OOC note to aid in understanding this journal:
Most of Kenzi's "experience" in life has come from books, classes, etc. She will commonly try to solve problems by using facts from these various sources because she doesn't have any real life experience. Therefore lot of her journal posts will likely have information from articles she has read (I have read) and will partly be very clinical and factual and then devolve into her actually getting to the emotion of a subject. It could read a lot like a psychiatrist/patient relationship where the facts and book knowledge are the psychiatrist and her heart felt musings are the patient reacting to what the psychiatrist is saying. Not sure if that makes sense or is helpful but there it is.
Down the Rabbit Hole--(Kenzi's journal)
Moderators: Talathian, Kenzi, Rayvinn
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Saturday 0924
--Wee hours
Touch.
It's such a simple word that brings about the most complex sensations and imaginings. A psychology article I read for class listed the various meanings of touch.
Why am I so afraid of it?
Why do I fear craving physical contact with others when science has proven the value and psychology has proven the need?
Perhaps it is the misinterpretation of intent or desire. I fear being misunderstood and the repercussions that arise from that type of misunderstanding.
I fear being seen as weak, more so that others will see the loneliness beneath my exuberance.
What if they knew that all of the loud obnoxiousness, the party girl demeanor, was mostly a façade to help me get through one more day?
I spent nearly a year on that island and I joke about missing real booze more than any other thing. But what I truly missed, and still miss, is feeling that connection to another person. I am making new friends but they are still that: new friends. I am still hiding from them.
I am so tired of hiding. I just want to touch someone and feel the comfort of their presence.
I just want to feel the reassurance:
Maybe it's time to move on?
There is no one.
I am so tired of hiding.
OOC note: The above list of "meanings of touch" was taken from a Psychology Today article written by Adrian Furnham, Ph.D and can be located here.
--Wee hours
Touch.
It's such a simple word that brings about the most complex sensations and imaginings. A psychology article I read for class listed the various meanings of touch.
- Positive emotions and affect: from the nurse, therapist and carer symbolising affection, support, and reassurance.
- Negative emotions, like anger and frustration: from hitting, slapping and squeezing another
- Specific and discrete emotions: stroking and patting for sympathy
- Playfulness and humour: ticking, “false” punches
- Influencing and persuading: holding the upper arm while shaking hands
- Conversation control and interaction management: tapping a person to remind of something
- Responsiveness:touching to indicate agreement, empathy, involvement in the conversation
- Task related: this is the functional, directional touch when engaged in cooperative tasks
- Symbolism: usually of warmth, friendship and inclusion.
Why am I so afraid of it?
Why do I fear craving physical contact with others when science has proven the value and psychology has proven the need?
Perhaps it is the misinterpretation of intent or desire. I fear being misunderstood and the repercussions that arise from that type of misunderstanding.
I fear being seen as weak, more so that others will see the loneliness beneath my exuberance.
What if they knew that all of the loud obnoxiousness, the party girl demeanor, was mostly a façade to help me get through one more day?
I spent nearly a year on that island and I joke about missing real booze more than any other thing. But what I truly missed, and still miss, is feeling that connection to another person. I am making new friends but they are still that: new friends. I am still hiding from them.
I am so tired of hiding. I just want to touch someone and feel the comfort of their presence.
I just want to feel the reassurance:
- That this is not the island.
That I am not truly alone.
That I can overcome these feelings of loneliness and fear.
Maybe it's time to move on?
There is no one.
I am so tired of hiding.
OOC note: The above list of "meanings of touch" was taken from a Psychology Today article written by Adrian Furnham, Ph.D and can be located here.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Saturday 0924
--early afternoon
I don't know how to process wtf happened today.
It started out innocent and as a joke and ended up in a kiss.
I thought my heart was going to explode. My whole body felt like it was on fire and I didn't care about anything else.
Gods I don't even know what she thinks of me now. I mean, it wasn't like I took off my clothes while this happened. I was already naked because I was sleeping. I mean, she can't think I'm some sorta sleaze because of that, right?
She's the one that pulled me onto her. She's the one that took away every thought that didn't involve her skin or her mouth.
But thankfully she was also the one with the self control to stop it at a kiss.
Because I couldn't have.
And wouldn't have.
So, we stopped. Just being held, feeling the warmth and energy of an affectionate touch, was probably better than sex, anyway.
I mean, maybe there should be something to compare that to? For scientific purposes, of course. It is an unequal equation and I can't factually deduce that feeling an affectionate touch would be greater than feeling a sexual touch.
Okay, this is really bothering me now. Unsolved equations and a deficit of facts that make it impossible to accurately carry out an experiment...these are things of evil.
((a bunch of scribbles mar the page as she takes out her frustration on the paper with her pencil.))
Anyway, she wanted to know what I wanted it to lead up to and...I didn't know. I'm not good at being close to people. Not really. I've tried and then I feel like a bird locked in a cage. I can't be suffocated.
But I can't just have some casual fling with her.
Or him.
Or anyone really because...how is that right?
Sleep. I just need to sleep and then I can make a list of pros and cons. I can get my thoughts organized and I'll be able to calculate it all and formulate a plan.
Who needs emotion when there is math and science to fix it all?
Naptime.
--early afternoon
I don't know how to process wtf happened today.
It started out innocent and as a joke and ended up in a kiss.
I thought my heart was going to explode. My whole body felt like it was on fire and I didn't care about anything else.
