RhyDin Rewind

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Post by Seirichi » Thu May 02, 2013 4:12 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 201, 02 MAY 2013]

Ke$ha's "Cannibal" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: We're back with a segment that will tantalize your taste buds, RhyDin. Recipes from Adenna, with everyone's favorite autistic dietitian, Nayun! For those of you that don't know, Nayun's offended by your fat blubbery hide and is actively working to combat obesity on Twilight Island, starting by challenging current Keeper of Air Lem DeAngelo! She's also responsible for all the meals Seirichi stuffs her face with, as her slave/babysitter/slave. Welcome to the show, Nayun! What's on the menu for today?

Seirichi: Talk into the mic. No, lean closer. Didn't you pay attention earlier? Don't give me that look. No, I'm not going to lean in so you can tell me something. Look, just talk into the mic.

Nayun: I'm not a slave. And I would like it known that I may cook for Miss Seirichi but she still finds ways to access unhealthy food.

Seirichi: BUZZER sound effect. Wrong. You're supposed to tell us what you've cooked for us today!

Harris: Don't worry Nayun. I help her burn off the extra calories with a vigorous series of, uhh, squats and lunges. I'm the reason her glutes stay toned. But like she said, we're here to talk about some Adennian specialty dishes!

Nayun: I have prepared and cooked a domestic short hair feline. I dislike their size. In Adenna cats are twice as big.

Seirichi: Tell them where you found it.

Nayun: It was attempting to seek a mate for breeding. Their population should be kept down, as they are are a nuisance. I found this one on the property of my dojo. Yun was not pleased with its intrusion.

Seirichi: Oh. I'd like to point out that she said Adennian cats are bigger. That's because everything in Adenna is bigger. You heard that right, ladies. *BIGGER*.

Harris: I've always had a taste for kitty. How did you prepare this delicious animal, Nayun? Also, if anyone out there is missing a cat named... What does the collar say that you brought? Harley? If anyone out there is missing a cat named Harley, well... It's gonna stay missing.

Nayun: You told me the show has a time limit and that I would not be able to skin, gut, and prepare fully... that is why I did so in advance--

Seirichi: ...Hear that? That's the sound of our loyal listeners probably falling asleep. Kid, just give us the short details!

Nayun: Skinning. You first take a sharp knife--

Seirichi: We know. Skin, gut 'em, make sure they don't have ticks and other parasites. We know that. Harris. Tell her to just get to the good parts.

Harris: That all falls under the umbrella of "prep work", Nayun. We wanna get to the tasty part. Do you normally grill it? Fry it? What's the healthiest method?

Seirichi: Psst. Stop staring at us. Just answer the damn question. This is the first and last time I'm putting you on the air.

Nayun: Grilling. Frying absorbs fat and in the end not as healthy as grilling. Once the meat is properly prepped I soaked it within red wine for six hours. It was kept in cold temperature.

Seirichi: ...I'm bored.

Harris: What parts do we eat? The eyeballs? I bet they're the most delicious. And squishy.

Nayun: I dislike the eyes.

Harris: Don't eat the eyes, RhyDin!

Nayun: I would not say they shouldn't. Some might find the eyes enjoyable. I personally do not. I do not like them.

Seirichi: Spoken with hand over microphone. Freckles. Order me a pizza? Yeah, I want the meat lovers.

Harris: See if they can put some extra cat tails on that pizza! Ahem. So, prep, soak, grill, and serve. Sounds easy enough. Will you be favoring Twilight Island with this recipe, Nayun?

Nayun: They already eat far too much. I have been told that leftovers from the meals are given to local shelters, but that does not excuse the fact that those people are eating for the sake of eating. You eat to live, not live to eat.

Seirichi: Twilight Isle. Fat Neckbearded Nerds. You heard it here first! Lem, do something about the weight problem on the Isle before it hits RhyDin!

Nayun: I am preparing this meal for Isuelt of the Scathachian Sanctuary. Her physical aesthetics shows me a warrior who knows how to properly care for oneself.

Harris: Yes. I've taken detailed notes on Issy's "physical aesthetics" which I frequently review privately for hours at a time. But anyway, don't be fat and unsightly, RhyDin! Or Nayun will find you and... I dunno, spaz out and have a fit I guess. She's got that retard strength like Roderick Douglas found out, so beware!

Seirichi: DOUBLE FIVE OH's! Also, I'd like to say it's nice to know Nayun is no longer girl crushing on Candy and at least traded up to someone who looks like they can bench press a cat. By the way, since this segment was boring I'm going to say penis for the next minute before we cut to commercial. I want to make sure the age groups of 12-24 of our male listeners didn't die off from having to hear about cooking.

Harris: And before Seirichi can effectively alienate our male audience by talking about non-female genitals, I'm going to cut to commercial. Might I kindly suggest you opt to talk about your boobs next time?

Seirichi: What? How they are swelling up due to this pregnancy? I like how they sized up.

Harris: Great, now Nayun's staring again.

The segment ends with a commercial for Chestnut Grove Retirement Homes.
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Post by Seirichi » Wed May 08, 2013 5:29 am

[A 1 minute bump airs on the radio.]

Still lighting up the morning airwaves, The RhyDin Rewind only gets better!

Harris: With Mother's Day on the horizon on May 12th we bring to you "The Top Ten Least Appropriate Mother's Day Gifts!"

Seirichi: If you get your Mom anything on this list you're bad and should feel bad.

Harris: Number ten! Nothing. Your love doesn't count as a gift, cheapskate.

Seirichi: A cane. You'll think it's a great gag gift until she starts beating the crap out of you with it.

Harris: Underwear. I don't wanna know how you know her bra size... and neither does she.

Seirichi: Another cat! Six is probably enough, unless you plan on sending her to the sanitarium before next Mother's Day.

Harris: Shanachie Theater tickets to Oedipus The King. You probably don't want to see this on Father's Day either.

Seirichi: A tombstone!? Hopefully it's the kind with pepperoni and extra cheese!

Harris: The same thing you got her last year. Trust me, she'll remember even if you don't.

Seirichi: Signing her up for hormone replacement therapy. Menopause may be getting her down, but I think the trannies in the waiting room might make it worse.

Harris: Matthew Simon's autograph. Because she's just gonna be disappointed when she finds out it's the Overlord's instead.

Seirichi: And last but certainly not least... Well, I guess it is the least actually. The least appropriate gift for Mother's Day is... The 2013 RhyDin Rewind Calendar! Featuring me. You may not be able to buy one for your Mom, but buy one for everyone else!

RhyDin Rewind!

Harris: Hey, don't you have two Moms? What'd you get them this year?

Every weekday morning, 8-10 AM!

Seirichi: Uh.. I gave them me. I'm the best gift they could ever ask for.

KLIT-AM 900! We're not that hard to find!
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Post by Seirichi » Fri May 17, 2013 3:40 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 212, 17 MAY 2013]

Heart's "Barracuda" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: We're back RhyDin. And in the studio today we have the Scathachian Sanctuary's own Isuelt DeRomiano, who has been kind enough to take time away from her busy schedule of being Nayun's most recent girl crush to answer what may be the most important question that has ever faced this city. Can Issy beat Seirichi in an arm wrestling match?

Issy: Uhm... Pause. I.. .I didn't think that... Pause. I wouldn't want to hurt her.

Seirichi: That depends. Would I be too busy staring at her chest or not? If you keep those puppies hidden, I'd say I will most likely win. They are a deadly weapon. BO-YO-YOING sound effect. Also, please take good care of Nayun. I'll buy you two a pony for a wedding gift.

Harris: Well, I don't think they do anything at the Sanctuary fully clothed anyway, Seirichi. True or false, Issy?

Issy: True. Not all Scathachian weapons are made of iron, you know.

Seirichi: How much for a visit? I'm talking front view, pull peep show.

Issy: Free. Well, I'm guessing the getting out fee is what you're after.

Seirichi: If there's hot springs involved I don't think I'll ever leave.

Harris: Better question. Since I take it you ladies smith your own weapons, how much for some Scathachian steel?

Issy: She chuckles. Our weaponry for sale? That's actually not a bad idea... And the hot springs, well... those are in Old Temple. Public and all that. The private sections are up in the Northwest Cliffs. And all we'd require is that you'd exchange a few pointers with us. For battle's sake. Or for dueling's sake, I guess.

Seirichi: I'll give you girls a tip right now. Punch them in the face before they punch you. That, and go for the choke slams. There's nothing more stylish than completely humiliating your enemy! Harris, once Issy becomes my maid-in-law after marrying Nayun, we can have all the steel we want.

Issy: I'm so glad you've thought this all out, cher.

Seirichi: Always ten steps ahead.

Issy: Bet you're a hell of a chess player, too.

Seirichi: Chess is for nerds. It's all about checkers. Wait, what are we talking about again? Right. How much do you lift?

Issy: Laughs. Well, probably you. Benching, right?

Seirichi: I'm in love. Harris, get your things out of my place. I have a new lover now.

Issy: She laughs. Possibly a snort.

Harris: I'll move out if you can beat her in an arm wrestling match. Until then, what else is going on in the Sanctuary these days, Issy?

Issy: I'm sorry. That blue hair is blinding me. Say that again?

Seirichi: It really is distracting. I've tried getting him to dye it red.

