Logs of a Mad Woman

[Anjolie Quinn]

Monday, October the 24th.

It's been yet another confusing weekend and I'm having quite a time of making heads or tails of life as it is. The new stable is coming along quite swimmingly. I've been spending alot of time here working on things and therefore haven't seen the slightest whipsnitch of anyone this weekend. That being said, Kallie has greatly enjoyed having me around 24/7 to wait on her hand and foot.

I mean to contact Azjah sometime this weekend to let her know of our progress and try to double check whether or not she's still interested in breeding the horses. I've been working with her stablemaster and I am honestly going to miss the efficiency of their setup once we're moved back in.

Elizabeth seems to be doing considerably better nowadays than she had right after the attack. She and Beau were very close. Even though she won't admit it, I get the feeling a vital piece of her heart died along with that man.

I've heard news of Imp's new shop in town and am planning to stop by and get Kallie a costume sometime this week. Wednesday is looking like the best bet. She wants to be a fairy princess this year and plans to take Lester out trick-or-treating with her.

As for everything else, things are simply limping along. I am thankful for being busy enough to find myself not thinking of him all the time. That being said, he takes up quite a fair share of my thoughts. I just can't help but feel like I haven't really gotten him back and even if I have that I'm getting ready to lose him again. Is it better to love someone you know has been captured by the hearts of others or simply start looking for something or someone else to depend on.

I believe this week will play a crucial part in what is to be my outlook for the winter. I intend to try and put my finger on what his intentions are before I decide where mine will lie. Until then, I'll let my emotions run their course and hope for good things to come.

-Q

[Anjolie Quinn]

The leaves have turned colors now and have created colorful guardians of the trees lining the ranch's drive and boundaries. The pregnant mare is due sometime in the next few weeks and I'm hoping to get the stables fully constructed and furnished before she delivers. We are beginning on the roof and the second set of siding this week.

Kallie has made it her life's mission to oversee all that the boys do during the day. Elizabeth has put her to work checking up on the men's needs and taking them drinks throughout the day. She keeps on telling everyone about her "Ant Illusia" who she really thinks is the coolest person in the world and they should meet her.

Halloween is approaching quickly and I'm planning on inviting all of my employees to hang out that Monday for festivities. Elizabeth and I will be cooking all weekend to create quite a feast. I'm also thinking about inviting them to bring their families and have Hank arrange hayrides for the younger ones.

There's nothing new on the homefront of my personal life. Elizabeth created a rather clever pirate's costume for me in her spare time and I intend to wear it to the Halloween dueling sometime this week. I think everything's going to be too late to keep Kallie out, but I might take her on Monday night for trick-or-treating. I mean to ask Cory if he'd be interested in going as well... or just taking her himself. We'll just have to see.... just wait and see....

-Q.

[Anjolie Quinn]

I was cursed with the rather unexpected illness of one of the hounds this morning. I have been meaning to get the vet out here, but it seems she's been busy with other calls for the last two weeks. I spoke with her a few hours ago and she agreed to come out tomorrow for the dogs' check-ups and a bit of medicine for the sick one. Even though Elizabeth takes care of the horses' health she doesn't trust her own experience with canines enough to list herself as a credible source.

I am leaving in just a bit to take Kallie into town and get her all setup with a new Halloween costume. I might be buying myself one as well in hopes that I'll have the chance to make it to the dueling on Thursday and wear something else to our own party on Monday.

Speaking of which, Kallie is running through the house like a mad woman as we speak and I need to get a few things finished before we can go. I do hope we find something suitable for the both of us. I also hope Cory has the chance to see her in the costume she has in mind. It's going to be precious. Here's hoping for happier days.

-Q.

[Guest]

After visting Imp's shop on Wednesday and finding the perfect costumes for Kallie and myself. I had decided to attend Thursday night's Halloween themed dueling.... which was altogether a bad idea.

I had heard them talking about me the night Kallie and I went to the Isle to support Cory's duel. I knew he'd been in a relationship with another woman. I knew that very well. I suppose it's just one of those things you try to ignore and act as if they didn't happen.

Surely enough, there they were together. He was dressed up to the nines as the King of Hearts... and she was there as his Queen. I probably would've been able to restrain myself more if I hadn't seen the affection. I shouldn't have gone.

I told him that Kallie and I were leaving. Was it true? I still don't know. Cory would make a great father... he wants to be her father. It's just so hard. How do you balance things out whenever jealousy takes you by the hand?

What is so wrong with wanting a husband for myself to be a father to my child. Isn't that what a family is? I always used to think so. Perhaps, I've been wrong. I don't know why I chose to tell him that I was leaving. It was cruel... it was vindictive. But, I couldn't help remembering a night not so long ago whenever he told me that he loved and could see himself having a family with me. Am I going mad?

I've never really wanted to love another man since I met Cory.

