When Lunacy Speaks--Rayvinn's Diary

Tales from a menagerie of characters.

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Rayvinn
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Post by Rayvinn »

January 11th

There was an entire week's worth of entries missing because her life had taken a chaotic turn that had her wearing disguises, staying in different places each night and generally too wired to sit and write. This night however...

I found out tonight that Dyarhk is...

I have nothing left to say.


Rayvinn couldn't write the word. She wouldn't believe this to be the truth.
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Rayvinn
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Post by Rayvinn »

January 13th

The journal's pages were torn out one by one and fed into the fire. Reddened eyes that couldn't focus were shrouded by dark circles; it was obvious the elf was grieving and had not slept. Once the job was complete and there was nothing left but the softly worn leather bindings, Raye sat back upon the floor and picked up the bottle of tequila.
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Rayvinn
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Post by Rayvinn »

March 31st.



It has been so long since I have written in a journal. This is the new one that Hank bought for me when I first came back from Istandor. He was trying to be helpful and hoped I would write about “the incident” since I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t really feel a need to do that until tonight.

I’m in my old room at the Red Dragon. When I came in, I knew immediately someone had been here. I dunno if it was before I went to Istandor or if it was a more recent break in, nothing was taken but someone went through all of my belongings.

So, why I am writing tonight. I was texting with Apple and she sent me a really cute pic of herself. I asked her if she had that outfit on at the time she sent the text and she said she was “sorta out with the guys.” Sounded like fun. I told her to tell them that she is mine. I was totally joking. She told me she couldn’t tell them that because she couldn’t make much noise because someone was asleep next to her. What. The. F*ck. Why is she in bed with some guy? I mean...seriously? Why would she even f*cking tell me that?

The other night in the bookstore she said something about Aurast being her boyfriend. I’m not sure but I think she was trying to make me jealous then. I wouldn’t want to assume that but it felt like it. But this...this is so f*cking far beyond trying to make someone jealous. There would be no other reason to tell me that unless she was intentionally trying to hurt me.

The thought of Apple in bed with some guy makes me crazy. Like...I want to stab the bastard in the throat...that kind of crazy. I cannot even deal with seeing her right now. If I saw her I am sure I would scream things at her that I would regret someday. Then again, maybe she deserves that.

I am having so much trouble understanding how this happened. She is so shy...or so I thought. She and I spend more nights together than apart and we have never been anywhere close to being intimate and she meets some guy and immediately f*cks him? And here I thought I was the one with the issues because I prefer men. Apparently she does as well.

After I left the bookstore a couple of nights ago and showed up at her room at the Outback, we were talking about Dyarhk and also about the danger she could be in. She told me she wasn’t going anywhere and that I didn’t have to go through anything alone. I wonder if she had already been seeing this guy then or did she just meet him tonight?

I feel like screaming. I want to break something. I want to break his nose. Mostly, I want to erase the last couple of hours and all of the pain and just be in her arms.

I can’t stay here and take the chance of seeing her. I need to get out of here for at least a few days. I think I am going to Adenna. I will stay in the room at the Slipkey that I stayed in on my last visit and I will go see Dyarhk’s grave. I will buy some shoes at DeCausey’s and get into fights with some of these infamous Adennian warriors.

Seiri and Nayun aren’t usually in RhyDin this late to port me there and Kruger has access somehow to go every morning for training so I am gonna catch a ride with him. He is in room seventeen, so I am gonna go by there in the morning and tell him I need to leave and make him swear not to tell Apple anything if she asks. She doesn’t have the right to know anything about me anymore.

I just wish I didn’t miss her so much already...


Damn, this was a bad week to go off of those pills the doc gave me.
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Rayvinn
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Post by Rayvinn »

June 15, 2013



This is the first day I have awakened without a hangover in so many months that I cannot count. Instead of hearing the pounding drum of my heartbeat and blood rushing through my head, I heard the birds chirping their cheerful good morning to me.

How long has it been since I listened to them try to soothe my soul with the hopeful message that nature will take care of all creatures no matter how great or small? I feel less alone.

Instead of seeing only the destruction I caused the night prior (as I have for so long), through the fog of my tear swollen eyes, I awoke with a clear head to a sunrise I haven't been bothered to see in so long.

How long has it been since I gazed upon those warm and vibrant colored rays of rebirth? I feel energized.

I began spiraling towards madness again. Maybe it was a slow descent at first before rapidly plunging me headfirst into that chaotic vortex? I am unsure of when things changed again in my mind, though my guess would be when I saw what had become of Andrea as a result of my actions and then my negligence in protecting her. I have failed on nearly every occasion to prevent the ones I love from being hurt.