Harris: Ahem. I asked what was going on in the Sanctuary. Every once in awhile we try to educate RhyDin. You know, instead of randomly assuming all you ladies do every day is oil wrestle. Which really is totally okay with me.

Issy: We are working with Rhiannon Brock, she is bringing her class up to the Sanctuary on a semi-regular basis. We're teaching them the basics of self-defense. And it's jello wrestling. Sarcastically.

Seirichi: NOW we really need to visit. Wait, not we. Me. Harris, you stay away. I don't need you cramping my style. Anyway, what kind of basics are we talking about? Kick in the nuts and run or armbars everywhere?

Harris: I've been visiting the Sanctuary since before you knew it existed, actually. Also, armbars are useful knowledge.

Issy: Mostly techniques that would aid in defense. Yes, kicks to the groin as well. Though, we try to use those as last resort. There are many more useful and tactical moves. Particularly pressure points. Always a favorite of the Scathachians.

Seirichi: Be sure to add the follow up stomp to the nuts after you get them floored. It's a one, two combo. Never forget. Quick. Do any of these pressure points you teach have different uses? I'm talking about pleasure points. Something I can use on Harris to make him crumple to the floor for a few hours?

Harris: I don't think the Kama Sutra is part of the Scathachian reading material. Or is it, Issy? TRUE OR FALSE?

Issy: Uh...

Harris: Just say yes. You'll get more visitors that way. To buy your weapons that have just gone on sale.

Issy: Yes. Either that, or I'll have to turn it into a cat house. Somewhat garbled as she leans closer to the microphone. I'M KIDDING!

Harris: Grandmistress Isuelt "Thighs of Steel" DeRomiano has spoken!

Seirichi: You heard it here, folks! Should we call the Sanctuary the new Red Light district?

Issy: Oh for... Muttered. Great Hera... No, no. I'm simply trying to... well, fit in with the rest of your guests and such. Although, I can think of at least one of my Sisters who is probably getting a royal, rolling laugh out of all this.

Harris: I totally understand now why Nayun has taken such detailed notes on your "physical aesthetics".

Seirichi: She used the word "aesthetics?". Sorry, Issy. She seriously is into you if she says that.

Issy: Nayun? Pause. She's come to our Sanctuary before. She seems to be a determined young woman. However, she should probably be told that I don't necessarily play for that team.

Seirichi: Well, she doesn't know she plays for that team either. So it's perfectly okay. You two can be confused together. Now, beyond the subject of my fantasies of you and my maid together, I hear you're involved in something else? Something about sewers?

Issy: Lengthy silence. Clears throat. Yes... well... Yes. We've uh... A short sigh. We've begun the project due to the overwhelming damage and abuse on the city's system from years of neglect paired with the storm Hannibal. Clears her throat again. We're mapping the system to see where repairs are needed.

Harris: And to find Master Splinter. A noble quest. Cowabunga!

Issy: And to... wait, what?

Seirichi: He's a strong teacher. You better watch out for the alligators... Wait, I hope you find some. Make sure someone has a camera on them to record the wrestling match. Remember. When they bite, they roll. So just go along with it.

Issy: I'm sure that we will very possibly encounter alligators... and other creatures. It's part of what we are doing to keep the city safe. The uh... Rhydin Aqueducts Corps of Engineers is really spearheading the effort. Myself and a small team are... well, helping.

Harris: Well, I'm sure RhyDin is thankful that you and the Sanctuary are on the job. But as important as that is, it pales in comparison to the task I originally brought you on here for. Arm wrestling Seirichi. I am serious about this.

Issy: Pause. Harris?

Seirichi: Excuse him. He has this power trip fantasy. Nothing turns him on more than two strong ladies going at it.

Harris: I will not confirm or deny any of my fetishes on air. But this still needs to happen. Uhh, for charity, maybe? CHARITY ARM WRESTLING MATCH!

Issy: Actually, THAT is a rather good idea.

Seirichi: What kind of charity? This isn't one of your made up ones, right?

Harris: The Badonkadonk Foundation is not made up.

Issy: What about the RhyDin Orphanage? See what happens when you queue up your bright ideas, Harris?

Seirichi: I'm not doing anything without food in my stomach.

Issy: Rhydin Orphanage and Ribfest?

Seirichi: Deal!

Harris: We've got plenty of time to sort out the details, which we'll be doing over lunch. But until then, we'll have Freckles get a poll up for all our listeners! Who do you think would win in a charity arm wrestling match between Issy and Seirichi? Call in and make your pick, then stay tuned for the details of this matchup! Thanks again for dropping by to visit with us Issy. But when Seirichi's stomach rumbles it's time to close the segment and feed her.

Seirichi: Can we eat sushi off her chiseled abs?

Issy: Never thought I'd be considered a platter...

Harris: You can share my spring roll.

The segment ends with a commercial for The Badonkadonk Foundation.
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Post by Harris » Sat May 25, 2013 3:00 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 217, 24 MAY 2013]

Jay-Z & Kanye West's "Who Gon Stop Me" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Our intern Freckles passed along to us today a letter dropped off at the station by one Ilinoira Abernova Tiranel Sibreth. Apparently she cast a terrible, terrible summoning spell to find a host of lost texts from her homeland... which went awry and seems to have summoned a lot of other written works to her room instead, leaving a strange paper trail through RhyDin.

Seirichi: Nerds at work. Nerding it up for the rest of us. Why can't these nerds, you know... be nerds someplace else? Maybe far, far away? Unless the summoning spell is getting me pizza in under ten minutes.

Harris: We've opened up the phone lines today for anyone that's had some important written work go missing that'd like to call in and let us know about it. Don't worry, we'll let you know where you need to go to pick it up at the end of the segment, but before then we're gonna milk this magical debacle for all it's worth.

Seirichi: Can we put up a no nerds allowed rule for the callers? I don't want to hear a bunch of snot nosed mouth breathers asking for their porn collections back.

Harris: We've already got someone on the line, apparently. Calling from--

Caller #1: I am the playwright Gustav Socrates Lancelot The Third! And I am calling to report the tragic loss of what may be the most important manuscript in the history of RhyDin!

Seirichi: Wait. Harris, are we missing copies of my RhyDin Rewind Super Spectacular 2013 Calendar?

Caller #1: Harlot! I am in the process of adapting one of Earth's great film documentaries into a stage play the Shanachie Theater will pay treasure chests of gold bullion for! Battlefield Earth: A Tragedy By Gustav Socrates Lancelot The Third! Pages 12 through 26 floated away before I could catch them!

Harris: Extended silence. I have no words. Except maybe... burn it with fire?

Seirichi: Isn't that the movie with the guys with huge foreheads? I'm glad it went missing, because that was terrible. You cut this guy off already, right? Can we get to the next call?

Harris: Noira, if you find that guy's play please banish it to the phantom zone or something. Yeah, next call please.

Caller #2: Before you cut me off, yes I am calling about my, uhh, adult magazine collection. But not about the pictures! I'm all about the articles, you see... and if I can't figure out Suki Slider's turn ons and offs, how will I be able to tap that?!

Harris: PlayElf doesn't have articles. Does it?

Seirichi: Don't ask me... I have Freckles load up that stuff on the computer box.

Harris: Honestly, I feel bad for this mage chick now after that last call. I just hope that whatever God she believes in was kind enough to keep anything in Dris's collection from reaching her door.

Seirichi: So, beyond the pervert who, I seriously doubt, reads porn for the articles... Who is the next caller?

Harris: We've got Luciano, out of Old Temple. Whatcha got for us today?

Caller #3: I'm not calling about having any books missing. I'm calling about having my teeth missing! Does this warlock or whatever know what it was like for us at the RhyDin Public Library when her spell went totally nutso?! I had a First Edition of Shakespeare's Collected Works run me down on its way out the door!

Harris: Oh snap. Laughter. That's kind of hilarious actually. It must've been like the angry hand of God at the libraries and bookstores in town.

Seirichi: That's what they get for being nerds! APPLAUSE sound effect.

Caller #3: I'm gonna give that woman a piece of my mind when I find her!

Harris: I should warn all our vindictive listeners out there... she did mention that she's a *battle* mage.

Seirichi: A nerd who knows how to use a sword. Spooky thing.

Harris: She was more specific than that. She threatened to literally set anyone on fire that tried any funny stuff. But if you're feeling froggy, she's currently holed up in room 23 at the Red Dragon Inn. Feel free to go there to retrieve your missing items and attempt to exact revengeance!

Seirichi: Why can't they just sue her? This battlemage should pay for all the damage she caused! You hear that, RhyDin? START A RIOT! Hey, wait... Freckles, is that why you didn't answer my texts that night?

Harris: Epic facepalm. And on that note, we're cutting to commercial. Back after these messages RhyDin!

Seirichi: What? It worked for texts, right? RIGHT?! Freckles, why are you looking at me like that?

The segment ends with a commercial for Two Hearts, One Tail Alternative Dating Service.
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Post by Harris » Fri May 31, 2013 3:49 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 222, 31 MAY 2013]

The Beach Boys' "I Get Around" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: With the RhyDin Transit Service opening up their new Dagger's Edge Waystation, I got to thinking. This town is awful to try and get around in. I mean, the RTS is great if you're poor and need a place to sleep, but there are tons of better ways to get around RhyDin.

