10/8/13
Keeping a journal is stupid. I honestly have no idea why I'm doing it other than the fact that my head feels full. This place is so...weird and different while still being like exactly the same. I don't even know what I'm doing. Maybe I should go back. Eh. Go back to what Lila. What would I really go back to. I mean, this place is practically the same. So why bother right? Nevermind the fact that I'm more alone than I've been. And part of me? Part of me is okay with that. Part of me is perfectly fine with being here, where I know most of the people but none of them know me unless I choose to let them know me.
Do you think fresh starts are possible? Or is it possible that I've screwed up my life enough that nothing's going to change? Old habits die hard and stuff. You know? I don't know. I'm fairly cognizant of the fact that I'm *** in the head. I get it. It caused me enough problems back “home”. I don't know why I call it that, it wasn't really home. It was more like a...I don't know. I can't describe it. But after Mom died and things got bad...well, worse actually...I couldn't let myself stay with Aunt Kathryn anymore. I just couldn't let myself bring her down. So home. Home is gone. Home is non-existent.
There are good people. And good people deserve to be happy. And they deserve not to be dragged down by the *** ups in life. So that's why I left. I wonder if she knows I'm gone. I probably shouldn't think about it because it only makes my head hurt and makes me wish that...wish that...I don't know. I don't know what I wish. All I know is that it's good if she's happy and that Ryan isn't a pain in the *** to her and Uncle Clayton.
I probably should have kept my old journal. But sometimes it's better to burn the past. No need to look back and reflect on things that can't be changed. Though, showing up here makes me wonder if things can be changed. If I can show up here just randomly...a completely different timeline where I never existed, is it possible to go back on my own timeline and change stuff? Through all of this I keep hearing people talk about not wanting to screw things up. But...really. It's Rhy'Din, isn't everything screwed up anyways? I don't exist here. But can I?
Ugh. I just re-read everything I've written so far and most of it doesn't make sense. What am I even doing. Do I feel better by writing all this random *** down? Maybe a little. Am I accomplishing much more than that? Not really. I just hate thinking about this stuff. I want it out of my head. Maybe putting it on paper is the way to go. Not like I've got anyone I can talk to about it. Whatever the case may be. I can't dwell on it. Maybe I should go find something hard to drink and that'll take my mind off things. At least for a little while. I probably shouldn't do that. Not with well, everything, ya know? But, maybe if I push it away long enough it'll stay gone. Drown it permanently.
Is there another way? I've yet to discover it. Or maybe I don't want to discover it. Maybe...just maybe...finding it would hurt worse than how I feel normally. It's easier to take all of the anger out on myself rather than bother those here who might be able to help. I screwed things up enough for them back “home”, wouldn't I feel awful if I did the same here? Part of me...some vindictive bitchy evil part of me, wants to ruin things here too. I see her...the one who is my mom but isn't my mom. Do you know how weird that is? Anyways. I've seen here. From afar. Mostly because I'm afraid that she'll figure it out.
Gabe says that she knows about us. About me being here. And about him and his sister here. And she refuses to address the issue. Guess it upsets Jade or something like that pretty bad. I haven't met her, she's Gabe's little sister. They're from another timeline too but not my timeline and not this timeline. Time and space are retarded. I hate the Nexus and planetary alignments and all that other stupid ***. Because it's causing a lot of people hurt. She seems happy with her life here. Which is so different from the Claire I knew. This one is coherent and seems to be sober most of the time. And most of all, she's alive. She looks just the same as she did back home but more...vibrant I guess. I don't know.
It sucks. Not gonna lie.
It sucks seeing her like that. Maybe as much as it sucked seeing her how I knew her. I don't know. I want to ruin it. I want her to be as unhappy as she's made me. Not her specifically but her choices in some other time. Then logic punches me in the face and tells me I can't do that. No matter how badly I want to. Because the people here...are not the people I know. They don't know of what they've said or done in my timeline and I can't punish them for it.
I don't blame them for denying my existence. I know Harris does it too. Except he's got it way worse because he's had all of these daughters show up. At last count I think there were like...fourteen or fifteen of us. And only one of us has any shot at actually happening. If I enjoyed my life and these random *** people just popped up and said “HI I'M YOUR BLAH BLAH BLAH FROM ANOTHER LIFETIME” I'd probably knock them the *** out and carry on with my life like they didn't exist.
