THE WINDS OF CHANGE: The Flame Flickers

[Elessaria]

{12 Oct 16}

On the opening pages of her new journal, Eless pens:

~A mountain of stone, a door of steel
Can't stand in my way, I'd go on
Brutal machines, unbending laws
Can't slow me down, I'd go on
I've learned how to deal and when to fight
I know what's real, I know what's right
I'm not afraid, a wounded dove
I can be tender in a world so tough

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know

The winds of the heart can blow me down
But I get right up and I stand my ground
I've tasted fear, my share of pain
The wasted tears of love in vain
I've held you tight, pushed you away
Now with all my might I beg you to stay

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know

I know what I want, I know what I need
But there's just one thing I must believe
Deep in the night by a dying flame
You will be there when I call your name

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know~
---
Détourner des rivières, porter des poids
Traverser des mers, je saurais faire
Défier des machines, narguer des lois
Les foudres divines, ça m'effraie pas
J'sais prendre un coup, le rendre aussi
River des clous, ça j'ai appris
J'suis pas victime, j'suis pas colombe
Et pour qu'on m'abîme, faut que je tombe
Je sais les hivers, je sais le froid
Mais la vie sans toi, je sais pas
Je savais le silence depuis longtemps
J'en sais la violence, son goût de sang
Rouges colères, sombres douleurs
Je sais ces guerres, j'en ai pas peur
Je sais me défendre, j'ai bien appris
On est pas des tendres par ici
Je sais les hivers (sais les hivers), je sais le froid (le froid)
Mais la vie sans toi (sans toi), je sais pas (je sais pas, je sais pas)
Lutte après lutte, pire après pire
Chaque minute, j'ai cru tenir
Je voudrais apprendre, jour après jour
Mais qui commande à nos amours?
Je sais les hivers (sais les hivers), je sais le froid (le froid)
Mais la vie sans toi (sans toi), je sais pas (je sais pas, je sais pas)

"I Don't Know"/"Je Sais Pas" Written by Jean-Jacques Goldman, J. Kapler

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 4th of February (2017); Evening.


It has been too long since I have been able to set my pen to paper and I would like to be able to blame it on it being my busy season, but that would not be entirely truthful. If I were to be honest with myself, it is simply because I do not even know where to begin. For the last four months, I have been lost and have been struggling to find my center. I am still struggling.

Part of me is ashamed not to have been able to say farewell to Connar. We both knew it was coming. We could sense it. We always could-- the malaise that always threatened to steal our few, stolen moments of happiness. After my breakdown with the dismantling of the nursery, I was in no condition to handle any more stress. Lyavain had attempted to hide the return of the Blood Rains from me (he is such a brave guardian), yet I detected the faint, pinkish smudges on his snowy white fur. We have never said good bye in the past because we never knew what would happen. Would either of us be killed? Would his god permit his return? There was always hope for us to cling to. We simply do not say goodbye.

However, this time he did...at least in some manner. I am not entirely certain if it was a genuine farewell. He left me a poem of sorts in the Inn, tucked in my favorite chair. Icer gave it to me. He thanked me for wanting to be his wife. And now I do not know if he will ever be able to return to me and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

All of this unrest and discord that has been stirred up since the gubernatorial elections definitely only adds to the strain. The protests, the attacks, it all seems surreal. I have had Lyavain keeping a close watch on the children and have made sure to adjust their delivery routes to safer areas. He does not like not being constantly at my side, yet understands how precious their lives are to me. So, he does as I bid him.

In the midst of all of this, I am genuinely worried about Jewell. Of course, not only by being her friend, but by mere virtue of my unique gifts, I am a potential target. Being a target, however, is nothing new to me. She attempts to be light-hearted, but I can sense the strain it is taking on her -- glamour or not. No matter what, I will do whatever I can to assist her.

Thankfully, I have dear friends to help me through. I ventured out to the Yule Ball and enjoyed myself tremendously. Danny had quite a lot to do with that. He did get rather protective and escorted me home, standing watch nearby throughout the night. It has been nice to be escorted home with all of the violence. I know it has helped ease some of Lyavain's worries and has allowed him to hunt without guilt.

Only ten days left until the Saint's holiday has passed. Then mayhaps a break?

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~
Friday, the 10th of February (2017); The Wee Hours of the Night.


When I last saw Jewell, she advised me I should leave RhyDin for a little while. She wants to keep me safe and in all the chaos surrounding her, the fact she can still care and worry about her friends makes me love her all the more. She is stronger than I think she even believes she is.

