With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

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Claire Gallows
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With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

[[Strong Language and some violence within, be warned.]]

Post Pulse (Early April)

“I’m glad we’re talking again.”

I lay back on the bed, hands under my head while I stared at the ceiling, tracing the lines where it met the walls. I really need to paint. Note to self, do that later. Maybe a slate color. Yellow accents? Note to self, ask Serah. She had a far better eye for that sort of thing. Always better with the pretty things. My sister. The one I had back after how long of thinking the worst? And here I am contemplating paint colors. Seriously, Light, what the hell?

“Yes, as am I.”

Out came his response. Odin. That warm comfort, oh how welcome it was. It sang clearly, my lighthouse in a hurricane. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until I couldn’t reach him. With that voice inside of my head, I could do anything. I could handle anything. Everything. And now I had him back.

“I was so worried when I came here and I couldn’t reach you that I would never hear you again…”

Just the thought alone was saddening. To not have that guidance when I needed it, that beacon of calm that helped me keep it together even in the most dire of situations. Never mind not having someone that I could talk to whenever I wanted and not have them judge me adversely for my actions, which as of late, were less than grand. Certainly Odin could have talked me out of some of the tight spots I found myself in throughout the past…past what? How long have I been here? A month and a half? Dear gods, have I really got myself into that much trouble in less than two months? Casting an idle glance at the faint scar circling my left pinky finger, I try to suppress an inevitable shudder. Damn. So it seems I have.

“It seems that the initial temporal shift that brought you here was enough to temporarily cut off our connection. Everything appears to be in order once more.”

What a relief. I exhaled slowly, releasing much of the tension that had built up within my system. Another piece of this crazy messed up puzzle was back in its place. Add that to my recent reunion with Serah, and damn near everything was falling together rather nicely. For the first time in, well, ever.

Is this what happiness feels like?

Must be.

Life is good.

“That’s good, Odin. Nice to have you back.”

I turned on my side, content to close my eyes for once. Maybe sleep would come easily tonight. I fought the urge to ramble to Odin and perhaps that urge was resisted with a little help from him—which wasn’t particularly fair, mind you—but oh well. I couldn’t particularly blame him for not wanting to listen to my incoherent stream of thoughts. I did my best to still my mind, not an easy task, let me tell you. There was so much to catch him up on. But there was always tomorrow to do so. Tomorrow I could start the day with my sister, my guardian, my boyfriend, my friends.

So this is life when things go well…what a strange, strange feeling.

I could get used to it.

“It is good to be back, Light. Now rest, please.”

It was less a firm suggestion and more so a downright order. Who am I to argue with that? As if on cue, my lips parted for a loud yawn to tumble out, breaking the silence of my bedroom. It was dead quiet otherwise. Myself and my thoughts. Typically such a dangerous idea to let me get lost in the drifting abyss that was the darker parts of my mind. But today, no. Today, all was well.

Hopefully Serah was sleeping alright. Maybe I should go check on her first. Well…on second thought. Another yawn squeaked forth.

“Yes, yes. Rest.”

I murmured out loud in agreement with my thoughts and the guiding voice only I could hear. With my comforter pulled up underneath my chin, I shifted until I found a comfortable spot before allowing my eyes to shut. And for what felt like the first night since getting here, I fell asleep normally.

No alcohol.

No sleeping pills or potions.

No wearing myself down so badly that I collapsed.

Just…peaceful sleep.
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Panic (Mid April)

“Find her Odin. I need to know she’s safe.”

I pleaded, pacing in front of the Inn’s fireplace. A glance out the window had a grimace forming at the steady sputtering of rain coming down. The wind whipped droplets against the glass and my frown deepened. Serah was out in that. And I had no way to get a hold of her since she had left her phone behind and taken off.

Except via Odin.

Who was being far too quiet for my liking.

“Odin. Anything? You have gotta have something for me.”

Even in my head, my tone held a feral growl that was equal parts desperation and anger.

Still there was silence and it was deafening. Reminding myself to breathe, I worked to coordinate a small group to search for my stubborn sister. Note to self, thank them all profusely and buy them pretty things once all of this is over. Once that was in place, I took a deep breath. Claire, you idiot.

Pulse.

That had to be why Odin couldn't offer any sort of information on my sister’s whereabouts. Oh ***. Snapping up my motorcycle helmet, I barely even had it on by the time I made it to the color coordinated black and pink Suzuki sport bike. Throwing a leg over, I kick-started it before taking off. Remind me to send a thank you note to Zack later for whatever it was he did to the bike, because holy hell did it fly. I made it to the portal in record time, dismounting and almost not getting the kickstand into place in time before I set off at a dead sprint. Come on feet don't fail me now. Clutching the gold wrapped ruby amulet tightly, I squeezed my eyes shut and jumped. Diving through the portal, I landed hard on my hands and knees on the white sand beach of New Bodhum, Gran Pulse. Not one of my more graceful landings.

Groan.

“Try again. Anything?”

I almost snapped at him mentally. That would be bad. You don’t want to go pissing off an Eidolon, especially not one like Odin. I’m not one to brag, but he’s a bit of a badass if I say so myself. Anyways. I picked myself up and brushed off the gritty granules of what had previously been powder fine sand, the kind that sifts with ease through splayed fingers and feels like silk against your skin. Chaos had infiltrated even the tiniest of particulates, turning them into something closer to sandpaper or tiny shards of glass.

Dear Etro, what is happening to this place? Please don’t let her be here.

“Nothing yet, Lightning. I’m trying, have patience my child.”

That wasn't the answer I was looking for. Not in the least. Sighing I started up the beach, heading for the town and the stashed away air-bike. The village had deteriorated even further since my last visit, Chaos’s influence working its way into the very foundations of the buildings. Gnarled black roots broke through concrete pathways and I took care to avoid even touching them, hopping each to land almost noiselessly while I swept my eyes constantly.

Dear gods, this place was giving me the creeps.

This simply wasn't home anymore.

I made quick time to the hidden air-bike and with a lightning fast glance around my surroundings; I pulled it from its hiding spot and engaged the engine. It sputtered to life reluctantly. Damn it, why did this thing have to be so loud? All the same, soon I was off the ground and on my way.

“Where is she…where is she…”

I repeated it both out loud and mentally, praying to every deity in the history of religion that I would find her soon. I wasn't even thinking about where I was going, letting instinct guide me instead. Soon, I would be landing just outside of the newest stronghold of the remaining members of NORA.

“Lightning, do you believe this to be a wise idea?”

I grumbled at the latest intrusion into my mind. Of course it wasn't a smart idea. But was I going to do it anyway? Damn straight, I was. If Serah had come here, this would hopefully be the first place she went to. So here’s to hoping, right?

“It’s the best lead I’ve got, Odin.”

Even in my head, my tone was drenched with desperation. Each syllable forming with the fear of not finding my sister. Damn it, I just got her back and I have already gone and *** it up.

“Very well. Go with caution.”

Once I had his reluctant backing, I pressed forward. I was met at the gates by armed men, both younger than me, mind you; who thought it was a good idea to push my buttons. Sorry boys. The swelling ought to go down in a few days and you should be able to see again before long. And broken noses aren't that bad, so quit being babies about it. Within the gates, the subdued feeling of despair was overwhelming. A beaten down people lacking hope, resigning themselves to a life lived out…here. It wasn't some of NORA’s better handiwork, but whatever it takes to survive, I guess. Speaking of all of that, let’s go take a visit to my most favorite ex-soon-to-be-brother-in-law. How’s that for a title? I just call him Jackass for short. Moving on.

“SNOW VILLIERS!”
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

No, But I Felt Better (Mid April)

I snarled, shattering the relative quiet, shoving my way through the door to NORA’s improvised headquarters. What a slum. This…this was nothing compared to New Bodhum. It was disgusting. Or maybe I just found it all so terrible because he was here. The one who broke Serah’s heart into a million pieces.

“Lightning, I advise against provoking hostilities. You’re vastly outnumbered here.”

I rolled my eyes before Odin even had the chance to finish his warning. He meant well, sure. But whatever I was bringing to Snow was completely deserved. Completely. And that was without Serah telling me everything he had said to her. All I know is that she walked away from their last interaction absolutely crushed. And to this day, I’m still trying to help her pick up the pieces. But first. To see if he knew where she was. I could make him my punching bag once he proved himself worthless for answers. Granted he was already pretty worthless, but if he had answers perhaps he could be useful for once. Wishful thinking, right?

My boot met the door to his quarters and I kicked it hard enough to splinter the wood. Really all I had wanted to do is kick it open. I guess all of that frustration and anger that had been building up had decided otherwise. With a crack, it swung open, lolling on squeaking hinges to admit me to the room within. Talk about making an entrance.

“Snow Villiers.”

I repeated his name quieter this time, the deadly calm in my voice belying the dangerous serenity I often felt just before conflict. Despite the façade of quiet composure, the adrenaline was flowing freely through my veins, energy building from the depths of my being right into the very endings of each and every nerve. I was positively bristling. Snow looked like he had seen a ghost. He quickly went from a relaxed lounging sprawl in his chair to being bolt upright, looking so very deer-in-the-headlights. Had I not been so pissed I might have laughed at him.

“L-lightning? What’re you doin’ here?”

Stammering. So amusing coming from a Big Bad Tough Guy like Snow. Please note the immense amounts of sarcasm dripping from that little title there. The guy thought himself a hero, and here…here all I saw was a coward. I stalked toward him, boot steps falling heavily, echoing in the wake of the shocked silence I had prompted. Behind me, the kicked in door wobbled dangerously on its hinges. I should feel bad for that, but really…yeah, no, that wasn’t happening. I should have kicked the damn thing right into Jackass’s face.

“Is she here?”

I asked without further explanation. He didn’t deserve answers from me. He didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as me or anyone I knew, for that matter.

“W-w-what?! Who? Is who here?”

The man blinked up at me as I towered over where he was sitting. Eyes wide, he looked almost like a bunny when it senses a predator. My nostrils flared as I inhaled, my patience already wearing thin with Snow’s stuttering and stammering and…ew…was he sweating? Gross. What a Neanderthal.

“Stay focused, Lightning. Serah. Remember that.”

I really didn’t like being chided but he had a point. Taking a deep breath, I ran a hand back through my hair in an attempt to tame the unruly bubblegum tinted locks. Said effort failed miserably and soon strands were scattering their way across my line of sight once more. Sigh. At least I tried. One of these days maybe I would take a page from Serah’s book and start wearing my hair up. Oh. Serah, yes, that’s why I’m here.

“Serah. She’s missing.”

I shouldn’t have growled it but the more and more I thought about, the angrier I got. I was subconsciously leaning down toward him, getting closer and closer to the terrified man who was stammering too bad to get an answer out.

“N-n-n-n-no, Light, she’s not h-here. I haven’t s-s-seen her since w-we split up.”