Gods I don't even know what she thinks of me now. I mean, it wasn't like I took off my clothes while this happened. I was already naked because I was sleeping. I mean, she can't think I'm some sorta sleaze because of that, right?
She's the one that pulled me onto her. She's the one that took away every thought that didn't involve her skin or her mouth.
But thankfully she was also the one with the self control to stop it at a kiss.
Because I couldn't have.
And wouldn't have.
So, we stopped. Just being held, feeling the warmth and energy of an affectionate touch, was probably better than sex, anyway.
I mean, maybe there should be something to compare that to? For scientific purposes, of course. It is an unequal equation and I can't factually deduce that feeling an affectionate touch would be greater than feeling a sexual touch.
Okay, this is really bothering me now. Unsolved equations and a deficit of facts that make it impossible to accurately carry out an experiment...these are things of evil.
((a bunch of scribbles mar the page as she takes out her frustration on the paper with her pencil.))
Anyway, she wanted to know what I wanted it to lead up to and...I didn't know. I'm not good at being close to people. Not really. I've tried and then I feel like a bird locked in a cage. I can't be suffocated.
But I can't just have some casual fling with her.
Or him.
Or anyone really because...how is that right?
Sleep. I just need to sleep and then I can make a list of pros and cons. I can get my thoughts organized and I'll be able to calculate it all and formulate a plan.
Who needs emotion when there is math and science to fix it all?
Naptime.
Last edited by Kenzi on Sun Sep 25, 2016 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Satruday 0924
-evening
So much for getting much of a nap to clear my head.
He called me. I mean, he finally called me. How long has he had my number? How many times have we “stalked” one another, supposedly just showing up by accident when it was basically planned that we would run into one another and hang out. My favorite bar, his favorite bar, the Annex, the marketplace, Overlord Isle, the Inn, the street exactly halfway between my apartment building and the Arena. Pretty much everywhere.
Reading that makes it sound so stupid and childish. Do I really need to have him stalk me and vice versa in order to hang out or go out with him?
He asked me out on an actual date. That kind of surprised me but I guess it shouldn’t have now that I think about it.
But the point is…he just now finally called me. AND WOKE ME UP FROM MY NAP.
Then he tried to bribe me into not being mad at him with an ice cream cone. But there were only two scoops and everyone knows (apparently not everyone) that two scoops are not really bribe worthy. So I was permitted to stay peeved.
Not my fault if he doesn’t know the rules and plays the game all wrong.
Anyway, I helped him look for apartments for a few hours. He’s really not as much of a jerkface as I first thought he was.
And he’s actually fun to spend time with, though I don’t think I will tell him that.
He’s held so closely to my command of no touching that he is very literally not touching me. At all. It’s impressive, really.
So, to recap the day thus far: I was naked and kinda made out with a chick and then I helped a guy look for an apartment and had ice cream with him.
Is this confusing or what?
Why…why am I asking an inanimate object?
I’ve sunk to a new low…I now have to talk to my journal about my escapades.
But at least I’m not keeping everything all bottled up now.
I’m going to sleep.
-evening
So much for getting much of a nap to clear my head.
He called me. I mean, he finally called me. How long has he had my number? How many times have we “stalked” one another, supposedly just showing up by accident when it was basically planned that we would run into one another and hang out. My favorite bar, his favorite bar, the Annex, the marketplace, Overlord Isle, the Inn, the street exactly halfway between my apartment building and the Arena. Pretty much everywhere.
Reading that makes it sound so stupid and childish. Do I really need to have him stalk me and vice versa in order to hang out or go out with him?
He asked me out on an actual date. That kind of surprised me but I guess it shouldn’t have now that I think about it.
But the point is…he just now finally called me. AND WOKE ME UP FROM MY NAP.
Then he tried to bribe me into not being mad at him with an ice cream cone. But there were only two scoops and everyone knows (apparently not everyone) that two scoops are not really bribe worthy. So I was permitted to stay peeved.
Not my fault if he doesn’t know the rules and plays the game all wrong.
Anyway, I helped him look for apartments for a few hours. He’s really not as much of a jerkface as I first thought he was.
And he’s actually fun to spend time with, though I don’t think I will tell him that.
He’s held so closely to my command of no touching that he is very literally not touching me. At all. It’s impressive, really.
So, to recap the day thus far: I was naked and kinda made out with a chick and then I helped a guy look for an apartment and had ice cream with him.
Is this confusing or what?
Why…why am I asking an inanimate object?
I’ve sunk to a new low…I now have to talk to my journal about my escapades.
But at least I’m not keeping everything all bottled up now.
I’m going to sleep.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Sunday 0925
–wee hours
I can’t sleep.
She’s sleeping next to me and I can’t sleep. She doesn’t snore, and we’re both fully clothed, and there was no touching so there aren’t any obvious reasons why I shouldn’t be sleeping too.
Except that I can’t turn my brain off.
This stupid hoodie I stole from her…it smells like her and the scent is overwhelming and going to ****ing drive me insane. I can’t explain it really. It’s like candy but not. Like home (not that I know what that is) and comfort. It’s like…I’m starving and I can smell my favorite food. I’m obsessing and I can’t turn it off.
I tried to tell her about it when I got here tonight. She was grossed out that I was wearing something that she had worn. She asked if she should be worried because I can’t stop smelling this stupid thing.
I don’t know if she should or not. Maybe?
I don’t know what is wrong (and it is clearly wrong if it makes people think I am weird!) and I don’t know why it is so intoxicating. I can’t explain it to myself or to her. Why do I want to ****ing devour her? I mean, I don’t actually want to sink my teeth into her flesh or anything like that but I just feel this urge…I don’t know what it is an urge to do. It isn’t logical.
