front of the house just to make sure it's perfectly clear that she isn't allowed anywhere near you.

Harris: I'm assuming that in lieu of a parade I'll be throwing out the first pitch for the Spirit Cup, right? Or leading the crowd in a rousing rendition of the national anthem? A few bars of "O Canada" play. O Adenna! Our home and native land!

Seirichi: Sure, if you want my Mom to rip off your balls. Don't let that stop you - I'll be happy to sit back and watch.

Harris: That's just how women in Adenna show their affection. Violent interactions with genitals. Don't worry, after having spent so long with you I won't have to deal with that much culture shock. I think I have things figured out, mostly. What's the national bird? Just in case it's on the naturalization test.

Seirichi: The [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is a national bird? What are we, [EXPLETIVE DELETED]? Birds are brids, you shoot them down for food or you shoot them just to shoot them. If you mean what Adenna's power animal is? The winter wolf, though the young like our magma-isle red fire pandas more.

Harris: When I went into my cave to find my power animal it was a penguin. But I think I like the winter wolf better. You think Nayun's finished packing our stuff by now?

Seirichi: If she knows what's good for her. You better sit her down and explain how she needs to keep the Seaside joint clean all year around even if we're not there.

Harris: She doesn't listen to me. Probably because she's not smart enough to comprehend me. You're able to talk down at her level. Anyway. I guess this is a screw you, RhyDin. We're leaving. I mean, we'll rig up some technomagicked contraption so we can still do the show, but we won't physically be here. Because honestly, you don't deserve us full time. And no, you can't visit.

Seirichi: Unless they pay me.

Harris: Adios muchachos. We'll catch you on the flip side.

The segment ends with a commercial for Head Over Heels Drive Through Wedding Chapel.
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Post by Harris » Sun Nov 03, 2013 10:10 pm

[A thirty second bump airs on the radio]

Harris: Remember that time we did The One Word Saga?

Seirichi: What?

Harris: You know, the One Word Saga? The grand, sweeping, community driven story about jiggly trombones and G'nort eating all of King's salacious bits of marmalade?

Seirichi: What?

Harris: Are you doing that "What?" thing again?

Seirichi: What?

Harris: Sigh. Anyway. The One Word Saga is coming back, RhyDin! But we need your help in choosing a new topic! So call us or drop us a line with your suggestions to make the upcoming saga even more ridiculous than the last!

Seirichi: ...what?

Harris: I don't wanna live on this planet anymore.

RhyDin Rewind! Weekday mornings from 8-10 AM only on KLIT-AM 900!
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Post by Harris » Sun Nov 10, 2013 3:04 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 338, 08 NOV 2013]

Lorde's "Glory And Gore" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Don't tell anyone RhyDin, but we have a dirty girl in our studio today. And it's not Seirichi for once. Instead, it's Claire Farron, AKA Captain of Team Dirty, Twilight Island's newest Queen Nerd, and apparently ruler of Seaside? That’s new. APPLAUSE sound effect.

Seirichi: I speak for all of RhyDin when I say this. Boooooooooooooooooooooo.

Claire: I feel like I should be offended by that introduction... but I was told there would be food so...yeah, whatever, Queen Nerd, Team Dirty extraordinaire, Baroness… you guys need a video feed so they can see me flexing.

Seirichi: Our eyes are enough. You should flex without your top on. Dirty girls do that all the time. Are you dirty enough?

Harris: You're lucky you even get an introduction. If Seirichi had it her way this interview would consist of asking if the carpet matches the drapes and then escorting you out to lunch before attempting to find out.

Claire: I'd hate to be outdone by yours, Seirichi... dear gods, do those things have their own zip code now? Snicker. And I wish I could say that'd be unusual, Harris.

Seirichi: She's trying hard to get on my good side. Good thing all of my sides are my good side. I already think she's a better Archmage than the rest. Harris, tell her she's the best Archmage.

Harris: Better than... I'm drawing a blank here. Who did she beat for ArchMage? Neo? Did you beat Neo, Claire?

Seirichi: I'm pretty sure Neo was the Archmage before her.

Harris: In that case, I have to say Neo was the best ArchMage ever.

Claire: Lots of good sides sure... and don't worry about the extra baby weight, I'm sure it'll come off in no time. Looks good with the chest. Pauses. Ummm, I beat Xanthy. Hi Xanth! He's probably not listening, huh...

Seirichi: Xanth was the Archmage? Isn't he too busy burning down libraries?

Claire: Yes, yes, libraries and such. Why're we talking about magic, I thought it's for nerds.

Seirichi: We've lost touch of what's going on over on Nerd Island, Harris. Maybe we should show our faces soon and show them what real duelists look like.

Harris: Actually, we're here to talk to Claire about the newly returned Iron Fists League and how she thinks her team will fare this season. What made you throw your hat into the ring for IFL, Claire?