About time he choked those words out. A narrowing of the dual pools of aquamarine that were my eyes found him cowering before me. All the same, he made an attempt to rise up out of his chair. He towered over me by at least a full foot but I still found some way to look down my nose at him. He inhaled deeply, looking me over. That look in his eye, I’d never seen that one before.

“Have any of your men seen her? I can’t search all of Pulse for her…if she came here; I figured she would have come for you.”

He shook his head fervently at my question, scattering mussed blonde strands here and there.

“No, nobody’s seen her. But…I am glad you’re here. Did she tell you what she and I talked about?”

He said softly, his tone tender. What. The. Hell. My head rocked back as I stared at him like he had a growth coming out of his eyeball. My feet would soon follow and I stepped backward only to have him move forward to match me.

“Why the hell would you be glad that I’m here? And no, she barely told me anything…”

I spat incredulously, taking another step backwards. He was making me incredibly uneasy and I felt tension ripple silently through every muscle fiber in my body. Snow didn’t say a single word; he simply brought a hand up as if to touch my face. And that’s when I snapped. Like hell was I going to allow this jackass to touch me. Not after what he did to Serah. Not ever actually. I cocked my fist back and sent it for his face, connecting hard with his left cheekbone. Snow went reeling backwards, stumbling right back into the seat he had been occupying, looking quite bewildered.

“L-light? Please…I love you…I always have…”

His words just barely registered in time for me to close the distance I had created before I swung again, this time connecting with his jaw. All of my rage and fury boiled over now as I leaned over him to scream in his face.

“What the ***, Snow?! What the ***!”

It’s the closest thing to a coherent sentence I could manage in between pummeling the man in front of me, fists flying time and time again for his face and torso. At first he went for defense, raising his broad forearms up to try to shield against the blows raining down on him. Once he realized that his defense was doing him not good, he went to strike back, flinging a wild punch at my face. I just barely saw it coming in time to duck back slightly. Not far enough evidently, for it was my turn to go sprawling. He hadn’t even hit me that hard; it had just been enough to catch me off balance and I went skidding back.

“Lightning, he’s summoning. You must get to him, now.”

Oh hell no. If Odin was correct—and very rarely was he otherwise--, I needed to get to Snow like thirty seconds ago. I launched myself at him making a mad grab for the Eidolith crystal he now held in his hands. I swiped at it, grasping and clenching fingertips in an attempt to take it away before he had the chance to call forth his Eidolon, the Shiva Sisters. Don’t get me wrong, they’re awfully nice, Nix and Stiria, but I really wasn’t prepared for that sort of fight. Never mind the logistics of summoning Odin indoors. That was a whole other nightmare in and of its self. Once I had the crystal firmly in my clutches, I reeled backwards to get away from Snow even as he worked to get on his feet once more to come after me.

“Oh, no you don’t!”

I swung a well-aimed kick to his ribs, dropping him again. Again the blows fell on him, fists and feet, the feral growl building in my throat with each meeting of flesh to flesh. Eventually, I couldn’t tell from whom the sounds of bone crunching were coming from. The adrenaline surged in my veins and all I could see in my mind was my heartbroken sister as she walked out of this very room, the pain in her expression as she willed herself not to cry. Not in front of me. Not in front of him. Not in front of those she once called friends. The broken hearted sister whose pain was caused by this man. The broken sister I still needed to find.

“*** pig.”

I spat at him, fist connecting with the side of his head. Thud. He hit the floor finally, gasping for air. One well-placed boot to his ribs elicited a crunch and a sharp howl of pain from him as he tried to curl into the fetal position. He made it halfway before giving up, whimpering on the ground like an injured dog. Breathing hard, I looked down upon him, hatred burning across my expression. His face was swelling from the innumerable punches he had taken, his skin stretching tightly over the wounded flesh. Blood trickled from his lip and down his chin as his chest heaved and I wanted nothing more to stomp the heel of my boot into his nose. Just to see him hurt a fraction of how badly Serah hurt.

“Snow? Darling?”

I whirled on my feet to find the source of the meek voice. In the doorway stood a rather plain looking woman peering back at me. Her hands wringing, she bit at a trembling lip. For a moment, I almost felt bad seeing her there. Until I connected the dots to the correct assumption that the woman standing before me was Snow’s new wife, the one he had settled for after I had gone and he had left Serah under the guise of finding me. Mousy brown hair hung pin straight around angular features that were much too harsh when compared to the softness of her voice. Wide mocha eyes stared at me fearfully, taking in the violent scene of the room around me, Snow still whimpering on the floor.

“Time to go, Lightning. Serah isn’t here, you’ve inflicted enough damage. Go now.”

Odin’s voice was firm but calming, like a mentor impressing a hard lesson upon a student. I nodded to the voice in my head and the woman before me must have thought I was crazy. Soon, I got my feet moving again and pushed my way past her, resisting the urge to throw a few punches her way as well. I pocketed his Eidolith, not giving much of a damn if he was out of luck without it. As the adrenaline began to fade, I found myself increasingly more aware of the injuries I had inflicted upon myself in process of beating Snow to a blood pulp. The knuckles on each hand we swollen, black and blue already in some places, a few of the ridges dented inwards. My face ached where Snow had caught me with that punch and I brought a sore hand up to rub at the spot. Groaning, I didn’t even look at those who were staring at me aghast as I walked by. Right on out the gate I went and to the air-bike, cringing at the remembrance that it had been Snow himself who had taught Serah and I both how to ride these things.

Serah.

Damn it, I was no closer to finding her than I was when I got here. Getting the machine back up in the air, I set off again, doing my best to push back the pain that was growing. I’d pay for this in the morning that was certain. Groaning, I headed back toward the ruins of New Bodhum, shaking my head most of the way there as I replayed my interaction with Snow over and over.

“Was all of that really necessary?”

I sighed as I heard Odin again, shaking my head once more.

“No, but it made me feel better.”
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Finality (End of April)

“I just need to blow off some steam.”

I said with a look between my sister and the man with her. Ugh, Tommy. I was really starting to hate the dude. Can I punch him? Please, please, please, can I just hit him once? It might make me feel better. The looks on both of their faces were perhaps a reflection of the understated frustration I was feeling. I needed to get away.

Gods, I need a damn vacation.

“No good will come from you striking him. He is not a threat, do not expend the energy.”

Shaking my head, I set off, choosing to run rather than ride. Anything to burn off some of the volatile energy building in my muscles. I could feel the electricity pulsing through my nerves like a static charge awaiting a conductor to execute the symphony brewing in my blood. Simply mercurial I was, an explosion waiting to happen. Now if only I had someone to blow this steam off with. Maybe today I would luck out. Unfortunately, I had been hoping every day would be my lucky day for the past few weeks. It would have just been nice to see him. Sigh. He’s quite good at distracting me when the world is annoying the hell out of me.

Which seems to be fairly often these days.

Catching sight of the Alabaster, a faint smile found its way to my face as I neared the warship. I think once upon a long time ago, Cyrus had told me what kind it was but all I could remember was that holy crap it was huge. Close to if not over five hundred feet, sleek and entirely black. Breathing hard, I slowed to a jog as I approached; having convinced myself on the run over that today was my day. He had to be back by now, right? Right! He had only been gone a week last time, so certainly this longer stint had to be coming to a close.

Huffing, I took a deep breath as I jaunted up to where the seemingly invisible hatch would typically open at my approach. This time should have been no different, after all, Janice had granted her use of the ship’s training facilities—begrudgingly of course—at Cyrus’s behest. She hadn't been thrilled about allowing me on board ever, let alone without him there. But after quite a bit of poking and prodding, she eventually acquiesced. Of course, it’s always fun to deal with a sullen computer system that seems to despise your very presence, but whatever.

Over time, I thought she and I had started to build a decent working relationship, maybe. Well…by that, I mean more so that I would go out to the ship, she would open things up and get the War Games combat simulator up and running and shut it down when it was too much for me and I pushed myself too hard. Then promptly shoo me out. Amiable, yeah? I didn't even mind when she would avoid my questions about Cyrus and where he was. Work’s work, right? I get it. Didn't stop me from asking the same slew of questions every day; ‘Hi Janice, how are you today, what do you want to line up today, any word on Cyrus, when will he be back, damn I miss him, you’ll have him contact me if you get any word right, you’d tell me if something was wrong right?’

I almost ran right into it since I had become so accustomed to it opening as soon as I got within the ship’s perimeter. Stopping just centimeters from having my nose meet metal, I blinked rapidly.

Strange.

“Ayo, Janice!”

I called impatiently to the ship’s AI, huffing out an exasperated breath. I hadn't had to ask to be let in for a while now. Maybe she was sleeping. Do computers need sleep? That’s a silly thought. Come on, Janice, hurry up already.

“Jaaaaaaaaaaanice! Open up!”

I pounded the heel of my hand against where the hatch should open a few times.

Silence.

“Lightning.”

I whirled on the balls of my feet, only to remember that it was all in my head. With my palm pressed over my pounding heart, I groaned.

“Yes, Odin? You scared the hell out of me, you know. I was waiting for Janice to answer.”

My mental response was clipped and curt. Perhaps I was being shorter than I should be with him, but damn it, he startled me!

“There is something different about today.”

His soft response didn't boom like it usually did. Different? Different is good, I think. Especially if it meant deviating from this seemingly never ending routine of coming out here, having the briefest of conversations with a surly computer system, getting my ass kicked by whatever said surly computer system threw at me, then going home exhausted and with no answers.

I ignored Odin.

“Janice, what’s going on? Is Cyrus back? Why aren't you opening? HelloooOOOoooo?”

My string of questions ran together and I barely got one out before starting on the next. Rocking forward and backward on my feet, I was getting seriously antsy at this point. Excitement building, I knocked the edge of my hand against the hatch again.

Then finally she spoke.

“Miss Farron, your request to board has been denied.”

She was calm, almost chipper. That so didn't suit her. She was supposed to be mean and grumpy. Weird, but okay.

“What do you mean? I was just here yesterday and there was no problem…”

I easily made up for the AI’s lack of sullenness with my own tone.

“Need I repeat myself? Your access rights have been revoked by the ship’s commander.”

Said simply.

Matter of fact.

Like that was that.

“Uh…”

I started, dumbfounded.

“I told you something was different…”

Hearing that voice in my ear, that little nagging buzz that was normally so calming, it infuriated me.

“SHUT UP, ODIN!”

I snapped, both out loud and mentally. Double whammy. Or I was just that frustrated. One of the two. Exhaling slowly, I attempted to calm myself. Boy was that easier said than done. My hands trembled and I stared at them for a moment, willing it to stop.

“Odin, you caught me at a bad time, please just let me figure this out before you start with the ‘I told you so’s. Please?”

My mental tone was apologetic. Or as apologetic as your own voice in your head could be. Anyways. Odin kept quiet and I returned my attention to the task at hand. Janice.