**** I hate things that aren’t logical.
There are so many changes happening to me. I don’t know what or why or how to fix myself. Something is wrong.
Earlier tonight, he touched my hair and it felt like… I had taken a breath of the freshest air after being cooped up breathing stale, stagnant air before. It was refreshing and I wasn’t as tired anymore.
After I had gotten upset by some trouble I had unintentionally caused, he rubbed my shoulder and it felt like what had been bothering me wasn’t such a big deal anymore. I felt warmer.
He touched my hand and we kissed. It was just a payment on a bet but…I didn’t feel like I was kissing someone clinically to settle a bet. There was something more.
Anyway…I can’t explain what happens when people touch me now.
It isn’t just when either of those two touch me. It’s when anyone does. Though I have noticed the most drastic changes when it has been one of them.
I can feel some sensation within me; warmth, my energy increases, my senses are sharper, I’m famished, overwhelmed with desire, something. Sometimes the feeling of need is so overpowering that I don’t know if (and then how) I can control it.
There is always something and thus far all I can figure out is that the experience seems to be either what I need at the moment or it is a reflection of what is occurring within my mind.
Kenzi, you’ve been a broken mess all of your life.
But this…
I need to try to sleep. Being an absolute whore is exhausting.
–wee hours
I can’t sleep.
She’s sleeping next to me and I can’t sleep. She doesn’t snore, and we’re both fully clothed, and there was no touching so there aren’t any obvious reasons why I shouldn’t be sleeping too.
Except that I can’t turn my brain off.
This stupid hoodie I stole from her…it smells like her and the scent is overwhelming and going to ****ing drive me insane. I can’t explain it really. It’s like candy but not. Like home (not that I know what that is) and comfort. It’s like…I’m starving and I can smell my favorite food. I’m obsessing and I can’t turn it off.
I tried to tell her about it when I got here tonight. She was grossed out that I was wearing something that she had worn. She asked if she should be worried because I can’t stop smelling this stupid thing.
I don’t know if she should or not. Maybe?
I don’t know what is wrong (and it is clearly wrong if it makes people think I am weird!) and I don’t know why it is so intoxicating. I can’t explain it to myself or to her. Why do I want to ****ing devour her? I mean, I don’t actually want to sink my teeth into her flesh or anything like that but I just feel this urge…I don’t know what it is an urge to do. It isn’t logical.
**** I hate things that aren’t logical.
There are so many changes happening to me. I don’t know what or why or how to fix myself. Something is wrong.
Earlier tonight, he touched my hair and it felt like… I had taken a breath of the freshest air after being cooped up breathing stale, stagnant air before. It was refreshing and I wasn’t as tired anymore.
After I had gotten upset by some trouble I had unintentionally caused, he rubbed my shoulder and it felt like what had been bothering me wasn’t such a big deal anymore. I felt warmer.
He touched my hand and we kissed. It was just a payment on a bet but…I didn’t feel like I was kissing someone clinically to settle a bet. There was something more.
Anyway…I can’t explain what happens when people touch me now.
It isn’t just when either of those two touch me. It’s when anyone does. Though I have noticed the most drastic changes when it has been one of them.
I can feel some sensation within me; warmth, my energy increases, my senses are sharper, I’m famished, overwhelmed with desire, something. Sometimes the feeling of need is so overpowering that I don’t know if (and then how) I can control it.
There is always something and thus far all I can figure out is that the experience seems to be either what I need at the moment or it is a reflection of what is occurring within my mind.
Kenzi, you’ve been a broken mess all of your life.
But this…
I need to try to sleep. Being an absolute whore is exhausting.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Sunday 0925
--afternoon
I got my lazy ass out of bed at 7am. SEVEN-FREAKING-A.M.
If you weren't an inanimate object (or an object animated by some seriously kickass magic) you would ask me wtf made me torture myself like that. I know you would, because you are an extension of me and I am most certainly asking myself wtf.
I made her breakfast. I cooked BEAST...and managed not to cry or puke while doing so. If there's such a thing as a card for vegetarians...they're going to take mine away.
I think she liked it. I dunno. She touched my side and I sorta zoned out as my mind went to the places that no decent individual would ever talk about. Not even to the inanimate extension of themselves.
Okay, maybe just a little bit. This is supposed to keep me from losing my ****, right? That's what the shrink said. I do a pretty good impression of Dr. Signorelli, I think. "Ms. Davis, if you wish to control your magic, you must first learn to control your emotions. You must not have an excess built up within you because that is an excess of energy which fuels the magic." How the **** does a vanilla human man know about **** like magic and controlling female emotions?
I have to wonder what he is going to say when I tell him about attac--confronting Raleigh and how the fire reacted. Or about me telling what I thought were lies that didn't affect me at all. Or the lie that I did tell that made me physically ill. He had told me I would not be able to lie at all. But that wasn't true. What kind of fae shrink is this guy? He clearly doesn't know what he is talking about so I don't really need to see him anymore, right?
Except, I really am losing my **** here and all of this crazy stuff is happening that I can't even begin to explain, let alone control.
Don't they make a book for people like me? "Embrace Your Inner Fae" or some **** like that?
Speaking of that. The unspeakable F word. I told her about it this morning. And I felt ashamed. Why am I ashamed of this? It's who I am and it isn't like I chose it.