I have torn all week, trying to decide if I should stay or if I should go. If I stay, there is a strong chance I could be used to do their evil and hurt innocents or others about whom I care. If I leave, how many innocents will come to harm because I was not present to protect them? Is this even my battle? I often wonder if it is my home anymore. I know I've proclaimed RhyDin my home. I have worked hard to make a life for myself here, but so much has changed. The people are different, yet the same.

Tonight I had the opportunity to spend time with Danny again. We talked about how miserable I was and after awhile, he helped me to decide it would be for the best if I did go away for a time. He extended the invitation for me to join him and his family in their homeland for as long as I need. It helped so much to talk to someone. He did not try to sway me one way or another, only help me try to find my path. It certainly did not hurt to be held either!

The fact that he trusts me enough to touch me without gloves is a rare trust indeed. We both manage to settle each other... or mostly so. Other emotions often get stirred up, but that could have been the fae whiskey. Even though Danny refuted my belief that it was the Elven Sunsets that affected us at the Yule Ball, I often wonder if it was a pity kiss.

No, that's not fair to him.
Or to me.
I felt the truth behind his emotions. We care for each other in a very unique and special way. Who knows where it will head? At the very worst, I still have a dear friend whom I love.

In the meantime, I get to look forward to seeing Cieara again as well as their parents and the rest of the family who may be be at home during my visit. Mayhaps I may even get to Tasha if she is not out adventuring with Lusiphur! There will be much shopping and exploring to do!

A vacation! I can hardly believe it!

Well, if I do not get the shoppe tidied up, letters written to Alain, Jewell and Rena or packed, I will not get my vacation started!

~E

[Elessaria]

Rhy'Din
My Bedroom Suite above ~Heart Notes~
Sunday, the 12th of February (2017); Just past midnight.

I sent word to the Mercyvian Embassy for Danny and Cie to meet me earlier on Sunday after today's events. Luckily nobody was seriously hurt, but I am quite exhausted. Neither of them will be pleased to see my bloody lip and bruised cheek, yet they are healing pretty quickly and look much better than earlier.

I am finally packed. I am certain I will return with much more than what I am bringing: some personal items, my journal and a few outfits in similar style to what I have seen Cieara wear. Anything I shall need I will be able to purchase and if there is a delay, I am sure I can borrow something to tide me over.

I am very excited as this is my first vacation in years! At least I am trying to focus on it as a vacation and viewing it as running away. As a wise old, half dwarf told me, "'Tis not yer fight this time, lassie." Although I am worried about my friends.

I gave Lyavain a thorough bath (especially needed after the earlier skirmish) and the mischievous fellow somehow found and donned a gorgeous collar of leather and gold, decorated with sparkling citrines. I think it compliments his eyes and pristine fur very well. I guess he wished to look formal...mayhaps even regal?

The theatre awaits as does shopping, new cultural experiences, exploring marketplaces, possible dances and/or parties. Did I mention shopping? I might even make a business connection or two!

I doubt I will get much if any sleep, but I need to at least try!

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
Her Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Friday, The 3rd of November (2017); Late Evening.


A little over a year and so much has changed and yet, at the same time, so much has remained the same.

Dreams...
Nightmares..
Trust...
Fear...
Desire...
Fate...
Loneliness...
Family...
Longing...

Belonging...

Will I ever?

To someone...
To somewhere...
At sometime...

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 12th of May (2018); Evening.

It has been many months since I have set quill to these pages and I am not entirely certain why. The more things change, the more they stay the same. That seems to be life in RhyDin.

Mayhaps it is the sheer exhaustion. Lack of sleep due to the intense nightmares certainly exacts a toll. I can finally let the children return mostly to their duties in safety now that the Night Court, Jewell's doppleganger and her wild fae no longer seem to be actively dangerous. {That evil monster might be dead, but I still refuse to name her -- even on paper.) I am reluctant to allow them full freedom to perform their tasks, but I can no longer bear the burden of all of the work myself. TheSisters of Scathach seem to have disappeared and therefore, I yet worry for the safety of my charges. I still venture into the more dangerous areas or send Lyavain to accompany them about which he is very unhappy. The children still needed their coin, so during my busy season I found various jobs for them to do. I can say my shoppe and my courtyard have never looked more pristine.

While exhaustion has been part of why I have been out of the public's eye, I must admit my heart truly was not up for any of the celebrations I would normally attend.

Guilt weighs heavily upon me and I often wonder what my purpose may be and if my existence is still relevant. I could not save my dearest friend and I was of no help in her battles against her foes. I promised Ishmerai to be available if needed; however, there were others much more suited to aid her. I cannot even bring myself to honour my parents on the Spring Equinox since my last capture and torture by Calonderial even though I killed him myself.