“Janice, why was my access revoked? Is Cyrus back?”

Was now the time to start worrying? I certainly thought so. Anxiety rising, I bit hard at my bottom lip, awaiting the AI’s response. Somewhere in the back of my mind I registered a faint metallic taste on my tongue. Blood. Wonderful. Claire, let go of your lip. I ran my tongue across the inside of my lip, wincing at the coppery taste in my mouth.

“You do not have the clearance required for me to disclose that information.”

She sounded far too delighted by that. What had gotten into her?

“May I speak with him? Please?”

Oh I said please, that had to count for something. I never said ‘please’. Well, rarely. But that’s neither here nor there. At the end of the day, I said it. That was progress.

“I do not know of whom you speak, Miss Farron. Your access has been revoked as it should have never been granted to begin with. You may go now.”

I may go now? Oh really, you stupid *** computer. The growl rumbling in my throat spilled past my lips, growing into a low snarl. I was snarling at a damn computer. Seriously. Claire, have you lost your mind? That was shaping up to be a strong possibility.

“You know exactly who I’m talking about. If he’s back, tell him I’m looking for him and that I’d really like to see him. If he’s not back…would you please just…”

My tone broke. It cracked under the strain of the words. The weight of the panic. The potential for disappointment. He had left hadn't he? Oh gods. He was gone. That’s why she wouldn't allow me back on because he wasn't here to put her in her place anymore.

“J-janice…where is he?”

I asked softly, meekly, as I stared at the hatch in front of me.

Silence. And then.

“You are to be given no further information. That is all. You are dismissed. Good day, Miss Farron.”

Chipper Janice was unsettling. So off-putting was her cheeriness that the words didn't register right away. I blinked slowly. Then it hit me.

And I hit back.

The bottoms of my fists struck out at the metal siding with a loud clang. *** that hurt. But I pounded against it anyways, harder and harder. The din rising in my ears was equal parts flesh against metal, my heart pounding, and the cacophony of my thoughts.

“Lightning.”

His tone was warning. A warning I refused to take.

“Janice, you bitch, let me on! I deserve answers. I need to at least know why!”

I would have hated to see myself like this. Throwing a fit and kicking and screaming like a two year old who didn't get their way.

“Lightning.”

More insistent this time. Harder to ignore, but still I managed. Desperation mixed with fury and I hit harder and harder. Why did my chest hurt so badly? He was gone and he didn't even say good-bye. He had left everything behind. Including me. I should have known better. I should have known by his room remaining untouched, his familiar scent fading from his pillow, the layer of dust building on his possessions…I just…I should have known. My hands met my forehead then dragged down my face.

“Oooooogh.”

It summed up my feelings quite succinctly at the moment.

“Claire.”

Oh now that caught me off guard. Odin never used my given name. Blinking rapidly, I worked to still my thoughts in hopes of more easily facilitating my internal dialogue.

“Yes.”

Even in my head, my tone was broken.

“Little Goddess, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t keep fighting.”

Odin discouraging me from fighting? No. That couldn't be.

“What…what do you mean?”

I stared blankly up at the sky, fighting off the urge to cry. Nope. Not going to cry. Not here, not now, not ever. Sweeping the pads of my index fingers under my eyes, I wiped away any forming moisture and sniffed back the impending tears.

“You cannot withstand it, this constant fight. You have worn yourself down and if you push much further the eventual break will be irreparable. Conserve yourself; this is not one you will win.”

Defeated, I began the slow trek back home.

So much for today being my day.
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

The Piece of Me I Wish I Didn't Need (Early May)

The undeniable draw to the dark haired newcomer was almost instantaneous. From behind the bar, I had watched him come in like any other patron. Little did I know when his gaze met mine that my entire life was about to change. Quiet, brooding, and unbelievably beautiful, he was reminiscent of some sort of dark Adonis. Alright Odin, stop laughing, it isn't that funny! Fine. It sounded way better in my mind…all the same, I was doomed. His hair was a deep jet black that had a habit of catching the light like the sea at midnight. His eyes were a similar color though in the light they were closer to cobalt, a dark steely blue that was utterly entrancing. The fine lines of his face were well defined and spoke highly of his lineage. For the first time in my life, I could not help but stare.

Small talk uncovered very little about this mysterious man. He had come here searching. For what, he wasn't sure…or if he was sure, he wasn't saying. But he seemed genuinely perplexed as to what he was supposed to be looking for. His quest had brought him to Rhy’Din. Otherwise, he was quite secretive and guarded about himself. I can’t say I blame him really…when I first came here, it took me a whole week just to stop spending all day high up in the shadows of the Inn’s rafters, let alone actually divulge anything of importance about myself to others.

The Inn was chaotic, per usual. I pinched the bridge of my nose, exhaling slowly. The scent of lilies was strong in the air. The sweet smell did not bother me as it usually did though. I was too distracted by the man who stood before me. Who was he?

“For the love of Etro.”

I murmured, leaning languidly against the bar. The raven haired newcomer, Noctis, looked up from his glass of wine, a dark brow arching at my words. His reaction prompted an almost mirrored expression from me.

“Interesting…”

He rumbled in a low murmur, almost to himself. I looked at him inquisitively, searching his face for some clue.

“What’s interesting?”

I asked him quietly. By now, my full attention was on him, tuning out the din of the room around us.

“Nothing. Just a name I didn't expect to hear here.”

He said casually. Color me intrigued. I didn't know whether to ask more or be incredibly guarded. For the time being, I opted to err on the side of caution or paranoia even and chose to say very little on the matter.

“Perhaps we can discuss this at a later point.”

I offered, my eyes locked on his. For a moment, I thought I saw a flicker of red in his irises, but it was gone before I even properly registered it. He nodded his agreement and for now, that was that.

Several hours later

“Who is he?”

I asked out loud as I pulled the floaty blue dress over my head.

“In due time, Lightning.”

Odin responded. I sighed. How vague could he be? My hands run over the material as I look my reflection over critically. Why am I wearing a dress? I look ridiculous. I sigh softly, my mirror image pouting right back at me, none too pleased.

“Can you tell me anything at all?”

Asked mentally only, as I pulled on the strappy sandals.

“All in due time.”

Damn it Odin, some help you are.

The Next Evening

“What have I got myself into?”

I asked my empty bedroom. Pressing the heels of my hands against my closed eyes, I let out an exasperated huff of pure frustration. My head ached something fierce, in a way I’d not experienced since first arriving in Rhy’Din. I flopped face first onto my bed, groaning into my pillow. Somewhere behind me, my bedroom door creaked open and I looked up in time to see Doom the Bernese Mountain Puppy trot into the room. I dangled my arm off the side of the bed, wiggling fingers at the fluffy little dog. With a springing pounce, he attacked my fingertips, sharp puppy teeth piercing flesh. I winced, but let the spoiled canine continue using my hand as a chew toy.

Face down on my pillow, I sighed. How did I let that happen? He kissed me…Noctis freaking kissed me and I didn't even lay him the hell out for it. I can’t even remember what was said, all I can recall is chucking my half drank smoothie at his back as he walked away. He halted, coming to a dead stop before slowly turning to face me. The jeweled cobalt of his eyes flashed like rubies set aflame and he phased from his positioning ten paces away to right in front of me. I let out a surprised yelp at his sudden appearance, but the shock didn't compare to what happened next.

His arm came out to wrap around the small of my back, pulling me close to him as his other hand moved to tangle his fingers in my hair. His mouth crashed against mine and for a fraction of a second, I stared wide eyed, freezing. It was like a current of electricity coursed through our lips and I found myself kissing him back. The lapse of judgment was fleeting though, and my palms soon found his chest, following through with a firm shove backwards.

“What the hell?!”

I had squeaked at him. Crystalline aquamarines were wide as they trained upon him and I stood there aghast. My muscles were tense and I couldn't even move to smack the hell out of him for that.

“Claire…I’m sorry, I shouldn't have…”

He trailed off, looking utterly repentant and helpless. And in that moment, all I wanted was to go to him, to caress his cheek and tell him all was well. Instead, I turned away, forcing my feet to take me away from him. Too bad I couldn't escape the confusion as well.

“OW! DOOM!”

I yanked my hand away, abruptly ripped from my reverie by my now bleeding thumb. My face contorted into a deep scowl at the puppy who looked at me like ‘What?’ Grumbling under my breath, I pushed myself up and headed into the bathroom to clean my hand up.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Crimson splattered the stark white porcelain. Damn dog got me good. Cleaning the tear in the my skin, I wrapped it tightly with a clean washcloth, keeping pressure on it while I waited for it to stop bleeding. I stared blankly at my reflection in the mirror. Dear Gods, I was pale. Dark circles ringed my eyes, dulling the prismatic aqua of my irises to a flat almost cloud grey blue. In short, I looked like ***.

“Odin…what did I do to deserve this?”

I asked out loud, sighing softly. It seemed the bleeding of my hand had stopped and the skin was already starting to knit itself back together. Thankfully it wasn't delicate work and I didn't particularly care much if it scarred.

“I’m not sure I understand your question.”

Came the response. A sigh slipped past my clenched teeth, eliciting a low whistle between my lips.

“Why are things so twisted and distorted and messed up? What task did I fail so epicly at that the only suiting atonement is one in which nothing good can stay and everything else confused the hell out of me?”

Longest. Question. Ever. And it was met with an extended silence. Oh he better answer me.

“Lightning, I wish I had an answer for you. But know that you are strong enough to handle it. This much I promise you. I know not what course the Goddess has laid out for you, I am simply Her servant, tasked with your guidance and protection.”

Well, at least it was better than nothing. I sighed again, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“How do I proceed…in regards to…”

I rolled my wrist in an idle gesture while I tried to articulate the cluster**** of thoughts filtering through my mind.

“All of this?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that, Light.”

Odin said, a touch of exasperation accenting his usually patient tone.

“What do I do about Caelum?”

My own mental town matched the Eidolon’s. Examining the sealed bite mark on my thumb, I ran my fingertips across the raised ridge of pink scar tissue. Hopefully it would fade quickly. It hadn't been a particularly traumatic injury and the last thing she needed was another scar.

“Proceed with caution and with the knowledge that you have much to learn from this man.”

The Guardian spoke once more while I stared down my haggard reflection in the mirror. Much to learn. Cryptic Odin, how I loathe thee sometimes. For now though, perhaps a shower would help me think.

I crossed over to the shower then and sigh as I twisted the faux crystal knobs. Water streamed out in a quiet hiss from the gleaming shower head and pattered like rain onto the shower’s floor. Leaving a towel within reach, I closed myself inside and sighed in relief when my prickling skin met the steam of the water. Quiet tendrils cascaded through rose-blonde tresses, trembled over charcoal lashes, and ran down pale skin with casual caresses. For a minute or two, I just stood in the water, relishing the transparent delicacy of it across my skin. Then, I closed my eyes and turned my face up to the spray, letting it gently thrum against and massage my weary eyelids.