So there's that.
I'm thinking too much. And that's dangerous. It's either think or deal with the sound of little bells ringing in my head. One or the other. And both are stupid.
I'm tired of writing. So later.
Sublimation: Tabula Rasa :: Lila's Journal
Moderators: King, Claire Gallows, Cooper Gallows
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
10/10/2013
Today...was weird. Like I don't even know what to say about it. I'm feeling so scatterbrained that I feel like I can't form a coherent sentence. And oddly enough I've only drank like...I dunno, three or four beers. Which is like nada for me right? Right. I don't think I like talking to people. It makes them ask questions and then I feel obligated to answer them. I should probably stop drawing in public too. Especially pictures of other people. It seems to serve as an open invite to come ask about it.
I did an aura drawing today. It was like a rainbow and I just couldn't help it. So many people in such a small area...and they were all so different. The almost deity like wolf lady with her golds and whites and reds. The talking reindeer with the deep greens and ambers. Like wheat and fresh cut grass. The quiet teenaged girl who seemed to hold some other side that bubbled just below the surface. The...I'm guessing she was an empath based on how hers shifted and changed according to who was nearby. And the demon in his blacks and silvers. Like gunmetal and tar. And the...I don't know what he was. He wasn't what he seemed, that's for sure. The one so flat grey, just there. And the creamy gold that seeped through the cracks.
I can't empty my brain. I just can't. I need to. Because I was offered a job. An actual job, ya know? With hopefully a real paycheck. So...maybe I'll make enough to get a room that isn't this one. I mean, I guess I'm grateful that the tavern keep lets me say here and that the door has three locks on it. And the things that I have to do to hold on to this room could be far worse. I don't know. Money would be nice. Dignity would really be nice too. And maybe I'll have enough left over to buy more fabric. I'm low on thread and the usual place has caught on to my five finger discount.
I also ran into my not-mom-mom's boyfriend again. I don't think I like him much. He's an *** and won't tell me much about her. I hear more from Gabe than I do from Noctis. Gabe says the version of her here is worse than the version he has. Which is stupid because from the sounds of it, the version here is better than the one I have. Had. Had had had. I don't have her anymore. She's dead and that's that. You'd think after three years I wouldn't have to correct myself anymore.
Anyways. What was I even talking about? I don't know. Drunk men keep knocking on my door. Mostly because the old man at the bar thinks it's funny to tell the drunken sailors that I'm a call girl and I'm open for business. I might add a chair to the door to help the locks. Ugh while I did that, my pen decided to die. So I had to find a different one and it's not even the same color. But whatever. I don't think this writing thing is helping me much. There's just too much there that doesn't want to come out.
So maybe I just need to stick to making others questions themselves instead of me questioning myself. Who knows. It may very well be easier if I just shut it away, padlock it, encase it in cement, and see about dealing with it sometime down the line. Some part of me thinks that would be a good idea. The other part of me says that would only make it worse. So I dunno. Maybe I can deal with it a little at a time.
And now that I'm thoroughly distracted by what sounds like someone trying to take my door off its hinges, I'm gonna call it quits for writing for the night and go deal with this issue. Wish me luck stupid journal.
-LKFD
Today...was weird. Like I don't even know what to say about it. I'm feeling so scatterbrained that I feel like I can't form a coherent sentence. And oddly enough I've only drank like...I dunno, three or four beers. Which is like nada for me right? Right. I don't think I like talking to people. It makes them ask questions and then I feel obligated to answer them. I should probably stop drawing in public too. Especially pictures of other people. It seems to serve as an open invite to come ask about it.
I did an aura drawing today. It was like a rainbow and I just couldn't help it. So many people in such a small area...and they were all so different. The almost deity like wolf lady with her golds and whites and reds. The talking reindeer with the deep greens and ambers. Like wheat and fresh cut grass. The quiet teenaged girl who seemed to hold some other side that bubbled just below the surface. The...I'm guessing she was an empath based on how hers shifted and changed according to who was nearby. And the demon in his blacks and silvers. Like gunmetal and tar. And the...I don't know what he was. He wasn't what he seemed, that's for sure. The one so flat grey, just there. And the creamy gold that seeped through the cracks.
