Letters To Llothgar

[Sjira]

(Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:49 pm)

[Kruger's Posts]

My darling,

You have only been gone a few hours but my heart aches. Why did I stay behind again? For the life of me I cannot remember what you said to make me agree to it. I am here though and I miss you. How long shall I wait before I come for you? How will I find the way?
The cottage is empty without you in it. It is too quiet and everything reminds me of you. I still feel your parting kiss; I will hold it until you return to me. Then I will burn away the memory with new ones. Please return safe, and soon. If neither is possible, then return and let?s make it better together.

My heart is yours,

Kruger
________________________________
(Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 8:59 pm)

S'jira,

The days linger without you here. I don't even know if you get these letters I send. You never respond, is there a reason? Did I say something to hurt you? Is that why I feel shame? Your silence can?t protect you from me. How do I make it feel the same?


You give, I take. While I was dreaming I must have left you awake. You've soothed my every whisper, and I can't give you peace. Darlin' do what you have to, scream my name you'll be released.

Have I ever given pleasure? Or do I cause you only pain? I remember your secret smiles. Will you bring them back again? You ask, I'll beg, your voice is what I crave, those vibrations through my head. I know that I'm unworthy, to ask if there's a chance. Lean into me darling dance another dance.

I miss you,

Kruger
______________________________
(Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:26 pm)

My sweet,

It is good that you are gone at this time. I would not want you to see me this way. The cottage remains fine. When the weather turned I had a thatcher out to fix the roof. It is possible that I spent too much, my head wasn't exactly clear when I haggled on price. I have told a few that you are travelling, I think some people may believe that I have done something to you. Have I? You never respond to these letters. Sometimes I think that you have no choice.

Is it wrong of me to hope that it is beyond your control? I say it and feel guilty for what that would mean. I swear to every being who resides above that I will burn Llothgar in its entirety if they attempt to keep you from me. I will unleash the fires and turn to ash every living thing until you are returned to me, and would revel in every agonizing moment.

Would I still feel this guilt if I just made the choice to be the monster? It is good that you are gone at this time. I would not wish for you to see me this way. Perhaps if somebody loves you enough you'd be surprised by what they will do.

Where are you now?

Kruger
_______________________________
(Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:03 am)

'jira mine,

Sleep taunts me right now. I'm here, you're gone...still gone. I can remember every smile that you gifted me with. If I close my eyes I can still feel your touch on my skin. Why do you hide from me now? Is it the walls you built that wouldn't keep me out?

If it helps at all I didn't mean for you to get inside me either. Since you've been away I have been afraid. My resolve on all things has been shaken and all I have in me is worthless except for love. Is it possible that I loved you too much? Is that what sent you away from me? It's too late for me to feel any less. Your absence doesn't do anything but hurt us both. At least that absence hurts me. Do you feel it too?

I've been remiss in my thoughts of you. I'v allowed things to come between me and your memory. Those moments ring in my head like a deathknell. Should it matter that in those times I feel nothing beyond the pains that I have brought upon myself? That I can do nothing but scream in agony? It shouldn't. I'm not writing this to make you feel bad for going. Im hoping that you will forgive me my lack of complete devotion.

I am an unworthy vessel for your love. Why do I still expect to see you round a corner everywhere I go? Please 'jira, the silence is deafening. I've leared to sleep a few hours at a time, but when I wake you are first on my mind. This morning was no different except for the pain, and the cravings my body is going through. It's been three days since my vision has cleared 'jira, but the cost of that vision fills my ears in the night. I was alone when I began this. It only seems fitting to be alone at the end.

Come back to me 'jira

Kruger
___________________________
(Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 8:42 pm)

S'jira your name is still music to me,

My lost and roaming love, where are you now? Has the spring sent you farther from me or do you wind you way back? Questions I have in spade fulls, but answers remain aloof. It has been nearly two weeks of clarity for me. I miss the singing in my ears that took away all memories. Is that wrong of me? Should I feel ashamed of this too? Your absence began with a knife thrust, how was I to know that the wound would become infected? It does not heal, there is no ointment that will soothe me.