Well, I guess I technically did choose to be reborn...but at the beginning? I didn't ask to be born as this and really, even though I guess I cast a spell for all of the rebirths since then? I didn't actually choose to be fae. I just chose to be alive.
It's all any of us choose to be each day. We don't get to choose what race or species or sex we are. Well, most of us don't. But we get to choose to live (until something bigger and meaner chooses otherwise).
I don't know why I thought she would be angry and tell me to leave. It's not at all who she has shown herself to be. And it wasn't who she showed me this time either. She just said (pretty much like she did yesterday) that she liked me because I'm me. I'm not sure I will ever accept that at face value. Maybe because I don't like me.
I'm loud and obnoxious. I'm little and I have red hair. My skin is too pale. My eyes do weird ****. My hair isn't even combed half the time. I wear glasses. I cry when animals hurt. I want to inflict insane amounts of pain on people that hurt animals. I cry when people hurt. I feel like everything that goes wrong is my fault. My body is stupid and keyed up all of the time now. I feel like I am high a lot. I want to have sex all of the time. I hate wanting to have sex all of the time. I hate hating to want to have sex all of the time. I want someone to hold me like I'm a freaking baby and tell me that I am not going crazy and that I am going to get my **** together and be okay. I'm more comfortable with science and animals than I am emotions and people. I'm disjointed.
I hide from everyone that wants to get to know me.
Because...what if they get to know me and then realize they made a huge mistake?
I could probably fill this notebook to the brim and then another with all of the reasons I don't like myself and feel like others shouldn't like me.
But I'm glad someone does like me.
We're going out this week. On a date.
And I have a date with him. A real one this time and not just our stalking game.
What am I doing? I don't know if this is okay or if it's wrong. If it's wrong then I guess that makes me terrible for being excited about it.
Does everyone stress out this much about dating? Or is this one more reason that I am ridiculous?
Time to clean myself up and try to look like someone that doesn't have crazy crawling around inside their skin. Maybe that'll get me three scoops today instead of two.
--afternoon
I got my lazy ass out of bed at 7am. SEVEN-FREAKING-A.M.
If you weren't an inanimate object (or an object animated by some seriously kickass magic) you would ask me wtf made me torture myself like that. I know you would, because you are an extension of me and I am most certainly asking myself wtf.
I made her breakfast. I cooked BEAST...and managed not to cry or puke while doing so. If there's such a thing as a card for vegetarians...they're going to take mine away.
I think she liked it. I dunno. She touched my side and I sorta zoned out as my mind went to the places that no decent individual would ever talk about. Not even to the inanimate extension of themselves.
Okay, maybe just a little bit. This is supposed to keep me from losing my ****, right? That's what the shrink said. I do a pretty good impression of Dr. Signorelli, I think. "Ms. Davis, if you wish to control your magic, you must first learn to control your emotions. You must not have an excess built up within you because that is an excess of energy which fuels the magic." How the **** does a vanilla human man know about **** like magic and controlling female emotions?
I have to wonder what he is going to say when I tell him about attac--confronting Raleigh and how the fire reacted. Or about me telling what I thought were lies that didn't affect me at all. Or the lie that I did tell that made me physically ill. He had told me I would not be able to lie at all. But that wasn't true. What kind of fae shrink is this guy? He clearly doesn't know what he is talking about so I don't really need to see him anymore, right?
Except, I really am losing my **** here and all of this crazy stuff is happening that I can't even begin to explain, let alone control.
Don't they make a book for people like me? "Embrace Your Inner Fae" or some **** like that?
Speaking of that. The unspeakable F word. I told her about it this morning. And I felt ashamed. Why am I ashamed of this? It's who I am and it isn't like I chose it.
Well, I guess I technically did choose to be reborn...but at the beginning? I didn't ask to be born as this and really, even though I guess I cast a spell for all of the rebirths since then? I didn't actually choose to be fae. I just chose to be alive.
It's all any of us choose to be each day. We don't get to choose what race or species or sex we are. Well, most of us don't. But we get to choose to live (until something bigger and meaner chooses otherwise).
I don't know why I thought she would be angry and tell me to leave. It's not at all who she has shown herself to be. And it wasn't who she showed me this time either. She just said (pretty much like she did yesterday) that she liked me because I'm me. I'm not sure I will ever accept that at face value. Maybe because I don't like me.
I'm loud and obnoxious. I'm little and I have red hair. My skin is too pale. My eyes do weird ****. My hair isn't even combed half the time. I wear glasses. I cry when animals hurt. I want to inflict insane amounts of pain on people that hurt animals. I cry when people hurt. I feel like everything that goes wrong is my fault. My body is stupid and keyed up all of the time now. I feel like I am high a lot. I want to have sex all of the time. I hate wanting to have sex all of the time. I hate hating to want to have sex all of the time. I want someone to hold me like I'm a freaking baby and tell me that I am not going crazy and that I am going to get my **** together and be okay. I'm more comfortable with science and animals than I am emotions and people. I'm disjointed.
I hide from everyone that wants to get to know me.
Because...what if they get to know me and then realize they made a huge mistake?
I could probably fill this notebook to the brim and then another with all of the reasons I don't like myself and feel like others shouldn't like me.
But I'm glad someone does like me.
We're going out this week. On a date.
And I have a date with him. A real one this time and not just our stalking game.
What am I doing? I don't know if this is okay or if it's wrong. If it's wrong then I guess that makes me terrible for being excited about it.
Does everyone stress out this much about dating? Or is this one more reason that I am ridiculous?