I can't empty my brain. I just can't. I need to. Because I was offered a job. An actual job, ya know? With hopefully a real paycheck. So...maybe I'll make enough to get a room that isn't this one. I mean, I guess I'm grateful that the tavern keep lets me say here and that the door has three locks on it. And the things that I have to do to hold on to this room could be far worse. I don't know. Money would be nice. Dignity would really be nice too. And maybe I'll have enough left over to buy more fabric. I'm low on thread and the usual place has caught on to my five finger discount.
I also ran into my not-mom-mom's boyfriend again. I don't think I like him much. He's an *** and won't tell me much about her. I hear more from Gabe than I do from Noctis. Gabe says the version of her here is worse than the version he has. Which is stupid because from the sounds of it, the version here is better than the one I have. Had. Had had had. I don't have her anymore. She's dead and that's that. You'd think after three years I wouldn't have to correct myself anymore.
Anyways. What was I even talking about? I don't know. Drunk men keep knocking on my door. Mostly because the old man at the bar thinks it's funny to tell the drunken sailors that I'm a call girl and I'm open for business. I might add a chair to the door to help the locks. Ugh while I did that, my pen decided to die. So I had to find a different one and it's not even the same color. But whatever. I don't think this writing thing is helping me much. There's just too much there that doesn't want to come out.
So maybe I just need to stick to making others questions themselves instead of me questioning myself. Who knows. It may very well be easier if I just shut it away, padlock it, encase it in cement, and see about dealing with it sometime down the line. Some part of me thinks that would be a good idea. The other part of me says that would only make it worse. So I dunno. Maybe I can deal with it a little at a time.
And now that I'm thoroughly distracted by what sounds like someone trying to take my door off its hinges, I'm gonna call it quits for writing for the night and go deal with this issue. Wish me luck stupid journal.
-LKFD
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
2/2/2014
So, it's been awhile journal. I've been busy. You know, with stuff. I think...that maybe just maybe I'm actually doing well. Maybe. And there is something terribly wrong with that. Like that I'm not meant to experience this. I've got this feeling. Like a magnet. And I'm being drawn toward home. Not this home. I don't think I could ever consider this place home no matter how long I stayed. No matter how many people I came to know. It could never truly be home. I feel like I know this place like the back of my hand but there's always that tiny bit of uncertainty that comes with an unknown place that seems to linger around the edges. So maybe it's time to go home. Maybe it's time to go home or maybe travel some. Nothing is waiting for me anywhere so I may as well take advantage of the expanse of worlds that the Nexus offers access to.
I've been working. For Noctis of all people. He pays me nicely since Miss Ammy hasn't been around the shop much. He taught me how to shoot and I help him out with enforcing things and looking out for a few of Caelum Enterprises' business interests. To say that it's exhilarating would be an understatement. I've been saving most of the money he pays me, just spending it sometimes to make things or buy supplies. Even some of my designs have been selling. This kid I know named Max does some modelling stuff with his girlfriend and I guess she knows people. And those people liked my stuff enough to buy it and actually turn it into something more than my mediocre sewing skills can manage. It's nice.
Things are going well, so why would I want to leave? I know. That's a question I ask myself a lot. Well or not, I don't belong here. I know it's a silly thing to say in a land of refugees and displaced people, an ultimate melting pot of time and space and everything in between. But I don't. This place isn't for me. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe. Well, there was no argument about that to begin with. Or perhaps it has been ingrained in my mind for so long that I can't allow myself to accept happiness. I'm perfectly cognizant of that. Excessively so. I know I'm messed up or whatever. And I know that I should be allowed to be happy. Right? Wrong. I should be flourishing at the moment. I have a job that I like. The people around me are pretty decent. I can hear Mav's name without wanting to punch a baby in the face. I don't feel the insatiable need to get obliterated out of my freaking mind every day to stave off the pain. But I know it could all be taken away at an instant. I'm savoring it, I promise I am. But at the same time, I'm readying myself. Distancing. That way when it is inevitably ripped away, it doesn't hurt so bad.
