Ringside Rewind

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition One, 10/13 - 10/19
October 20th, 2011

Welcome to the first edition of Ringside Rewind! Brought to you by none other than me, Harris D'Artainian, currently the longest reigning holder of PathFinder, which as of this writing is up to 450 days and counting. What can you expect from Ringside Rewind? A comprehensive look at the previous week of dueling in the Outback, including who's great (me) and who absolutely sucks (everyone else). So without further ado...

Highlight of the Week: Jaycy Ashleana (or Alexander, at least until she finds a new boy toy) cleaves through a field of ten to win Diamond Quest LXVII. After several months of trying she finally found a place I wasn't at to punch her repeatedly into submission. By virtue of my not showing up for this DQ, she won. Now, I'm not going to say she begged me desperately not to show up, because libel is a punishable offense, so instead I'll simply subtly imply that this is a thing she did. Congratulations Jaycy!

-Speaking of the DQ, last cycle's Diamond, Sartan, showed up just long enough to lose his opening round match to Artemus Kurgen before mysteriously disappearing. It's assumed that this is due to shame, as anyone losing to Art probably wouldn't want to show their face in the Outback for the rest of the night.

-In the wake of the DQ three Opal challenges were issued! Tasslehofl Momus has opted to take up Jaycy's dropped challenge against Artemus for MoonBeryl. I'm pretty sure due to his advanced age that Tass has a colonoscopy appointment fairly soon, so expect scheduling difficulties for that bout.

-The second challenge came from relative newcomer Candy, who's looking to give Dizzy Flores a run for her money for ShadoWeaver. Under normal circumstances I'd probably suggest this be fought under strip dueling rules, but since I know firsthand that Dizzy punches like a man I don't wanna run the risk of finding out she uses the same restroom I do too.

-Last and also least, Sarah Matthews has issued yet another challenge to yours truly. For those of you not keeping track, I've been doing nothing but trouncing broads lately and have already put her down on two separate occasions. I'll happily take suggestions for methods to keep me from falling asleep in the ring when I'm inevitably overcome with boredom.

-I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Candy went 7-1 this past week. You know what that means? You people need to go out and find mentors.

Chump(s) of the Week: I'm not naming names (Vice, Rachael Wynter), but when you have a numbers advantage in a match at least one of you should win. Even if you are fighting Matthew Simon at the same time in The Can. Just saying.

That's all for this week! Please keep your hate mail to a minimum, otherwise I'll use it against you. And don't forget to submit your favorite brawler for Brute of the Week, or hell, get into a ring and earn that shiny belt buckle yourself!

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Two, 10/20 - 10/26
October 27th, 2011

This second edition of Ringside Rewind is unusually sweet, thanks to a heaping helping of Candy. But don't worry, it won't rot your teeth, as this particular brand of Candy is actually more likely to bloody your nose and break your fingers. Moderation is suggested if you happen to value your health.

Highlight of the Week: Me, gracing the Outback in my new, custom made Birmingham brown pinstripe three piece suit. As an 11 time titleholder and currently the longest reigning holder of PathFinder at 457 days, it's my responsibility to dress like the champion I am; which is why all my suits are purchased at Tailored Xavier's. Mention my name and get a 15% discount on anything in the store! You're welcome.

-I never thought I'd say this, but women in the Outback are starting to show too much skin. In this particular case it's the top of Candy's head, which she apparently decided to shave for some reason. Bald only looks good on eagles... if you're into that sort of thing. But inquiring minds want to know; does the carpet match the drapes?

-Speaking of balding, apparently in preparation for our match Sarah lost a duel to Candy where the stipulation was she had to shave her head as well. Whatever dignity Mur didn't suck out of her (literally) and Candy didn't clip off of her I pretty much plan to take when we fight. But on the bright side she'll be all poised and ready to join whatever cult Candy is starting.

-Rachael's got herself a new mentor to replace the perpetually off the wagon Mur. Can you guess who it is? Candy, who appears to be running amok all through the Outback. With Mur missing in action a team of specialists have been recruited to begin the search, consisting of Captain Morgan, Johnnie Walker, and Jack Daniels. Godspeed, gentlemen. Godspeed.

-Chick fight! Normally I'd report on the challenge between Candy and Dizzy, but I have more important things to do, like watch paint dry or possibly grass grow. Those options seemed to be more entertaining to the masses as well, which is undoubtedly the reason why virtually nobody attended the match. Maybe strip dueling wasn't such a terrible idea afterall.

-Hide your women and children and farm animals! Anubis was not only spotted in the Outback this week, sporting a serious case of ring rust in a loss to Seirichi, but he also issued a challenge to Gork for FireStar! As much as tanning beds, pedicures, and eye shadow are important he probably should've been spending more time hitting the old bag. And no, I don't mean his wife Dawn.

Chump of the Week: What's a six letter word for loser? D-Y-A-R-H-K. In a feat of incompetence that would even impress Xerzes he managed to lose to Rachael twice, Seirichi twice, and Kalinda once ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT. If I thought Candy understood the concept of pity I would assume that's the only reason he managed to salvage a win against her. Next time bring a ball gag and a gimp suit if you're going to spend the night letting women dominate you.