Seirichi: I'm sure as [EXPLETIVE DELETED] not using it. What? Does it sound like I want to sit elbow to elbow with LIGHTNING CRASH sound effect. POOR people? Seriously, those trains must smell something fierce if they are letting people on free of charge. Hopefully the people who hop the train can take a free ride all the way down to the free clinic.

Harris: RhyDin's transportation is varied and eclectic. Do you know some people still actually ride *horses* to get from place to place?

Seirichi: Horses? Pfft. We have our most gifted warriors in Adenna ride around on tiger back. It's faster, fiercer, and way more bad[EXPLETIVE DELETED] than some horse can be. But, I do have a horse - the greatest war horse of all time. There's a difference between a horse who can ride into battle with a good bit of armor on them and your... Tsk, RhyDin horses. You can't see this right now - but I'm waving my hand. What's next. You're going to tell me people in this city WALK too?

Harris: You have no idea how much I'd pay for horse armor. But still, I just can't understand how, with so many excellent options, people insist on living in the Dark Ages and riding the lamest domesticated animals. Or, God forbid, walking everywhere. People of RhyDin! Teleportation has been invented!

Seirichi: Teleportation sounds pretty nerdy though. That sounds a lot like magic nonsense to me. You becoming a nerd, Harris?

Harris: How do you think your pizza gets to the station so fast, Seirichi? You know a pizza place is good when they're smart enough to invest in teleporters.

Seirichi: Ten minutes or less, or I'm not paying! Alright, I guess some teleportation can be okay... as long as nerdy mages aren't using it. What about hover bikes? I've seen some hover bikes zooming around. You ever see those drift?

Harris: I've seen them crash and explode. Just say no to hover bikes, people. If you're interested in air travel your best investment would be a magic carpet. Talk about a throwback. They also don't burst into flames when you crash them.

Seirichi: I'm not going to trust my life to some magic carpet. [EXPLETIVE DELETED], if I see some chick riding by on one I'm going to point up and yell "HEY! LOOK AT THAT CARPET MUNCHER!"

Harris: It comes with seatbelts. And you already have an excellent set of airbags. Snickering. Though, if a magic carpet is too unnerving I'm also a fan of purchasing a griffin. Head and wings of an eagle. Body of a lion. It's your transportation, companion, and self-defense all rolled up into one.

Seirichi: Sounds boring. Throw in a paint job to give it a few red stripes and you got a deal.

Harris: It's less boring than walking. You know what we need to do? Set a new standard in excellence for transportation. An example people can follow and be inspired by.

Seirichi: Uh.. I don't think allowing everyone to take a ride on you is going to work. I've already claimed that spot each night, and sometimes after the show if I'm feeling up to it.

Harris: We need something for you to ride during the day though. Something almost as magnificent as me. Which is why, from this point forward, we will travel exclusively in a gold plated helicopter. We cleared out that space on the roof for a helipad. People will say, "Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's THE PIMPEST [EXPLETIVE DELETED] I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

Seirichi: ... Gold plated? Seriously? Can we stop the show right now? I've always wanted to do it in a gold plated helicopter.

Harris: You wanted a gold plated bidet for the ladies room. I just took that idea and made it better, like I do with everything.

Seirichi: I've already taken off my panties.

Harris: You 'bout to join the mile high club gurrrrrl.

Seirichi: Let's go! Distant voice and door slam.

Harris: That's all we've got for today, folks! But stick around for the newest sounds from KLIT-AM's freshest DJ, The Strip Club Crypt Keeper, Nell! Peace!

The segment ends with a commercial for the Illumina Midnight Carnival.
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Post by Harris » Wed Jun 05, 2013 4:19 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 225, 5 JUN 2013]

Rise Against's "From Heads Unworthy" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: As dueling's current power couple I don't think anyone is surprised at the fact that we're often accosted on the streets by people that wanna know our secrets to success in the rings. I mean, winning 19 titles kind of proves you know what you're doing.

Seirichi: How many of those titles are mine? I'm sort of drawing blanks on anything that isn't my three fist victories. You know, Pathfinder, ShadoWeaver. Oh. I won the Diamond too. I almost forgot about that one.

Harris: All 19 are mine. But we can toss in your three in the Outback and one on the Isle. Which brings our grand total up to 23 titles between us.

Seirichi: 23 sounds much better than 19.. You can thank me later.

Harris: In any case, having won all three supreme titles I can be the first to say that each sport takes a completely different skillset to be successful at. And since I'm feeling magnanimous today we'll help all you fledgling fighters out there with a few helpful hints.

Seirichi: We should start with Magic. You know, the one where I won my title by throwing sand and rocks? Really, it's the easiest of the sports. Seriously, look at those who participate in it. They even have a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] buffet there to make sure the mouthbreathers are well fed after doing nothing but standing and wiggling their fingers. Magic is to skill as panties are to my sister. Harris, please tell me you get the joke.

Harris: Uhh... edible?

Seirichi: ...She doesn't wear panties. So, let's do the math. Duels minus skill equals, what?

Harris: Christ. Nobody said I was going to have to do math on today's show. Duels minus skill equals... Nima without panties? Is that, like, an integer?

Seirichi: I'M IMPLYING THAT DUEL OF MAGIC TAKES NO SKILL. Get it? Magic is to skill, as panties are to Nima? She doesn't wear panties and -- you know what? I should of asked that new girl to do this with me, because she might of gotten the joke. Whatever. On to the next part. Lay down your nerd-knowledge for the people.

Harris: All I got from that is Nima doesn't wear panties. Knowledge I shall keep with me forever. As for Magic, I give everyone the same advice when they approach me. When you get to the portal to reach Twilight Isle, turn around, because it means you went past the Outback or Arena, which is where you should've been going anyway.

Seirichi: There. Print that. Best advice I've ever heard. Can we now get to the subject of real sports? Instead of, you know. The redheaded stepchild that is better sitting in some corner while the big kids talk.

Harris: If DoM is a ginger then it's fair to say that the Duel of Swords is that blonde with the sweet rack that everyone wants a shot at. Because Swords is this town's oldest bloodsport. Way back before anyone figured out what gunpowder was or how it worked, people were stabbing each other in the face with pointy things in the Arena.

Seirichi: Hey, wait. We need to do a recount. All of Nayun's victories in DoS are mine. Last I checked, ownership over someone means ownership over their achievements. Ah... I was the best Baron of Old Temple and Dragon's Gate. As for tips? My three tips to be good in swords are this. 1: Don't be related or associate yourself with Tass. 2: GET GOOD. And if all else fails? 3: Be from Adenna.

Harris: Swords is a career making sport. One stint as Overlord there can set you for life. Realistically, the first step you should take is grovel at the feet of some Baron with low self esteem so they'll make you their squire. Basically ape the relationship Matt has with his squire, Rhiannon. Then get that squire weapon and swing for the fences like a champ!

Seirichi: She's still his squire? How long has that been going on? Why isn't she a Warlord yet? Matt is dropping the ball.

Harris: Well, Matt hasn't exactly made a career out of winning important matches himself in DoS, so he can't really hold Rhiannon to that same standard. It's a perfect match!

Seirichi: It really is. I smell love in the air. We should send both of them on the RhyDin Rewind Love Cruise!

Harris: So you can move in on Koy? No thanks. Anyway, last but certainly not least is obviously the only sport that matters. That sultry brunette in the room wearing nothing but stockings and high heels known as the Duel of Fists. Unfortunately, until you've achieved Legendary God status, normal human beings have little chance to succeed in the sport.

Seirichi: Fists is the best sport. Hands down. Nothing else can compete. Sword kiddies and you Magic retards can go hang your head in shame, because you're never -- and I mean NEVER - EVER going to touch the greatness that is.. Hushed voice. Fists. APPLAUSE sound effect. It's the only sport that shows the difference between the girls and the women. Build those muscles and learn how to take a punch before you walk into these rings... Because, guess what? Wards can go [EXPLETIVE DELETED] themselves.

Harris: No +5 healing in the Outback. It just takes more fortitude to show up there and take a beating inside The Pit. You will limp home. You will call out of work the next day. You will learn pain. The best advice to prepare yourself for the rigors of DoF is to play chicken with a train and let the train win. That's the only way you'll know what it feels like after a Diamond Quest.

Seirichi: We're both Diamond Quest winners, so you know we speak the truth. If you ever see us on the street, don't hesitate to ask us to flash our bling. We earned them while beating down the best of the best. Also be sure to ask Candy Hart why she doesn't have one. Her reaction is always the best. But my tip for Fists? If you see that sexy fortune cookie Lena Choi, ask to join her... uh... what's it called? Tai Chi? Her Tai Chi class. Right. She's one of the Outback's newest Emeralds and by far one of the greatest new talents. She'll teach you a few moves that might help you break past Jade. But, since most of you suck, I really doubt even she can help you.

Harris: We've given you the best advice we can RhyDin. Now it's up to you. Either the Arena, Outback, Twilight Island, or the Annex is open every day of the week. So stop by, learn the ropes, grab a drink, and if you're feeling brave, hop into the ring yourself! You may find out you like the taste of your own blood!

Seirichi: Either that or they will like the sight of their own blood on our fists. It's a win/win.

