Be Still, My Mind [[18+]] (Aug 2015)

[Addie]

Vapniyno Dfahdo-cajahdr (February 27th)

It’s been a few weeks since the last time I sat down to right and you know… it’s strange how things change. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Nick in some capacity but it’s a weight I’m learning to carry. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but it does make them easier to bear. The loss of my best friend is mine to bear but I can do it and I can do it without letting myself self-destruct. After all, I’m surrounded by people who mean so ****ing much to me. In the days after Nick’s death, I felt so alone that I didn’t know how I could keep going. He was one of the last pieces tying me to home.

But home isn’t what I thought. I told Ro a long time ago… Home is a weird thing, both sentimental and awful to think about. So you tuck it all away into a neat little box and you leave it there. The only thing that keeps it from getting dusty is the periodic thought, however incorrect it might be, that home is merely a place. It isn't. It's not a town or a country or a realm. It's a series of moments stacked one by one to build a safe haven and eventually you'll find that the moments, they aren't about where you are but rather who you're with. It's the people, not the place. You can always take that with you.

My people are here now. I could have found a place in this time’s Nosgoth. Someone else sure has. But that’s not for me. I don’t fit there. Those people don’t know me and they won’t. Because they aren’t my family. I’ve chosen my family now. Things are looking up.

On my birthday I had lunch with Kruger. This was the day after everything went to proverbial hell in the city. Some moronic a-holes thought it was a good idea to try and cleanse the city of any non-humans. Evidently it didn’t work because, well, I’m still here. I don’t think people realize the sort of juju it takes to pull off something like that. Maybe it could have been done in a more centralized location and maybe in a place more magically stable than Rhy’Din but you don’t just walk in here and think you can wreck ****, you know? It doesn’t work that way and even if the non-humans just stood aside and didn’t fight back, spells of that caliber seldom go right. Idiots. Anyways. Lunch with Kruger. He had presents for me, which I hadn’t been expecting.

First were a brush and hand mirror. They were really, really old, and judging by Kruger’s expression when I opened it, they were quite important to him or someone close to him. That he would pass such a beautiful heirloom to me about wrecked me. But not nearly as much as what was at the bottom of the box. Papers. Adoption papers to be exact. He asked me if I’d take him and Niko as my family but really it’s the other way around. I can be an Allen, I can have a dad and a brother. It doesn’t even matter that technically I’m older than the usual age range for adoption. This is Rhydin after all, families shift and change constantly. I signed the papers the same day, now we just have to wait for them to be officialized. He had no obligation to me but he has shown far more concern and care for me than my biological father has in the entire time I’ve been here. It’s a greater gift than I think he even realizes.

After that, Ro took me on vacation. It was… wow. Forever away for one but so worth it. It was a hella long bus ride to the coast and then a plane ride to these islands and then another short bus-taxi ride to our villa. Two words: Tropical Paradise. There was a private beach, an unbelievable bathtub, an adorable village, and most of all Romeo MacKenzie. I love him. I was afraid to admit it for a really long time. Mostly I was just waiting for him to leave like Kane did. For me to push him to the point where the reward was no longer worth my drama. But he has stuck by me every step of the way. I’m not much for the idea of soulmates or true love or anything like that, but if I kept him in my life for a really long time, I think that would be more than I could ever hope for. He opened up a lot on the trip, it was… it was nice. Yeah. Nobody gives him nearly enough credit but the depth that boy is capable of is mind melting. He is so, so, so much more than he lets on. I just hope maybe he’ll embrace it fully. I didn’t want to come back but eventually we had to. Such is life. That’s okay though, it was the break I needed. Now it’s back to the grind but you know what, things are looking up.

I’m going to keep them that way.

-Addie

[Addie]

May 19th, 2017

So it’s been a hot minute since the last time I wrote in this thing. That happens, I guess. I think it’s a good thing. It seems easier to write when things are going wrong and harder to write when things are going right. That makes it a good thing when I have trouble coming up with things to put in here. Life is coasting, it’s a good thing too. Nothing bad, a bit of good, it’s a nice balance.

We had a decently successful local tour here over Miz’s spring break. Plenty of stops, plenty of music, and a whole lot of weed. I blame that on the fact we did it over the 420 holiday and such. Totally not my fault. Prior to the tour, we played a more PG show for Children’s Day. That was pretty cool. Afterwards, we hit up a few children’s homes and hospitals for some of the younger fan base that couldn’t make it to the actual show. It’s pretty humbling knowing there are legitimately kids that look up to us. Not sure why, but hey, it’s a thing. Now we’ve got a summer tour to plan that ought to take us further away, so we’ll see how that goes. Honestly anything will be better than how I ****ed up last summer.

Beltane was good. I went to the fires with Michi and Yas and Yas’s way cute bodyguard. I got to dance and drink feywine and then Michi and the others went off. So I tracked Ro down and we celebrated in a different way. Beltane’s a big deal to his people and well, it went out with a bang. Literally. Maybe a few even. I learned a lot about him and where he came from through the course of the holiday. Once he gets to talking, I could listen to him for hours.

Other than that, everything is… dare I say, normal?

I’ve wondered why I haven’t seen hide nor hair of those Orionite assbags in quite some time. I keep waiting, whether I’m with my friends or by myself, but I never do. I don’t quite understand it but maybe they’re gone? I can hope. It almost makes me feel a little better about how things went with Nick. As if his sacrifice wasn’t an empty one.

I guess we’ll see. This is a short one, but like I said, it’s hard to write when things are going right. And gods are they going right.

-Adelaide