The Outback is open Monday through Wednesday and brawling is also available on Fight Nights, Friday and Sunday! Drag your least favorite Rhydinian into a ring and pound their face into mush! It's very therapeutic. Like acupuncture, except with your fists.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Three, 10/27 - 11/02
November 3rd, 2011

This third edition of Ringside Rewind is brought to you by Dueler Appreciation Week, running from November 6th through November 13th! FINALLY. It's a shame it's taken so long for someone to dedicate an entire week to me and my astounding feats of excellence. With an Opal challenge record of 18-3 I have a plethora of highlights for fans to choose from, so pick your favorite (assuming you can decide on just one) and submit it! Then come out for Dueler Appreciation Week to celebrate me. It's one of the few times I'll happily sign autographs free of charge. Limit one per person.

Highlight of the Week: Former Governor Matthew Simon comes out on top in the special seasonal Harvest Tournament run by the Diamond herself, Jaycy! After a grueling night of dueling against the likes of Dyarhk (hahahaha!), Candy, Corlanthis (...really?), and Seirichi, Matt managed to make up for his losing effort in the recent DQ by earning himself... nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Well, technically he won a free Opal challenge that he can't use and has to give away since he's currently the holder of IceDancer. The only thing more useless than his prize is the competition he had to defeat to earn it. Good job Matt!

-Seirichi not only managed to win the Panther's Claw at the aforementioned Harvest Tournament but also picked up enough wins to gain Emerald this week! As much as I appreciate her attempts to impress me with her success I'll still have to decline her offer of fathering her next child. I'm not interested in damaged merchandise, especially after it's already been mishandled by Dyarhk.

-Speaking of Seirichi, I thought they made women sturdy in her homeland of Adenna? After meeting her maid, Nayun, who I overheard has a prosthetic limb (read: peg leg) I'm curious as to how she lost the original in the first place. And wouldn't it count as an illegal foreign (literally) object in the Outback's rings? Does this mean I'm allowed to fight her with a wood chipper? Someone ask Matt for me the next time you see him.

-I'm not going to ridicule Rachael for getting shut out by Tass in the Harvest Tournament. I will instead suggest that any spare points you may have lying around you be considerate enough to donate to her, as she'll undoubtedly be desperate for them in the future.

-Kaja Adair was spotted around the Outback all week, and her husband G'nort celebrated her glorious return by dragging her into the ring for a beating. I suppose that's the only appropriate punishment for those that manage to escape from the dastardly clutches of G'nort's love dungeon. You would think he could afford higher quality shackles.

Chump of the Week: Sarah Matthews. Sarah Matthews. Sarah Matthews. That's once for each of the times I've defended my Opal against her. Yes, I did it again this past week. Though unless you're as great as I am, mentioning her name three times in a row causes you to immediately lose whatever duel you happen to be in. Frankly, even with one hand tied behind my back for the entirety of the challenge I've still gotten a better fight out of an overturned tortoise. That brings my illustrious Opal reign to a total of 464 days, which is coincidentally the approximate amount of Sarah's brain cells I've utterly obliterated.

I know I've set the bar high, but the best way you can improve yourself in an effort to be as good as I am is by getting into a ring and fighting tooth and nail. Otherwise the only way you'll ever taste greatness is by buying a box of Frosted Flakes. And you can take that to the bank. But the kitchen will probably be better since that's where the milk is. Until next week, try not to suck.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Four, 11/03 - 11/09
November 10th, 2011

Even with an Opal reign currently sitting at 471 days, some readers have suggested I get off my high horse. Unfortunately since I didn't pack a parachute I'm afraid the dismount would make my wife a widow. Instead I suppose I'll simply wait for everyone else to reach my level. Maybe we can play polo then. But for now, enjoy this fourth edition of the Post's best article. Much like myself it's better than perfection.

Highlight of the Week: My driver, Ignacio, managing to squeeze my limousine through the Outback's double doors without damaging the vehicle whatsoever when he dropped me off this past week. The place was cluttered with an assortment of riff raff that I deemed to be worth an extra five dollars in tip money if he hit them, but he instead insisted a cow catcher would need to be installed before he'd commit vehicular manslaughter. That being said, if any of you get caught in the grill next time around you're automatically eligible for chump of the week, so feel free to throw yourself at my limo for a chance at fame.

-Artemus Kurgen, holder of MoonBeryl, managed to defeat Tass this past week for his first defense of the title. In a show of bravado he opted to waive his grace period and received immediate challenge from Roderick Douglas. Art fighting the old and infirmed as well as cross-dressers seems like an appropriate level of competition for him. I look forward to the day the training wheels finally come off.

-In an effort to have a legitimate excuse for putting her hands all over me, Seirichi issued a challenge for my Opal as well. Since I'm pretty sure it's mating season in Adenna I wisely decided to make her wait until my grace period is up, to allow her unnaturally high testosterone levels to return to normal.

-Matthew Simon's involvement in a few of the recent challenges in the Arena this past week has spurned another duelist to come after his Opal in retaliation. Unfortunately that duelist happens to be Ria Graziano. On the bright side, the fact that Ria's hitting the brawling scene again means the Graziano clan finally has more than one sow to support their always growing herd.

-Apparently Matt's also decided that the Outback needs a healthy dose of the Arena's cronyism (buy a dictionary) as he and the Arena's Overlord, Ellisa Morgan, continue to trade favors. The Opal grant he won in the recent Harvest Tournment has been given to Ellisa, who promptly challenged Dizzy Flores for ShadoWeaver. I thought Koyliak was the Outback's resident masochist? The beating Ellisa is going to take will likely force the Baronial Council to utilize her dental records afterward to identify her as the Overlord, which might be hard with her teeth scattered all across the Outback.