The segment ends with a commercial for the Rubber Ducky Ultimate Children's Bathtub Playset.
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Post by Harris » Sat Jun 15, 2013 8:29 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 232, 14 JUN 2013]

Nine Inch Nails' "We're In This Together" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: It's down to two contenders for this year's coveted Governor's spot that Fio has abandoned! If you haven't heard, only Rekah Silverblades and former 2-time Governor Matt Simon are left standing. Both just went toe-to-toe in a debate recently, and we decided to, uhh, request the assistance from former Governor Sheridan Driscoll to... DRUMROLL sound effect. ...RATE THE DEBATE! I would welcome Dris to the show but he seemed comfortable enough to show up today without any pants. And then demanded to share mine.

Dris: They look roomy. Surely there's room for two in there.

Harris: There's no room. Have you seen how large Seirichi has gotten while carrying my child? She takes up all the space usually.

Seirichi: When's DoF? Wait... I'm still good looking for a pregnant chick. My [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is a little bigger... so that's more cushion for the pushin'.

Dris: I'm not touchin' that one.

Harris: Hopefully you don't touch anything while you're here Dris.

Seirichi: You can look but can't touch... Or you can touch once Harris leaves the room. Wait. Are you saying Matt isn't Governor yet? Even more of a wait... Fio ISN'T going to be Governor anymore? I guess it's time to move out of RhyDin, because this city is going to become a snorefest if that guy gets the job. Matt "I don't smile" Simon.

Dris: I'll politely keep my hands to myself, just this once... until Harris leaves the room.

Seirichi: Exactly. Until Harris leaves the room.

Dris: Only just the once?

Seirichi: Harris, isn't there some coffee you need to get? Downstairs? Across the street?

Dris: Is there a time limit on how long I can touch that once?

Seirichi: Wait. We should be talking about the debate. You know, the one no one watched. I heard it was the least watched thing last week. Once more puppies in cute hats took the number one spot.

Harris: RATE THE DEBATE! That's what we're here for today!

Dris: I was there an. I didn't even watch it. For about an hour. Then I had an appointment.

Seirichi: Who was the debate between again?

Harris: Matt and Not Matt. Anyway, our intern Freckles has pieced together some sound clips. Give us your opinion on how the candidates did after we play each one.

Dris: I'm allowed to drink in here, right?

Seirichi: Go ahead. Half of our staff is usually drunk.

Dris: Oh good. Carry on then.

Harris: Barbie was this year's moderator for those of you not in the know. BARBIE SOUND CLIP "Why should people vote for you for Governor instead of your opponent? Why should we be willing to stick ourselves with you for the whole next year?" And Rekah knocked it out of the park with... REKAH SOUND CLIP "I'm not a turtle! And I have a lot of people who know I'm not a turtle. And that's why I should be the Governor for the next year." Your thoughts on what we just heard, Dris? Is Rekah telling us the truth about her non-turtleness?

Dris: Well, she's certainly not a turtle. Too soft and cuddly t'be one, that's for sure. I'm one of those "lot of people" she's talkin' about. I know. I've cuddled her. She's darlin'. And significantly lacking in the shell department.

Harris: Seirichi. In your expert opinion, is Rekah a turtle? I use the term "expert" loosely in this company. I use the term "loosely" expertly in this company though.

Dris: Slainte. I'll drink t' that.

Harris: What language was that? Mongolian?

Seirichi: You're asking me if Rekah is something I can crack over a rock, split its shell open, and watch it wiggle about while it dies?

Harris: And make soup out of.

Seirichi: I was getting to that.


Dris: I should hope not. She's far too cute to be made a soup of.

Seirichi: Do you mean soup like me pushing her onto my bed and us making nasty soup together? Yeah, sure. I'll have her be my turtle any night.

Harris: That's... not even a real thing. But, moving on...

Dris: Could be if there's proper restraints involved... maybe a big enough bowl.

Harris: We have a response to the same question from Matt. Pause. Though... Freckles is telling me the clip of Matt's response is too long to play. Apparently he gave a 12 part answer to a 2 part question.

Dris: Typical.

Harris: Hold on. Let me just read aloud from the transcript. Papers rustle. "Let's face it, Rekah's likable. Most of you, I'd wager, if you don't have a soft spot in your heart for the woman, at least don't begrudge her. Can she inspire you, can she lead you? I know she'll try. But what differentiates myself from Rekah is that I have the experience we need in the here and now. Experience as Governor, as a proud citizen of Rhydin, as someone who's..."

Seirichi: Boooooooooooooring.

Harris: SNORE sound effect. HEAD HITTING DESK sound effect. Holy... What just happened? Did I fall asleep while we're still on the air?

Seirichi: I think we should change our safe word to Matt instead of Rachael because that killed my sex drive.

Dris: Cough. Military state. Cough. What? Sorry. Choked on some o' this 'ere scotch. Did he say somethin' prepackaged an' brilliant there? No? No. Didn't think so.

Harris: There's more but... I don't wanna read it.

Dris: Don't. Ye'll only get a nose bleed.

Harris: Now that I flip through the rest of this transcript... it's basically more of the same. Rekah with simple, yet honest answers. Matt with multi-part answers that seem to drone on for hours.

Seirichi: We should pay Freckles more for having to listen to all of that. It's a form of torture. Please tell me that Koy was in a sexy outfit and on stage next to him during this.

Dris: Matt's jus' tryin' t' con ya'll intah thinkin' Rhydin needs a ruler and can't fend fer itself. And actually I think Koy was in the back o' the room help a bunch o' other sexy babes hold up the wall. There was at least four of 'em.

Harris: I think everyone knows that Matt isn't very entertaining at this point, but we'd be hard pressed to admit he's not the frontrunner against Rekah.

Seirichi: I'm still voting for Fio.

Dris: I'll say it too. Rekah's a doll, but she ain't really no competition for Matt.

Harris: So, as the feller of Matthew Simon years ago, what advice do you have for Rekah and her campaign before the polls open, Dris? What can she do to stop the droning juggernaut that is Matthew Simon?

Dris: Duct tape? Maybe drug him and toss him in a shed until all this blows over an' everyone forgets about him?

Seirichi: I think what our guest is trying to say is this... Rekah needs to show off the goods.

Dris: What I think she needs to do is remind Rhydin that it doesn't need a dictator. It doesn't need a protector. It doesn't need Matt's military to thrive.

Harris: If he wins again they should just crown him Emperor of RhyDin.

Dris: Pretty much.

Harris: On the bright side that means he'll be creating jobs. Assassins have to work too, yanno?

Dris: There is that. Coroners too. He might want to look into building bigger expansions on the cemetary, though, if he wants t' really win the votes.

Seirichi: If he promises to be the shirtless Governor, I'll vote for him.

Dris: He couldn't pay me enough to vote for him.

Harris: I don't know if there's anything else we can add, RhyDin. It's up to you now. The polls should be opening soon, so get out there and do your civic duty and vote! For a write in candidate! The only real choice this year!

Dris: Hear hear!

Seirichi: I think the best tactic this year is... VOTE MATT SIMON! Because Harris hates him! So, being the troll I am, I will be voting for him just to spite the blue bastard! Long live the King! Glory to Duel of Fists!

Harris: Well, that was pointless.

Dris: Does anybody ever listen t'what she says? Gods I hope not.

Seirichi: Your anger fuels me. Mmmm, tastes so good.

Harris: Baby factories should be seen and not heard. So shush because it's commercial time. And I had Freckles bring you doughnuts. Once Dris stops playing footsies with me under the table I'll thank him for dropping in. YOU CAN GO NOW DRIS.

Seirichi: I already told him we're going to lunch.

Dris: You know you want me, Harris. Everybody wants me. It's a fact. Why do you think I vanished at the end of my term? The fangirls, an' boys, were a nightmare!

Seirichi: Did you at least say thank you to Harris's mom once you were done with her?

Dris: I did. I sent her flowers too. She was a gem.

Harris: Seirichi has two Moms, Dris. I bet that'd be even more fun. We'll be back after this short break RhyDin so stay tuned in!

The segment ends with a commercial for the Transgalactic Squash League's Low Orbit Pay-per-view.
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Post by Harris » Sat Jun 22, 2013 3:58 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 237, 21 JUN 2013]

Metallica's "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: Crowd applause. Hello RhyDin! Seirichi here! On location at... Wait, where are we again? Some sort of Welcome Center or something, whatever. You know the drill people. You've just stepped out of the Nexus and entered a new world! Half of you, wait... 90% of you will most likely die in the coming months in either a mass murder spree or Marketplace explosion. Here's looking at you, dollface. Yes, you. The blonde. No, not her. Not her either! YES, YOU! Make a quick note for yourself: Buy life insurance and pray that your child isn't swept up in the explosions along with you. You never know, that tyke may become the next RhyDin playboy! So... beyond heckling people, why are we here again?

Harris: We're here to watch Freckles utilize one of her most underrated talents: sewing. Because our show is going to add to The Great RhyDin Quilt that's currently under production here at the Welcome Center! And since it's going to take longer than one segment for her to finish we decided we'd broadcast the entire show from here. The crowd thinks it's a great idea, right? Raucous crowd applause.