I enjoyed my visit last Spring with the DeAusters. It felt good to be part of a family again even if it was on the fringes. I say that it was because of that visit, a wanderlust overcame me. But, if I am honest with myself, I was running away. My travels and business dealings were quite lucrative, yet really not necessary. My custom orders and the work I do for Aja's resort provide more than enough for me for several lifetimes. At times I think I do this for the street urchins, the bonds forged via Lil Bit and Kendall years ago. Yet, mayhaps I have deluded myself. They might fare better at High Spires, Stardreamer Manor or the other safe havens which have sprung up over the years.

Mayhaps all I really am is just another pretty face who is meant only to be shown off on someone's arm. Mayhaps I should have taken up the offer of (thenew, younger) Prince of Madin'at Al-Yasmen and stayed.

All I know is I cannot think clearly anymore and before I make any rash decisions, I need to resolve these nightmares which I suspect are much more than that. I may have to call in some favors from some who inhabit darker realms. I am not sure if I am ready to pay the price.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~
Sunday, the 13th of May (2018); The Wee Hours of the Morn.


I do not know which gods or goddesses to thank, but I will thank any and all who will listen. Connar yet lives and I not only got to see him, but touch him. An evening that had a terrible start due to some meddling of one of Les Voisines, was made better first by a visit with Danny and then my reunion with the Guardian of My Heart.

I usually believe I would know if he passed, but lately... my instincts are muddled and I oft doubt my gifts. I do not know how much time has passed in his realm, only that it was much, much longer than here in RhyDin.

And he forgave me for not seeing him off: one less burden for me to bear.

We take so much for granted here in RhyDin and we should not. Anything could happen at anytime.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Ruins of Asheby Manor
Friday, the 31st of August (2018); Before Dusk


Sometimes I come here in hopes of finding peace or at least answers. Unfortunately, I seem to find neither. Immersing myself in my work is how I survive. I want to thrive, not simply survive.

The nightmares are worsening and at times it is as if they infiltrate my life even when I am awake.

And the loneliness?

Sure, I could find someone to share my bed, but that is not what I want. And it is definitely not what I need. That much I do know.

When will our duties be fulfilled?

When will we get to live our lives freely?

When will I get another "tender mercy" -- falling asleep in his strong embrace, listening to the lullaby of his heartbeat, safe temporarily from the nightmares that taunt me?

Have I not yet served enough penance?

I will stay strong. I will not give up.

I promised...

~E

~Love is power, love is a smile
Love reaches out, love is the remedy
Love is the answer, love's an open door
Love is the only thing worth fighting for...~

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop At ~ Heart Notes~
Tuesday, the 2nd of October (2018), Late Afternoon.


He broke my heart.
Oh, not intentionally nor in the typical way one suffers heartbreak.

How Connar suffers so. I do not know how he survives. He has endured the duties of his god for centuries -- possibly even millennia. And I am so weak in comparison. Mere decades or years wear heavily upon me and I often wish to give up.
All I wanted was to heal his pain. If I eased it for even a brief respite, I am happy. Although I am pretty certain I did not hide my tears from him.

I hope he really heard me, amidst our teasing and banter, how much I draw strength from him. I can only hope I do not make life more difficult for him by dividing his heart between two realms.

Sometimes all we have to cling to is hope and dreams.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~
Sunday, the 28th of October (2018); Early Evening


Hardly a day passes where I do not question my purpose. However, as of late, I am beginning to question my relevance as well. Another busy season starts anew and in a few months my parfumerie will have been in business for a decade. I have a job I love, many friends too. Yet I continue to feel a gaping emptiness which threatens to swallow me whole.

RhyDin is different, but the same. I have watched it grow from its rather humble beginnings to a sprawling city with an even greater variety of denizens-- many of whom have been born here. I knew technology would grow here and yet, I still find myself slightly surprised at the plethora of cars, motorcycles, computers and cell phones. My natural (and virtually insatiable) curiosity have me exploring venues and attending events I normally would not.

I just do not feel as if I belong. I am on the outside looking in.

What good do I do?

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~
Sunday, the 28th of October (2018); Early Evening


Hardly a day passes where I do not question my purpose. However, as of late, I am beginning to question my relevance as well. Another busy season starts anew and in a few months my parfumerie will have been in business for a decade. I have a job I love, many friends too. Yet I continue to feel a gaping emptiness which threatens to swallow me whole.