For now, this was all I needed. It was enough to cleanse me of my worries and wash away the clutter in my mind, curtained by closed eyes. I could finally grasp rationality and just think. A clear head. Clarity. That was all I needed. For now.
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Light and Night (Early May)

Love, or anything like it, was always an impossibly foolish notion. There was no room for such a thing in my life, not with everything else. I had a duty to fulfill. To my family, blood and otherwise, Serah, Hope, even Snow. To the world, the Guardian Corps, Bodhum, Pulse. There was no time to waste on such trivial feelings. But when it came to him... I couldn't seem to help myself. Definitely not in Rhydin.

I'm not really sure when it started but I'm so far in that there's no turning back now. I fell, long long ago into a darkness from which I can't recover. It's blinding, a deep, dark pit full of pain and anger directed at myself for being so stupid. Certainly I was better than this? How wrong I was. So very, very wrong.

Every minute that passes only serves to tighten the invisible anxiety in my chest and I found myself praying to the Goddess Etro that maybe, just maybe, she could make my heart numb enough that I wouldn't have to feel this. But then he caught my eye, his gaze unreadable. I looked away, not out of disrespect but rather in hopes of denying emotions that go much, much deeper than that. Hopefully he doesn't figure out what I'm hiding. Each memory that comes back only makes it worse and I'm fast finding that this stranger is no stranger after all.

As I watched him with his gaze upon the sky, I wondered just what he was thinking about. After a short time, he dropped his eyes and rubbed a few fingers against the back of his neck, an almost sheepish gesture that I found wholly unexpected in such a man. What was he thinking about?

The first tentative step was taken toward him, catching his attention and making him turn toward me. Once he realized who it was, his mouth quivered into a shy smile and an offering of his hand, nervous and unsteady as it was. Without thinking, I set my hand upon his. His grasp was warm and it didn't take long for the soothing heat to seep into my cold fingers. It was as if I knew this warmth, this comfort. Darting his gaze to one side, he quickly looked back, as if realizing that there was something improper about the moment. He squeezed my hand then lifted it to graze the back of his knuckles against the hollow of my cheek. There was an odd unnameable emotion in his eyes, like sadness and hope mixed with something I couldn't quite pin down. I wanted so badly to ask him who he was, that I knew what my mind was telling me but I wanted to hear it from him. Instead, I said nothing. This headache was awful, I went home instead.


“Odin…we need to talk…”

Returning home, I collapsed on the couch, kicking my feet up and rubbing at the never ending stabbing in my temples. I rub at my eyes, yawning softly against the back of my hand. So very tired. Music from my stereo gently wafted through the room, lulling me to sleep. No, no, no, now wasn't the time for sleeping! But…it was. And soon, I drifted into the abyss of unconsciousness.

'Goddess, are you really sure that I should be leaving here? Leaving you in Valhalla all alone? I'm supposed to watch over you...'

'Claire, my warrior child. Fear not, you have watched over me long enough. It is time for you to stand as guardian over someone else.'

'But-'

'Claire! You are the only one I trust to protect the Prince.'

'Etro-'

'Please Claire, you must do this...the war is coming and the Caelum Dynasty cannot defeat their enemy alone. The young Prince Noctis needs guarding.'

'Fine.'

'Claire-'

'Lightning...'

'Fine...Lightning. In order for you to guard and protect the Prince, you need the magic from being a L'Cie. Once you leave Vahalla, you would typically no longer be able to wield the power that you do here.'

'And when I'm done?'

'Once your mission is done, you will return here to fulfill your destiny. To follow in my steps.'

I awoke with a start and promptly fell off the couch. Ka-thud. Ow. As funny as it may have looked, it kind of hurt. At least it momentarily took my mind off the feeling of someone twisting a screwdriver into my frontal lobe.

“Odin, you owe me answers. I’m not even sure which way is up right now.”

I grumbled, hauling myself to my feet and heading for the comfort of my bedroom. Boots were unceremoniously kicked off and dumped aside, a heap of scuffed leather, worn with time.

“Perhaps I do. Where would you like me to start?”

Odin’s tone was contemplative, unsure of himself even. Hesitation, like I wasn't going to like what he had to say.

“The beginning.”

That seemed the logical starting place, yes? If only I knew the can of worms I had just opened. The Eidolon cleared his throat and in my mind’s eye, I could picture him sitting cross legged as he settled in to tell me a tale.

“When the universe was created, it was divided in two...”

This story? Already I felt the need to interrupt.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Odin, I’m looking for something a little more contemporary, not the beginnings of time.”

I stopped him, really not feeling like spending the next however long hearing about the creation of my home universe. All the same he continued.

“I believe the back story shall help you better understand you current situation. Now. Be quiet and listen for once. Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. The beginning. When the universe was created, it was divided into two realms, of which you’re familiar with…the Seen or the mortal realm and the Unseen or that of the departed. Seeking control of the mortal world, the god Bhunivelze killed his mother, the goddess Mwynn. As such, she was dispatched to the Unseen Realm.

“Despite his control, Bhunivelze believed that his mother had cursed his realm so that it would one day be destroyed. In order to keep this from happening, he sought out Mwynn once more to attempt to destroy her once and for all. But…he couldn't reach the Unseen World without relinquishing control of the Seen. So, he created the fal’Cie to seek out the entrance to the realm of the dead. The first created was Pulse, after which your world was named. His primary task was to search for the door to the Unseen World.

“To assist Pulse, he soon created Etro before realizing he had unknowingly created her in the likeness of his mother. Distraught at this predicament, he gave her no powers and instead created Lindzei, whom was tasked with protecting the world and Bhunivelze himself. While the triumvirate ruled the realm, Bhunivelze crystallized himself with the instruction that he was not to be woken until the door to the Unseen World was found.

“Pulse and Lindzei worked to fulfill their tasks while Etro fell to the wayside with neither power nor purpose. Our goddess fell into the depths of despair and killed herself, disappearing from the Mortal World. From her spilled blood, humanity took root and grew. Etro felt a bond with these creatures she had never intended to create, for they like her, were destined to die.

“Once in the Unseen World, Etro found Mwynn being consumed by an energy known as chaos, something you’re all too familiar with by now. With her last breath, Mwynn tasked Etro with protecting the balance of the universe, a task more important than any other, for if the balance were to be disrupted, the universe itself would collapse. The curse Bhunivelze had worried about was never a curse at all, but in fact, fate.”

In my mind’s eye, Odin rubbed a clawed hand over his face, obscuring the glowing green of his eyes for a moment. I sat quietly on the edge of my bed as I listened to the creation tale I had heard in fairy tales as a child. The beautifully violent origins of humanity as poetically tragic as they were. Odin exhaled slowly before continuing.

“Etro watched as Mwynn was consumed by chaos and she fought to understand her purpose. She became lonely, though she felt affection toward her humans, who lived only to die. She placed a piece of chaos within each human being, which came to be known as the heart. So long as humans continue to be born and die, then the universe will remain in balance. Etro became known as the Goddess of Death, who waited to greet each human as they passed through the door to the Unseen World.

“Etro granted the most selfless of gifts. Her power and strength flowed through the gate to the Unseen World, and with each passing second she grew weaker and weaker. Now the goddess slept within the Heart of Chaos. Should she cease to exist, then the power that she granted to humanity, the power that makes their universe whole, will disappear. When the sands of time run out on the goddess, so too do they on the world of man.

“Her Providence sought nothing.
Her Providence made nothing.
She but looked on, silent in Her sorrow.
The Goddess pitied mortals, destined as they were to die, and so She deigned to intervene in the hour of their greatest peril. She averted cataclysm that was to be, and put to rest the ones who would have robbed so many of what time fate had ordained.
Her compassion did not end at this.
The Goddess pitied also those subjected to that fate of Focus, crueler still than death. To them She sent Her messengers, to deliver hope when all was lost.”

I found my mouth moving in time to the sermon, as though from memory as Odin recited it in my head. But what did all of this have to do with me? As if on cue, he continued once more, this time applying the lesson to me.

“The Goddess sent you to protect the Prince…in hopes of saving the universe from the cruel fate of its destiny. As long as the last crystal remains intact, the world has hope yet. She tasked you with Caelum’s protection with the knowledge that she was dying and you would one day take her place upon the throne of Valhalla. She hoped you would succeed in your task…to prolong the amount of time the universe had. But it saddened her…your fate. A fate worse than death, an eternity in Valhalla, the shepherd of the dead. She wished to save you if it were possible. But it would come at great cost.“

His last words rang loudly in my head. Great cost. Save me if it were possible. From what? A fate worse than death. An eternity in Valhalla. Fated to be Etro’s successor. From Etro’s Champion to the Goddess of the Dead. It was enough to send a shiver rolling down my spine. Why hadn't she told me this? Then the snippets of my dream filtered back into my mind.

To follow in my steps.

Yet. Here I was. Here I was and Pulse was crumbling, twisting and distorting under the weight of chaos’s flow from the broken gate. It seems I traded one fate for another. Noctis had saved me from a un-life spent watching over humanity. In turn, I sacrificed the whole of Gran Pulse and who knows what other worlds…however many were connected to the Crux.

Could my return to Valhalla restore the balance?

Can I still save Pulse?

What is the cost?

Odin, I’m left with more questions than I started…and these are so much bigger than me.

I feel so small. So very small as I curl up on my side, destined to drift through another night of fitful nightmares. What would tomorrow hold…it was so uncertain, I wasn't even sure I wanted to know.

“Sleep, little Goddess, the answers will come in time.”



---
*Creation story retelling and its associated characters is based on Square Enix property, all rights reserved.
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Yo Ho Yo Ho A Pirate's Life For Me (Early May) [Adapted from Live Play]

The pegataur punched the pirate square in the mouth. Do you know how funny of an image that is? And still, I looked away, as if it had never happened. Business as usual, I had told him when he sought sympathy.

"Business as usual, and to think I started to care. I see why you and your sister fight so much. She sees how you don't care for those who care for you."

Diritas the “High Risk Trader” says with a vicious tone, knowing he'd hit a nerve with the remark. It hit a nerve hard enough it prompted a jolt of my shoulders. I was quiet for a long moment before casting an idle look over my shoulder, shrugging.

"Yep...you're right."

I said softly, in that same broken tone that I had used in the booth only minutes before when he and I had discussed the massive clusterf*** of fail that was my personal life at the present moment. Noctis gave me a sideways look before eyeing Diritas then shrugging. With a slight lean, he nudged me with his shoulder. Diritas kept his focus on me, seeming to have found what he was looking for when he heard the despair in my tone.

“You think you can run from that Claire? No, those who care for you will eventually figure it out. You’ll be left alone, despite everything. It’s the mask you wear. Your sister told me that when we wear masks, we forget how to trust others. You’ve forgotten, worse, you don’t want to remember.”

He shakes his head at me, his eyes cold and burning into my back.