-Also, in a feat worthy of a much lesser duelist, Matt managed to convince another trio of Glass fighters that taking him on all at the same time would somehow turn out well for them. In predictable fashion, he beat them all without ever having to pop a Centrum Silver. The only thing easier and less satisfying than fighting three Glasses is Jaycy.

Chump of the Week: Tasslehofl Momus. Can anyone even remember the last time Tass won a high profile match? Here, I'll help you out. It was when Matt Simon was still Governor. Yes, Tass has been on the losing end of his past six challenge attempts, including his most recent defeat at the hands of Art. Since we all know you can't teach an old dog new tricks, like winning, maybe it's time to put him out to pasture. Or call in the glue truck. Or take him out behind the wood shed. I think Tass would be better suited to bringing a self defense whistle to the ring and blowing it repeatedly in the hopes that someone will come to his aid.

Sooner or later Rhydin is gonna bleed everyone dry. So why not spill some of that blood in the Outback? It's a place where men go to be men. And sometimes women go there to be men too, which simply means the place doesn't discriminate if you're willing to bleed for it. Contrary to what your doctor says, your spleen is not a vital organ and can take much more abuse than you'd think, so what are you waiting for?

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Five, 11/10 - 11/16
November 17th, 2011

It shouldn't surprise anyone that my fame has spread well beyond the meager realm of Rhydin at this point. In fact, yours truly has been personally invited to judge Adenna's Fifth Annual Swimsuit Competition. Even though I'm still mostly unsure of where Adenna is I feel it's worth mentioning that this competition is open to anyone anywhere, including Rhydin. So for the sake of my legions of female readers I've been kind enough to include the application for the competition. Really, there's no reason not to enter. I mean, unless you're ugly.

Highlight of the Week: Scientists, magi, and theologists are all baffled at the recent development this past week in the Outback that seems to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Doomsday has arrived. These are words I never in my wildest imaginations thought I would write, but… Rachael Wynter has made rank. Yes, Rachael made Jade this past week and I fully expect to be reporting next week that she lost it. Still, at the pace she’s going it’s well within her grasp to win Diamond Quest CCLXVII in the year 2062. So give her a hearty pat on the back the next time you see her!

-Anubis Karos took back his favorite Opal from Gork, marking the fourth time in his career that he’s defeated him for FireStar. Gork’s only recourse at this point would be to join the slaver’s harem, as that’s the only tactic he has left if he ever hopes to beat him off.

-Candy announced to the Outback her interest in being a future burn victim this week by issuing challenge to Anubis immediately after he defeated Gork and waived his grace period. I only hope for Candy's sake the slaver prefers his rump steak seared as opposed to well done.

-In honor of Dueler Appreciation Week, Fight Night was held in the Marketplace on Friday and Rhydin’s esteemed Governor Fionna Helston al-Amat showed up to help end the week with a bang. Thankfully for her I don’t mean that literally.

-Vince Smith was in a match this week, scrapping it out with Ria. It's heartening to still see Vince in the ring giving it his all even though he's never peaked and never will.

Chump of the Week: Artemus Kurgen. Unsurprisingly, a week between challenges wasn’t enough time for Art to prepare another defense, thus proving why only duelists with actual talent should waive their grace period. After losing MoonBeryl to Roderick in two lopsided duels I feel compelled to intervene on Art’s behalf and invite him to the dojo for training. My wife Stick runs a children’s class every week that’s perfectly suited for him.

I completely understand that everyone wants to get into the ring with me considering my reign with PathFinder is up to a historic 478 days, but that's a privilege you have to earn first. So until then you’re going to have to settle for something lesser, much like every woman in Rhydin realized when I finally got married.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Who's Who Holiday Edition
November 24th, 2011

My greatness is well documented. You can’t help but notice my face on the Outback’s Wall of Diamonds for winning Diamond Quest XXXIII and XXXVI. And of course my 485 day reign with PathFinder is worthy of the most epic of bard’s tales. But unfortunately everyone seems to breeze right on by the trophy case without giving it the in-depth look it truly deserves. But don’t worry, I’m not here to scold you for your ignorance of the past and those that came before you. Instead, this edition will rewind a bit further back than you’re used to, so proper thanks can be given to those that paved the way in the spirit of the holiday.

Who… has won the most Diamonds? Why that record belongs to former Governor Matthew Algiers Simon, who won his 9th Diamond in January of 2010. One can only assume the reason he hasn’t picked up that record setting tenth Diamond Quest victory is because his space steroids have been delayed. Everybody knows he can’t do it without them.

Who… holds the record for most Opal defenses in a single reign? After his terrible performance against Candy this past week it’s hard to believe that record belongs to Anubis Karos, with a total of nine defenses during one of his tenures with FireStar. Considering the fact that since he set that record he hasn’t been able to muster up even a single Opal defense it’s safe to assume the dog of Egypt has finally been properly neutered.

Who… was the first person to hold all of the Outback’s titles? Tareth Thorn became the first All Title Holder in the Outback in 2003 and will forever be known as the first brawler to hold every Opal and the Diamond. Granted, after I achieved the same feat two months later it became obvious he wouldn’t be known as the *best* brawler to hold every Opal and the Diamond, but there’s no disgrace in coming up short in comparison to me.