Seirichi: I think I heard someone yell "Show me your boobs!". I don't know, my milky boobs are more for Harris right now. Maybe after I have the kid. Anyway, Freckles is over there working up a storm. She might of finally found her niche, and that's man's work. Freckles, try not to prick your thumbs so much. If there's even a drop of blood on that patch you're starting all over.

Harris: Someone always yells that. You should show them anyway. Freckles! Add some rhinestones to our quilt square! Wait. Maybe they wanted Freckles to show her boobs?

Seirichi: Freckles has boobs? Freckles! SHOW THEM ITTY BITTY KITTY TITTES OFF! What? You're too busy? Fine. This chick in the front can do it instead. Hey, lady. What's your name and when did you get off the Nexus short bus?

Woman #1: My name is Linda. I've only been here a few days.

Seirichi: What'd you do back wherever you came from?

Woman #1: Uhm, I was an exotic dancer. But I think with this chance to start over I'll use this opportunity t--

Seirichi: HARRIS! WE HAVE A TOPLESS DANCER HERE! GET HER A JOB PRONTO! It's okay Lindsay, Lanny, whatever your name is. RhyDin is the perfect place for you. You're a diamond in the rough. Not a real Diamond like us, but you get the picture. I'm flashing my Duel of Fists Diamond right now, for everyone that's not listening to us live.

Harris: I don't think our budget covers another topless dancer for the station, but I could be wrong. Do we have any other "exotic dancers" in the crowd? Oh look, all the blondes raised their hands. Except for that one. What's your name and when'd you get off the boat?

Woman #2: Veronika! I've almost been here a month and this Welcome Center has been invaluable! It helped me find a job and get acclimated!

Harris: Well, thumbs up for the Welcome Center. What kind of job did you end up getting?

Woman #2: A woman was passing out cards for adult models, and I--

Harris: SEIRICHI! WE HAVE AN ADULT MODEL HERE! Get her a job! And is it just me, or is this crowd almost completely devoid of men? How often does the Nexus even spit out a man, or an unattractive woman for that matter? Odds dictate it has to happen sometimes.

Seirichi: DOES SHE HAVE A BIG [EXPLETIVE DELETED]? NIMA NEEDS DANCERS WITH BIG [EXPLETIVE DELETED] IN HER MUSIC VIDEO. Oh, wait. Her [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is kind of okay, not flat but not fat. Wait. Yeah, why IS there a lack of men? This is a real va-jay-jay fest up in here. Wait, I see a hand! You group of giggling girls, get the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] out of the way! You! Guy! What's your name?

Man #1: Hi, my name is--

Seirichi: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! This guy doesn't even break 5'4", RhyDin. He's not relevant. Get him outta here. Protip. If you're a guy and not over six feet, do us all a favor and stay inside. Forever.

Harris: Maybe he's twelve? But anyway, that's not so much in the spirit of this event, Seirichi. It's about celebrating the diversity of RhyDin. It doesn't matter if you're a natural blonde, bleached blonde, strawberry blonde, platinum blonde or some other super diverse blonde, you're welcome to come down to the Welcome Center to add a patch to the quilt. There will be scheduled sessions ongoing until July 10th!

Seirichi: It looks like Freckles is done with ours, but I see a lack of flashy rhinestones on it. What do you mean they didn't have any left? Whatever. I don't feel like standing out here anymore. Throw it on with the rest of them and let's get something to eat.

Harris: Make sure you put ours at the top of the stack, Freckles. And it better stay there. It should be the first piece sewn into the quilt for all the newcomers to see. Props to Koy for providing us free ad space!

Seirichi: Don't forget about the part where we thank her for being a hot piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] too.

Harris: I sense a disturbance in the Force... I... I think Matt just may have emoted upon hearing that.

Seirichi: That's the plan, Harris. That's the plan. Stay tuned for VELVET TUNNEL OF LOVE with Nell Holliday! I think I got the name wrong, but you guys get what I'm talking about.

Harris: Or you can stay tuned for Vinyl Resting Place. Which is basically erotica for your ears. We're out RhyDin!

The segment ends with a commercial for the Bastogne Bombshells Burlesque Showcase.
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Post by Harris » Sat Jun 29, 2013 5:53 pm

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 242, 28 JUN 2013]

Lady Gaga's "Boys Boys Boys" rolls to introduce the segment.

Harris: I don't think I have the words to properly introduce our guest on today's show, RhyDin. She's the only other blue hair in this town I'm willing to acknowledge and would also allow to accept my seed to help create a master breed of biologically superior children, adding to the one I'm having with Seirichi. She also apparently has an immunity to fire. Who knew? But anyway, I'll let her take over from here.

Seirichi: I've laid claim on your boys, Harris. Unless she's looking for a fist fight... Then I can accept that challenge. Wait, who is this chick anyway? I know Freckles left notes on my desk but I never read those.

Jewell: I'll fight you, not a problem; don't see why we can't share though. Pause. Wait, you don't know who I am? What's become of this place? I'm the one and only Empress, Jewell Ravenlock, in the flesh and come back from beyond the grave.

Seirichi: Look, lady. I don't go where you work and knock the corn dog out of your hand. Wait, maybe I did. Do you work down on the boardwalk? Anyway, point is. I don't NEED to know anyone. Ask the chick who comes on after us, I still don't know her name.

Harris: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. She's been hiding from you, RhyDin. How long have you been back, Jewell?

Jewell: Puzzled. What's a corn dog? Oh! I've been back for about three months or so, lurking in disguise to see how the poor little nothings of this town are treated. Turns out: not too bad.

Seirichi: You don't know what a corn dog is? That's it. After we're done here, Harris is taking us to get corn dogs.

Jewell: I don't think the Imperial Grand RhyDin Hotel allows pets.

Seirichi: Look, it's food. It's long, thick, and you put it in your mouth.

Jewell: Oh, well... Laughter. Harris must love that.

Harris: I am not food.

Seirichi: AAAAAAAOOOOOOO! But anyway, how are the poor little nothings doing? And can you give us some names?

Jewell: Uh negatory. I tried to stay away from them. It's one thing to pretend to be a nothing and another to actually be nothing. You know?

Seirichi: That's mind blowing. I think everyone in the dueling venues should listen to this girl's philosophy. When you're a somebody, you don't hang with the nobodies.

Harris: What's most important is the big question. Why'd you ever leave us in the first place, Jewell?

Seirichi: Harris, she probably faked her death for the insurance money, duh.

Jewell: Well... this lead to that. Some people burned my house down, kidnapped my children, and basically press-ganged me into serving them for a couple hundred years or so. Been a little busy. Wait, I could've gotten money out of this?

Seirichi: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] yeah you could have.

Jewell: Sighs. Now I just feel ill-used.

Harris: So you faked your own death, didn't get a payout for it, and now you're back. This is such a typical, heartwarming RhyDin story. What are the biggest changes you've noticed since you've come back, Jewell?

Seirichi: Next time you fake it be sure you're getting something out of it.. Either money, or a good breakfast after he's done lying on top of you.

Jewell: Yes, better get out your tissues. I struggled and fought my way to get back to the one place people love me the most. And I always make sure to get breakfast. Duh. Hmm, as for changes? Well, you've apparently decided to breed again and didn't wait for me. That's pretty harsh.

Seirichi: Sorry he couldn't wait. Something about meeting the greatest person of all time. You know how these things go.

Jewell: He already met me long ago dear. I'm afraid he had to settle for someone when I died.

Seirichi: Long time ago? No wonder! Harris does like them young after all.

Harris: I meet the greatest person of all time whenever I wake up and look in the mirror. Also, please don't fight over me. Pause. Fully clothed.

Seirichi: We aren't fighting. We're just being catty.

Harris: Who have you been masquerading as for the last three months, Jewell? So the people know how you've tricked them.

Jewell: Not fighting yet she means. I thought that would be better on one of those TV show thingies. I took on the name Kasimira. It means "destroyer of peace." I think it has a nice ring to it.

Seirichi: When did we get signed for a reality TV show? Is Koy going to be in it? Is Dueling Wives happening?! And with a name like that you better have destroyed something since your time back.

Jewell: Uh.. well.. I'm sure I probably broke some hearts when I left. Does that count? I mean, I could take credit for one of those explosions in the marketplace too. Yeah. I did that.

Seirichi: There's tons, go ahead and take credit for all of them.

Harris: Now that you're back, what's the plan? Because now that *everyone* in RhyDin knows there's bound to be an outpouring of support.

Seirichi: She's obviously going to bask in the glory of it, do tons of television interviews for profit, and then latch onto some rich sugar daddy. I mean, that's what I would do.

Jewell: Yeah, basically just sit around being fabulous like before, basking in the worship of all my devoted followers. Do you know any rich sugar daddies? I am in need of one.

Seirichi: G'nort's rich. We can find a cliff to throw his girlfriend off of. Homewreckers for life!

Jewell: Meh. Not so sure about G'nort, but we could still throw his girlfriend off a cliff. Who is she?

Harris: Kalamere is on your Hydra team. And he's single. And he's a bookie. I bet he has tons of money from breaking legs and calling in debts.

Jewell: Perfect!

Seirichi: Isn't Kalamere with that blonde chick? I'M SO CONFUSED. This is why I don't keep track of non-relevant people.

