Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Faerie tales from beyond the veil to the streets of RhyDin

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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Welcome the whole new pain and take comfort in what you've become.
I waved as I passed myself along the way.
I have arrived so unashamed but my reflection no longer seems the same.
It seems much dimmer now... it seems so dim.
Just stumble and fall into a world that's over crowded.
And you will find me. Won't recognize me; and I won't recognize myself.
--AFI; Exsanguination


It was only with Ishmerai’s prompting, pleading, and finally bullying that she got ready to go to the mecca of RhyDin: the Red Dragon Inn. It had been over two weeks since they had arrived in the city, and while she had given him an official tour, had even been to the cemetery, she had refused to go to the Inn. He was becoming increasingly aggravated and worried for her. She sat and brooded all day, rejecting all of his suggestions for outings. He thought they had made progress at the cemetery but apparently not.

“If this is how you are going to be, then why are we still here? Why not just go back to Faerie and let Muirenn and her ilk do you in just as they want to, just as you apparently want them to?”

That did not seem to faze her at all. She had simply ignored him. Then it was: “Kasimira Ta-Neer, I refuse to sit here and watch you waste away to nothing. If that is your plan, then leave me out of it. If you want to let your troubles consume you so badly, then I will leave you to them.” He had even headed towards the door in his frustration.

That was the comment that got her moving around the room, going through the closet of dresses she had brought with her. It was the first time he had ever seriously threatened to leave her, and the threat of it was enough to make her move.

“Are you ready to fight back?” He asked hopefully.

“No. But I will continue to live just to please you and spite anyone who wants me dead.”

Kasimira proceeded to spend the entire day getting prepared. She spent an exorbitant amount of time bathing, and her chosen dress made of forget-me-nots was lying on the bed. However, she was currently absorbed in staring at herself, unrobed as she was, in a full-length mirror. She frowned at what she saw but found it fitting all the same: her internal wasting away was reflected on her physicality. She could easily count her ribs now, and her elbows and knees had all become sharp protruding angles. There had been a time when she had been fuller, even a little curvy. Then she had preferred thin and fit, her graceful frame toned with lean muscle. Now, even that was gone.

Flesh on her bones was not the only thing missing. She pressed her fingers roughly into her pale skin, forming little bruises where scars had once been. The draughts and magic of Faerie had perfected her, erasing not only her memories of the past but their physical presence as well. They had truly taken everything she was from her. Kasimira pressed hard on the inside of her calf; a bruise for where Alex had shot her. She dug her pointer finger along her lower abdomen; a line for when Moradin was born. Three jabs she gave to each of her lower arms; scars for Skyler that were long gone. She continued in this way for some time, pleased with the grotesque vision she presented in the mirror when she was done: the bruises across her body matched the ones under her eyes from lack of sleep, and they all reflected the hurt inside.

She pulled her dress and a sweater over the mess she had made of her body in order to conceal it. Later, she played with her hair, styling it in countless ways before she just let it fall in a silvery-gray wave down her back. Finally, she adjusted her glamour until she was satisfied with the results—it was her but a different her. “No one will recognize you like that,” Ishmerai commented upon coming into the room and looking over her shoulder at her reflection in the mirror.

“That’s the point,” she responded sharply.

“But what if your friends and family are still around? Even they will not recognize you like this.”

She shook her head. “It is not that easy, Merai. To them, I am truly dead. You saw the tombstone. I cannot just be here suddenly and expect to pick back up where I left off.”

“You keep saying that, but I do not understand. Why can you not pick up where you left off? They are your family; I am sure they will welcome you back.”

She slammed her hairbrush down on the vanity. “Because it is not what I want! That girl is dead. I cannot just take back the last several hundred years and be her again. She is gone. If I want to be something here, be someone again, it will be someone different. It has to be because I am different.”

He just nodded, leaning over to kiss the top of her head before leaving the room. It would do no good arguing with her, trying to show her that it didn’t have to be like this, that maybe she wasn’t really that different even after all these years.

While they ate dinner—or while he ate and she made a pathetic show of pretending to eat—he plied her with questions to try and keep up her spirits. “And why is this place called the Red Dragon Inn? Are there many red dragons in these parts still?”

“Not that I know of. At least there weren’t any when I was here last. The name comes from the head of a dragon mounted on the wall in the Inn.”

“And why do you go there for information? To find out about your family and friends? There are many other bars in this city from what I saw.”

“There are, but the Dragon is where my entire life in this city has happened. It is where anyone who is anyone will be. It is where everything started for me, so if there is something left for me to find in RhyDin, it will be at the Inn.”

“Will you allow me to accompany you inside?”