Seirichi: She probably figured out that Fists is the only true sport and wanted to take a shot at REAL glory?

Claire: Honestly, I have no [EXPLETIVE DELETED] idea. I might have been drunk.

Harris: Good answer. That explains your roster.

Seirichi: That sounds like Harris when he knocked me up.

Claire: I'd have to be drunk for that too, don't feel bad. And what's wrong with my roster?

Harris: Khoom.

Seirichi: Pedophile.

Claire: Not. Perv... sure. Pedo... no.

Harris: There's your first mistake. Assuming Khoom has limits.

Seirichi: Are you willing to bet your Archmage title on this? HUH?! Who else is on her team? I haven't paid attention to anything that isn't Top Flight.

Claire: I think Harris should ask me that, because last I checked, you couldn't go for the title...

Seirichi: No, you just hand over your key if I'm right. Like [EXPLETIVE DELETED] am I going to chunk rocks and kick sand on that Isle again. Did you know that's how I won my Keepership? Easiest title and title defense I've ever had. HARRIS STOP STARING AT HER BOOBS.

Harris: Sorry, but this is the only way I can keep this professional and not denigrate her team for being 0-2 this season already. Though, speaking of rosters, isn't Jewell on your team, Claire? We'll trade you three sticks of gum and Cor's left leg, from the knee down, for Jewell.

Claire: Why's she mad? I think she's mad, Harris. And yes, Jewell's on my team. She's a doll, I love her and you can't have her.

Harris: We'll give you, uhh, Nayun.

Claire: ...I see.

Seirichi: Yeah. Nayun. She'll clean your gutters and make you food. Also you can order her to challenge for stuff in your name.

Harris: I can't think of anyone else on your team with any actual value, so this will be as far as our negotiations go. The big question is... Do you think your team can make the playoffs in this return season of IFL, Claire?

Claire: Extended laughter. Um. Clears her throat. We uh... are going to get out there and um kick some [EXPLETIVE DELETED], crap where is my note card. Rummaging. Aha! It's my hope that we'll improve quickly throughout the season and I have high hopes for a playoff berth. Yeah that.

Seirichi: Don't be too hard on her, Harris. Her team lost to one full of Ayas. I'd think any team would be scared to fight a team of Aya clones. Once they get past the clones... MAYBE they can do well.

Harris: Aren't we dueling them next week?

Seirichi: I don't know. I don't even remember what was on TV this morning.

Claire: Oh... protip... supposedly Morgan on AZN is actually a dude... so um, try to remember that or he gets whiny.

Seirichi: One of the Ayas is a guy? Wait... AYA IS A GUY? Harris, did you know this?

Harris: Morgan le Fay is on Team Asian? I feel like as Captain I should've paid closer attention to the other team rosters. This is all new information.

Claire: You should have. You're a terrible captain.

Harris: Don't tell fibs, Claire. On a completely unrelated note, we used to live in Seaside you know. It's a good thing we moved before you took the district from King.

Seirichi: AKA, The Raging Lesbian.

Harris: Sure, that. But anyway, you probably have some mayhem planned for Seaside now, right? Round up all the virgins for Khoom as payment for his mentoring you over on Twilight Isle or something?

Claire: What? Why would I give them to him when they can be kept for myself? Mayhem... yes. But just for me. I'm selfish like that.

Seirichi: I think we're getting too far ahead. Wait a second, back up. Let me ask the most important question. Claire... does the carpet match the drapes?

Claire: Erm... that implies there is carpet. Ya wanna come find out for yourself?"

Seirichi: I want to dive deep. Head first. All on my own. It's called investigative reporting I think! Quick, cut to commercials so I can get a good look!

Harris: Now you've gone and gotten her all riled up, Claire. Good job.

Claire: I'm the captain of Team Dirty for a reason.

Harris: We'll be back after this brief commercial break and an extended motorboating session, apparently.

The segment ends with a commercial for Moondoggie's Gourmet Doughnut Holes.
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Post by Harris » Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:17 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 343, 15 NOV 2013]

Journey's "Stone In Love" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: I only recently realized that some people aren't aware of the fact that I'm not actually from RhyDin. It’s not where I was born. So naturally the question becomes, where was I born exactly?

Seirichi: Let me think… One of the moons? How else would you have blue hair? Oooor, you're from some water world? No, no. Let me guess again. You're from a world full of underground cities where you dug up and flew around in a giant robot?

Harris: It’s dumb guesses like those that inspired me to hire a genealogist and properly trace back my family tree. It took the woman I hired 3 1/2 months of research and enough funding that I should probably be in debtors' prison right now to dig up all the sordid details. She managed to retrieve records as far back as the biblical era. When I’m pretty sure they only had oral records back then.

Seirichi: I don’t even know what the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] the biblical era is. Wait. Did you just admit to getting oral from a genie?