Harris: You mean Teagan? I think he's just a stopover for her when she gets lonely. Kalamere! You owe me a favor now for being the best wingman ever. And Kalamere is relevant, Seirichi. He's a Baron too. Have you ever dated a Baron, Jewell?

Jewell: Pssh who cares about a blonde chick? She doesn't stand a chance. I have not dated a Baron though. I believe Skyler was only a warlord. My prospects are apparently looking up. It's good to be alive.

Seirichi: That's swords. Swords isn't relevant. And that's the right attitude, who gives a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] about girlfriends.

Harris: Now, before we cut to commercial it's important that I ask about the hair, which is currently a bright red instead of the beautiful blue it should be. Why is that?

Seirichi: She's a Beat Down fan, of course.

Jewell: I promise to go back to blue soon. Right now, I'm trying to support my Hydra team the only way I know how: being beautiful. So screw Beat Down. This year it's all about Team Hydra.

Harris: Oh snap! Shots fired!

Seirichi: Watch out, ex-fire crotch might come after you.

Jewell: That sounds like a disease.

Harris: You heard it here first RhyDin. Jewell Ravenlock is back! She's fighting in the Hydra Cup! So when you see her either punch her in the gut, so as not to ruin her beautiful face, or give her a giant welcome back hug!

Seirichi: Don't forget the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] squeeze too!

Jewell: Yes, squeezes of my bottom are allowed! At least for a limited time.

Harris: We're not letting Jewell go again, so we'll be back after this commercial for another segment with her! So stay tuned for our continuing Morning With The Empress!

Seirichi: YOU MEAN I STILL HAVE TO WORK?! Instead of getting corn dogs?? Dammit!

Jewell: Don't make her wait. She needs something in her mouth, pronto!

Harris: Why do you think we're taking a break? ZIPPER sound effect.

Jewell: Good point. Can I push the buttons that make the sounds now?

Seirichi: Sure. Push them all. Watch Harris's blood pressure rise each press.

Jewell: Yay! DUCK QUACK sound effect.

Harris: Presently all the blood in my body is rushing to one specific area, so no worries.

Jewell: I could do this all day. WOLF WHISTLE sound effect.

The segment ends with a commercial for Bushido Casual Battle Pants.
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Post by Harris » Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:44 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 245, 03 JUL 2013]

Kool & The Gang's "Celebration" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: It's a week long celebration here at the show as we close in on our one year anniversary, RhyDin. And if you've loved us so far, just wait to see what we have in store for you in year two!

Seirichi: And you thought us lighting Freckles on fire LIVE couldn't be beat? Well... Harris, should we tell them?

Harris: Only if you want to BLOW THEIR MINDS.

Seirichi: I think we should be a tease and hold it back! Yes, hold it back.. no sweet, sweet release just yet!

Harris: Not only is our show getting better, but the station as a whole is going to have expanded content, just for you. We get you all set up each morning for Nell Holliday's "Vinyl Resting Place" right after us, and now we've got the proper swag out in stores to show your support.

Seirichi: I'm wearing my RhyDin Rewind bikini top right now!

Harris: And over that she's wearing her new Nell Holliday T-Shirt. Now, I'm not suggesting you buy that instead of RR merchandise, I'm saying you should open your wallet and buy it along with all our RR merchandise.

Seirichi: Harris, Harris, Harris... You're doing it all wrong. They should buy Nell's t-shirt. No, they should buy five of her t-shirts. And while you're at it, you should buy five of everything KLIT-AM 900 related. My calendar? Go ahead and buy ten of those. One for your wall, and the other nine for when those awkward stains become a little too smelly.

Harris: We'd also like to take the time to announce that our most dedicated employee not named Harris and Seirichi, has been gifted with another promotion. You've probably answered her questions over at the Red Dragon or out on the streets or possibly helped stomp her out when her head caught on fire. But our intern Freckles is now officially HEAD OF INTERNS FRECKLES. APPLAUSE sound effect.

Seirichi: Yeah. She can head her [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on over to the laundry mat and wash my clothes. Freckles, you hear that! Also, did you pre-order my lunch yet?!

Harris: It's time to drop bombs on RhyDin, girl. We now have a new intern to wash Seirichi's pantydrawers. She's actually out doing that right now, so we can't introduce her properly. But the wee lass is named Kenzi and she has effectively taken over most of Freckles' duties. Our personnel continues to expand.

Seirichi: So she already sent the new lap dog out to do it? Freckles is nodding her head at me and flashing a thumbs up, so I guess I shouldn't complain... but I'm going to anyway. Freckles, go order me some pizza! Now, back to the great year the Rewind has had, and will continue to have in the future, since we're the best thing that's come to this city since... what, the free clinic?

Harris: Well, we're about to mark our one year anniversary with a community themed project starting today! The One Word Saga! It takes graffiti to the next level. We've got an entire side of the building set up for this, with kegs of beer and cans of spray paint. It's up to you, RhyDin, to help create the most awesome story, one word at a time. What should the theme be, Seirichi?

Seirichi: Boobs? No, that's too easy. My sister? No, she's even MORE easy. Hmm.

Harris: We'll make this simple. The theme for this project will be... The Streets of RhyDin. Young or old, big or small, everyone is welcome to add to the one word saga by vandalizing our property.

Seirichi: Keep it in Common. None of those gutter tongues.

Harris: As always, if you've got suggestions RhyDin feel free to write or call us. We're always happy to listen. As long as your ideas aren't stupid.

Seirichi: Most of them are, but that's what we have our new Intern for. She can fish through all the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] and pull out a winner.

Harris: One year down! Time to make this next one even more epic! We'll be back after a short break.

The segment ends with a commercial for Jordan Caldwell's new novel "The Dirty Duchess".
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Post by Harris » Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:42 am

[A sixty second bump airs on the radio]

Harris: I've officially petitioned for November 4th to become a national holiday this year. Because that is the expected due date for the greatness kicking around in Seirichi's belly. Tell them what we're having, Seirichi.

Seirichi: Right now? Shouldn't we make them wait until after? I want to keep everyone on their toes. Should they buy blue? Should they buy pink? Should they buy none of that because my child isn't going to wear terrible colors like that? My adoring public! Your next twenty time Diamond of the Duel of Fists will be... DRUM ROLL sound effect A girl!

Harris: She'll have her Father's good looks and her Mother's... uhh, umbilical cord I guess. But what we need is a name, RhyDin! And we're coming to you for suggestions!

Seirichi: Harris, Harris, Harris. We all know her time to shine will be when she hits puberty. Then all the greatness I passed onto her will be on full display. Oh... and they better be good suggestions! I swear, if I see a Pear or Kumquat or any other type of fruit I'M GOING TO FLIP A TABLE.

Harris: Personally I'm keen on Diamondbreaker. Has a nice ring to it. You hear that Matt? Your Diamond Quest supremacy will be over in another 4 months! Call the hotline with your baby name suggestions! Maybe our future God Child will choose not to smite you when she eventually destroys RhyDin.

RhyDin Rewind, 8-10 AM every weekday morning!
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Post by Harris » Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:50 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 254, 16 JUL 2013]

Gary Clark Jr.'s, "Bright Lights" plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday! You know what that means! Another on location intern extravaganza! We've sent Freckles to the pound, to the bottom of a lake to interview a giant slug, and then there was that one time we sent her to Little Asia where she discovered what a happy ending is... But this time? Freckles is off the hook! Harris, who are we abusing today?

Harris: You still don't know her name, is that it? She's been working here for almost two weeks now.

Seirichi: I'm pretty sure her name is Kenny. Strange name for a girl, but there's kids walking around with the name Strawberry and other stupid [EXPLETIVE DELETED], so who am I to judge?

Harris: Hopeless. It's KERRY. That's the name of our new intern. And she is indeed out on location right now, to bring you the scoop on another one of RhyDin's buried gems. A nudist retreat! For the uninitiated, that is a place where you can vacation without your clothes. Also known as wherever Tass goes.

Seirichi: I've seen people streak all over the place... what's new? Please tell me there's deviant things going on there and Kerry will be getting her mind scarred.

Harris: Streaking is just something you do until the Watch tackles you to the ground. But a nudist retreat? That's committing to do EVERYTHING naked. Flipping pancakes? Naked. Walking the dog? Naked. Shooting hoops? Naked. Naked and possibly humiliating if you ever get dunked on.

Seirichi: Everything just... flopping around. It's a scary, scary world.

Harris: Kerry has stripped down to join the folks at the retreat for this remote. Let's talk to her now. Kerry? What's the weather like out there today? Nippy?

Kenzi: Kenzi. It's Kenzi. And the weather is actually really warm outside. Lots of flushed, ahem, cheeks. You would think people would know to use higher SPF sunscreen since everything is exposed to the elements. Especially when it's their... holy crap! Some people... some people need to wear clothes. All the time. Scary stuff out here. Can I come back yet?

Seirichi: No! Hurry, take a closer look! Did you remember to bring the measuring tape like I asked?

Kenzi: Um. I'm trying not to gawk so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say nobody is gonna let me measure, uhh, stuff. Especially since some people make it look like they just got out of the pool.

Seirichi: Just say please. It might work. It works for Harris.

Harris: No, see, the problem is you're looking at the guys.

Kenzi: I'm sorta scared to look at the women, Harris.