Time to clean myself up and try to look like someone that doesn't have crazy crawling around inside their skin. Maybe that'll get me three scoops today instead of two.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Tuesday 0927
--late afternoon
I had lunch with Cane today. I think he should adopt me and feed me every day because it was amaaazing. I'm not sure why he is so nice to me and gives me advice but I'm glad he is and does. I think we're kinda starting to be friends? I mean, we're not BFF's or anything but I like him, he's a really decent guy. You'd think by looking at him that he would be a total dick because he's hot and knows it but I haven't seen him be like that yet. I think if I'd had a family growing up and had a brother, I would have wanted him to be just like Cane.
Even after the incident with Raleigh he didn't seem to be judging me. Which was good because kissing an ex and then almost incinerating him is kinda traumatic. Watching that ex then take off scared? Man, my confidence took a major hit today. But Cane just took it in stride and tried to tell me how to handle things. Which I still don't know how to do.
I don't know why things are so messed up with me. I don't know why I suddenly start feeling like I felt today and then almost burn people up. I know I will never forget the look on Raleigh's face though. At least he still had a face, right?
The glass is not entirely empty! Look what a ****ing optimist I am!
I don’t know what I am going to do with myself tonight. I don’t want to go home and I don’t want to be alone. The library is closing in ten minutes. I’m turning into this clingy chick that is scared of the world. I used to be fierce…what happened to me?
Okay, the island happened.
I know you are supposed to be an outlet for all of my thoughts and feelings but I can’t talk about the island yet. Not what really happened at least.
--late afternoon
I had lunch with Cane today. I think he should adopt me and feed me every day because it was amaaazing. I'm not sure why he is so nice to me and gives me advice but I'm glad he is and does. I think we're kinda starting to be friends? I mean, we're not BFF's or anything but I like him, he's a really decent guy. You'd think by looking at him that he would be a total dick because he's hot and knows it but I haven't seen him be like that yet. I think if I'd had a family growing up and had a brother, I would have wanted him to be just like Cane.
Even after the incident with Raleigh he didn't seem to be judging me. Which was good because kissing an ex and then almost incinerating him is kinda traumatic. Watching that ex then take off scared? Man, my confidence took a major hit today. But Cane just took it in stride and tried to tell me how to handle things. Which I still don't know how to do.
I don't know why things are so messed up with me. I don't know why I suddenly start feeling like I felt today and then almost burn people up. I know I will never forget the look on Raleigh's face though. At least he still had a face, right?
The glass is not entirely empty! Look what a ****ing optimist I am!
I don’t know what I am going to do with myself tonight. I don’t want to go home and I don’t want to be alone. The library is closing in ten minutes. I’m turning into this clingy chick that is scared of the world. I used to be fierce…what happened to me?
Okay, the island happened.
I know you are supposed to be an outlet for all of my thoughts and feelings but I can’t talk about the island yet. Not what really happened at least.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Wednesday 0928
--very early morning
Last night he called and I went over to hang out. Being alone would have been the absolute worst end to one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time so I’m really glad we did.
I’ve been cautious about him. I’ve been cautious about everyone really. But him especially. Getting emotionally entangled and hurt again is not on my To Do list at the moment. I’m going to have to remember this next time we’re hanging out, keep it at the front of my mind since he seems hell bent on changing every preconceived notion I have.
Caution, Kenzi, don’t throw it to the wind.
It was a surprising evening…turned night…turned morning. This morning. I’m less worried about his intentions now I think. I’m not sure what changed but I’m comfortable with him. Maybe it was the discussion of what he calls my power.
My power? I call it my curse.
He had apparently sensed the magic the other night while we were in the Annex and last night he asked if I could light one of the candles in a holder nearby. At first I tried to deny that I could and then tried to be vague to throw him off track; pretend that I didn’t know what he meant.
I learned something in that moment. It seems I cannot actually tell a mistruth when I am within someone’s home. I literally cannot speak. I also noticed that when I lied to Raleigh last week I felt deathly ill. I suppose I could tell the lie because we were not within his home, but at the Inn? I don’t know. There’s so much to learn about this…power of mine. The curse is being who I am…what I am. Everything else is just an offshoot of that.
I did attempt to light the candle, though, finally.
And then nearly burned down the deck and trees. That was rather embarrassing. Probably a good thing we were sitting in the hot tub. He seems to know a fair bit about fire magic despite being weak in its use. It took him far more concentration to light the candle than it did me, but he did manage to actually light the candle with a control I do not possess… and not start an inferno. There’s that.
What was really amazing, though, was watching how he countered the fire. Though I don’t have control over the cold and ice to put it out like he did, I did learn how to manipulate air to deprive the fire of oxygen. Not that I can do that yet.
Yet.
But I will.
It was just really nice to not get stared at like I’m a freak. Raleigh had every reason to be scared of me and to look at me the way that he did. But…it was just nice, I guess. The whole evening. Being able to relax even though dealing with all of this uncertainty about who I am.
Being able to laugh again. After yesterday’s incident I wasn’t sure that would happen.
I’m going to stay cautious but maybe I was wrong about him? Maybe Cane was. Or maybe he is the best ****ing con man around? Though that doesn’t actually feel right after last night. Feelings were what caused so much trouble with Raleigh before though, so probably best not to use them as a gauge for someone’s sincerity. They’re not logical at all. Feelings say “**** it, let’s burn” when my magic is out of control. Yeah, feelings…bad. BAD!
Yet maybe not entirely?