Harris: Wow. Just… wow. I said a GENEALOGIST. They specialize in family history. And how do you not know what the biblical era is? Adam & Eve? The first man? Woman’s first deception, getting man cast out of the Garden of Eden?

Seirichi: Why is it the WOMAN'S fault? That's pretty sexist. It must have been the guy’s fault they screwed up, it's always the guy’s fault. They just like placing the blame on the ladies.

Harris: Listen, all I know is that’s where it all starts. With Adam. Apparently after he was cast out he realized that Eve was bringing him down. So he fell into the arms of Aphrodite. She then gave birth to the first pirate king, who was my great great great great great great great great great grandfather. Bluebeard McAllister, Ruffian of the Forty Seas. They had a lot more water back then I guess.

Seirichi: I don't even know who or what an Aphrodite is. Sounds like an STD. Whatever, so your great times whatever grandfather was a pirate king. Did he blow anything up?

Harris: You know, Aphrodite. The Goddess of Love. She's like a more attractive version of you, times infinity. So Nima, basically. And Bluebeard was a pirate, of course he blew things up. She found a marriage certificate from one of the ports he raided, where apparently in a drunken stupor he married a velociraptor. Which finally explains where my dinosaur blood comes from. Useful knowledge.

Seirichi: Still never heard of Aphrodite. Must be because she's not real since nothing and no one can out class, out sexy, and out beautify me. Wait… you're a dinosaur? Can you spit ink like that one in the movies?

Harris: Don't be silly. You're the spitter between the two of us. Anyway, she explained that the records get a little spotty since they ended up traversing the space time continuum and getting lost for a few centuries, only to come back and give birth to Charlemagne. She also traced a link back to Davy Crockett. At the end of the day what really matters is that I have noble blood running through my veins. Noble raptor blood. Noble raptor demi-god Alamo blood.

Seirichi: So… does that mean you're the king of all dinosaurs or something? If not, I'm not really following.

Harris: It's pretty simple, really. After tracing my lineage back as far as it'll go it's only natural and logical that I assume my rightful place on the throne as Adenna's king. Because from a hereditary perspective, who's more qualified than I am? Who has a better pedigree? So, let's make this a bloodless coup and just install me on the throne officially.

Seirichi: Well. I wouldn't say you were wrong, except for the fact that the King and Queen of Adenna for the past, I don't know, LONG TIME, have been decided due to war-time merits instead of who has the rightful claim. I mean, I'm a princess. So is my mother. Michi is, in a way, one too. We allow the royalty their spots since their military know how is more important than a figurehead.

Harris: So what you're saying is that I should be in charge of my own battalion and wage war against Adenna's enemies. I'll take that too. Give me a commission, I'll be an officer. I mean, I'm part pirate. I meet all the necessary qualifications. You got artillery? I'll be in charge of an artillery battalion.

Seirichi: Sure, why not? It sounds like fun. We can send you straight into the desert and out of my hair for a good two, three years? How does that sound? And no, you'll have to talk with Nayun about getting guns. Then maybe when you come back a war hero, we'll think about letting you be king. Voice lowers. Any casket sellers out there? I'd like a cheap one.

Harris: You’re suggesting I spend three years out in the hot desert with a battalion full of warrior women, whereupon my duties will consist of evenly applying tanning lotion to their glistening backs in between spurts of violently dispatching Adenna’s enemies? SIGN ME UP!

Seirichi: Our best warriors are women, but we’ll be sure to send you with an all-male group! You can have special bonding time.

Harris: Don’t be foolish. I’ll handpick my own troops. You can stay here and take care of Michi and Kellie while I go out and bring more glory to Adenna than you ever could.

Seirichi: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Are we done with your history lesson or can I do what I always did during history class? Cut and go swimming.

Harris: Now that I'm a Major in the Army I think we're done. Don't forget to salute me when you see me on the streets, people! We'll be back after this quick break. Away from the mic. Hey, how many troops do you think we’d need to capture RhyDin?

The segment ends with a commercial for Starshine Instant TV Dinners.
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Post by Harris » Mon Nov 25, 2013 12:17 am

[A thirty second bump airs on the radio.]

Harris: Urgh. It's the holidays. So we have to insert an obligatory holiday plug here. And pretend to be festive.

Seirichi: Not me, since you took down all the lights at MY house in Seaside. I refuse!

Harris: Well, you have sharp knees like the Grinch so I guess that's appropriate. Anyway, the Wonderplex is one of the many spots to hit up this year for their Wonder In Lights Yule event and a HUGE Snowball Royale on December 13th!

Seirichi: Can we make people eat yellow snow? Also, what's the Wonderplex?

Harris: Uhh, you know. That rollercoaster park we went to?

Seirichi: ...

Harris: With the Plex Girls?

Seirchi: Ooooooh! They can eat my yellow snow any day. Double wink.

Harris: I still don't understand how you can manage to be so erotic and gross at the same time.

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