I'm hoping I get to leave of my own volition. That way I can say goodbye. The people here have actually be wonderful. Nice, you know? Far more than I deserve. I want to do something for them if I can. I don't know what I'll do. But I need to do something. Anything really. It's weird having something to be grateful for. I mean, like, I had that stuff sort of from time to time but for the most part life was pretty lametastic back home. And here it's weird and alright really. So I think...that what I'm going to do...is find a way to thank those who have helped me. And then I'll go.
Now the question is...how to thank them. Maybe if I get some ideas I'll write them down in here that way they don't get lost in my messed up mind.
So, it's been awhile journal. I've been busy. You know, with stuff. I think...that maybe just maybe I'm actually doing well. Maybe. And there is something terribly wrong with that. Like that I'm not meant to experience this. I've got this feeling. Like a magnet. And I'm being drawn toward home. Not this home. I don't think I could ever consider this place home no matter how long I stayed. No matter how many people I came to know. It could never truly be home. I feel like I know this place like the back of my hand but there's always that tiny bit of uncertainty that comes with an unknown place that seems to linger around the edges. So maybe it's time to go home. Maybe it's time to go home or maybe travel some. Nothing is waiting for me anywhere so I may as well take advantage of the expanse of worlds that the Nexus offers access to.
I've been working. For Noctis of all people. He pays me nicely since Miss Ammy hasn't been around the shop much. He taught me how to shoot and I help him out with enforcing things and looking out for a few of Caelum Enterprises' business interests. To say that it's exhilarating would be an understatement. I've been saving most of the money he pays me, just spending it sometimes to make things or buy supplies. Even some of my designs have been selling. This kid I know named Max does some modelling stuff with his girlfriend and I guess she knows people. And those people liked my stuff enough to buy it and actually turn it into something more than my mediocre sewing skills can manage. It's nice.
Things are going well, so why would I want to leave? I know. That's a question I ask myself a lot. Well or not, I don't belong here. I know it's a silly thing to say in a land of refugees and displaced people, an ultimate melting pot of time and space and everything in between. But I don't. This place isn't for me. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe. Well, there was no argument about that to begin with. Or perhaps it has been ingrained in my mind for so long that I can't allow myself to accept happiness. I'm perfectly cognizant of that. Excessively so. I know I'm messed up or whatever. And I know that I should be allowed to be happy. Right? Wrong. I should be flourishing at the moment. I have a job that I like. The people around me are pretty decent. I can hear Mav's name without wanting to punch a baby in the face. I don't feel the insatiable need to get obliterated out of my freaking mind every day to stave off the pain. But I know it could all be taken away at an instant. I'm savoring it, I promise I am. But at the same time, I'm readying myself. Distancing. That way when it is inevitably ripped away, it doesn't hurt so bad.
I'm hoping I get to leave of my own volition. That way I can say goodbye. The people here have actually be wonderful. Nice, you know? Far more than I deserve. I want to do something for them if I can. I don't know what I'll do. But I need to do something. Anything really. It's weird having something to be grateful for. I mean, like, I had that stuff sort of from time to time but for the most part life was pretty lametastic back home. And here it's weird and alright really. So I think...that what I'm going to do...is find a way to thank those who have helped me. And then I'll go.
Now the question is...how to thank them. Maybe if I get some ideas I'll write them down in here that way they don't get lost in my messed up mind.
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
Sometimes I think that maybe just maybe the universe will deem me deserving of someone who gets me. Someone who looks out for me and is sweet and likes me because of the things we have in common or something really f*cking stupid like that. And then I meet boys like Mav and that all goes out the window. See, it was easy to act like the things he did and said didn't hurt. It was easy to sleep with him like that might persuade him to stick around but when it was all said and done and the hangover wore off, I didn't want to stick around. He's not what he seems. He claims himself some paladin, some knight or something like that'll make him something other than Mav. But no. He's just Maverick. Maverick who changes to please those around him. That's either the dumbest thing I've ever seen or the most brilliant. I don't know, I can't decide. I've always figured it's easier to be who you'll be and if somebody doesn't like that then f*ck 'em you know? Because you can't win the world over with a cute accent and the ability to change constantly. It'd be like being a chameleon. I think some part of him thought he could save me or something. But betwixt the need to save me, he found other things to occupy his time. Shinier less broken things. So instead I get to sit on the wayside and pretend it doesn't hurt to see him with her. I'm pretty good at pretending. Maybe that's my brilliant skill, pretending. I can pretend I didn't like the trashy room above the bar by the docks. I can pretend I didn't like the men that frequented such a place. I can pretend it didn't feel more like home than the Red Dragon ever could. It's easy to put on a show I suppose. Until I look in the mirror and realize what a liar I am. It's gross. But it works. Anyways. The moral of today's story. Boys are stupid. Men are stupid. Mav's stupid. I hate them all. I need another beer.