Who… was the first person to reach the 100 wins over losses plateau? Shannon Kimberly Colton was responsible for this feat and for setting the standard for all female brawlers that came after her. She is your Patron Saint of Feminine Brutality, which surprisingly is not an oxymoron. Unfortunately she’s gotten old and is so far out of her prime she probably doesn’t even remember she did this. Or the names of her great grandchildren.

Who… holds the record for most duels in a cycle? Really, you didn’t think I’d save the best for last? Yes, this record is currently held by yours truly and will likely never be broken. Fighting 174 duels in a three month time span takes an unmatched amount of stamina, drive, competitive spirit, and skill. So much skill. Not only did I fight a high volume of matches I won the vast majority of them, which helped propel me to reach and eventually surpass 100 wins over losses and is one of the many, many reasons I get to look down on the rest of you as inferior beings.

Consider yourself educated. Now maybe the next time you see the trophy case in the Outback you'll think twice about strolling past it and instead stop and learn a thing or two about the sport. There’s no shame in setting such a lofty goal as being as good as me. The shame is in not even bothering to try.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Seven, 11/24 - 11/30
December 1st, 2011

Just because I’m currently in Adenna on a working vacation doesn’t mean I don’t still know what’s going on. So if you were hoping to hide your considerable shame this week, think again. The venues have cameras. Most of which aren’t hidden. Some that are. But in any case, Big Brother is capturing all your failures for me to then dissect and criticize. Your weekly reminder of why I’m better than you is here at last, so rejoice!

Highlight of the Week: Dizzy Flores defends her Opal against Britania Grey. BARELY. Britania is a Glass. Dizzy however is an 8-time Opal holder and former Diamond who managed to scrape by with 7-6 and 5-3 victories. Britania took her to TRIPLE SUDDEN DEATH in the first match somehow. My initial assumption is that Dizzy must not be getting enough protein in her diet, which can adversely impact a fighter’s performance. I suggest more tube steak.

-In a surprise undertaking this week Seirichi actually seems to have taken her Ritalin long enough to remember to reissue a challenge for my Opal, now that my grace period has elapsed. Hopefully she’s used to popping pills by now because the sheer volume of prescription medications she’ll be on after I’m done with her will put Mur’s alcohol dependency to absolute shame.

-Is there a reason why Matt isn’t fighting anyone for IceDancer? Now he’s got two challenges, one from Ria and one from Mur, both in limbo. As far as I’m concerned he should prove his mettle by fighting them at the same time in the Outback’s first Triple Threat Match. I mean, he is the sport’s Supervisor so he can do that. Unless he’s chicken.

-In a rare sighting, Corlanthis was spotted in a match this week. In a not so rare sighting, Corlanthis was spotted getting beat up in a match this week. The Outback loves it when Cor comes by, since he’s one of the few people left in the sport that doesn’t actually seem to understand the concept of winning or how to achieve it.

-To the disappointment of all the cats stranded in trees across Rhydin, Neo Eternity showed up for a brawl this week too. His dedication to finally completing his Real Man Training, which I believe is now in its fourteenth year, almost brings a tear to my eye. Once his voice changes I believe it will be official.

Chump of the Week: Andu Kirost. How does a ten foot tall giant horned bull creature lose? It’s not a thing that should ever happen. Was his opponent waving a red cape at him? Did he spot a fine heifer outside the ring that he couldn’t resist milking? I know how distracting Candy can be, but I would never suggest trying to milk her. It’d probably be sour anyway.

I know the Outback isn’t the same without me, but don’t worry, soon I’ll be adding another defense to my 492 day reign at Seirichi’s expense. So help yourself by making certain every day in December is free on your calendar so you can be awed and watch me make history when a date is determined for the match.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Eight, 12/01 – 12/07
December 8th, 2011

After 499 days of holding PathFinder any sane, reasonable individual would assume that I’m completely unstoppable. Unfortunately Seirichi has proven on numerous occasions that she lacks any sort of common sense, which is why we’re currently scheduled to fight on Monday, December 12th at 9:30 PM (RST) for my Opal. I will finally grant her greatest desire by putting her on her back and pounding away. Unfortunately for her it will be with my fists. She’ll still bleed like it’s her first time though. Now as for the rest of you, well...

Highlight of the Week: It's rare that someone earns the highlight of the week after being the previous week's chump, but I can't help but give Andu credit where credit is due. The ten foot tall bull creature actually dared to drag himself up onto Styx to fight Tass this past week, which in and of itself would be impressive. But it turns out he happened to win the match up there as well by a score of 5-2, meaning Tass had to leave disappointed he was unable to fetch any Rocky Mountain Oysters for his dinner that evening.

-The Pit was unkind to Candy this week, as she suffered losses in the mud filled ring to both Gork and Tass. With all the time she spends down there it shouldn't be too difficult to guess where she plans to lay her eggs when the time comes.

-Myria is one of a myriad of Grazianos out and about that I’m sure everyone has lost track of or confused with one another. She’s actually the most noteworthy of the clan, due to her not having accomplished anything worth noting other than smacking Gork around this week. How ironic. Is she the black sheep of the family? Is she adopted? Is one of her Sisters actually her Mother? These are all valid questions that I hope get answered one day.

-Is it wrong that I feel bad whenever I see Misty fighting? I always have this desire to lure her away from the ring with a large ball of yarn and have someone feed her Fancy Feast. If you'd like to volunteer for this duty please let me know.