Elizabeth is furious with me. She can't believe I'm even considering leaving. I knew she wouldn't leave this place. God, I'm so confused. I am sick and tired of fighting for what I want or what I need. I don't know where to go from here. I probably should apologize to Cory. He deserves at least that much.

I just can't get the image out of my mind... him covered in her lipstick, laughing with and kissing on her. Them... together. As a couple. Makes the pit drop out of my stomach. Still, I love him. I feel hurt and battered beyond all reason... but I still love him. I don't know whether it's better to feel this pain or simply wish that I didn't. Do I wish that I didn't love him?

-Q

[Anjolie Quinn]

The sobering reality of the recently threatening Halloween season appears to be clearing. I found my busy enough to lack the time needed for this theraputic writing. A luxury, I'm afraid, I often require more than I might let on. I met with Ecorian at the Arena quite by accident a few nights past. I've decided to stay at least until I can get things worked out for Kallie. I don't want to stay... but I can't very well take his daughter from him, can I?

Elizabeth has been a great help through all of this. While she is still chided by the whole idea of my leaving to return home the woman can't help but care for me. I love her like the mother and sister I miss so very much. It is Elizabeth's suggestion that I try to collect myself and move on with life.

I suppose it is silly to reserve your heart for someone who is happy with the love of another.

Elizabeth has volunteered to keep watch over Kallie this week during the evening hours in exchange for me promising to go out and meet people. I'm afraid I've been out of the swing of this for quite some time now. Besides, there aren't too many men interested in pursuing a single mother. I suppose I always knew that to be true... I just hadn't felt the sting of it personally.

The one thing still plaguing my mind is that he said those words again. The other night... at the Arena. He said, "I love you." Why does he keep saying that? I mean, I could understand if he meant that he cared for me as a sister or a friend, but he didn't say those things. Well, perhaps I'll be able to clear my mind of this whole confusing mess soon enough.

I said I loved him as well. I didn't tell Elizabeth that.

I believe my greatest sadness through all of this will be learning how to get along without him. I mean, I was engaged to James whenever Cory told me how he felt about me. I'd felt the same way and had simply thought it wasn't meant to be. Surely enough, that night at the tavern he told me that he was in love with me. It's rather irrational whenever I think back on the whole event that I left James with little more than a glance behind me.

It's been nearly five years since that night. Without my love for Cory I'd never have met Illusia, easily my most cherished friend. I was so scared whenever he had asked me to marry him. So, I left. Sitting here in what little wisdom I have I can honestly say I don't know what was wrong with me. He was the perfect man. He'd play tricks on me and I'd get back at him. We were always fighting, always causing drama... and yet I've never loved anyone more.

He always let me come back to him. I kept telling him that one day he'd come to his senses and stop letting this hurricane of a woman drag him through another roller coaster season. And now that he's finally come to his senses I've matured into the woman he always wanted me to be. It's like the makings of a sweet tragedy. Nevertheless, my Cory has made his decision and I still can't help but love him for it. I only hope that his new love allows him to pursue his love of Kallie during their relationship. I know she means the world to him and I wouldn't dare take that from him now.

Even though I want a family so bad that I can taste it... I won't go looking for my "prince charming" until he's comfortable. Just as I've asked for him to allow a grace period for Kallie to warm up to Onyx, so too will I refrain from bringing around another man for her to idolize as a father.

I was young and foolish. However, I was, and despite my own rational mind, still am in love with Johnathan Ecorian Havoick.

-Q.

[Anjolie Quinn]

Weeks have gone by and, until this morning, I hadn't even noticed my poor, beaten journal hiding under mountains of trinkets and papers on top of the dresser in my room. That being said, I haven't even been looking for it.

Things continue to get better and better as every day goes by. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and Elizabeth and I are planning up a celebration which shall not soon be forgotten. If there's one thing Elizabeth and I could use it's this time to come together and work on something. I'm afraid we've been rather at odds as of late. It's getting better, but the distance is still painfully noticable.

I spoke with Azjah last night about getting the horses moved and plans for the breeding we'd been hoping for. I can't believe she got married! It's nice to see something so wonderful happen for that lady. She deserves it more than anyone I know. This being said, I didn't realize until after she'd told me that I knew very little of her personal life. I mean, I'd seen Klinton and her together, but I didn't even knoew she was engaged. From the way she spoke of her trip, it sounded dreadfully chaotic. I'd kill for a vacation, but perhaps one with a little less commotion.

Kallie has recently come down with a respiratory bug and the doctor has placed her on antibiotics to get rid of the effects. She's already doing considerably better and is experiencing the rather interesting side effect of being blissfully sleepy. I couldn't be happier.

According to Hank and Bill we should be finished with construction today and will be able to bring the horses back tomorrow or on Friday. I will greatly miss working with Arturo, but I look forward to the breeding of Azjah's prize stallion with the Elysian mare from my stock. I plan to start seeking out a new round of stock to better the operation. With money as tight as it is right now... the actual purchasing might need to wait until after Christmas.