LKFD
Sometimes I think that maybe just maybe the universe will deem me deserving of someone who gets me. Someone who looks out for me and is sweet and likes me because of the things we have in common or something really f*cking stupid like that. And then I meet boys like Mav and that all goes out the window. See, it was easy to act like the things he did and said didn't hurt. It was easy to sleep with him like that might persuade him to stick around but when it was all said and done and the hangover wore off, I didn't want to stick around. He's not what he seems. He claims himself some paladin, some knight or something like that'll make him something other than Mav. But no. He's just Maverick. Maverick who changes to please those around him. That's either the dumbest thing I've ever seen or the most brilliant. I don't know, I can't decide. I've always figured it's easier to be who you'll be and if somebody doesn't like that then f*ck 'em you know? Because you can't win the world over with a cute accent and the ability to change constantly. It'd be like being a chameleon. I think some part of him thought he could save me or something. But betwixt the need to save me, he found other things to occupy his time. Shinier less broken things. So instead I get to sit on the wayside and pretend it doesn't hurt to see him with her. I'm pretty good at pretending. Maybe that's my brilliant skill, pretending. I can pretend I didn't like the trashy room above the bar by the docks. I can pretend I didn't like the men that frequented such a place. I can pretend it didn't feel more like home than the Red Dragon ever could. It's easy to put on a show I suppose. Until I look in the mirror and realize what a liar I am. It's gross. But it works. Anyways. The moral of today's story. Boys are stupid. Men are stupid. Mav's stupid. I hate them all. I need another beer.
LKFD
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
There is something about being punched in the face in the name of sports that is utterly satisfying. I tried the whole dueling thing tonight. Won one, lost one. It was interesting to say the least. Maybe a little exhilarating. Almost as good as a few things I've tried recently and for a few moments, I feel unbelievably alive. It's great. On the downside, going to the dueling venues runs the risk of running into one or both of my not-parents or hell even one of my fourteen not-sisters-from-other-Harris-timelines. Do you know how f*cking confusing that can be? Anyways. Most of the time I just ignore them and pretend they aren't there because I'm awesome like that. It's nice to get away if only for a little while. And now that I'm set up with this new job, I can afford a legit proper place. Got set up with this sweet loft in the warehouse sector of Dockside district. Pretty Boho which means it's perfectly perfect. It even has a swing oddly enough. Right in the middle of the living room. Maybe they'll fix the elevator before I get moved in but I'm not holding my breath on it. Rent's cheap. Neighbors won't bother me unless I want them too. And the landlord doesn't seem to give a damn what people do. It's nice. It's almost like being an adult. It's almost like having a home. It's an odd feeling certainly, but I think I might be able to get used to it with enough time. Plus a few more of my designs sold and Max brought me the money for them so that'll go to buying stuff for the place and maybe with whatever's left over I can have a housewarming party. Ha. Yeah...like that'll happen.
-Lily Kate All Grown Up
There is something about being punched in the face in the name of sports that is utterly satisfying. I tried the whole dueling thing tonight. Won one, lost one. It was interesting to say the least. Maybe a little exhilarating. Almost as good as a few things I've tried recently and for a few moments, I feel unbelievably alive. It's great. On the downside, going to the dueling venues runs the risk of running into one or both of my not-parents or hell even one of my fourteen not-sisters-from-other-Harris-timelines. Do you know how f*cking confusing that can be? Anyways. Most of the time I just ignore them and pretend they aren't there because I'm awesome like that. It's nice to get away if only for a little while. And now that I'm set up with this new job, I can afford a legit proper place. Got set up with this sweet loft in the warehouse sector of Dockside district. Pretty Boho which means it's perfectly perfect. It even has a swing oddly enough. Right in the middle of the living room. Maybe they'll fix the elevator before I get moved in but I'm not holding my breath on it. Rent's cheap. Neighbors won't bother me unless I want them too. And the landlord doesn't seem to give a damn what people do. It's nice. It's almost like being an adult. It's almost like having a home. It's an odd feeling certainly, but I think I might be able to get used to it with enough time. Plus a few more of my designs sold and Max brought me the money for them so that'll go to buying stuff for the place and maybe with whatever's left over I can have a housewarming party. Ha. Yeah...like that'll happen.