Chump of the Week: All of you. Unless I'm mistaken things were so slow last week that the fights were in the single digits. I wasn't aware that mediocrity was the new acceptable standard. If you're not in the ring then you're not getting better, and if you're not getting better then that just means you'll see yourself in this article more and more frequently. If you can't do it on your own then find yourself a half competent mentor like Rachael did to assist you with not sucking. If she can do it then that means there's hope for anyone.

What a terrible week for brawling. Thankfully since I'll be in action next week things will automatically pick up by at least five-hundred percent, so I'm not worried. When the Outback needs a shot in the arm I'm always there to jab the needle where it actually needs to go, which is the fleshy rump part. Feel free to follow my example because realistically you won't find a better one.

[Darien Fenner]

Note from the Editor:


Due to the author's recent relocation, the staff at the Post has agreed to suspend indefinitely the Ringside Rewind column. We regret the author's departure from our pages and ask that any of his future fan correspondence please be forwarded to his RhyDin address.


-Michael M. Twert

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Nine, 05/17 – 05/23
May 24th, 2012

Apparently without this article The Rhydin Post completely collapsed in on itself. Color me whatever shade unsurprised is. I went on an extended ice fishing trip for a couple of months after my last challenge and everything ended up turned on its ear. People who are mostly terrible (read: Tass) suddenly have titles and a surge of unwarranted confidence to go with it. Don’t worry though, because the King is back and has plans to issue the challenge to end all challenges sometime in the near future. But in the meantime let’s take a look at what passes for fighting in the Outback when I’m not present.

Highlight of the Week: You have to ask? Back by popular demand, the only article to have survived the downfall of the RhyDin Post, YOUR Ringside Rewind! Without your atrocious, shameful, and insulting interpretation of what you all consider to be “fighting” this article could not exist. It’s your in-ring failings to meet my perfectly reasonable expectations that allows the Ringside Rewind to live on. So I applaud those of you inept enough to lose hilariously to a small round pink soccer ball. Because goddamn, that’s entertaining.

-Speaking of which, I would be remiss in not congratulating Rachael Wynter as she tied the knot with Roderick Douglas this past week. If you plan on sending them precious stones as a wedding gift, don’t bother. Neither of them seems to be able to hold onto one for long.

-Mur is one step away from completing his lifelong goal of being more like me by becoming an All-Title Holder now that he’s challenged Matt a third time for IceDancer, aka BeerCooler. On Sunday, June 3rd at 10 PM (RST) we’ll all get to see if Mur shows up sober this time. Win or lose you can bet he won’t leave that way though.

-One can’t bring up the crippling impact alcoholism has on brawlers without also mentioning Red Orc Brewery’s owner and everyone’s favorite Half-Orc, Jake Thrash, who dropped by the Outback this week to prove… well, I don’t actually know what he dropped in to prove. That he’s still alive maybe? Honestly I think he must’ve gotten separated from his designated caregiver, which is the only way to explain why he ended up in the Pit with Candy punching him. At least I don’t have to wonder anymore why Jake’s only a Half-Orc, since it’s pretty obvious these days the other half consists of incontinence.

-Vince wandered away from the Isle long enough to get beat around by someone I've never heard of before that isn't even on the standings. I think he got hit so hard he actually forgot he won DQ 48. I would suggest retirement at this point, but with the two cauliflower ears he probably has I doubt he'd hear me.

-That Jedi fellow that Gwen Minx is mentoring managed to pick up a couple of wins this week and make Jade. I don’t know why it took him so long. If he had used the Vulcan neck pinch from the start he’d probably be an Emerald by now.

-They say bad things come in threes, which explains why Maria, Myria, and Ria Graziano were all in the Outback at the same time one night this past week. There were rumblings of some sort of hostile takeover. My question is, a takeover of what? The Crew doesn’t have the clout anymore to take back the outhouse they were all spawned in, let alone anything dueling related.

Chump of the Week: MATTHEW ALGIERS SIMON, AKA CAPTAIN FUTILITY. Candy performed a violent act in the Outback. Matt decided to fine her. For being violent. IN THE OUTBACK. I don't believe I'm being overly critical when I say that's like fining people for running with sharp objects in the Arena. If people can't go to the Outback to unleash their pent up sexual frustration like Candy does in the Pit, where can they go? Is this the first sign that Matt is going to finally convert the Outback into an oxygen bar? Can we dig up Rask or Ringo or Tex and have them run the place again instead?

Having shouldered the burden of true skill for so long I will admit that I had grown weary. A reasonable dose of rest and relaxation was in order, but I see I may have lingered too long. The children need a role model. The women cry out for an Adonis. And the Outback yearns for a King. Thankfully I can fill all those needs rather effortlessly. You’re welcome.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Ten, 05/24 – 05/30
May 31st, 2012

I know you’re all interested to find out what this challenge I plan to issue is all about. At least if you’re not an Opal. If you are then you’ve most likely been afflicted by a bout of cold sweats recently, induced primarily by fear and your general level of incompetence in comparison to me. Relax. Until PathFinder finds a new holder, I won’t be issuing anything. But be certain to keep an eye out on these boards to find out when that tournament will be held and then steel yourself accordingly for the challenge I will make once that’s completed.

Highlight of the Week: For those of you that require additional help in fighting Candy (which is apparently every single one of you), you’ll be elated to find out that her weakness has finally been revealed. After a 5-0 drubbing in 6 rounds against Degnor I’ve determined that if you’re not me the best way to stop Candy is to be a robot. So drop by Rhydinbots today to get upgraded, because God knows some of you could use the enhancements. Especially Mur, if you listen to anything Sarah has to say.