RhyDin is different, but the same. I have watched it grow from its rather humble beginnings to a sprawling city with an even greater variety of denizens-- many of whom have been born here. I knew technology would grow here and yet, I still find myself slightly surprised at the plethora of cars, motorcycles, computers and cell phones. My natural (and virtually insatiable) curiosity have me exploring venues and attending events I normally would not.

I just do not feel as if I belong. I am on the outside looking in.

What good do I do?

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
Her Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~ Parfumerie
Sunday, the 4th of November (2018); Late Morning.

'Tis a good thing I have my gifts, my reputation and my bloodline in order to have escaped The Underground Rave hosted by The Fae. The worst side effect was a temporary worsening of my nightmares. I am certain the thinning of the veils only serves to exacerbate them. The mental and physical pain was worth it, however. When one seeks rare information, one seeks out The Fae. Luckily, I did not have to pay any unexpected or unreasonable "prices" during my bargaining.

I had a few leads confirmed; I am dreading pursuing them already.

A few dances and seeing some friends helped to make up for most of the disappointment.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Living Room Above ~Heart Notes~
Friday, the 9th of November (2018); Near Midnight.

Oh, it felt so good to be back behind the bar again. Although, it is not the venerable old Dragon, The Golden Perch is cozy and comfortable. The gnomish sisters run a clean establishment. I am very glad Mallory set up a meeting for me with them. While they are somewhat skeptical of my ideas for expanding and promoting their business, they do recognize my experience as a successful entrepreneur with my own business as well as my many years working and supervising at a similar establishment.

It was lovely seeing familiar faces and meeting new ones. I also made certain they are very well stocked with an assortment of my custom teas.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
The Workshop at ~Heart Notes~
Sunday, the 23rd of December; Early Morning.

Last night I took a short break to attend the Grand Opening Celebration of Unifer Brewing Company. I enjoy supporting local businesses and both Nicklaus and Juniper seem to be a very nice couple. They supply some of their creations at the Perch and they have some delicious brews.

I spent most of my brief visit on the outskirts of the crowd, but enjoyed seeing familiar faces and meeting a couple of new people.

It is so difficult to carve out free time during busy season and yet, I often bury myself in my work as an excuse.

Besides... less sleep means fewer opportunities for these persistent nightmares.

I did have the pleasure of getting to know Crispin a bit better. He helped me with Tobias, one of the street urchins I "employ". He nearly depleted my stock of teas, but I'm happy to know they will be enjoyed by him and his love.

~E

[Elessaria]

RhyDin
My Bedroom Above ~ Heart Notes~
Saturday, the 16th of February (2019); Late Morning.

Not only am I thrilled it is the tenth anniversary of the opening of ~Heart Notes~ and it became a larger success than I had ever hoped, my heart was filled with joy at seeing Connar once again. He is as whole and as well as can be expected with the burdens he carries.

It was story night at the Perch. I think it is probably a good way to keep busy and a way to get out and around people. The stories were entertaining and I had to share a story at the end. I shared an early story about me and Connar and his "order for a fragrance" upon my opening day. Of course we remember different versions of nearly all of our times spent together. Our conversations travel such twisting paths, it is no wonder we often lose track! The teasing, the shared laughter and seeing him with a lightened heart (if only briefly), gives me the courage to face another day.

I do indeed keep his letter on my nightstand along with other sentimental treasures from which I draw comfort during the darkest hours. I have it memorized:

Dearest shopkeeper,

I feared, given the lateness of the hour and the great distances I am at times required to travel, that I might not have the pleasure of visiting your parfumerie on its opening day. I would like to place an order, but do not know where to begin. I pray ye may be able to decipher the sentiments that I am unable to articulate and wrest from inside.

I wish for a scent that could fill my being with a sense of calm and peace, something I can carry with me always.

It would need to be soft, quiet, sensitive - yet having the ability to dissipate heavy burdens when called upon.

The scent I seek would have the allure of a moon-lit beach, waves cresting and falling upon sun-warmed sands.

When this potion is near me, all cares would fade away. I could bask in its beauty and feel as rich as a king.

I have, on occasion the great fortune to experience such feelings and emotions, though not nearly as oft as I would like. Were I able to be with it always, then my life would truly be heaven blest.

I know the hour is late, for I would have this for a gift to share on St. Valentine's day. I do not know the hour of my return, but, should I tarry, I pray to have occasion to share with ye the source of such delight.

Your devoted servant,

Connar

I cannot wait until I see him again. Our time apart makes our time shared all the more precious.

~E