I wish only to see your face looking up at me with love. I have fought the good fight...I am as close to myself as I will ever be again. When you return there is much I must tell you. So many things for which I must be judged. Please 'jira...a sign, something that lets me know you are thinking on me.

I'm sorry. I am being selfish again. Who am I to ask you for anything? You've given so much already, and I have deserved nothing. It was you who raised me from the depths of inconsequence. I have done nothing, have said never enough. My heart still pulls when I think on you. You can never be silent enough to be rid of me. There is no distance you could go that I would not come to you at your request. I don't care if you are with another even now. He is but a shadow to what I hold for you.

'jira...my 'jira, if you were to ask me I would meet you in hell if only to see you.

Come back to me,

Kruger
_________________________
(Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:40 pm)

Most cherished S'jira,

I returned yesterday to the docks, or more specifically to the statue of the lost sailor. I sat there for hours remembering what it's like to gaze into your eyes, to lose myself in your smile. Remember the day you showed me this place? I can't get it out of my head; I can't get so much out of my head right now. I am trapped between who I was, and who I am becoming. I wait for your return so that I may get to know you all over again, but I wonder if you will still want what's left. I wonder if you will even recognize me anymore.

Has it been a month since I shrugged out of my bottle? It is close if not completely a month. The desire is still so strong, I wonder if it can be replaced by something else. It is worst in the dark when I am alone-if I had my choice it would be this time that I was rid of the thoughts. I would drown them out with a soft breath on my face and a whisper in my ear. A caress unseen that makes me laugh because a hand can?t tell where my nose is. There are other noises that would make me blush to put in these pages. You know the ones I speak of though.

I have come home again; I didn't feel right staying in a place that reminded me that you were gone. Now I need to be reminded that you were real. It is entirely possible that I could have made you up in my head. There are fewer questions about you, almost none in fact. So I am here writing by candlelight, waiting for some sign that you have heard me. I am no longer alone though. Raye gave me a puppy, his name is Hammer. He is all white except for one side of his head. He listens well, but he never holds up his end of the conversation.

All the love I possess,

Kruger
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(Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 12:33 pm)

My love,

Is it still so for you? I will go on faith that it is. I won't ask for word anymore, these letters either reach you or they don't. If not then I hope whomever they have reached is getting some kind of pleasure out of them. For now to say that I miss you is already getting tiresome I am sure. Let me change it up just a touch then.

There is a place where neck meets shoulder that longs to be filled with your head once again; to feel those silken tresses and the sweetness of your breath across my flesh. Over my heart is a space that once was warmed by your hand as you slept. These are things that a man doesn't know he has until they are taken from him. Always we seemed to fit together like hand to tailored glove. It seemed so to me anyway, I remember how you look on the world, and wish I were with you to see what you are seeing.

I begin to doubt these messages reach you, but if they do, and if this does you may wish to know that I have been asked to be best man at Rachael's and Roddy's wedding. I would so love to attend knowing that you would be with me. Are you any closer to coming home to me? Do you consider this to be home or has Llothgar stolen your heart? I could leave here for you; I know a few who might be interested in buying me out. None of this matters of course, it is as nothing compared to being with you.

How long has it been now? It is not even sixty days but it feels like years have passed. I am being silly of course, you are coming, and you just don't have the ability to send word. This I know in my heart, I cling to it nightly.

Until I hold you again, S'jira,
Kruger
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(Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 4:25 pm)

You whom my heart most wants with me,

I took my coat of and stood in the rain today. I let the drops hit my face and dreamed of swimming through them to you, an impossible prospect. If I were to accomplish that, surely it would take me somewhere just as impossible. Living without you is tearing me apart. Waiting for word from you is breaking my heart love.