So much confusion. Gah. I should have brought my books with me so I could study and then I wouldn’t be staring across the room watching him sleep like some psycho stalker, pondering the good and evil of ****ing feelings.
If you were real, and able to talk, you’d tell me to get my head out of the clouds, right? It’d be great advice.
--very early morning
Last night he called and I went over to hang out. Being alone would have been the absolute worst end to one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time so I’m really glad we did.
I’ve been cautious about him. I’ve been cautious about everyone really. But him especially. Getting emotionally entangled and hurt again is not on my To Do list at the moment. I’m going to have to remember this next time we’re hanging out, keep it at the front of my mind since he seems hell bent on changing every preconceived notion I have.
Caution, Kenzi, don’t throw it to the wind.
It was a surprising evening…turned night…turned morning. This morning. I’m less worried about his intentions now I think. I’m not sure what changed but I’m comfortable with him. Maybe it was the discussion of what he calls my power.
My power? I call it my curse.
He had apparently sensed the magic the other night while we were in the Annex and last night he asked if I could light one of the candles in a holder nearby. At first I tried to deny that I could and then tried to be vague to throw him off track; pretend that I didn’t know what he meant.
I learned something in that moment. It seems I cannot actually tell a mistruth when I am within someone’s home. I literally cannot speak. I also noticed that when I lied to Raleigh last week I felt deathly ill. I suppose I could tell the lie because we were not within his home, but at the Inn? I don’t know. There’s so much to learn about this…power of mine. The curse is being who I am…what I am. Everything else is just an offshoot of that.
I did attempt to light the candle, though, finally.
And then nearly burned down the deck and trees. That was rather embarrassing. Probably a good thing we were sitting in the hot tub. He seems to know a fair bit about fire magic despite being weak in its use. It took him far more concentration to light the candle than it did me, but he did manage to actually light the candle with a control I do not possess… and not start an inferno. There’s that.
What was really amazing, though, was watching how he countered the fire. Though I don’t have control over the cold and ice to put it out like he did, I did learn how to manipulate air to deprive the fire of oxygen. Not that I can do that yet.
Yet.
But I will.
It was just really nice to not get stared at like I’m a freak. Raleigh had every reason to be scared of me and to look at me the way that he did. But…it was just nice, I guess. The whole evening. Being able to relax even though dealing with all of this uncertainty about who I am.
Being able to laugh again. After yesterday’s incident I wasn’t sure that would happen.
I’m going to stay cautious but maybe I was wrong about him? Maybe Cane was. Or maybe he is the best ****ing con man around? Though that doesn’t actually feel right after last night. Feelings were what caused so much trouble with Raleigh before though, so probably best not to use them as a gauge for someone’s sincerity. They’re not logical at all. Feelings say “**** it, let’s burn” when my magic is out of control. Yeah, feelings…bad. BAD!
Yet maybe not entirely?
So much confusion. Gah. I should have brought my books with me so I could study and then I wouldn’t be staring across the room watching him sleep like some psycho stalker, pondering the good and evil of ****ing feelings.
If you were real, and able to talk, you’d tell me to get my head out of the clouds, right? It’d be great advice.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Saturday 10/01
--middle of the night
I can’t sleep.
When was the last time I slept for more than a few hours in a stretch? Every time I close my eyes, the island becomes real and I relive it all over again.
There’s so much fire. My entire life feels consumed by it.
Even when I’m with him, learning how to control this instead of it controlling me, I still feel consumed. He says it takes time. I don’t have time.
Tonight I had plans with her. I looked good too. Actually fixed my hair and put on makeup. Wore girl clothes and heels.
Then I almost burned her damn house down.
Okay, so it didn’t get that far but the heat got so intense it entirely curdled a jug of milk and melted the plastic. It was a disaster.
Then she realized it was my fault.
Not just that I had maybe dropped the milk, but that I had heated it...with magic. She looked worried too. Not quite like Raleigh had looked but enough that I could see it.
What kind of ****ing monster am I?
I care about her, we’re friends; maybe we would have been more? I don’t know. I know that we didn’t have our date. I know that she had to carry me out of her house, the house she works so damn hard to pay for, so that I didn’t burn it down. I know there was suddenly a rush of water from the outdoor shower raining down on me. So much for the hair, makeup, and killer outfit.
I deserved it. Even though she didn’t do it as punishment but simply because she was worried. I deserved it because I have no control over myself at all sometimes. A lot of the time.
Who am I?
I can’t even answer that question and probably won’t be able to until I answer what am I?
I’m a mess.
I’m afraid.
I’m alone.
--middle of the night
I can’t sleep.
When was the last time I slept for more than a few hours in a stretch? Every time I close my eyes, the island becomes real and I relive it all over again.
There’s so much fire. My entire life feels consumed by it.
Even when I’m with him, learning how to control this instead of it controlling me, I still feel consumed. He says it takes time. I don’t have time.
Tonight I had plans with her. I looked good too. Actually fixed my hair and put on makeup. Wore girl clothes and heels.
Then I almost burned her damn house down.
Okay, so it didn’t get that far but the heat got so intense it entirely curdled a jug of milk and melted the plastic. It was a disaster.
Then she realized it was my fault.
Not just that I had maybe dropped the milk, but that I had heated it...with magic. She looked worried too. Not quite like Raleigh had looked but enough that I could see it.
What kind of ****ing monster am I?