“And those you care for, they’ll suffer for your choice, at your hands. Remember that the next time you judge someone who offered you comfort.”

As he spoke, my hands came to clasp at the small of my back. I sat perfectly still, almost statuesque as I took in his words. At some point, my eyes glazed over and I found a point to stare at a million miles away. He had rattled me, quite badly in fact, but it also prompted a shut down. Defense mechanism of all defense mechanisms, it was. When something hurt too bad, just shut it out…don’t feel it. And that’s exactly what I did, appearing to not even hear a word he said. Beside me, Noct moved his arm around my shoulders, as if reminding me of his presence there beside me. An unspoken promise that he would be there by my side no matter what.

“Lightning, you needn’t listen to him. Walk away. It’s that simple.”

Odin attempted to comfort me. It didn’t do much good.

Unfortunately, Diritas picked up on my discomfort and Noct’s calming presence quite easily and decided to attempt to capitalize on this perceived weakness.

“How long before he suffers for that too, Claire? So stalwart and strong, how long before you crush him like the others? You going to drag him down with you too?”

His voice was low, quiet, and carried the air of a brewing storm. Something I knew far too well. Somewhere out of the peripherals of my consciousness, I thought I picked up on Serah’s arrival. I might have been mistaken though. Who knew.

“Like to hear yourself talk, don’t you buddy boy? As for Claire crushing me the way you’re yapping on about…not going to happen.”

Noctis piped up, returning his gaze to the pirate with a slight smirk.

“So do us both a favor. Go back to playing with the people’s minds who allow you to do so, because at this moment…you’re just coming off as nothing more than another sad excuse for a man.”

I barely registered Noct’s words beside me. I was too busy trying to fight back the rage that was building at Di’s words. Oh no he didn’t. Oh hell no. I turned to face the pirate, my brow arching. A weakness, Noct most definitely was not. A feather’s touch of my fingers met Noct’s arm as I rose to my feet.

“Not even I, in all of my destructive glory, could bring this one down. He could lift me up from the depths of the blackest of your seas. You, with your talk of masks and trust…that must have hit a nerve with you to have remembered her words between your pathetic attempts at seducing my sister while she was on your ship. You don’t get the right to speak to me about these things. You do not know me, you do not know my trials or what I’ve suffered or what I’ve sacrificed. You, the scum that you are, do NOT get to judge me nor will I allow you to attempt to break me down. I refuse to give you that satisfaction.”

Finally registering Serah’s presence, I blew out a long, low breath. Beside me, Noct gently touched my arm, remaining silent as I went off on Diritas.

“Told you so.”

He said with a shrug to the pirate, shifting to stand next to me. The pirate returned Noct’s gaze, a simply gesture really, but the darkness in his eyes dared the man beside me to speak again, promises of violence bubbling at the surface. Those eyes were as cold as the Northern winters, and it was quite obvious he would have no problem exacting physical harm against Noctis. Or at least trying to. He wouldn’t get far. Finally, he looks back to me, seeming downright irritated that I had brought up his associations with my sister. Gaze cold with malice, he eventually spoke.

“I don’t have to judge you, Claire. You’ve shown us all what you are. Weak and dependant on those stronger than you. You want to call me scum, but at least I stand on my own two feet.”

His eyes bore into me as he flicks a finger, a black flame igniting on his fingertips as he points at me. Somewhere near the bar, poor Serah stood bewildered, more than likely wondering what had caused all hell to break loose in the short time she had been gone.

“Oh enough of that! Both of you back off each other like now! Stop it. Right now.”

Serah snapped out of her confusion and moved toward Diritas, a hand rose to push on his arm.

“Serah is right. Let it be. He is just trying to get one of us to play his game. We are both better than that.”

Noctis said with a side glance to me as he moved a hand to my shoulder. It seemed he deemed it fit to let Serah step in on one end while he handled the other side.

“I’ve stood strong in the face of things you couldn’t begin to imagine nor understand, you sad, pathetic little man. And because I’ve stood strong for so long, I’ve won enough favor that I can call upon those I care about to hold me up when I can’t do it myself. I may stumble and I may fall, but I have these people…these amazing, amazing people at my sides and what do you have?”

I stared at Diritas inquisitively, even as my sister put herself between him and me.

“You have your little ship, and your little flames, and not much else. I pity you, Diritas, really I do.”

The touch to my shoulder prompted the faintest of growls that died in the depths of my throat before coming to fruition.

“Fine.”

Was snapped to Noctis. Dangerous thing…one words responses. Di had let Serah pull his arm down as he listened to me, a growl rumbling deep in his chest as he looked down at her.

“I really need to break something Serah, and his smug little face is looking like a fantastic target. I don’t want you to get hurt, so please let go.”

His expression softened as he looked down at her if only for a moment before it hardened again.

“Claire Farron! Shut your yap! Stuff some pizza in there or some beer!”

Serah yelled at me while still staring up at Diritas, her hand still on his arm.

“I told you not to push her buttons. What the hell man? What did you think would happen? Deep breaths and back off. I mean it. You take a swing and it will just make things worse so come on!”

My little sister said to the pirate. Meanwhile, I opened one of the pizza boxes, yanked out a gooey piece of double pepperoni and green olive pizza and shoved the entire thing into my mouth, olives and crust and all. That should make Serah plenty happy. Beside me, Noct shook his head with a rather amused chuckle.

“It’s not that simple. I said I’m trying, didn’t say I’d managed yet. Guess the mask is just a little harder to take off than I expected yeah?”

Diritas breathed deeply, the flames on his hands flickering out before he looks down at her. He manages a small smile, sad though it is, his eyes still clouded with anger.

“Pushing people’s buttons isn’t good no matter what mask you wear. More so when you upset them. It seems like you are trying to pick a fight. Like the first time I saw you and my sister before you burnt her. It isn’t easy but you have got to want to change.”

Serah squinted her eyes at him. I watched the exchange, crossing my arms before looking to Noct with chipmunk cheeks full of pizza.

“Wot? Oh! Owerword chawwenge tonigh’, wan’ go?”

Tilting my head, I waited to see if he understood my query.

“Find it amusing how you eat sometimes, find it’s one of the things I just adore about you. Sure…we can go to the Overlord challenge tonight if you want.”

He said, unafraid of letting my sister hear him admit his adoration of one of my traits. All the same, I rolled my eyes and swatted at him while I chewed.

“Chut up. Okay, fanks.”

I was still chipmunk cheeked, but less so than before as I nodded at him. Across the room, Diritas rubbed at the growing bruise from where he had been punched by the pegataur. Dear gods, that’s still funny to think about. I managed to overhear him speak once more to my sister.

“I know, I am trying. Sometimes, it’s just my temper gets the better of me. You’re right though, I probably was in the wrong here. Let me make it up to you?”

He seemed to be pointedly ignoring myself and Noctis, his desire for violence still strong in his expression.

“You need to make it up to my sister. Apologize and mean it. Apologies should never be given if you don’t mean them. That is something one must remember. It is one of the foundations of trust. If you can’t apologize to her then at least stay away from her. Otherwise you know…I’d have to kick your butt.”

Once Serah was sure that he wasn’t going to go swinging, she released his arm and smiled then playfully stuck her tongue out at him.
I finally finished chewing and swallowing before washing it all down with some beer. Still watching the pirate and the other pink hair in the room, I nodded to Noctis.

“Just a night of spectating, no fighting.”

Keeping my eyes on Serah and Diritas the entire time. Noct and I went back and forth for a few minutes, discussing the logistics of the evening, while I continued to eavesdrop.

“I can’t apologize, I meant every word and I’m not sorry I said it. Someone had to. I am not all that interested in being her friend. It’s you I’m concerned about. I’ll stay away from her, but you know, if you ever want Noct’s ass kicked, you come to me. I’m more than ready.”

Di’s face had fallen as he listened to Serah, looking down at her gently. Upon his final words, he smiled at her, the promise of violence obvious on his face. Immediately, my protective side kicked in and I growled, my eyes locking on Serah before I spoke.

“If he comes anywhere near myself or Noctis, I’m sending Odin after him. That’s a promise.”

A heavy sigh sounded in my mind and I knew there would be hell to pay later. Sorry big guy, you’ll have to deal with it this time around.


[[My love and thanks to those involved, ya'll are amazing.]]
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

So He Returned (Late May)

“Claire, you’re only looking at further pain if you go up those stairs. In your emotional state, you run a high risk of inability to properly articulate yourself to that man and may cause further damage. I strongly advise against it. Please. This is me asking you, not as your guardian but as your friend. Do this for me, Lightning.”

How right Odin had been.

“You know, you can do me one great big favor. Make me forget you exist.”

The Spartan's words had cut like a straight razor across my heart. I wish I could, I wish I could make him forget. Instead, all I had for him were cruel words in return. As if my actions had not been enough. It was late, but I didn't have it in me to go home. I needed to go…do something. Anything. Anything to get my mind off of how badly I was hurting and how much pain I had caused to someone I cared about. All of the emotional tension had built up a fair amount of energy in my veins and I felt the need to…destroy. Something to counteract the storm that was coming.

To the Isle.

I stomped through the portal, caught somewhere between bristling with fury and on the verge of tears. I didn't know whether to break down and cry or to blow something up. Hands pushing back through my hair, I tangled my fingers at my crown and let out a feral growl. Of pain. Of heartache. Of anger. All of it culminating as I went up the beach, unsteady steps in the sand causing me to falter here and there. Noctis had followed me every single step of the way and I only imagined that he could feel every ounce of hurt and ache that I did. I knew he hated seeing me like this, him just being in close proximity made it possible for him to share in my emotions. And right now, that couldn't be pleasant.

“Lightning?”

He waited for me to come to a stop before asking softly. Moving up behind me, he slowly moved to wrap his arms around me. When he touched me, I winced involuntarily before promptly breaking down. This whole crying thing was old. I have cried more in the past few weeks than I had in years. Perhaps Noct was right and I was just becoming a softie. Or maybe Odin was right and I just couldn't fight anymore. All the same, I bawled, my arms dropping to hang loosely as I sobbed.

“I…just…” Each word choked out between sobs. “I’m…not meant…” I inhaled, trying to catch my breath. It hurt to breathe, and for a moment I wondered if this is what a panic attack felt like. “To be…happy…”

My voice broke on that last word and I felt my legs giving out underneath me. He slowly shifted to stand in front of me and shifted his arms to move around my waist. His didn't say a word, he simply held me. Even when my knees gave out and met the sand beneath me, he moved to lift me up. One arm staying tightly around my waist with the other moving to guide my head to rest against his shoulder, letting me cry as he caressed my hair.

“Yes you are, Claire.” He said to me softly as he closed my eyes, trying to find the right words now. “I am sorry that this happened and I wish things could have gone down better. But even you deserve happiness.” He took a deep breath and slowly let it out before saying the last part. “What we have is proof of that.”