I'd take anything, just stand in my door with nothing to say. If your shadow were to come near would I feel it, I thought I would once. I'm so tired now 'jira, the world needs never know how difficult it is to be here. I have walked for miles naked in the cold, and pushed any who would come to my aid. I don't want them! I want you. The fires in the hearth give the same heat but they might as well be ash and soot for the comfort they give. The trees still carry a hint of what we were, their memory is long and for that I am grateful. The wind is no comfort though, it bites as much as it caresses. There is no force on this earth that can replace a moment of your attention.

I have asked you to return, I will ask no more. I can no longer bear it when nothing comes of it. Pieces of you are everywhere around me here. Memories mostly, I wish I could forge them together sometimes, but my work is steel, not thought. I feel guilty sometimes when I go a day without thinking on you. It makes me feel as inconstant as the moons. I need you, I never told you that though. Have I taken more for granted than I should? Will I ever know? Beltane has come, and will go and still there is no sign to give a moments peace.

Είμαι ο Ήφαιστος με την Αφροδίτη σας ... σ 'αγαπώ,

Kruger
___________________________________
(Posted: Sat May 12, 2012 1:01 pm)

Angel eyes,

I have thought about letting myself be comforted by another, no one specific, it isn't like that. Then I remember those eyes, and how having you in my arms is a dream come true. I was lost at our first kiss 'jira, surrendered willingly to that magic which is being with you. I?ll never let you go; you are trapped inside my heart with me.

The first time I saw you I knew we could have something unsurpassed, but I couldn't hold on then. It always seems that we find each other in a state of flux. When it comes time for the hammer to strike and the weld to begin something comes and distracts the smith. The blow never fully falls, the iron is left away from the heat too long and we have to start again. Did I ever tell you how your smiles light up my life? Have I said how the want of them makes my heart ache? Probably not, I tend to become shortsighted. I never see what I have until it is removed from me.

Sometimes when I am alone my heart starts to falter. When the tears begin to fall I let my heart rely on the love you give to me. I?m sorry; maybe I shouldn't have told you that there are days that I have doubted us. I blame myself for not being strong enough for the both of us. What is the nexus trying to prove by bringing us to the brink and then ripping away our happiness? I have considered making something to deal with the nexus itself if it will not comply and bring you back home to me. The place in my embrace is still vacant; my heart still tells me you are the only one for me.

You're always on my mind,

Kruger.
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(Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 12:02 am)

'jira mine,

There are words I wish to say, but have no way to send them across to you. My voice simply will not carry that far. I will put them here and send them down the long road in hopes that you will receive them.

Death would not burn so, or taste so bad.
If I lost you through accidental chance.
Acceptable it might be to know of twisted hand of fate.
To feel all this and know that nothing could I do.

Death would not burn so, or look so bleak.
If illness raged, and havoc did it wreak.
To know you went fighting would give me some small comfort.
Lost though I would be, I would have done all I could.

Death would not burn so, or give such aching misery.
As right now resides inside of me.
Knowing you are out there still, yet not wanting to be here.
I let you slip away, and did nothing that I could.


They are small, almost nothing but I feel them deeply.

All my heart is open for you.

Kruger
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(Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2012 5:24 pm)

S'jira,

How do I tell you the truth, you have now been gone for longer than we were together. No word for these many months. It is my hope that happiness has found you that there is no pain from this letter. I have cleaved to your memory until loss and heartache nearly blinded me.

I can wait no longer, another has come. She has brought me solace, peace when I am with her my burdens are eased. There is with her something I have not known since before you left. I am happy again. This letter is hard to write, but I would not lie to you. I won?t have you wondering anymore, if you ever did. I still question why you never returned word to me. Surely a few words like I am fine wasn't too much to ask for.

