A Poorly Made Local Commercial

[Samuel Schrodinger]

A poorly made, low-budget commercial began airing locally in Rhy'Din, becoming a favorite amongst cynicals, stoners and complete tech-nerds.

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The commercial begins with a wealthy-looking woman going through the motions of buying fruit from a marketplace vendor. She begins to walk through the crowd when three hoodlums push past her, one of them snatching her purse as he passes. She begins to give chase and the camera follows shakily, as she weaves through the crowd and moves down into an alleyway. She trips, awkwardly falling to the ground.

She looks up to the camera, smiling. Cut. A close up on her face, now covered in fake tears. She wails, "Someone help me!"

Almost creepily, a dwarf in ornate, colorful loose robes appears behind her, his left fist placed against his hip and his right hand holding some sort of wand-like gadget.

"It looks like you could use the ... services of the ... services of ...", the dwarf prattles with uncertainty, his unconvincing tone that of a man who has never spoken in front of a camera before. Cut, close up of the man's face from below, giving a good view of the inside of his large nostrils. He repeats the line in the same tone, though this time he finishes it, "It looks like you could use the services of GOT GOLEMS? INC, m'lady."

"GOT GOLEMS? INC", the woman actress says without inspiration, her mock surprise lacking, "Why, what is that?"

"I'm glad you asked. GOT GOLEMS? INC is only the newest, trendiest personal protection system in Rhy'Din. I, Professor Samuel Schrodinger, Golem-Forger Extraordinaire personally program each and every Golem to fit ...", the dwarf drones on, before lazily pointing a finger straight at the camera for the end of his spiel, "... YOUR needs. Tired of street gangs stealing your purses? Need a muscular date for your ex's birthday party that you intend to crash?"

"Oh boy, do I!", the 'actress' says, fake tears still staining her cheek.

"Well, that's not all", the dwarf assures her, though he is still looking with nervous panic in his eyes at the camera, "GOT GOLEMS? INC also now is offering to rent Golems to Dueling Teams to supplement their rosters. And since every Golem has a real live dead volunteer soul in it, they are almost human!"

The dwarf and actress look at each other and laugh, awkwardly for a moment, before the camera cuts suddenly to a different take.

"GOT GOLEMS? INC, you say. Located in New Haven by that old abandoned laboratory that you bought and turned into a Golem Lab, you say. Oh my. Sign me up", the actress finishes with a slightly off-kilter thumbs up.

Meanwhile the dwarf looks directly at the camera and speaks to it, still appearing unsettled, "If you're interested in GOT GOLEMS? INC, please contact Professor Sameul Schrodinger in New Haven for a contract proposal today. Come on. What are you waiting for? Everyone loves Golems!"

With that, Schrodinger shakes the metallic wand in his hand and a string of red LED-looking lights turn on along its shaft. The camera cuts away to a wider shot. A large iron golem with the name TANKBOT A branded onto its chest-plate smashes through the brick wall next to the dwarf and actress, which earnestly scares them. They leap backwards and the woman screams. The shot cuts to a similar shot, with both dwarf and actress standing next to the golem in the alley-way, looking up to it.

Schrodinger shakes the wand in his hand and commands the Golem, "Go get that purse, Tankbot A!" A moment passes, before the Golem swings its arm with a palm open, nearly hitting the woman and dwarf who both manage to dive out of the way. Instead, the Golem's hand smashes into a phone pole, immediately shattering and toppling it.

Before the pole falls to the ground, the camera cuts again and the dwarf and actress are standing in the now debris-strewn alleyway with the Golem, which is holding up a torn purse. Makeup and other unmentionables fall from it to the street below.

Close-up shot of the actress who is giving her best cheese for the camera, unaware that fake tears are still covering her cheeks. She exclaims, if poorly, "Wow GOT GOLEMS? INC, what would I have done without you. You really saved my bacon."

Wide shot of the dwarf and actress laughing stiltedly to each other, as if there had been a joke. After a few moments, the Golem joins in, sounding even less human than the others, its laugh metallic and slightly disturbing. The Golem goes to pat the dwarf on the back in a friendly way, but exerts too much force and sends Schrodinger flying into the camera-man, which topples the view. The video cuts away to text.



GOT GOLEMS? INC
Your Golem solution!