Seirichi: Poor Kenny. She doesn't want to explore what she obviously wants. It's okay Kenny! Look at some pretty girls!

Harris: Is it a mixed retreat? Are there naked trolls lumbering around out there and stuff too?

Kenzi: I haven't seen any trolls, but I think... is that a sasquatch? Let me follow him inside. Oh. No. That guy just needs some hedge clippers for all that body hair.

Seirichi: How thick is the forest?

Kenzi: Can't even see the tree. I also noticed there are a lot furries here since they're pretty used to being naked. Since I don't think fur counts as clothes. They're kinda scary. Some furry chick flicked me with her tail.

Seirichi: Did you punch her? It's okay to hit animals, they aren't people.

Kenzi: I can, really? Good to know because I was sure I would have to clean the bathroom at the station if I punched someone.

Seirichi: Well, that's still happening. Punching just means you might get a treat after.

Harris: So, uhh, what sort of activities do they have going on, Kerry?

Kenzi: There's a lot of commotion going on around this billiards table. There's cameras and everything. I think it's a special tournament, maybe... since instead of using pool cues they're using... you know.

Harris: No, we don't know. That's why we sent you.

Kenzi: Well, I sorta thought you might use your imagination. I guess you don't have one. They're using their, um, tallywackers. Can I say that on the radio? That's the biological term.

Seirichi: Are they polishing each other's pool cues? You need to keep them chalked and all that.

Kenzi: I don't know how you're supposed to chalk THAT. Oh, this woman says there's a special method they use. Extended silence. OH. MY. GOD. I... What sort of place did you send me to?!?!

Harris: Should we tell her?

Seirichi: I don't think we should.

Harris: Actually, Kerry, we sent you to the set of Suki Slider's newest X Rated film, "All Snookered Out". We also gave her permission to use you in any footage she shoots. So congratulations! We've just made you a movie star!

Kenzi: ...is that why that furry was flicking me with her tail? Eww.

Harris: You're welcome, by the way. You got off easier than Freckles did when we had to break her in. No pun intended.

Seirichi: When is this DVD coming out again?

Harris: It'll be out in time for Christmas to buy for friends and family alike!

Kenzi: A lot of guys just showed up. And I mean A LOT. Someone said they're shooting a broccoli scene, or something? I think I'm getting out of here.

Harris: Snickering. No, stick around and have some. Broccoli is good for your diet. We'll be back after this quick commercial break!

The segment ends with a commercial for Revan's Exploding Womp Rat Traps.
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Post by Harris » Sat Jul 27, 2013 3:53 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 262, 26 JUL 2013]

Lorde's "Royals" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: It should be common knowledge by now that I won the Outback's 74th Diamond Quest this last Sunday, adding to my victories in Diamond Quest 33 and 36, which brings my overall title tally to a nice, even twenty across all the sports. Pretty spectacular, right? Thirteen of those are in the Outback. I will take a moment to hold for applause. APPLAUSE sound effect. Thank you. Seirichi was present to witness history in the making.

Seirichi: I was? I think I was busy paying more attention to the fact that you left my house 3 hours beforehand with the promise of picking me up waffles, then you decided to -- hey, I'm going to go stop by the Outback and win the Diamond Quest! I think only you could do that, really. Did you remember the tournament was happening at the last minute and popped in to show those kids what it really takes to be the best?

Harris: I wasn't satisfied with all the G'nort punching in defense of PathFinder, so I went to find more people to punch. It seemed like the right thing to do. In any case, tradition dictates that every new Diamond establish their reign by tacking up a set of Diamond Rules for the patrons of the Outback to adhere to. Jesse Troyan started the tradition after his victory in Diamond Quest 17 almost fifteen years ago.

Seirichi: These rules are unbreakable. If you go against them, you dishonor yourself and the Outback in the process. If you had to pick the big three of your rules, what would they be?

Harris: Obviously the most important law of the Outback is that everyone listen to this show. That's rule #9. In fact, I'll probably fiddle with the electronics in the scoreboard to broadcast only this station for the next three months.

Seirichi: Can we have it say something like... `Matt's stupid` every time there's a sudden death? Oh! No! Even better. `Someone just got Roderick'd!` whenever there is a shut out.

Harris: The Diamond, me, will take your suggestions under advisement. Rule #5 is also fairly important, as it makes clear that for the duration of my reign Candy has to fight in The Pool instead of The Pit. All on duty officials have my permission to throw her in there if she refuses and will also be afforded my protection if she ruptures your spleen or fractures your face while performing this mandatory duty.

Seirichi: We've already found out Candy goes commando. So, it's time to see if she goes braless as well. Hurry, add a footnote to that rule saying that Candy is only allowed to wear white t-shirts while in The Outback.

Harris: Rules amendments have to go through official channels. In your case that's known as bedroom negotiations.

Seirichi: Just say butt stuff.

Harris: I'm not as crass as you. But yes, it will require the same, uhh, manuevers as Suki Slider's most recent film, "Pacific Rimmed." Needless to say though, I'm proud to announce that Rule #1 will finally expand the Diamond's privileges to include such powers as ordination. That means I can marry you, RhyDin. To whomever I want.

Seirichi: Can we marry Freckles to Kenzi?! I want our interns to have intern babies so they can intern for us. FRECKLES! GO BUY SOME RINGS! Why are you giving me that look?! Harris. Marry her to the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] bathroom stall because that's where she's going to spend her weekend if she doesn't do what I say.

Harris: Freckles has a "partner". Which I've always assumed meant her dog or hampster or something. But no. You're thinking small. That's a waste of my newly obtained power. The Outback has some pink that's been neglected for far too long. As my next official act as Diamond I am hereby marrying Mur Ollavan to Jigglypuff.

Seirichi: Are you sure? Isn't that a little cruel for our friend Jigglypuff?

Harris: I'm doing the creature a favor. It needs something to put in its mouth since it doesn't have an Opal. And I'm sure Mur's woken up next to worse after one of his benders. Everybody wins.

Seirichi: What if Jigglypuff eats Mur? And not in the "Oh god please don't stop I'm almost there!" sort of way? I mean, seriously eats him. Then turns into some weird... Jiggly Ollavan hybrid.

Harris: Attack of the JiggleMur! JiggleMur used "Get Wasted"! It's SUPER EFFECTIVE! Honestly, it'd be better than the Outback burning down. Again. I should also mention my powers of canonization. I have already bestowed a sainthood upon Gwen Minx, the Patron Saint of Shinies. Am I not a generous victor, RhyDin? If you have requests, feel free to tack them up onto the board, right below my official decree. Do you think Kalamere needs to settle down FINALLY? We can fix that. Is Koy's fashion sense deserving of a sainthood? I can make it happen.

Seirichi: Koy's legs deserve a sainthood. They can't stop, and won't stop. They are like spinners. The spinners of legs.

Harris: I'll make certain to give them a close examination for a few weeks to verify your claim. We'll be back after this break, RhyDin.

The segment ends with a commercial for the Quad Cut Dueling Instruction Video Series.
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Post by Harris » Sat Aug 03, 2013 5:12 pm

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 267, 2 AUG 2013]

Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" rolls to introduce the segment

Harris: Some of you out there may be aware that our station is not in the greatest part of town. We've gotta go through some grungy neighborhoods to get here from Seaside each morning. But that didn't become an issue until today.

Seirichi: The hobo pissing in the alley out back is good for the tourist industry. Don't knock it until you try it. And calling Happy The Homeless Man grungy is hurtful. Think of his feelings.

Harris: He writes Seirichi's name in the snow for her during the winter season. Every. Single. Day. It's why we keep him around. But that's beside the point. I made a stopover at the Kesey Apartment Complex to visit my former Ward, Samiyah.... and got mugged.

Seirichi: Did they steal the waffles I told you to get? Or did you, like always, "forget" them while at the store?

Harris: Well, I had the fifteen stack of waffles you ordered. But then a woman jumped out of the bushes wearing only a tattered velour track jacket and knocked the waffles out of my hand with a rubber chicken. She announced she was mugging me and promptly demanded I turn over the Golden Fleece she knew I was carrying.

Seirichi: Wait. Did you save the waffles? I don't care if you got stabbed or shot, but please tell me the waffles are okay. I'm not going to blame the mugger, I'm blaming you. One: Your hair is blue. Two: You're a three time Diamond, that means you must have bling on you. Three: You do have that "mug me" vibe.

Harris: I know how much shoe print waffles are your favorite, so of course I saved them and brought them to the station. The five second rule still applies for all food on the ground. After such a jarring encounter it makes me wonder... why in the hell does anyone live at Kesey? They're a little more than "eccentric" over there. Samiyah seems to be perfectly content to stay there for whatever reason.

Seirichi: Maybe she likes the risk? It could be her kink... her fantasy. Samiyah told me she wanted you to buy her a pony, maybe she's looking for a wild stallion? You can only find those rough, tough, emotionally neglected boys at places like the Kesey Complex.

Harris: Isn't she dating that Jay guy on the Wrecking Crew that can't win anything? Maybe she finally decided to trade up. If so, she should also move because a resident of her complex tried to mug me. Have you ever been hit with a rubber chicken? If I hadn't been carrying my seltzer bottle with me I don't know what would've happened. My life flashed before my eyes and it was just you yelling at me. It was terrifying.

