Moderator: Kira Adia
If you’re still interested, I’d like a chance to tell a bit of a story and get it out there. Like I said, I’m going through the process and I think opening up will help.
About five years ago, my mother and I had a falling out, and I cut all direct contact with her. I’ll spare you the details. Ultimately, it was to protect myself and my siblings from bad decisions. I left indirect means of communication open to keep the possibility of reconciliation available, but we were otherwise incommunicado.
Go back even further, back in 1999, and I was very close with her. I was close with both of my parents while they were still together. During that year, I stumbled on my mother in a chat room on AOL for Vampire the Masquerade. I thought it was really cool, so my mom showed me the Red Dragon Inn.
Everquest was still a big deal at the time, so I didn’t get into it at first. A year later, however, my best friend had given up on EQ, and the neighborhood kids I’d have sword fights with had moved. So, I logged into RDI with a character I had imagined in our sparring games, named after a typo of an existing video game character. James was born, and I was hooked.
My parents got divorced in 2001, and I’d continue to frequent the Dragon for the next two years. In hindsight, it was a way to help fill in that space left behind by no mother’s absence. We never RPed together. She quit before I started.
I left RP behind due to outside forces, and by the time I went to collage, painting, sketching, and writing short stories and poetry took its place. After a while, adult life caught up with me and I stopped even that. Then in December of this past year, I looked for the thousandth time at Google search results for the Red Dragon Inn, and I found myself here.
I’ll spare the details. You know Kira and Linna, and even James made his way back. I was in love with writing all over again. Then, on Sunday, January 24 of this year, I got the news that my mother had passed away. We never spoke in five years. She never met my daughter. The door I tried to leave cracked open just a bit was slammed shut and locked.
In some ways, the past month has been easier than I thought it would be. In others, it’s been difficult in ways I didn’t imagine. My therapist reminds me that there is no right way to grieve. But I’m healing, and I’m taking the moments as they pass.
I haven’t been able to do any serious writing since I got the news. I’ve done one story in Path of the Huntress and a handful of live play sessions. I challenged for Keeper of Fire and lost. And now I find myself unable to hear my characters in my mind. Except James, the one constant in my mental landscape for twenty years. But that’s another story.
I’ve thought about my mother every day for the past five years. I’m still thinking about her now. For the past month, I haven’t been able to make words without remembering how it was her who got me started in this hobby. If I’m being fully honest, it hurts like hell.
Right now, I can’t do RP. I’ll work on writing again, but I can’t promise when the next time I’ll make real words will be. To my friends in Rhy’Din, I’m sorry I’ve been so silent. To everyone else, thanks for how awesome this community can be. I know you’ll be there when it’s time for me to come back.
For anyone who has come this far, thank you for reading my story and letting me ramble on a bit. Finishing this feels like finding the end to that chapter, for better and for worse.
Until I see you again, じゃね and be well.
- Sara M G
- Jaycy Ashleana
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