“No, Merai. I think this is something I must do alone.”
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Take the time just to listen
When the voices screaming are much too loud,
Take a look in the distance,
Try and see it all,
Chances are that ya might find,
That we share a common discomfort now
I feel I'm walking a fine line
Tell me only if it's real
--Avenged Sevenfold; Buried Alive


That same night: “I want to go. Now!” She practically barked at him, not stopping her race from the Red Dragon Inn to even make sure he was following as she headed out into the city.

“Wait! What happened? Are you all right?” he cursed himself as he rushed to catch up with her. Why had he let her go in there alone? She was so vulnerable; she had been so nervous. It had taken her a half an hour just to get up enough courage to stand on the porch.

She couldn’t even see where she was going. She just took big gulps of the cool night air. Everything was spinning. The stars swirled overhead. The street whirled and waved before her. Finally, she stumbled. Ishmerai was there to take her arm, guide her to a bench, and sit her down. He placed his arm across the back of the bench behind her, brows lifting in surprise as she curled up next to him, dropping her head into his lap.

“They were all there,” she said in a whisper, disbelief marking her tone.

“Who was there, Mira?”

“I walked in and he was just standing there. Standing there like he always was, like the very beginning.” Her eyes were closed tight and he wondered what she was remembering: the events of this night or one long past.

“I panicked. I thought for a moment that time had escaped me—I thought for a moment that maybe I was here somehow before I even left. And I just didn’t know. I didn’t know. I saw my gravestone, so I know I left and was gone, but my brother was just standing there. He even looked at me, Merai! Just a moment. I couldn’t even look back.”

“Oh Mira,” he stroked her hair. It was not a gesture that came naturally to the warrior, but around her... she changed people.

“And then,” it sounded like a sob was choking all of her words, the panic she had felt earlier, the confusion of past and present, who she was then and now, all slamming together. “Then Alex was there. He was there! I didn’t even have to see him because I felt him.” Her hands formed little fists, pressing roughly into her eyes. “How...why? This isn’t what this was supposed to be.”

“Then what was it supposed to be? Is this not what you wanted in a way? Needed? Hiding all these days in the room, scared that everything you knew was gone?”

She shook her head. “No. I was scared it would all be the same.”

“What? Why?”

She sat up suddenly, looking at him with dry, red-rimmed eyes, “Because I have changed beyond recognition, and now I am being taunted by what I once had.”

“You belonged with them once, Mira.”

She looked away, “That was another lifetime. Another me. That girl is dead.”
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle
Everyday another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty
--AFI; ...But Home Is Nowhere


Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel.

April 18—

I am so confused. My mind is in complete tumult. Why can I not find my footing? There was a time when I was confidence itself or at least appeared to be. People said it oozed from my very pores.

I am a mess now. After the ceremony, I fell apart. They have taken me apart piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. I think I died. Can I admit it? I have wanted to die. I want these memories, these feelings, to go away. I simply cannot take the pressure anymore. It is suffocating my very soul.

But now, for a brief moment last night, there was a spark of something inside me.

Could I have what I once had? Do I even want that? Does it really exist or is it only the fantasy of a memory? If given the chance to be that girl again, would I take it? I simply do not know anymore.

There was a time, for many years after first going to Faerie, that I would have jumped at the chance for my old life back. It had been burnt to the ground, but surely I could be her again, couldn’t I? In my memories, that girl is so happy. So loved.

But I am not that girl. The years have changed me. At some point, I stopped yearning for what I once had and accepted what I had instead. I grew to accept it and to perhaps even love it in some way.

Now that is gone too. I have let it slip through my fingers. I have not fought for it; I have no energy to fight for it. No desire. But there is nothing to replace that now. No greater calling, desire... no destiny.

And then there I was again last night, standing in the very Inn that had given me life before. And Brian was standing there as if little time has passed. He said my name! I think my heart may have stopped. And then Alex. Alex. The memories are a blur, but I do remember the ache that never quite left my heart when I knew he was gone. But then he was standing there, with her. The sight of him, so much like Moradin, so much like Kerrick. It hurt.

When am I? How much time has passed for them? Am I just a distant memory? I wanted answers last night, and instead I am more lost than ever before.

The cosmos are playing a joke on me. Seeing them standing there, I thought for a moment that I had been brought back here before I had even left somehow. The years peeled away from me, and I was waiting for me—the old me—to come walking into the Inn to be with them. For a moment, I wanted so desperately to be that other girl, the one I was once. I could be amongst them again. I could be happy.

I cannot be her, though. She is gone. There is nothing left of her inside of me. I don’t belong anywhere it seems.

I thought I had returned here to truly die, to be with my loved ones once more even if it was only in death. But now I wonder. They mentioned a summons last night. Was that my dream with Amanda? I had it again. Were their voices haunting me, calling to me? Were they calling me back here?

Why?

