Freelance Satirist: Amelia Enderwood
Winning Touted as Unacceptable; 'I lost before it was cool,' pathetic loser says
April 2, 2012
*As RhyDin Madness 2012 continues on to the final eight competitors (Elite Eight to those diehard fans out there), both duelists and fans alike are readying themselves for what they only describe as the loss of a lifetime.
“I can’t believe we’re finally here!” said Jana Cana, 31, at her tailgating station outside the Arena. “It’s been truly a tough streak of wins, but the losses are really memorable this year. I can’t wait to see what kind of pathetically unenthusiastic forfeits the rest of these guys can do!”
All this week dueling commentators around RhyDin have been putting in their two cents over the airwaves as far as predictions go, but as of yet no clear favorite has emerged.
"I don't know. I think it's still up in the air," said Nathan Duran, owner of Big Brutes Beer in the Marketplace. "One of these duelists could really surprise us and turn out to be really good at pissing us off."
Cishmi Ash, sportscaster for the RhyDin Observer anticipates that the Final Four should be decided by a string of very close defeats:
“Take someone like Tass. I fully believe that he can give up just as well as Red can. But if he expects to compete with the other losses in his bracket, I expect he should make some preparations ahead of time. Anyone can screw up a duel. But if he's going to be really trounced, then he needs to make as feebly deplorable an effort as possible.”
Though critics are still on the fence about most of the sword-swingers' potential this cycle, public opinion on forums has at least confirmed that Sylus and Kheldar are definitely expected to flop under pressure.
“What can I say? Those guys just suck at losing,” said Crag Blide, former duelist and questionable fan. “It takes a lot of finesse to fail – and I mean really fail, to the point that it’s almost nauseating. I’m sorry to say that they just don’t have it in them. They’re not made of the right stuff.”
Added Crag: “I lost before it was cool.”
Eight players are currently in the running, but only one can lose it all. And with a relatively fresh face like Aurast, local high school dueling coaches are at least betting on a good show.
“I’ve got in mind who is going to quit before anyone else,” said Bartleby Miller, 41. “But to be honest, I won’t put money on him. The odds really suck.”
Keep your eyes open for news about the next round of matches!
*Certain facts in the above article may have been fabricated for the sake of satire. Maybe.
[[I've been on the fence about posting this for a while, after having been spontaneously inspired by the Madness drama unfolding recently. A friend suggested I post it, though, so here it is. Yes, the Post is still closed, but I just couldn't resist. And yes, I know it's late. I hesitated.]]