-It should be no surprise that when it comes to decision making that Seirichi has proven to be terrible. Her current mentee, Kruger, decided to TEST HIS MIGHT against… a kitten. The match didn’t finish, but honestly, it shouldn’t have taken place at all. WHY WOULD YOU FIGHT A KITTEN? Did Seirichi remove his manhood and her training method consists of him starting from the bottom to earn it back? Because honestly, a real man’s only interaction with a kitty should be petting it. To boot, this guy actually expects people to vote for him for Governor. If Rhydin wanted an elected official light in the loafers we’d just drag Dris back out of whatever brothel he’s decided to make his new residence.

-Jaycy’s apparently challenged Jigglypuff in an effort to keep MoonBeryl’s revolving door swinging. Speaking of swinging, I’m hoping Jaycy wins. She may be prone to putting things in her mouth, but at least she’s classy enough to have never swallowed. Err, an Opal that is.

-Lacey Stripes is a stripper name. That is all.

-After losing to Jaycy and Sarah this week I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Misty might possibly need to find herself a mentor that’s done something other than lose to Matt in the last year and a half. I bet Candy could toughen her up enough to lose to Jigglypuff too.

Chump of the Week: Rachael Douglas. Talk about cosmic irony. Was I the only person that laughed when Kheldar stamped her challenge invalid? Be honest. You laughed. How could anyone not? After forcing Jigglypuff to wait a WHOLE FIVE EXTRA DAYS to issue challenge, she still lost. And then turned around and tried to take MoonBeryl back before her 30 day period had elapsed. I can’t even ridicule Rachael for losing again because she’s gotten so terrible she fails before even reaching that step.

Complaints are natural. Everyone has them. Though some of your complaints seem to be directed at me and this article, because you disagree with the facts as I’ve presented them. Since I’m such a magnanimous King I will air any grievances you people have in an issue dedicated entirely to the mail I receive. So don’t be shy! Drop off a note at the dojo and I swear I’ll read it at least once before I burn it.

((OOC Note: PM me any mail your character(s) drop off, please and thank you.))

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Eleven, 5/31 - 6/6
June 7th, 2012

It's election time again in RhyDin. And you know what that means? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I mean, for the sheep that actually show up to the polls, I guess they think it means something. In any case, the candidates that will ignore the interests of the dueling venues again this year are Kruger "Pussy Galore" Allen, Audrey Horne, and Fionna Helston Alibaba. Your best choice is to find or create a write in section on the ballot and scribble "Cookie Monster" as your official vote. Because honestly, is there a better platform than cookies?

Highlight of the Week: I Robot appears to have made Jade this week. The coming of the robot apocalypse is upon us! Don't panic though. I'll still be around after it's over to repopulate the planet with whatever remaining non-ugly women are left. So I guess Seirichi will finally get her wish after you're all overrun and assimilated. I suppose I should practice my motorboating.

-Speaking of the woman you people let become Diamond, it seems that the Opal she was forced to give up is FINALLY up for grabs in a tournament. That only took a month and a half. Anyway, the tournament to crown the next holder of PathFinder will be held on Sunday, June 10th under Slugfest rules. Frankly whoever wins won't come close to living up to the example I set with my 500+ day reign, but inferior brawling is better than none at all.

-What in the blue hell is The Hydra Cup? Can anyone just make up their own fictional prizes now and start giving them away? Before you ask, no, I'm not recruiting because I don't plan on leading a team. And no, I won't be on yours, where I would undoubtedly be doing all the work as one of only three currently active Triple Crown winners. Don't worry, you can still win without me. I mean, *someone* has to win, right?

-Why are all the mentors letting their mentees run around unsupervised? First it's Wyheree letting Misty wander into the ring, now it's Gwen doing the same thing with that Jedi guy, who got himself trounced twice this week by Candy. Maybe before he duels he should wish for the Force to be with HIM as opposed to his opponent. Just a thought.

-Also, on a personal note, I'm getting tired of having to watch Candy fight in the Pit whenever I show up in the Outback. No woman should spend that much time down in the mud fully clothed and without dollar bills in her mouth.

-Anubis announced his intent to challenge for IceDancer this week before Matt's defense even occurred. After the two beatings he took at Candy's hands it would probably be smart of him to take some time to think about this challenge and then pull out. If only the Yeti that impregnanted his Mother had the same common sense we would've been saved a lot of trouble over the years.

Chump of the Week: Mur Ollavan, becauase AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sorry, but that's the best analysis I can offer after he scored just one point against Matt in the two duels they fought over IceDancer. And really, judging by the rapidly declining quality of his challenges, this recent one being his third, by the time he finally gets his hands on an Opal he should probably just hand it over to Matt immediately.

I'm done with you people. I mean, for this week. There's only so much tape I can watch before I get physically ill. If I overlooked anyone, consider yourself fortunate. To make myself feel better I plan on watching the tape from Diamond Quest 33 and 36, when I dominated the field. I wouldn't spend so much time resting on my laurels if they weren't so numerous and comfortable. Just saying.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Edition Twelve, 6/7 - 6/13
June 14th, 2012

Unlike some people that will remain nameless, it's never been necessary for me to beg anyone to let me teach them. Those truly willing to learn from the best are astute enough to seek me out to gain the tools required for success in and out of the rings. However, as I've ascended to another plane of skill entirely the disparity between myself and the rest of you seems to have grown larger than ever. If one desires to learn how to fish they seek out a fisherman, not a God. Therefore a mentor closer to your own level is best for everyone in the long run, so if you're tired of going home missing teeth then find an Emerald, Opal, or (sigh) Diamond to coach you. What have you got to lose? I mean, other than more duels that is.