-Lily Kate All Grown Up
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
Charity's like the big sister I never had. I don't understand why she's so nice to me but she'll gladly stay up until sunrise listening to me ramble for hours about sh*t that doesn't matter. It's like a free therapist if a therapist shared their whiskey and offered to share their junk stash. The girl's good for a hell of a high, that's for sure. It makes for such a sweet passing of time even if I don't like the whole needle in the arm thing. Imagine that, me squeamish about needles. It's borderline hilarious even. With the tats and piercings, what's a little hypo needle going to bother me. I dunno. Maybe I just like blowing smoke rings or something. That might be it. Christmas is coming soon and Rhydin's cold. It reminds me of the holidays at my aunt and uncle's. Aunt Kathryn makes some of the best sweets this time of year. Or always really but especially this time of year. I miss them. Bad. I was asked to come over for a family Christmas at the Seaside Baronial Manor by Claire and Noctis but I dunno if I really wanna go. Charity and a few of the other neighbors are gonna have a Festivus celebration. I have no idea what that is but after hearing all they want to have there, it sounds like fun. So maybe I'll stop by Seaside for a short and play happy happy family time then head back home for the party. Charity said she managed to get her hands on a pretty wicked mix that uses something I've never even heard of. It's typically meant for non-human creatures but it ought to be a good time. Maybe it'll get the bells out of my head. I hope Stark's okay.
Tis the season
LKFD
Charity's like the big sister I never had. I don't understand why she's so nice to me but she'll gladly stay up until sunrise listening to me ramble for hours about sh*t that doesn't matter. It's like a free therapist if a therapist shared their whiskey and offered to share their junk stash. The girl's good for a hell of a high, that's for sure. It makes for such a sweet passing of time even if I don't like the whole needle in the arm thing. Imagine that, me squeamish about needles. It's borderline hilarious even. With the tats and piercings, what's a little hypo needle going to bother me. I dunno. Maybe I just like blowing smoke rings or something. That might be it. Christmas is coming soon and Rhydin's cold. It reminds me of the holidays at my aunt and uncle's. Aunt Kathryn makes some of the best sweets this time of year. Or always really but especially this time of year. I miss them. Bad. I was asked to come over for a family Christmas at the Seaside Baronial Manor by Claire and Noctis but I dunno if I really wanna go. Charity and a few of the other neighbors are gonna have a Festivus celebration. I have no idea what that is but after hearing all they want to have there, it sounds like fun. So maybe I'll stop by Seaside for a short and play happy happy family time then head back home for the party. Charity said she managed to get her hands on a pretty wicked mix that uses something I've never even heard of. It's typically meant for non-human creatures but it ought to be a good time. Maybe it'll get the bells out of my head. I hope Stark's okay.
Tis the season
LKFD
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
I keep dreaming about the airship over Rhydin and how little the city looked from way up high. And I keep dreaming about the smoke and the flames and whatever else he put into my head that night I decked him. But Charity's connection Ban'tu gave me something that he said should make it all go away. Ban'tu calls himself a street pharmacist which makes me laugh so hard I can't even describe it. But sure enough, I pay him money and he gives me pills for whatever malady I can think up. Anxiety? Take the red one. Depressed? Take two of the white ones with the little SR on them. Just really really don't want to think about life? That'd be the blue circles. Split 'em though or else you won't think about life for days. Or crush the whole damn thing and put it up your nose and you'll be as high as kite for a week. It's beautiful, really. And if you walk along the edge on the roof and just stare up, it's like you're floating through the sky. Could you imagine what it'd be like to fly like that? I only spent a few days on Stark's ship but it was incredible. The endless expanse at night, I swear I could have touched the stars had I tried. I want so badly to be one of those stars, burning bright amidst the dark, eternally immortalized as something worth admiring and wishing upon. I would be the best star ever, I'd grant every wish that was placed upon me no matter how absurd or inane. Man. Bin'tu wasn't lying when he said this would put me on my a*s. I think I've been staring at the wall for an hour now while trying to write and all I can think of is that the piece of rebar poking through looks rather sharp. Andddd that's confirmed. It's sharp. I think I've had a tetanus shot recently. I hope. Haha wouldn't that be funny. Make it through the sh*t I have only to go down due to tetanus from a steel bar. F*ck it's insanely hilarious. I should probably go clean up this hole in my hand. Of course it's my dominant hand which'll make drawing a b*tch tomorrow but oh well. I'll live. I always do.