I tried my hardest to catch my breath, but the more I fought, the harder it got and soon I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating. My breaths coming in little gasps, I whimpered into his shirt.

“Noooo, no I’m not.” I sobbed against his shoulder. “I loved him, Noct…I did.” Whimpering again. “And I hurt him. Bad.” I sniffled as I choked out another sob. “I destroyed that man.” Breaking down and bawling again, my fingers grasping at the material of his shirt. “I’ll hurt you eventually too, you know…” Letting out a whining whimper against his shoulder. “It’s what I do…”

“Claire. Close your eyes and start taking in slow, deep breaths.” He continued caressing my hair as he listened to me. “Yes, you do. Everyone does.” He spoke softly as well as he continued to let me cry. His eyes flickered from their usual blue to a faint red when he heard something I said, but he seemed to push it out of his mind for the time being. “Claire. Both of you were hurt in this.” He slowly shifting me now to try and look down at me, trying to get me to look up into his eyes. “Stop it. I know you are hurting badly right now, and everything that just happened.” He fought to be my pillar of strength and I bit my lip at the pain I could feel from him as he spoke again. “I will always be with you, through every high we share and through the low moments that we share.” I tried to shake my head, still fighting to catch my breath. I wanted to do as he said but it wasn't working.

“No…no, I don’t.” Said between sobs still, when all I wanted was to just drop into the sand and bury myself. “No, I don’t get to be hurt in this. I did this. I did this to him and to you and to everyone. I’m not allowed to be hurt.” I managed to shake my head this time. “Go ahead and go before I say more that might hurt you too. I can tell you’re hurting already just by being around me…by being so close, you feel my pain and that’s something I never wanted.” I locked my knees to make sure I wouldn't collapse as I made a half-hearted attempt at extracting myself from his arms. No matter how hard I fought, I couldn't get free.

“Yes you do!” He declared, shifting enough to get me to look up into his eyes. “Yes, you are hurt because of this, and it’s going to hurt for a while. How long? I do not know. The others that were hurt? It will take time for them as well.” He stared down into my eyes. “As for me? Yes, I am feeling your pain right now, and yes I know it hurts you to see me feeling that pain.” He paused for a moment as he let out a slow breath. “But it’s a pain that I willingly take, and that I will always share with you. So you might as well stop trying to run from me, and stop trying to tell me to leave. It’s not going to happen. I swore to you that I would never leave you again, never leave you alone and to never let you face anything alone again. Nothing is going to keep me from holding to that vow. We are one, Lightning. That might scare you right now, but that is why we are so connected to each other. We have always been so since the moment that we first met, and we will always be connected.” My struggling to free myself quickly lost any hint of energy and I whimpered again.

“I’m sorry, Noct…I’m so sorry…” I mumbled against his shoulder, my lower lip quivering. “It hurts so bad…I don’t want to share that pain with you. I love you too much…” I winced and broke down once more, poor Noct would need a dry shirt by the end of this. My grasping hands felt at his chest until they found the outline of the crystal around his neck. It seemed to offer me some comfort and my sobs died down into quiet sniffles. “It doesn't scare me…the only thing that scares me is seeing you end up like him…” Biting at my lip again, I held him close, whimpering. “I just…I wanna go home…please?”

“Stop saying you are sorry to me, Claire. This is a pain that I am willing to take, and share with you.” He spoke softly to me as he shifted and scooped me up to cradle me in his arms. “I won’t end up like him, nor will you.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “As you wish, my beloved.” Letting out a soft breath, we simply disappeared from the Isle, homeward bound.
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Of Retrospect and Regret (Mid June)

“It was a lose-lose.”

These slip-ons were not the best for running. Not in the least. But still, I ran. The slap of the charcoal Toms against the pavement underfoot, normally so calming to me, only had me sinking further and further into the dangerous depths of my mind at the moment. Maybe if I kept going, just pushed a little harder, eventually I could run far away from this place and away from the pain. Away from the disappointment. Away from the constant reminders of what I did. And what I lost. And what I still had to lose.

“Go be happy, Claire. That’s the best thing you can do for the both of us.”

Cyrus's words echoed in my head. Go. Be. Happy. What a strange, strange idea. How. How am I supposed to accomplish that when I’m constantly reminded of reasons to be unhappy? When everywhere I turn, I’m shown how badly I *** up. What do I do then? Happiness is overrated anyways. If you could live in a world such as this and be genuinely happy…well…well…I don’t know what. Just. It seems impossible. Every time I thought I was happy, something comes along and throws me for a loop.

“Light, he was right though. Your happiness could bring about his. And it is not as unattainable a goal as you lead yourself to believe.”

Odin’s voice rumbled soothingly through my mind and I slowed my sprint to a jog. My head shook back and forth in protest. No, no, he wasn’t right. It had been decided. I’m not allowed to be happy. It wasn’t in the cards. Wasn’t in the Fates. It simply wasn’t Etro’s plan for me. Was this the half-life I had been warned of? Alive but not really living? Watching those I care about as they slip further and further away?

“Claire Rose, stop that right this moment. I am not going to sit by and listen to this stream of self-deprecation. I was tasked at lifting you up from the depths of your despair and right now is looking like a suiting enough occasion. Though, it may be interesting to explain whatever damage comes from you facing me once more.”

Wait a second. Did he just middle name me? I wasn’t even aware he knew my middle name. Though I suppose if he has access to expanse of my mind, it would make sense for him to know stupid stuff like that. I rubbed at my eyes, willing away the tears that were burning along my lash line. Crying is dumb. Crying in public is even worse. The handful of tears I had shed on the front steps of the Inn were bad enough. And though it was late and there was no one around to see, I refuse to do it again. When I had walked away from the Inn, I had texted Zack.

“Hey, I'm gonna head out. Get home safe k?”

Straightforward, simple enough. To let him know that I was leaving and not to worry about me. The response had popped up onto the device’s holo-deck quickly.

“Alright. Think it would be best that you avoid those two as much as you can from now on. Same goes for Noct.”

Sound enough advice. He always was good at that. In my state, I had fired off a rapid enough response even as I started to head off from the Inn.

“Yea sure. I'm gonna avoid everyone.”

Let’s see if he would pick up on the implication of my words. I never was particularly good at interpreting text, but he always was the more intuitive of the two of us.

“Hey... No avoiding me.. Remember that you always have me if you need anything.”

Of course. Of course he got it. Everyone meant everyone and he knew I meant it. When I saw that, I had sighed. Oh so heavily. Even as I slowed my jog to a brisk walk, I peered down at the communicator. It was times like these that I both loved and loathed him. After a while, I stopped to take a moment to see where I was. Sniffling softly, I sighed. Well crap. Backtracking until I found somewhere that looked familiar, I flipped through a few things on the wrist comm device before hitting a button to call Noctis, patiently waiting for it to ring.

“Hey…I heard a little on what happened. Where are you at?”

Noct answered quickly. Evidently he had been tipped off by certain friend of mine, whom shall remain nameless for the same of protecting him from the, oh who am I kidding? Zack had just been moved to the top of my Gibbs smack list. And maybe even to the top of the strangling list as well. I blinked at the communicator a few times, tilting my head.

“Nothing happened. I’m fine. I’m uh…in the Dragon’s Gate area…I think? Can you send someone to get me or something?”

I chewed on my lip as I spoke into the communicator. The downside of not staying in town, it made for a hell of a time getting home at the end of the night.

“Alright…I’ll be there in a moment.”

He said softly. I furrowed my brow, confused. I hadn’t thought him to be anywhere close to where I was. All the same, I soon found him standing in front of me. His hand touched to the crystal around his neck, his other hand lowered his phone as he slid it closed, offering me a smile.

“Hi…”

I said quietly, mustering up a weak smile as I drew the back of my hand over my eyes. Sniffling one last time, I put on my brave face and went straight for him, burying my face against his chest.

“Hey…we can talk about this when you wish to do so.”

He spoke quietly to me, slipping his phone into his pocket before moving his arms around me, sighing softly as he ran a hand over my hair. Content to hold me close while I regained my composure. I drew my arms up between him and myself, my fingers curling into the material of his shirt while I concentrated on calming myself down. The run and subsequent walk hadn’t been enough to do so, unfortunately.

“It’s always a lose-lose. When will it not be? It’s like…no matter what way I go, it’ll never be the right way.”

I ask softly, peeking out just enough to look up at him for a moment. He sighed softly as he looked down to me for a long silent moment, still combing his fingers through my hair. He seemed to be trying to pick his words carefully.

“It will probably never reach that point for some, L. No matter how much we would like that to happen, some will just always want to treat us this way. I hate seeing you like this. All I want is for you to be happy.”

He said quietly in return, shifting his hands to my cheeks, his thumbs wiping away any tears that still fell from my eyes. There was that whole happy thing. Here was yet another person who only wanted to see me happy and here I was, simply unable to give him that. I closed my eyes for a moment, the fingertips working through my hair having a slight calming effect on me.

“It isn’t fair. I just, I never know what to do anymore. I am happy with you. I am unhappy with myself. You have been nothing but wonderful to me…I’m just still struggling with how things went down and the effects my actions and decisions had.”

I found myself rambling and closed my mouth. One of the hands against my cheeks moved to run back through my hair again while the other shifted to catch my chin, lifting my eyes up to his.

“Some things in life aren’t fair. And I am happy with you as well. As for what has happened…that is something that is going to take time for everyone involved to get over. I don’t know how long it will take. The only thing we can do is try to focus on the good times we have, and try to work through the bad ones. All of it together.”

His gaze was steady, his tone unwavering. And for a moment, his words rang clearly in my mind. I hadn’t intended to look him in the eye, but soon, mine were locked with his.

“I’ve never done the whole…break up thing…me and dating, well…you should know, I just didn’t do it. And I feel like I'm navigating a dingy in a hurricane over a coral reef littered with rocks. Without a compass. Or a lighthouse. At midnight."

Sighing softly, I shake my head, having gotten lost during that metaphor.

"Anyways. He's says he'll be happy if he sees I'm happy, but I'm not happy because I don't see him happy. It's a constant catch twenty two. I'm sorry the bad ones have been so numerous since you arrived..."

Shrugging, I nod. He remained quiet while I talked, tilting his head as he listened. A hand moved to cup my cheek again.

“Nor have I, Lightning. Before you? I never dated or anything, yet you changed that. Just as I changed that about you. Those were the best moments of my life, from fighting you, to fighting alongside of you. As well as all those moments we shared in between. As for him being happy? I do hope he finds someone as well. Perhaps they are numerous right now, but those will fade in time. We just have to focus on what we both want. "

He held my gaze the entire time, and I couldn’t look away no matter how hard I tried. Chewing hard on my bottom lip, I nodded again to his words, leaning in against the hand to my cheek.