As for my personal life... things are incredible. I dueled with Cory last night on the Isle, had the chance to chat wth Illusia and Steven, and came home for a quiet evening with the man I adore. Elizabeth is even starting to lessen her glare at him. Like it or not, she can't help but notice how happy he makes me and Kallie and what a truly remarkable man he is.

He's building some sort of surprise for me in the backyard. I've decided to play dumb and keep out of the area until he is done. Let him have his secrets if they please him. I can't wait until Christmas... I need to get him something special... something meaningful. I've been thinking about it alot recently and have come up with a few ideas. We'll see how they work out.

Well, I've had a long enough break and it's time to start getting lunch ready for the boys. You practically have to kill a cow every meal to fill their aching stomachs. It amazes me sometimes. They deserve it, though. Working on the ranch is a hard life, but you learn some valuable lessons and one hell of a work ethic. I wouldn't change it for the world.

-Q.

[Anjolie Quinn]

Today is the first day I've had off in a month. Literally. It's still rather early and while Cory is getting his shower I thought I'd hunker down and do a bit of writing. If nothing else, it's more of my morning habit.

I am planning on going by Azjah's Palazzo tomorrow to meet with Arturo and start moving the horses back over here. I need to ask the Marchioness what arrangement she'd like to make for the Elysian mare. There's no sense in moving her back if Azjah would rather keep her there at the stables.

On Saturday Elizabeth and I are taking Kallie to town and stocking up on things for this coming Thanksgiving. There's quite a lot of mouths to feed. I mean to send out invitations to Steven and Illusia. I'm not sure if they have other plans, but it sure would be nice to have them around. I though about inviting Azjah and her staff as well, but I wonder if it would be considered an imposition. We shall see.

I am also stopping by Mr. Culver's office to double check travel plans for Christmas. Elizabeth has agreed to watch Kallie and I'm pretty sure the expense won't her my pocketbook too much. Besides, I think that's what I've been needing. Not to mention he's been needing a break as well.

I am thankful that Kallie is almost completely recovered from her little run of sickness. This being said, I'm starting to feel something creeping up into my lungs. The last thing I want is to be sick on the holidays.

I hear the thuds of a wet man stomping around in my bathroom, so I'm going to head on downstairs and get some breakfast made. I'm so looking forward to a day without a care in the world.

[Anjolie Quinn]

It has been well over a year since I have paid this journal any mind. Reading over these otherwise disregarded and completely forgotten pages has reminded me of many things, both good and bad, that have happened in the past few years.

Life right now is both chaotic and frightening. Kallie has been gone for almost three months now and I miss my daughter desperately. Cory has been searching the northern countryside and has finally agreed to ask for help from an outside source. I have been begging him to go to Tera and Gavilean to get maps and support for exploring the upper part of their kingdom, but he refuses to do so and I wouldn't dare do it behind his back.

We had agreed whenever everything started that we would continue to function as if nothing had happened. We decided that it would be best to keep our tears and sorrows to ourselves and keep the rest of the world outside of our little sphere. I have come so close to telling Koy and Rena. There are many nights where I find myself standing in her doorway and looking over the toys still wrapped from a Christmas she didn't get to experience. The medallion that holds Lester is still glowing on her nightstand. All I can do is feel my heart ache at not constantly getting to hear her laughter.

I don't even know if she is still alive.

The only decent things that have happened to me since Christmas are the winning of Pathfinder and the appearance of Hochi. I don't know what Koy was so worried about. Pathfinder has been a most helpful ally and guiding voice. He is so calm and soothing. He seems to love it whenever we are able to spend time in the greenhouse together. I regret that I don't have more time to allow us to better understand each other at current. He has offered to help me find Kallie, but I don't think Cory really wants me going anywhere until he has a fix on the demon's position.

Hochi, on the other hand, is a whirlwind. I was so worried that Cory wasn't going to let me be close to the child, but he seems to be warming up to him quite nicely. It makes me feel better to have someone to dote on lovingly... to have someone to mother.

Cory was successful in his third defense and he promised the grant to Hochi that night after he won. The action stunned me, but I believe he did it both out of a sense of appreciation for the child's eagerness to learn and also out of love. I am hoping to show Hochi a bit more about the rules and regulations of challenging by trying to win the mantle from Cory. Besides, we have been at odds about the Ranch's master bathroom for months now and I need some closure.

I look forward to good things in the coming month. With Vanion's bloody war, my daughter's disappearance, and Koy's depression... we could all use something new and uplifting.

What I want is for my husband to bring my daughter home safe and sound. Together, with Hochi, we can get back to being a family. Wouldn't that be a nice ending to this twisted tragedy we are currently experiencing?

We could all just use a little happiness.


-Q