Highlight of the Week: Did Jake really win another Slugfest tournament this past week and get his hands on PathFinder for the first time in his career? Reading the results initially led me to question my own literacy, but after actually watching the tape of him defeating Nayun in the finals I came to the obvious conclusion that someone had tampered with the Outback's recording equipment. The video engineer I called in assured me that no monkeyshines or shenanigans had taken place, so as a last resort I had no other choice than to go see my optometrist, anticipating I'd require either corrective eye surgery or possibly glasses of some sort. Only when my eye doctor informed me my vision was perfect did I accept the fact Jake had actually won the tournament again. Reality must be broken somewhere for this to have happened twice, but congratulations are in order anyway I suppose.

-I'm not the only person that thinks watching G'nort flail around in the Outback trying to fight is laughable, am I? Stepping into the ring with former Diamonds and Opals at the PathFinder tournament is a lot different than attempting to wrestle cupcakes away from his ex-wife Prin, therefore I'm assuming he just wanted some fresh bruises so he'd look tough for his new lady. What a sly devil.

-Did you catch Pslyder in the Outback rings this past week? No? Neither did I, but that's just because I wasn't really paying attention when he was there. I heard he picked up several wins though, including one against Jaycy. There's no better way to prepare for a divorce than by proving your physical dominance over your spouse. It's good to see he's thinking ahead.

-I was gonna win my duels, but then I got high. I was gonna flip those jabs from Candy, but then I got hiiiiiiigh. My face is all messed up, and I know why. Because I got high, because I got high, because I got hiiiiiiiiiigh. Be warned, Outback patrons. Standing within ten feet of King may very well lead to a contact high and all your duels will be lost that evening, just like her.

-Why can't all the women that frequent the Outback be as classy, well-dressed, and sophisticated as Koyliak? The only questionable decision that woman's ever made in her life was who she decided to spend the rest of it with, but I'm not here to judge. Honest.

-Beep beep! The short bus made two extra special stops at the Outback this week as Lily subbed in for Kheldar. Whoever let her out of the house without her helmet should be ashamed of their negligence. Though without Taco Tuesday to distract her she did a reasonable enough job and even had the honor (GUFFAW) to call a duel for Xerzes. And can any of you out there surmise the outcome of his duel? Don't worry, I'll wait. Now, if you guessed "lost hilariously" then yes, you'd be correct. You also just described virtually every duel Xerzes has ever fought in his career.

Chump of the Week: Ria Graziano. In a rare occurrence Ria managed to get beaten in a match faster than I even thought was humanly possible. Thanks to the Slugfest scoring system Ria had her doughy ass handed to her 5-0 in 4 rounds against Nayun in the fourth round of the Pathfinder tournament. My advice? Get knocked up again so she has another excuse to bring that hologram back to duel in her stead, since it's painfully obvious she doesn't have and never did have the talent to actually win a fist fight on her own.

With a new holder of PathFinder crowned it's time for me to intensify my training regimen in anticipation of issuing the greatest challenge the Outback will ever see. Unfortunately this means I won't have time to write next week's article. Don't worry though, I searched high and low (mainly low) and found an appropriate guest columnist to critique your performance and keep you on your toes. Who did I get? Well, this time next week you'll find out, so keep your eyes open for the next Ringside Rewind. Same Outback time, same Outback channel!

[Seirichi]

Ringside Rewind, Diamond Edition
June 21st, 2012

Harris practically BEGGED me to write this half year summary for you people, so you better be grateful that I even wasted my time doing this. And by my time, I mean the kid I paid a few silver to take dictation. The little guy probably has school or something in the morning. You do go to school, right? You RhyDin folk are either half retarded or act like it so it's hard to tell. Wait, don't write that! Yes, I did say to write down every glorious word that spills from my lips, but... Hell, nevermind, I'm not getting paid for this anyway. So, what I've decided to do here is pick through all these little tournaments and whatnot and choose the best three to talk about. Starting with...

NUMBER THREE
MoonBeryl and Panther's Claw Tag Team Tournament, AKA How To Get Carried To An Opal

First I'd like to say I HATED this tournament because I couldn't join. I mean what's with the hate against Opal holders? With my skill I should have been able to hold both MoonBeryl and PathFinder! One title at a time really isn't enough swag for me, but whatever. Let's look back at the team line up for the tournament.

1: Backpack (Rachael) and Shadow
Team Name: Shadow's back sure feels tired after carrying his teammate the whole tournament.

2: Jaycy and Rhiannon
Team Name: Someone I don't even remember right now and the chick that talks about her family a little too much.

3: Koy and Teagan
Team Name: The should have been true winners of the tournament.

4: Not a King and Jiggly-thing
Team Name: Some punk who calls herself King, sorry but that's MY title, and the Jiggly thing.

5: General Something and Chicken Whatever
Team Name: Well what is there to say about choking chickens that you haven't already heard on the playground?

6: Gwen "Bringing Sexy Back" Minx and Some Dude
Team Name: I only paid attention to their fights because Gwen was in them.