The Unsinkable Lila
I keep dreaming about the airship over Rhydin and how little the city looked from way up high. And I keep dreaming about the smoke and the flames and whatever else he put into my head that night I decked him. But Charity's connection Ban'tu gave me something that he said should make it all go away. Ban'tu calls himself a street pharmacist which makes me laugh so hard I can't even describe it. But sure enough, I pay him money and he gives me pills for whatever malady I can think up. Anxiety? Take the red one. Depressed? Take two of the white ones with the little SR on them. Just really really don't want to think about life? That'd be the blue circles. Split 'em though or else you won't think about life for days. Or crush the whole damn thing and put it up your nose and you'll be as high as kite for a week. It's beautiful, really. And if you walk along the edge on the roof and just stare up, it's like you're floating through the sky. Could you imagine what it'd be like to fly like that? I only spent a few days on Stark's ship but it was incredible. The endless expanse at night, I swear I could have touched the stars had I tried. I want so badly to be one of those stars, burning bright amidst the dark, eternally immortalized as something worth admiring and wishing upon. I would be the best star ever, I'd grant every wish that was placed upon me no matter how absurd or inane. Man. Bin'tu wasn't lying when he said this would put me on my a*s. I think I've been staring at the wall for an hour now while trying to write and all I can think of is that the piece of rebar poking through looks rather sharp. Andddd that's confirmed. It's sharp. I think I've had a tetanus shot recently. I hope. Haha wouldn't that be funny. Make it through the sh*t I have only to go down due to tetanus from a steel bar. F*ck it's insanely hilarious. I should probably go clean up this hole in my hand. Of course it's my dominant hand which'll make drawing a b*tch tomorrow but oh well. I'll live. I always do.
The Unsinkable Lila
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
No sign heads or tails of Stark. I figured he found what he was looking for and is sailing away on his happily ever after. I hope he's fixed. It was weird looking in a mirror each time I looked at him. Maybe that's why I hated him so much at the time. Oh well. He's gone and I'm still here and from the looks of it I'll always just be right here. Such is life, c'est la vie, que sera sera, hakuna matata. Charity says those all mean that life is life and to have no worries. It seems like a fairly good mantra. And in honor of that, I'm going to see just how out of my mind I can get in the name of not worrying.
Holy f*ck that was insane. Three days. I don't remember a minute of it clearly. It makes me all tingling in my face to even try. Either that or I time traveled. I'm going to pretend that's what I did. And maybe this time that I time traveled things don't suck so bad and I'm something more than an after thought. I am something more. IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore.
-L
No sign heads or tails of Stark. I figured he found what he was looking for and is sailing away on his happily ever after. I hope he's fixed. It was weird looking in a mirror each time I looked at him. Maybe that's why I hated him so much at the time. Oh well. He's gone and I'm still here and from the looks of it I'll always just be right here. Such is life, c'est la vie, que sera sera, hakuna matata. Charity says those all mean that life is life and to have no worries. It seems like a fairly good mantra. And in honor of that, I'm going to see just how out of my mind I can get in the name of not worrying.
Holy f*ck that was insane. Three days. I don't remember a minute of it clearly. It makes me all tingling in my face to even try. Either that or I time traveled. I'm going to pretend that's what I did. And maybe this time that I time traveled things don't suck so bad and I'm something more than an after thought. I am something more. IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore IamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIamsomethingmoreIa msomethingmoreIamsomethingmore.