I can take some small measure of peace in knowing that I found her still alive, unlike the others, though I know in my heart there is a part of her that died during her ordeal. She is strong and she tries to force herself to continue moving forward but that tortured sorrow that is hidden on most occasions haunts my dreams. I was too late to protect her. My heart breaks that I left her alone but I know she has so many to care for her and to help her heal. I regret that she grieves for my death when I am very much alive but I truly believe this is the only way for her to find happiness again. The only gift I can give her is freedom. What is more important than being free? My hope is that she will remember my love more than my flaws and that she will truly live once more.

Maybe all of this is the reason I have decided to take the job from Jack, aside from the fact that I am a mental case when I am not working. I cannot protect her and by being near I keep her in danger. Maybe fighting the evil of the world through this job, though it is such a small contribution, might protect her on a larger scale. Maybe I can prevent the hell she went through from happening to another innocent.

Or I can avenge those that have been so cruely treated.

This is the first day, in so long, that I have awakened with a purpose.
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Rayvinn
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Post by Rayvinn »

October 23rd

I fill my days with drinking, carousing, fighting...anything to give me even the slightest reprieve from this heartache. I smile prettily for my friends, I say the right words, wear the right clothes, do all that is expected of me but I feel his absence to my very bones. I feel empty and alone, even amidst a crowd of friends.

I see his face on every stranger for the brief second before reality rushes back. I miss the intensity of his gaze and the way he spoke my name. I miss the way the corners of his smile begged for my kiss and how his hand fit perfectly entwined with mine.

I miss the life that I had within reach but could never truly accept. I would have gone to my grave still trying to force myself to fit into his world; I loved him. I still love him. I will always love him.

I have my memories that are both blessing and curse and that will have to be enough.

Image


(Art is not my own but belongs to Anouk-Jill on Deviant Art)
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Rayvinn
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Post by Rayvinn »

October 24th

I find myself growing restless and desiring reckless adventure. Have I not learned to avoid the call of wanderlust when I feel so broken? I do remember the last time I went on mission for Jack while in this mindset; I have scars and nightmares to remind me daily.

I feel the fragility of my mind more as of late and it terrifies me to think that I will slip back into the abyss of insanity. I must stay strong and fight against this. So many more people depend upon me now, so many need me to work through this heartache instead of running away again. Running never keeps the pain at bay anyway. I need to fill my days with challenge and purpose...I can think of nothing better to save me from repeating past mistakes.

I saw an advertisement today that piqued my interest for it could fulfill several purposes. Upon further investigation, I found out that G'nort Talanador is selling the Duel of Swords Arena. This wasn't entirely a shock as I had heard the whisperings of his retirement from the sport. I feel confident in saying that the man would never sell the Arena directly to me as we have far too much negative history between us. I feel quite certain buying the Arena could solve several of my current issues so I shall meditate upon this and formulate a plan.
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Rayvinn
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Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2011 11:10 pm
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Post by Rayvinn »

October 25th

The sun is waking from its slumber and I have still not found mine.

Tonight Jewell and I walked about the docks while I attempted to calm her hysteria after seeing her ex-husband's ship in port. All of the pain I had attempted to drink or fight away became agonizingly present in the form of a sick, heavy feeling within my gut and an emptiness within my chest. It was more difficult than normal to pretend everything was fine so that I could be a supportive friend.

We wandered through the city until I decided we should see what pretties were bloodying each other up in the Annex; if anything could make the Empress feel better (or myself for that matter) it would be seeing handsome men and lovely ladies brutalizing one another for sport.

That seems more...sick and twisted seeing it penned to paper. It is what it is, however.

After practically carrying Jewell down the stairs so she didn't break her neck, I saw something that made my heart absolutely stop beating in my chest. At first I wasn't certain because there were so many changes...but, it was definitely Shadow. Shadow with long, luxurious blonde-white hair...and a face so impassive and cold that it took me several moments to comprehend that it was actually him. Of all the changes to the elf, his aloof and chilling demeanor were the most noticeable.

I believe my heart would hurt less at this moment if he were dead. He had Rumpel deliver the message that ended our relationship, he took away MY CHILDREN. If all of that was not reason enough to be angry, his flippant attitude tonight is. He pretended to not even know me. HOW COULD HE DO THAT?

I finally had to just leave the Annex because I couldn't bear it. Later T'alathian found me at the camp and once more spoke of fate and my destiny. I finally told him that Shadow and I had broken up. I guess now he understands why I'm drunk and fighting all of the time. Perhaps he will stop lecturing me and nagging at me about my troops noticing. Doubtful. He is right though. I am responsible for these men and women and I have been a poor leader.

Later today I will go speak with Brandon Fox about acquiring the Arena. Perhaps that will be enough of a project to help me keep myself together.

Eventually I will stop mourning him, won't I?


((Events depicted in this post did not precisely occur the way they are stated. This is Rayvinn's viewpoint...and she is crazy.))
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