Dammit 'jira when you left my world blew apart. I managed to pick up the pieces, but it was done without you. This last month I have been going through the motions of being alive, but rarely living. This is my goodbye 'jira, I?m sorry if it hurts, you are not alone in that. My end comes from what could have been, I no longer know what it is you wanted. I cannot continue along that pathway anymore.

Kruger

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[S'jira's Posts]

Letters All, Finally Received
(Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 7:50 am )


Much, much and more than that had happened while the small one had been within the barbaric lands of Llothgar.

S'jira had nearly not been able to make her way back into the comparably tamer lands of RhyDin. But few would know just how close the Death Warrior's proverbial spear had come to ensuring it.

The letters from Kruger had been received over the past couple of months, the last of them made it to her two nights before her return.

Each one had bled from hope to despair to resolution of paths parting. To none of them had she been able to respond. And the gods knew that she was mourning the tempest of it all.

She sat upon the flooring of her home that stood beyond RhyDin Proper's stone walls to the north. The hearth was dormant with the heart of summer in the lands already too warm to consider lighting it.

The letters were rich with his love and caring for her, even to the last one where she knew it must have pained him greatly to part from her. Touch alighted against each and every page, each in gentled turn.

Never did she consider burning them. He would never know that only he had ever written her letters such as what lay on the flooring all about her. It would not be fair nor right to tax him with that, she knew it. As tears fell, blurring a couple of the words just a little, she nicely and neatly folded up each of the letters from Kruger.

She gathered self up from the flooring of wood and stone without grace and wavered for a moment. Bruises beneath cloth of the brown work dress reminded her of the prior couple of month and trials borne to find her sister in Llothgar.

When she stood well, she moved to the back of the home where the bedroom was. The trunk at the foot of it was opened. Silks were gentled aside where they lay folded within. Her fingerstips brushed against things still cared for from Panther and the cloak the ranger had gifted to her as well. In a small, locked box, she tucked the letters inside. All were memories cherished to lay hands against when there was need to remember all the more.

A heart was ever-fixed with those memories and truly there was no need to keep the items. Still, 'jira could not see to getting rid of them. Even the cloth given to her by Ellessaria for the making of dresses and more.

The latter was graced over with the side of her hand that was heavily bronzed from too long under Llothgar's cruel sun. Then pulled the satiny fabric from the trunk, along with her mending pouch of leather.

She would settle back down before the dormant hearth with each and start again. One stitch at a time.
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A Letter Sent
(Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:23 pm)

Kruger,

This is sent by way of one of the fishermen from the docks. It is thought best this way at least for the time.

Your letters were all received. They carried with them your love and cares, as well as pains.

Please forgive. There was no chance to write as matters were full distance, then of strife that will not be written here would only serve to worry you or any who might read of it. Many times there was nothing at all to write with.

RhyDin and the cottage have been returned to and if it brings comfort, this form is well. You cared well for the cottage and thanks is given for it. The area at the stream was found and eyes saw what was done. It is not known if it was done be your hand, but it is guessed. If it was, you must know that it brought wonderful tears.

But a heart grieves at the loss of you from being gone too long. The cause was never you. The time away was never meant to be so long as it was.

There is hope that you have found a path that does not pain you as much as I have. It was never an intention, at all, to lay anything but kindness and love at your feet.

Unfortunately, the gods play a terrible game and twist at twined paths until they are broken for some. Ours.. is broken.

There are whispers at the docks that you are healing in the company of another. Whether it is a whisper or loudly borne truth. With all this heart can bare to do so, it is hoped that you have found that strength and love of that one who will never give cause to make you wonder, or the madness of worry.

Pain is great in this heart to know what was lost in foolishly not remaining behind with you and never returning to Llothgar. But it must have been meant, if what is whispered is true. Truly, this must be more needed for you. By you.

There is not talent for word and this is the longest of anything written to anyone that one has ever known.

May the gods speedily grant what you need and give you the strength in everything from playing at war for sparring to love and even of business.

Please forgive the pain that was placed at your feet...

~ s'jira