-L
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
I'm investigating the disappearance of some whiny rich girl. Evidently step-mommy got a little too overbearing about whiny girl's boyfriend and whiny girl went off running with him. Something about blah blah blah mind control and talking to people that aren't there. But whatever. Her dad's loaded so I'm hoping I can make quick work of this and convince a silly runaway that her first world problems are nbd and that she should come home and be a good little princess. It is really REALLY hard to keep a straight face through something like that. So I think in order to forget all the crap that's going on, I'm gonna drink my face off and go hit some people at the duels or something. Fists is the only sport worth bother with. Or it's the only one I'm halfway decent at. Either way. I feel like beating someone's face in or maybe letting someone else do the same to me. It's all the same at the end of the day, who cares. I certainly don't. And maybe I'll make enough money off this gig that I can set it aside and keep a good safety net. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!
Lila Farron-D'Artainian
Private Investigator?
I'm investigating the disappearance of some whiny rich girl. Evidently step-mommy got a little too overbearing about whiny girl's boyfriend and whiny girl went off running with him. Something about blah blah blah mind control and talking to people that aren't there. But whatever. Her dad's loaded so I'm hoping I can make quick work of this and convince a silly runaway that her first world problems are nbd and that she should come home and be a good little princess. It is really REALLY hard to keep a straight face through something like that. So I think in order to forget all the crap that's going on, I'm gonna drink my face off and go hit some people at the duels or something. Fists is the only sport worth bother with. Or it's the only one I'm halfway decent at. Either way. I feel like beating someone's face in or maybe letting someone else do the same to me. It's all the same at the end of the day, who cares. I certainly don't. And maybe I'll make enough money off this gig that I can set it aside and keep a good safety net. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!
Lila Farron-D'Artainian
Private Investigator?
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Lila
- Adventurer
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:41 pm
- Location: She isn't really sure on that one...get back to her.
[Undated Entry]
I had a long talk with Noctis today. About life, the universe, and everything else really. He didn't have a ton of answers but at least he had some insight. I was wrong about him. Sure he's a bit of a prick but he's got a good heart and at the end of the day, he look out for the ones who matter to him. He's looked out for me a time or two. It's sort of a weird feeling. I guess he's not so bad after all. He wants me to stick around this Rhydin even though I told him I don't really feel like I belong. He says nobody 'belongs' here so to speak but that we all make it work somehow. I think he likes me better than Jade and Gabriel. But I think that's because the two of them being here hurts him. Like he's being forced to look into some far off but wholly possible life where Claire isn't his. He loves her a lot. And I think she cares about him too regardless of if Jade and Gabe are here. I like both of them a fair bit but their dad's a dickbag and a half and I hope he burns in a fire. I don't care what anyone says, he can go to hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I shouldn't impart my biases from back home onto people here because while they may be similar, they're not the same. Because if they were the same, Claire would be dead just like my mom. The four year mark is coming up in May. Going to have to stock up on stuff to make it through that week I think. And maybe get a few more fights in or something. I won a few so I figure I may as well keep going right? Right.
-The Unstoppable Lila
I had a long talk with Noctis today. About life, the universe, and everything else really. He didn't have a ton of answers but at least he had some insight. I was wrong about him. Sure he's a bit of a prick but he's got a good heart and at the end of the day, he look out for the ones who matter to him. He's looked out for me a time or two. It's sort of a weird feeling. I guess he's not so bad after all. He wants me to stick around this Rhydin even though I told him I don't really feel like I belong. He says nobody 'belongs' here so to speak but that we all make it work somehow. I think he likes me better than Jade and Gabriel. But I think that's because the two of them being here hurts him. Like he's being forced to look into some far off but wholly possible life where Claire isn't his. He loves her a lot. And I think she cares about him too regardless of if Jade and Gabe are here. I like both of them a fair bit but their dad's a dickbag and a half and I hope he burns in a fire. I don't care what anyone says, he can go to hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I shouldn't impart my biases from back home onto people here because while they may be similar, they're not the same. Because if they were the same, Claire would be dead just like my mom. The four year mark is coming up in May. Going to have to stock up on stuff to make it through that week I think. And maybe get a few more fights in or something. I won a few so I figure I may as well keep going right? Right.
-The Unstoppable Lila
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