Seirichi: I've been hit with [EXPLETIVE DELETED] before, but never a chicken. Should I say rooster instead of [EXPLETIVE DELETED]? Samiyah! I'm kind enough to open my home up to you! As long as you clean my gutters and pick dead squirrels out of my pool.

Harris: Don't take work away from Kenzi. Samiyah, please move. This is my worried voice. Because I have enough clout to probably get them to bulldoze that entire complex and I don't want you there when it happens. We can turn it into a marshmallow factory. Or a cow tipping range. Something useful.

Seirichi: True. Kenzi needs to earn her paycheck, and by paycheck I mean nothing because we don't pay her. Why hasn't Jay saved Samiyah from that dirty, dirty complex anyway? Isn't that what good boyfriends do? DUMP HIM, GIRL!

Harris: Oh. Freckles is telling me that they broke up. And is now facepalming because we probably shouldn't have announced that on air. Whoops. I think we're treading into Gossip GangSTAR territory now. Maybe it's time for a break.

Seirichi: Wait, wait, wait. They broke up? So does that mean I can date her now? Sorry, Harris. I'm trading up. But I think we're straying off topic. We need to take back the city. We should ask for upright citizens to band together and march on the Kesey Complex. POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Now, I'm not trying to start a riot or anything but... who am I kidding, WE SHOULD RIOT!

Harris: What's that? Sorry, I got distracted dialing Nima's number since I'm free of you now.

Seirichi: Chair tips over, microphone jostles. Give me that phone!

Harris: It's not her fault she's the pretty and talented one! Take us to commercial, Freckles! Oh, and the Kesey Complex has vacancies, if any of you crazies want to move out of your Mom's basement into something less pathetic. I heard someone died there once, so go nuts! Okay, now go to commercial.

The segment ends with a commercial for the 3rd Annual Cross Country Burlap Sack Race.
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Post by Harris » Mon Aug 05, 2013 4:33 am

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 268, 5 AUG 2013]

Nelly's "Hot In Herre" rolls to introduce the segment.

Harris: We're back, RhyDin. Just to recap so far, Janie from the Scathachian Sanctuary is here co-hosting for the morning, most of her clothes aren't, and I can barely keep Seirichi's attention on important things. Like me. And our segments. If there's such a thing as too much shenanigans, today is the day we may have reached the limit!

Janie: Shenanigans are mostly found in the back of knickers, Mate. Like those willickin' tags! Annoy me to high hell. S'why I don't wear 'em.

Seirichi: Is she going to take off her top yet? I've been waiting all morning. And I have no idea what a willickin' tags is, but the way her lips curve while saying it makes it perfectly fine.

Harris: We sent Freckles out to fetch us a universal translator after the opening segment. Hopefully she'll be back soon.

Janie: Oy, sure thing. I ain't got no billy with that an' all, Sheila. But I ain't showin' off the weapons till Harris says it's right.

Seirichi: Harris. Hurry up and say it's alright! Do I need to mention waiting all morning again? Because I've been waiting. All. Morning. No worries though, I think I've got what she's saying now. Billy must be slang for [EXPLETIVE DELETED], so I'm happy to say Janie doesn't have a dingaling. You heard it here first, folks! Though she should strip so we can make 100% proof positive of this.

Janie: A near snorted laugh. Ripper! I got no idea why peeps can't understand what I'm sayin'. I mean honestly! And I ain't got a buckeye of m'own. Pause. Though I had one they other night.

Harris: Buckeye? I had a ribeye. Nothing beats a good steak.

Janie: Funny, I didn't think you swung that way, Blue.

Seirichi: They might be too busy watching your chest bounce. Wait, we're talking about steak now? Let's get some for lunch. Harris LOVES meat. You should see his mouth water.

Janie: You know, I got a chickie's card you may want, Blue. She was scoutin' out the Inn for, uhh, new "talent". If ya know what I mean.

Harris: I have a voracious appetite. But we're not here to talk about our eating habits. We're here to introduce a new segment! "Whatever happened to...?"

Seirichi: Hear that, Harris? Some chick is looking for talent. I guess she can skip you over since you have none of it. OOOOOOOH sound effect. Also, we should sing the Full House theme now.

Harris: Speaking of "talents", our topic for the day is... strip dueling! Whatever happened to it? It used to be all the rage a decade or so ago in the Arena. Then it fell into complete oblivion and obscurity. People duel with all their clothes on... all the time!

Janie: So boring...

Seirichi: People probably got tired of all the cry-babies watching the duels calling it "dishonorable". Waaah! Screw that. I want to see tits jiggle and [EXPLETIVE DELETED] wag about. Kilts? Screw that. Nudity? YES PLEASE. Maybe Twilight Isle needs to pick up this idea. It might give us more reason to show up. Taco Tuesday? No thanks. Unless the taco I'm seeing is from our little blonde co-host here. Get it? Taco? It's slang for [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Harris, why aren't you laughing?

Harris: I don't think you'd even hear me laughing over your diatribe.

Janie: Woo! Bloomin' aces, mates! You know, if more people walked around without clothing the world would be a better place. So it ain't just 'bout makin' the duels REALLY worth watching, it's about a better bloomin' tomorrow!

Seirichi: I'd like a blooming onion too. It's like you're reading my mind. But we're talking about nudity, not food. Sure, it goes hand in hand, but let's stay on topic for once!

Janie: You know, I've had someone eat off me before. Weird, but whatever.

Harris: To prove how much we love you RhyDin we're sending Janie out during this last week of Hydra to engage the dueling population in strip duels! All day, erryday! Arena, Outback, Annex... even Nerd Island if she wants to bother showing up there.

Seirichi: You know, if you switch "off me" to "me out", I'd find it ten times more sexy. Are you sure we should waste her talents on the Isle? Why not just keep her for me?

Janie: Nerds are hot. They give the best... Oy Seirichi! A lady doesn't kiss and tell. Mostly 'cause she's got no time. But anyway, Big Blue's got it right! I'm gonna be out there, making people punch for peeks! Stripping for a great cause!

Harris: That's right, a great cause. Station publicity!

Seirichi: Nerds are hot... sure, in that neckbeard, mouth breathing, `I'm a nice guy, why don't all the girls like me and go for jerks instead!` whining sort of way. So, how is this strip dueling going to work? And if someone shuts you out does that mean they can have 10 minutes alone with you in the bathroom?

Janie: Stage whisper. Boy, she's really hormonal and all, Harris. She better get some... and fast!

Seirichi: I can hear you. And if you're offering, I'm accepting.

Janie: Sheila, I think you need waaaaaay more than even *I* got!

Harris: She's knocked up, Janie. It comes with the territory. But don't worry, what do you think we have breaks for? That's when I take care of her. But anyway, as for the strip dueling basics... the more points Janie loses, the more clothes she loses. It's that simple. Score a point, lose an article of clothing. It's like strip poker, but way more violent, generally.

Janie: Ouch, ankle biters! Good luck with that an all, Sheila.

Seirichi: Hmph. Let's get back to the topic! The topic being you taking off your top, finally, instead of sitting there like a tease. Or whatever Harris was going on about, something about Full House. Or Family Matters. One of those Earth shows.

Harris: It's all about restraint! For the next week if you or anyone else wants Janie's top off you'll have to get in the ring with her.

Seirichi: Too much effort. I'll get my maid to do it.

Harris: Don't be fooled, folks. Like all Scathachian ladies Janie knows how to handle a sword. Probably more than one at a time. BOW-CHICKA-BOW sound effect. We won't even talk about what she can do with her fists. Use your imagination.

Janie: Ain't a sword around that I can't get to bend to my will! Metal, flesh... whatever. Get into the ring with me and see if you can get me to strip to m'skivvies! O'course, I'm thinking if I tag a point, you gotta show a little skin off too.

Seirichi: It's only fair. They should start with their pants.

Janie: I like the way your noggin chugs, Sheila.

Seirichi: I'd like to chug down something too. When is lunch getting here?

Harris: Who of you out there will prove man or woman enough to take Janie up on her challenge this week? Don't miss out on this golden opportunity!

Janie: She's kinda like a swamp root, ain't she?

Harris: Is Freckles back yet? If she can't find a universal translator I hope she at least brings someone back that speaks Pikey.

Janie: Right! So don't show up at the duels as useless as tits on a bull! You wanna see the merch, you gotta get in the ring!

Seirichi: I think I understood that one! If you want to see the goods, make sure you're willing to strip off your shirt too!

Harris: I thought she was saying Andu shouldn't duel this week. I'm so confused.

Janie: I got tickets on m'self and you mates won't be sorry. Fabric rustles against the microphone. See?

Seirichi: What? I didn't hear you. I was too busy staring at your chest.

Harris: Me too, actually.

Janie: Tall poppies sittin' in the sun! We're bringin' back strip dueling!

Harris: That's what she said. How appropriate for once. I think that's as good a way as any to end this "Whatever happened to...?" segment.

Seirichi: ...they just look so squeezable.

Janie: Think those are aces, you should see my outback.

Harris: As a certified bushmaster I'm more than qualified to explore your outback.

Janie: I knew I liked you Blue.

The segment ends with a commercial for the Terra Firma Brewing Company.

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