"I know...I know...but I didn't...couldn't remember that when I came here. And look at the mess I made. I just want everyone to be happy. World peace and all that stupid ***. I'd give everything I had to make things right, but I can't. And now you're stuck picking up the pieces. That's not fair to you..."

My lip quivers and for a moment I go quiet to get my emotions in check again. Softly shaking his head as he moved his other hand to cup my other cheek, lightly caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.

" Stop it, Lightning. For a while after you left. I couldn't remember anything about what we were in the past, and it took me coming here and finding you to slowly remind me. As for making everyone else happy? If they want that. They have to find it for themselves, as well as them wanting you to be happy. Nor would they want you to give up your happiness. If that is what they want? Then they never cared for you. And I will always be here to do so, because I love you."

He smiled faintly, even as he spoke and she couldn’t help but smile in return. Her hands, even though they shook, came up to rest over top of those against her face.

"But did you make a mess out of things back home after I left? Like this?" She gives an idle gesture to the city around them. "All I want is for others to be happy. I don't care if I am. But he...he said I should do what's best for me. I don't know what that is...I don't care what that is...I don't."

I close my eyes, keeping myself from shaking my head so as not to disrupt the gentle caresses against my cheeks. I reopen my eyes to look at him, teeth catching my lower lip to keep it from quivering again.

"How do I fix it? And I love you, I love you so much it makes my heart hurt, and all I can think about right now is what happens if I hurt you too? Who picks up the pieces then?"

" Enough. I already told you that I hit rock bottom after you left, and it took my friends there to pick me up. And like I said before. They will find their own path to being happy, there is nothing that you can do about it. It wouldn't be fair to you if you gave up your own happiness for them to be happy. "

He paused on that for a moment.

" I don't know, L. As I have said before... It will take time. Perhaps it is time for the two of us to just disappear, away from everyone and everything. "

Looking down at me, he shifted to scoop me up to be cradled in his arms. I opened my mouth as if to say something before quickly closing it and shaking her head gently.

"How do I do it then? How do I let myself be happy when there are those that suffer because of me? Tell me...because...I don't know. I just...don't know. Running away...what good does it do?"

Scooped up, I lean my head against him with a sigh. He sighed softly again as well.

" I don't have the answer to that. All I can tell you is to focus on what makes you happy. I know it is hard with everything that has happened, but in the end, there is the chance that there is nothing that you can do, but give people space to let them get over what happened. At the moment, it would get you far away from this, so you don't have to face it all the time, because it seems like some here keep bringing it up out of spite to hurt you. "

Shifting to press a kiss to the top of her head. I chew on my lip again, something to give my mouth to do other than ramble out useless words. My eyes fall closed when he kisses the top of my head and I let out a soft but contented sigh.

“I know what makes me happy...but then I get to thinking and thinking is my worst enemy. Time heals all wounds...something like that right? And if I have to hurt, then so be it. I can take it. Because I brought it on myself. And if they feel that's the way it has to go, then fine." I went quiet for a moment, pensive. "Where would we go?"

" You make me happy, yet when you suffer. I suffer. It has always been that way between us, and will always be that way between us. Then that means I will be there each and every step of the way. Picking you up when you need to be picked up, and holding you when you need to be held. As well as loving you the whole time. " Pausing at her question. " I'll go where ever you will go. No matter what follows. "
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Sanctum and Solace (Mid July)

“It’s awfully big…don’t you think?”

I murmured quietly as I trailed from room to room of our newly acquired home. Bringing my hand up, I chewed at my lip and scratched the back of my neck. It was practically palatial. Practically.

“Really, Light, if you think about it, it pales in comparison to the palace in Lucis. This is small for the Prince.”

Odin sounded in my ear. I hmm’d my acknowledgement. The Eidolon had a point. My footsteps echoed through the empty rooms of the house Noctis and I had just closed on. The waterfront estate was far more than I could have ever expected. It was everything I had wanted and more. Just outside of the city, it sat on an expanse of land that gave me the space and quiet that I had so badly yearned for, while keeping us close enough to the city that it just was a matter of a quick ride into town. The Realtor had told us it used to belong to a wealthy businessman who had to sell it when his wife had caught him messing around with his secretary or something like that. Why the Realtor thought we needed to know that was beyond me, but all the same. It was ours now.

“I suppose you’re right.”

Another quiet murmur as I held a paint swatch up against the wall. This place, though, was less house and more compound and I was doing my best to not think about it by contemplating paint colors for every…single…room. Every room of the main house as well as every room of the two bedroom lakeside guest cottage that was far closer to what I had expected when Noct and I had talked about buying a home.

“Additionally, it doubles as the base for his business dealings. So, certainly you can see the allure.”

Another good point raised by Odin. I sighed, nodding to myself as I proceeded to the next room. Somewhere mentally I noted the shade of blue I wanted to use for the previous room. Something called Northern Places. That would work. Really all I wanted to do right now was to go outside and get lost somewhere among the acres of trees on the property. Or maybe go down to the lake and just swim until this all sunk in. It was a sense of permanence that I wasn't used to.

“Do you think I’ll be able to get Serah to come visit?”

I asked quietly, more so to myself than anyone else. It weighed heavily on my mind as I continued on in my quest for the perfect paint colors for each room. Dusky Rose, Eggshell Blue, Mesa Red, Woonsocket Bronze…what the hell is a Woonsocket? That much I wasn't sure of, but it provided for a few solid minutes of contemplation while I tried to figure it out. Spring Meadow, Tipper Teal, Stonewall Jackson. Where in the world did they come up with some of these names? Stonewall Jackson? Really?

“While I may hope so, I do not want you getting your hopes up.”

Odin’s answer confirmed my fears. I sighed softly as I flipped through the paint cards, continuing to hold up various ones against walls and trim alike. Kelsey Island Green doesn't look very green, I don’t care what they say. And Salem Green looks more blue. Sigh. Cape Cod Green…now that’s green. Another one was noted before echoing steps carried me further.

“It’s just so big…”

I repeated in a low murmur, trying not to think about my sister or any of the burning pain that seemed to linger in my chest when I let my thoughts stray that direction. Huh. I thought Yosemite Pine wouldn't be so…grey. Somewhere down the hall I heard an annoyed growl followed by a cat hissing and I sighed heavily. All this space and somehow the cat and the dog still found a way to get on each other’s nerves.

“Think of it as having room to grow.”

It was Odin’s attempt at being comforting. Room to grow. Could we eventually fill these rooms? I never saw myself as the family type. I mean hell…look at how things had gone wrong with Serah and I. Why should I ever have kids of my own? But here I am…staring at this room, head tilted just slightly as I envision it as a nursery or a playroom. Folding my arms across my chest, I sigh softly. The thought was daunting, though in the some distant part of my mind, I found myself longing for the normalcy and stability that I thought a family would bring.

“I don’t know, Odin…sometimes I don’t think I’m meant to have all of that.”

I said out loud again, quite unaware how crazy I probably sounded, talking to myself the way I was. Chewing hard at my lower lip, I walked the perimeter of the room, my mind’s eye still lingering on thoughts of bassinets and mobiles and shades of pink or blue. With a rather hard swallow, I turned to leave the room without even picking a color for it.

“Well...you aren't meant to have all of that, Lightning.”

Odin’s words had me coming to a dead stop in the doorway. Somewhere in my throat, my breath had caught and I had to cough a few times to clear the un-abating lump left behind. I wanted to question him, but deep down I knew he was right. It wasn't the path that had been laid out for me. Here I was straying further and further from my predestined course, certainly it was only a matter of time before I was drawn back to my duty. Right?

Despite the expansive space of the house around me, I felt like I was suffocating and in a fit of claustrophobia, I found my hurried footsteps carrying me down the stairs. I was practically accosted by a concerned member of the household staff—yes, this place was big enough to need a household staff--, and I quickly waved her off before bursting out the back door and taking off at a dead run down the back lawn and out onto the dock. I didn't stop until I had to, coming perilously close to running right off the end. Out over the open water, I heaved a sigh of relief. The faintest of glances over my shoulder had me wincing and quickly returning my line of sight to the horizon.

The evening cast an orange haze above the water, lighting up the sky and lake both as if they were aflame. A cool breeze blew in from the water and I sighed softly as it whipped rose colored strands around my face. It was calming, really. Behind me, dusk was settling and the beginning hints of stars were already peeking through the tendrils of darkness that were slowly spreading through the sky. Lost in my thoughts, I don’t know how much time passed. But as the horizon burned with the last light of day, soon the tranquility of night extinguished it and I was left with peace and darkness. The pinks and purples and oranges were replaced by midnight blue, granite grey, and jet black. I wrapped my arms around myself tightly, slowly drawing myself back to reality. Utterly alone.

“’Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.’ It may not be your destiny to have such things, but while you have them…cherish them.”

Odin spoke the words before my lips had the chance to form them. Marcus Aurelius. It was a quote I had become familiar with some time ago. It sent shivers down my spine. Fate was fickle and stupid. It took me a moment, but if Odin wanted to play that game, I could too.

“’It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.’ …My life can’t be dictated by the whims of deities. I won’t let it.”

I said almost angrily, unable to disguise the acid and vitriol in my tone. Besides, I could see William Ernest Henley beating the crap out of Marcus Aurelius in a fair fight any day. Turning on my heel, from the end of the dock I looked up at the monstrous house looming over me. Home. It was my home now. Our home. Where Noctis and I would make a life together, against fate, against the odds. Now here’s to hoping that sheer determination and stubbornness would be enough to help us prevail. After all…it was how we had made it this far, wasn't it?
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Chaos Rising (Early September 10th)

“It’s been a long day, little one. Rest and replenish.”

Despite my exhaustion, sleep didn’t come easily. I drifted in and out of dreams for the better part of the night. Flashes of the night prior were interspersed with the stuff of nightmares. I tossed and I turned over and over. They started as separate entities. Which was easy enough to handle, I thought. Replaying the dance that made up the match, the power coursing through my veins, the perfect concentration, and the near perpetual grin that had been plastered to my face. Versus the darkness of a dank room and malice hanging in the air. Absolute dread of events yet to come. As the night progressed and I became more restless, the boundaries began to blur and the dreams bled into each other.

"Go Claire! Cast like you mean it!"

A flash of pink hair, scattered over ice blue orbs. The calm before the storm.

"Good Claire. Good "

The ritualistic chanting. Fear pouring from the one bound in the center of a circle.

“Re-center yourself, breathe, and focus.”

The shock of the spell as it hit me square in the chest. The satisfaction of knowing my own hit its mark.

"Splendid! Splendid ... "

A rush of churning water. A flashing of enchanted fish.

"Ahh, t'chaa ... don't let that faze you! Two more!"

Thrashing and flailing, a flurry of movement. Screams that echoed off of barren walls.

"Shake that off, Claire."

The chanting got louder and louder. Until it overpowered the screams, crushing them into silence.

"Just like that, yes. Just like that."

The overwhelming elation of the first win. A concentrated blast of energy.