I care about her, we’re friends; maybe we would have been more? I don’t know. I know that we didn’t have our date. I know that she had to carry me out of her house, the house she works so damn hard to pay for, so that I didn’t burn it down. I know there was suddenly a rush of water from the outdoor shower raining down on me. So much for the hair, makeup, and killer outfit.
I deserved it. Even though she didn’t do it as punishment but simply because she was worried. I deserved it because I have no control over myself at all sometimes. A lot of the time.
Who am I?
I can’t even answer that question and probably won’t be able to until I answer what am I?
I’m a mess.
I’m afraid.
I’m alone.
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Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Monday 10/03
--noon
He went to get breakfast so I have a few minutes to try to collect my thoughts.
I'm not sure what I was thinking when I showed up here at 4 AM. Really, I guess if I'm honest, I wasn't thinking.
I had another nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. My apartment felt...wrong. I can't really describe it other than that. It felt like someone was watching me but no one was there. My skin was crawling and I guess I just panicked.
I didn't know where else to go, honestly. It would be too weird to show up at her house in the middle of the night, even though we are friends. Not to mention she'd have to work in the morning.
He keeps...different hours.
I felt bad because he looked like he had been sound asleep. I didn't feel so bad that I didn't notice that he is freaking hot, though. It's entirely unfair that a man can wake up with his hair looking like that but when I wake up I look like a wild woman.
He looked worried when he opened the door. And very shirtless. I am not complaining, just for the record.
"What's wrong, devushka krasa?" And without even giving me time to answer he pulled me over the threshold and into a hug.
So I have to wonder how utterly pathetic did I look? I'm guessing it had something to do with the above mentioned wild woman look. Clearly something must be wrong for one to look so terrible, right?
Or, something must be wrong for someone to show up on your doorstep at 4 AM...looking like a wild woman?
...In my defense, he did tell me I could show up at any time.
This can be seen as a test rather than me being crazy in the middle of the night because I think someone is inside my apartment. Well, someone other than my pothead roommates.
I didn't really tell him what was wrong and he didn't push. This is one of the things I like most about him...he doesn't push me, ever. Not what I really expected when I first met him, but I like it.
He just let me come in and stay, no questions asked.
So, here I am.
And now here he is with breakfast...without animal flesh and with two espresso shots in my coffee. I didn't even have to remind him. Have I mentioned that he is kinda growing on me?
Cute guys are trouble. Cute guys that are really considerate? Dangerous.
I am going to have to sit down and have a long talk with myself on all of the reasons I need to keep these walls up. People can have casual flings without getting their hearts involved. Right?
This sounds like a fabulous reason to call Cane up and drag him off to lunch. I need my weekly therapy session with Dr. Ko. That man has more wisdom in his little pinky than I have in all of my brain. I bet he'd get a kick out of being called Dr. Ko, too. Yeah, after breakfast, calling Cane.
Step 1 of my plan has been formulated...all is good in the world now.
--noon
He went to get breakfast so I have a few minutes to try to collect my thoughts.
I'm not sure what I was thinking when I showed up here at 4 AM. Really, I guess if I'm honest, I wasn't thinking.
I had another nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. My apartment felt...wrong. I can't really describe it other than that. It felt like someone was watching me but no one was there. My skin was crawling and I guess I just panicked.
I didn't know where else to go, honestly. It would be too weird to show up at her house in the middle of the night, even though we are friends. Not to mention she'd have to work in the morning.
He keeps...different hours.
I felt bad because he looked like he had been sound asleep. I didn't feel so bad that I didn't notice that he is freaking hot, though. It's entirely unfair that a man can wake up with his hair looking like that but when I wake up I look like a wild woman.
He looked worried when he opened the door. And very shirtless. I am not complaining, just for the record.
"What's wrong, devushka krasa?" And without even giving me time to answer he pulled me over the threshold and into a hug.
So I have to wonder how utterly pathetic did I look? I'm guessing it had something to do with the above mentioned wild woman look. Clearly something must be wrong for one to look so terrible, right?
Or, something must be wrong for someone to show up on your doorstep at 4 AM...looking like a wild woman?
...In my defense, he did tell me I could show up at any time.
This can be seen as a test rather than me being crazy in the middle of the night because I think someone is inside my apartment. Well, someone other than my pothead roommates.
I didn't really tell him what was wrong and he didn't push. This is one of the things I like most about him...he doesn't push me, ever. Not what I really expected when I first met him, but I like it.
He just let me come in and stay, no questions asked.
So, here I am.
And now here he is with breakfast...without animal flesh and with two espresso shots in my coffee. I didn't even have to remind him. Have I mentioned that he is kinda growing on me?
Cute guys are trouble. Cute guys that are really considerate? Dangerous.
I am going to have to sit down and have a long talk with myself on all of the reasons I need to keep these walls up. People can have casual flings without getting their hearts involved. Right?
This sounds like a fabulous reason to call Cane up and drag him off to lunch. I need my weekly therapy session with Dr. Ko. That man has more wisdom in his little pinky than I have in all of my brain. I bet he'd get a kick out of being called Dr. Ko, too. Yeah, after breakfast, calling Cane.
Step 1 of my plan has been formulated...all is good in the world now.
-
Kenzi
- Proven Adventurer
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 am
- Location: Rhydin University - Broadcasting Journalism Department or KLIT-AM 900 studio
Wednesday 10/05
--late
We’ve been spending the days apartment hunting when I’m not at work or in class. I can’t believe he still hasn’t found an apartment. He says he is looking for a two bedroom with stone walls and no wood so that I don’t burn it down.