I'm not going to bore you all with a rundown of what happened during the tournament. I mean, it didn't even have that good of a crowd watching it. Want to know why? I wasn't in it. It was hard watching the tape of the final fight as Rachael was getting her ass handed to her by some punk two ranks below her at Ruby. I couldn't stop laughing. Good thing she's on the Watch though, right RhyDin? You can sleep easy tonight knowing your streets are patrolled by someone that got the beatdown from a Catholic schoolgirl. Anyway, I blame Candy for this travesty. She should have put a little more effort into smacking the lip twitches right out of the woman when they were training. I got to admit, everything looked pretty lost after that, but Shadow carried his mostly useless teammate to victory, and he did it with STYLE. Getting pushed to the very edge of losing, then finally beating down that wannabe-King, and moved right on along to wreck that Jiggly-thing. Guess we found out who the real king of the ring was that night.

Oh.. Did I mention Shadow carried Rachael? I need you to get this in your head. Seriously. He got the Panther's Claw for all that work and his teammate was GIFTED an Opal. I wouldn't call that fair. I would have started a petition for Shadow to be given MoonBeryl. But hey, we all saw what Rachael did with the Opal once she got her hands on it. I was there at that Opal challenge too, kid. It was hilarious. How can you take some fight seriously if your opponent is the Jiggly-thing? It's called kick back and have fun, but that woman was acting like it was a real battle to the death or something. Why are you still writing?

NUMBER TWO
The MoonBeryl challenge between my maid Nayun and Roderick "Why Did You Marry Her" Douglas. I don't even know why that guy likes her. It's confusing the f**k out of me. Is it the scar? I know some people like scars, but the attitude behind it is just terrible. Whatever, let's do the next one. You ready, kid?

I'm not going to linger on this one long. That's me saying that, not Roderick during his third fight in his attempted defense of MoonBeryl. My maid completely wrecked the poor guy. At least he held onto his balls long enough to take the second fight, because if he hadn't I would have been forced to take away his man card. Here's the rundown. Nayun pretty much slapped Roderick around for nine rounds in the first fight, gaining her first shutout of the night. He was probably pretty shaken since he got trashed by some fifteen year old autistic girl. Maybe that was the reality check he needed to, you know, try and win. He did come back with a solid 5-2 victory in the next match, but then for some reason he got his sh*t pushed in again by the same fifteen year old autistic girl, who if she reads this will demand I call her a woman instead and completely ignore the fact that I'm calling her autistic. Anyway, both of the matches she won with PERFECT scores. I'm also going to add something about this being a first for the Duel of Fists. You know, shutting out your opponent twice in a challenge. I request a special title and a portrait of my maid to hang below my own. Just make sure it's about half a size smaller.

I'd also like to say fifteen year old autistic girl again and also note that I'm not even joking when I say that.

NUMBER ONE
The 69th Diamond Quest

I won. Deal with it.
End Credits.

That pretty much sums up what's worth talking about, since my domination of Harris leading to me smashing him through the Outback's furniture was last year. Sure there were other challenges and crap like that, but other than Candy's continued destruction of Anubis and Mur's hilarious defeat at the hands of Matt Simon, there's really nothing else worth going over or even wasting my time with. So I'm going to pay this kid his other silver and send him on his way. You all stay cute.

[Harris]

Ringside Rewind, Top 7 Things You Need To Know To Stay In The Know About Jake Thrash Edition
June 28th, 2012

For those of you still living under a rock or in a cave or your Mom's attic, I've challenged Jake "Half-Ass" Thrash for PathFinder, because frankly he doesn't deserve to hold the Opal. It's probably the least complicated challenge I've issued that someone decided to then make as complicated as possible. Though as important as that is, I already know what you're all thinking instead. Did Harris really just blatantly steal an article idea from The Gossip GangSTAR? The answer is yes. I apologize in advance to my loyal readers for my lack of originality in this week's column but... I just didn't feel like trying hard. There seems to be a serious case of it floating around. It's so virulent that I couldn't even manage the usual ten items Marc Franco writes. Hopefully it's only temporary. But for now, enjoy this entirely fact based top 7 list!

#7. Jake is responsible for broadening RhyDin's beverage palette by introducing half-orc urine to every bar, tavern, and inn across RhyDin, cleverly labeled as "Badsider".

#6. Jake is well known for coining the name "BeerCooler" for the Blue Opal, apparently because the concept of making ice without a magic rock is somehow difficult to grasp.

#5. Jake fought his way out of the breeding pens of Gothgulka, which is really just a fancy way of saying he somehow managed to beat all the other swimmers to the egg even after his Mother swallowed him.

#4. Jake has managed to remain in fighting shape all these years by sticking to a steady diet that consists entirely of breast milk.

#3. Jake was born with a birth defect rare to his species, a tail. The only reason nobody is aware of it is because he keeps it firmly tucked between his legs at all times.

#2. Jake is one of the many skilled artisans that participated in creating the Outback's bar. One look at it and it's impossible to deny that he's very skilled with his hands. Just ask any of the serving lads.

#1. Jake spent his youth surviving on the Plains of Blood with nothing but his wits and his blade. His symbolic return there occurs on a monthly basis, whenever he has his period.

It probably seems selfish of me to only focus on myself and my challenge when FireStar, IceDancer, and ShadoWeaver also have pending challenges. But honestly, do you care? Can you, off the top of your head, name the parties involved in any of those brawls? Can any of them live up to a fight that I'm in? Of course not. Still, go watch them anyway. Think of them as the appetizers before a full, eight course meal. With an open bar. And singing waiters. And... well, you get my point I'm sure.