“I don’t recommend tapping those reserves, Light.”

A bead of sweat forming on my brow. Enduring a tougher fight than before.

"One more, L!"

High pitched screams dying away to a gurgle. A metallic scent lingering thickly in the air.

"Come on Claire"

The cult disperses. The woman is left behind.

“Savior.”

I stumbled. Chaos almost took hold.

"Shake that off, Claire and close it out."

Darkness crept in. Darkness and utter silence. Until the loud BANG!

"Well done, Claire!"

It was mine. The voices of my supporters swirled around me while I looked down at the lifeless body of the woman before me. Jubilation and pride, practically swept off my feet by the heat of my beloved’s lips. Her eyes stared blankly, fear permanently etched on her expression. Congratulations and the taste of vanilla buttercream frosting. Much like the taste of victory, it was sweet. I took a closer look at the one on the ground, her face forever contorted into a pain-filled grimace. I wondered what might have been the last thing she saw. Her slight but athletic frame was twisted and bent in ways that indicated an excess of broken bones. There was a familiarity about her. Elation. Pain. Euphoria. Panic.

Rose-tinted locks. Light blue eyes. Gentle but slightly angular facial features. The longer and closer I stared, the louder the cheers became until all I saw were her empty eyes and all I heard was an indecipherable din of screams.

“The Savior comes.”

I sat bolt upright in bed, sweat dripping down my back and making my tank top cling to my body uncomfortably. My hands rubbed my face over and over in a futile attempt at wiping the sleep from my eyes and erasing the remnants of the woman’s face out of my mind.

“Odin…what was that…”

I murmured softly, taking care not to wake the man sleeping beside me. Dear gods, he was adorable when he slept, a light crease in his brow like he was thinking hard. I pursed my lips and resolved to keep my dialogue strictly internal.

“What, my child?”

His voice was normally so soothing, but for some reason it didn’t seem to do the trick tonight.

“Did you hear that?”

I asked. Much like I had asked him before. But maybe…just maybe with how intense that dream was, he might have finally taken notice of my plight.

“Ssssssaaaaaa—“

“Hear what?”

“—viorrrrrrr.”

“THAT!”

I said it out loud, enough to make Noct startle just slightly. Thankfully it didn’t rouse him beyond that. I tried to swallow but my mouth was bone dry. Odin was quiet for far too long.

“No…I didn’t.”

But…but…he always heard.
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Newly Risen, How Brightly You Shine [October 22nd]

The Citadel. How like Valhalla it was. Despite the unsettling nature of the latter of the two, here I found myself centered. Like I was home. At peace. Or so I believed.

Deep within the temple, I sat, just on the edge of the Circle of Genesis, in the middle of which sat the undying flame that held my attention. In spite of the aching of my body, I managed to pull myself into a slightly uncomfortable full lotus position. Feet on opposing thighs, my hands gently cupped in one another in my lap, it hurt to extend my back fully but for the sake of the pose, I did so anyways. Little mattered in this moment, my serene tranquility unhindered by anything except my mind. Ever the raging storm within, I found herself drifting therein. The glow of the fire flickered across delicate features, casting dancing shadows on the floor.

“Is this the power you seek?”

The familiar and ever calming voice in my head spoke to me after an extended period of silence. I slowly shook my head back and forth, fire lit aquamarines pinned on the brilliant flame before me. Beside it, I felt so minuscule and insignificant. So much at my fingertips, but who was I to harness it. Hesitation was evident across my expression, as if I had reached a fork in the road. One hand withdrew from my lap, a languid yet deliberate sweep of fingertips across my forehead, clearing my line of sight, if only temporarily from being obscured by wayward locks.

“Is it even power you seek, then?”

The deep voice boomed within the confines of my mind. This prompted a tilt of my head, unblinking gaze never straying from the immense flame. I answered neither verbally nor mentally but after a few moments, I slowly shook my head again. Of course, this sent the bubblegum pink strands scattering across my view again, but it seemed to matter little. It was far too easy to get distracted by the insignificant. Much too easy to allow myself to get sidetracked and pulled away by the inconsequential. What was it that I sought out? Odin's questions prompted introspection and as usual, I found myself without answers. I knew not what I was looking for, simply that this...this wasn't it.

“Knowledge, perhaps?”

Pause. Head shake.

“Then what, my child?”

Ah, he asked me finally. And still, I had no answer. Reticent, I perched at the edge of riposte. Minutes of silence dragged out into hours and before long, I had spent the entirety of the night sitting cross legged at the edge of the circle. At some point, my eyes had fallen shut, though I did not sleep. The bright light of the dazzling flame lit up my eyelids, a steady glow to which I was drawn. Without pomp, without ceremony, my eyes snapped open. No great retort spilled forth, no profound thought, just a simple single word.

“Balance.”

I had my answer. And for now, the voice in the back of my mind was sated.
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Of The Sea & Of The Stars [November 10th]

I did not awake to the sound of the waves on the shore outside of the Seaside Baronial Manor. Or the quiet calm and gentle twinkling of the stars above Twilight Isle. No. Instead, I woke up at home, Caelum Manor, outside of Rhy'Din. And how grateful for that fact I was. I ached. Everything hurt and I hadn't left the house since Friday night. It was equal parts disappointment and pain that kept me here, avoiding society and showing my face in public. My bruised and battered face that prominently showed off the war wounds acquired in my main event fight against a powerhouse fighter from the team we were up against this past week.

“I feel as though you should allow me to accelerate your healing, Lightning. It does not do to dwell on failures.”

Even tugging my pillow over my head couldn't block that voice out. The ever present. The unwavering. But still I tried. I didn't want to listen to Odin speak of easing my pain, no matter how badly it hurt. The break in my hand, the bruising and swelling in my face, the ache in my back where I had been punched in the kidney. Not gonna lie, that last one was rather brutal.

“No, Odin. I'm fine. Just...let me rest...”

I muttered out loud with the knowledge that I was alone in my bedroom. Noctis, as busy as ever, was up before the sun and me? I was alone. Well, alone save for Odin. At least I wasn't nearly as sore as I was yesterday. That was always a plus. I think at this point, I was simply moping.

“Rest is good and well, but I believe you could use some--”

Odin began to object only for me to block him out, quite sufficiently much to my surprise.

“Enough Odin. I need to train more. I push through the pain and I learn from it. No pain, no gain.”

I huffed at him, tossing the comforter off of my body. Kicking my aching legs over the side of the bed, I pushed myself upright, gritting my teeth through the pain. No pain, no gain, no pain, no gain, no pain, no gain. I had to repeat it over and over in my mind to keep myself moving. I wanted nothing more than to fall back in bed and pull the blanket up over my head to hide there all day. Eventually Odin's voice was able to blip back on to my radar and I grunted in annoyance.

“Lightning, I wish you wouldn't do that. I'm only trying to help you. When my keeper diminishes herself beyond the point of repair where does that leave me? You leave me in limbo if you do that and I've nowhere to return to with the goddess...gone.”

His scolding held an overtone of concern and really I should have listened. He had a point after all. I pushed my hands back through my hair, fingernails raking against my scalp in the process. Maybe a shower was in order, then I could call li Fonti up for a sparring match. He had become my de facto boxing partner with Noct as absent as he was. I could have just as easily called Zack up, but really, punching him over and over gets old and I prefer to save that for when he deserves it. Not that he made a bad sparring partner, really, he never held back on me after all. But that tended to lead to utter chaos and destruction and things ultimately getting broken. So for now, I would settle for Ezio because he would push me without us destroying half of the training center.

“Odin...I'm okay, I promise. It was just a fist fight and he didn't hit me that many times. If you...if you wish for me to put your Eidolith somewhere for safe keeping...just...just tell me and I will. That way if something happens to me...I don't know...you won't be...lost I guess.”

I muttered to myself, leaning to start the shower and get out of my pajamas. The thought of not having Odin with me at all times was rather daunting, something I'd not thought feasible after so long having his comforting calm. But...was I being selfish? Was I running the risk of taking Odin down with me should I snap? Perhaps it was time to consider sacrificing my peace of mind in favor of the Eidolon's. Steam filled the bathroom and even though the water was hot, I shivered with the chill of the idea. Once more torn between what I wanted and what might be right. Odin stayed quiet throughout my reverie and I washed up quickly, stepping out into the dense fog of the master bathroom.

“That is not what I am requesting, Claire. I am with you until you no longer need me and I am of the opinion that I am still needed. Do you feel otherwise?”

His voice quieted in the back of my mind and I exhaled a soft sigh. As conflicted as ever, I toweled out my hair and quickly threw it up into a loose ponytail. Slipping into the form fitting training uniform, I contemplated all of the routes I could take at this point.

“I don't know, Odin. I don't know what to think or to feel or to do. I'm just...focusing on one day at a time right now.”

I murmured quietly, rubbing my hands over my face before grabbing for my phone to fire off a text to Ezio requesting him to meet me in the training room. Clutching the device tightly, another steadying breath was taken as I made my way down to the center.

“Your answer right there tells me that perhaps I am right in this. One day at a time is a good idea at the present moment. But don't lose sight of the long term consequences of today's actions.”

Maybe he had a point. Maybe. But since when do I listen to things like that?
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Claire Gallows
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Re: With Your Voice In My Head (May 2013)

Post by Claire Gallows »

Newly Risen, How Brightly You Shine, the Epilogue [December 19th]

"My time here is through, Odin."

I said softly, lingering in the doorway of the Celestial Citadel for a far longer moment than I had intended. The serenity and solace given by the tower was immeasurable and probably the thing I would miss the most about this place, other than the water sprites in the garden of course. Odin's extended silence suited my somber demeanor and I didn't even mind that he took 'five-ever' to answer.

"Do you fear what may befall the Isle in your absence?"

He finally asked, testing my calm in a way only he knew how. Now it was my turn to be quiet, free hand resting on the doorway while with my other hand I tightly grasped the vase and flowers the half-elf Ahni had given me. Eventually a small smile curved my lips upwards and I slowly shook my head.

"No...the Isle was here long before any of this," a sweeping gesture went out over the rest of the island, referring to several of the elemental keepers' preparations for whatever the newest ArchMage might plan, "and I imagine it will be here long after. I'm...not worried." The weary smile grew, spreading across my face slowly but surely. It was strange, really, leaving this place with no intention of coming back, at least not in the near future. Maybe someday I would make it back here, at least for now it wasn't something I was going to consider. My loss too fresh, the sting of defeat still too new in my mind. Despite all of that though, I was ultimately at peace with it.

"As you said the other night, everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."

Odin repeated my assurances from the night prior. The words brought a broader smile to my face and I nodded profusely. Uplifted, it mattered little that my feet dragged with each step or that my shoulders slumped with fatigue or even that as I left the tower in the sky there were plans in the works, nefarious and vastly devastating if they were to come to fruition...but still, still everything was going to be alright.
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