Such a charmer. Whatever.
I guess that means he wants me around? I don’t how I feel about that really. The more time we spend together, the more complicated things will become...are already becoming.
I like not spending most nights alone, though. It’s difficult enough to try to sleep, a little less so when someone else is in the room. The nightmares are less pervasive but even when they come, the terror isn’t as strong.
I am rather amused that he is getting a second bedroom so I have a room there if I want to stay over. He says he doesn’t want me to feel obligated to share his. I mean, that’s actually really sweet but probably not necessary because I do what I want.
I DO WHAT I WANT.
If I want to stay and need to sleep alone, I can just kick him out of his room, right? I think that makes more sense and saves him money.
But seriously…who is this guy? This isn’t the one I met in the Annex; the one I decided would be great just to hang out and have a fling with. He looks the same, sure, but he is quite a different version. It’s a lot easier to casually date or have sex with someone when you think they are the kind of guy that is happy with just that type of relationship. But when they turn out to be somebody different, and someone you actually enjoy spending time with (and want more time with), it gets complicated.
My life is already so freaking complicated. It’s really not fair for him to just flub things up like this. I had a plan. He blew the plan all to hell.
All of the reasons I do NOT like him:
 **I like to know what to expect… but he is full of surprises.
 **I like to keep things neat in their own little category… but it’s impossible to compartmentalize him. I don't know where he belongs in my life.
 **He smiles at me and makes me turn stupid.
 **He eats animal flesh…eww.
 **He doesn’t let me hog all of the covers
 **He intentionally does things to aggravate me and then smiles and makes it impossible to be mad when I WANT TO BE MAD AT HIM. Ugh.
 **He doesn’t act like a jerk and therefore is not making it easy to just keep him at arm’s length. It drives me batty.
 **He knows how to push my buttons…this is just a huge nono. Ugh.
 **He’s prettier than I am. ****ING JERK. So unfair.
Maybe he really is a big con artist? If he is, I don’t understand what the payoff would be anymore. I would think he’d not need to keep up the façade (if it is one) now. I’m pretty sure I didn’t voice any expectations… because I don’t have any. So, why is he being such a nice guy? It makes me suspicious and I don’t like to feel this way.
I can’t exactly call him a big jerk because he isn't one and really is a considerate human. Is he human? See? I don’t even know. I know almost nothing about him and that is also driving me batty. He could be an animal killer…and I wouldn’t even know.
Oh gods, I could be dating an animal killer!
Okay, I need to calm down. This is NOT dating. We are NOT dating. We’ve been on dates…but that does not constitute dating.
I don’t care how bad the nightmares are, I’m staying home tonight.
We’re not dating.
--late
We’ve been spending the days apartment hunting when I’m not at work or in class. I can’t believe he still hasn’t found an apartment. He says he is looking for a two bedroom with stone walls and no wood so that I don’t burn it down.
Such a charmer. Whatever.
I guess that means he wants me around? I don’t how I feel about that really. The more time we spend together, the more complicated things will become...are already becoming.
I like not spending most nights alone, though. It’s difficult enough to try to sleep, a little less so when someone else is in the room. The nightmares are less pervasive but even when they come, the terror isn’t as strong.
I am rather amused that he is getting a second bedroom so I have a room there if I want to stay over. He says he doesn’t want me to feel obligated to share his. I mean, that’s actually really sweet but probably not necessary because I do what I want.
I DO WHAT I WANT.
If I want to stay and need to sleep alone, I can just kick him out of his room, right? I think that makes more sense and saves him money.
But seriously…who is this guy? This isn’t the one I met in the Annex; the one I decided would be great just to hang out and have a fling with. He looks the same, sure, but he is quite a different version. It’s a lot easier to casually date or have sex with someone when you think they are the kind of guy that is happy with just that type of relationship. But when they turn out to be somebody different, and someone you actually enjoy spending time with (and want more time with), it gets complicated.
My life is already so freaking complicated. It’s really not fair for him to just flub things up like this. I had a plan. He blew the plan all to hell.
All of the reasons I do NOT like him:
 **I like to know what to expect… but he is full of surprises.
 **I like to keep things neat in their own little category… but it’s impossible to compartmentalize him. I don't know where he belongs in my life.
 **He smiles at me and makes me turn stupid.
 **He eats animal flesh…eww.
 **He doesn’t let me hog all of the covers
 **He intentionally does things to aggravate me and then smiles and makes it impossible to be mad when I WANT TO BE MAD AT HIM. Ugh.
 **He doesn’t act like a jerk and therefore is not making it easy to just keep him at arm’s length. It drives me batty.
 **He knows how to push my buttons…this is just a huge nono. Ugh.
 **He’s prettier than I am. ****ING JERK. So unfair.
Maybe he really is a big con artist? If he is, I don’t understand what the payoff would be anymore. I would think he’d not need to keep up the façade (if it is one) now. I’m pretty sure I didn’t voice any expectations… because I don’t have any. So, why is he being such a nice guy? It makes me suspicious and I don’t like to feel this way.
I can’t exactly call him a big jerk because he isn't one and really is a considerate human. Is he human? See? I don’t even know. I know almost nothing about him and that is also driving me batty. He could be an animal killer…and I wouldn’t even know.
Oh gods, I could be dating an animal killer!
Okay, I need to calm down. This is NOT dating. We are NOT dating. We’ve been on dates…but that does not constitute dating.
I don’t care how bad the nightmares are, I’m staying home tonight.
We’re not dating.
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