What peace can there be for me here? Anywhere? What salvation can they offer me?
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

I might Seem a bit peculiar
A bit not right
For though though I try
I remain a stranger
Not of this time
--AFI; Where We Used to Play


Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel:

April 22—

So many faces. So many faces unfamiliar to me. It is terrible. Some are familiar, though, but these are worse. It is like they are from a dream, from something half-remembered or imagined.

The worst: I do not recognize my own face.

Nothing seems real.
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Hope unknown. Sometimes just waking is surreal.
I walk right through the nameless ones.
I know that hope's unknown.
Sometimes the water feels so real.
As I walk through it fills my lungs, my god, I'm drowning.
This day never seems to end.
This pain, never.
The rage I cannot let go.
--AFI; Totalimmortal


Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel.

April 29—

Ishmerai forced me to go out to the Inn tonight again. So many strange faces again. I feel lost in a sea of strangers.

I feel just plain lost.

I am standing outside a giant bubble, looking in on the lives of others. I am an observer, but I am not a participant. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be. I press my hands against the barrier but cannot get in.

I had a lovely conversation with two nice looking young men this evening. It was normal but not? I felt like I was playing some part that I am supposed to play or used to play rather than just being. I do not know how to be. It felt so easy for a few minutes to climb into that familiar skin: laugh, wink, smile, flirt. Play the coquet. Make them love you.

But I am still empty inside—drowning.

The ache refuses to go away. As do the screams. It takes so much concentration to hear anything past the noise.
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Give me something I can take
Can take to make the memories fade.
Poison kiss, remember this,
I never was meant for this day.
--AFI; Fainting Spells


Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel

May 4—

I do not know why I insisted on going last night. Beltane holds too many memories. Yes, it was (almost) always an enjoyable festivity in Faerie. Those memories do not sting like the ones from RhyDin.

My first Beltane in RhyDin was with Stephen.

Why does that hurt so much still? It shouldn’t. It didn’t used to. Everything hurts now.

Seeing everyone there last night.. they were all so happy together. And the family has grown. There are more sisters and brothers, people all over the place. I am not needed here. I have been forgotten.

I drank myself silly last night, hoping to forget. It just made the emptiness worse.
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

I fell into yesterday
Our dreams seemed not far away
I want to, I want to, I want to stay
I fell into fantasy
--AFI; The Days of the Phoenix


Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel

May 6—

Saw Issy this evening. And Cor! It felt like some other time, like I was some other person.

For a moment, I deluded myself. I thought perhaps that not everything is lost. Perhaps it is just within my reach. All I need to do is reach out and grab hold of it.

I laughed and the weight on my chest suddenly did not seem so bad. The pain didn’t hurt quite so much. But it is only ever for a moment.

I so love to fool myself.

When the pain returned, it was worse than ever. I am taunting myself with what I once had.
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Lost the meaning of our stay
Learn to live another day
Doubt the choices that we've made
I know that we can't hide our shame
It's only in disguise
--Avenged Sevenfold; Victim


Ishmerai watched her over his newspaper as she played with her food at breakfast. The silence stretched on between them, continuing from where it had started the previous night. It was not a pleasant, companionable silence. It was strained. He put the paper down with a sigh, “Are you ready to speak about last night?”

She set her fork down, sitting back in her chair and meeting his eyes. “What is it that you want me to say?”

“You could tell me what happened.” She just shrugged. “You walked out of the Inn looking almost happy for a moment, and then you spent the rest of the night brooding, not saying a single word.”

She eyed her food again, as if the answer was there spelled out in mushy eggs and uneaten toast. “I spoke to my brother last night,” she admitted quietly.

“And?”

“And what?” She snapped, eyes back on him. “He didn’t know me. No one does.”

“Mira, we talked about this,” he said gently. “You were the one who did not want people to recognize you.”

“I know but...”

“If you’ve changed your mind, you know what you have to do.”

She shook her head, “No, I haven’t changed my mind.”

They fell into silence again, and it was up to Merai to break it once more. “So you spoke with your brother?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

She gathered her hair in her hands, twisting it. “It was... nice. I wanted to run from him at first, but he was so polite and I just couldn’t; I couldn’t run from him. I think he must have noticed me watching him the last few weeks,” she said a bit sheepishly. She was not as stealthy as Ishmerai.

He laughed a little, “If what you’ve told me about him is true, then I am sure he has noticed. You are not always subtle.” She stuck her tongue out at him. “So the conversation went well overall?”

“I suppose so.” She actually bit down on the twist of hair she had made before letting it fall to her shoulders again. “It’s just confusing. He said he’d been away from RhyDin too. But now he’s back, and he’s just always so surrounded by family. There is no place for me; I just don’t think I’m meant to be a part of that again.”

“I think you’re just scared to try.”

She frowned, staring down at her hands as she played with some crumbs on the table instead of her hair now. She always had to be occupied with something. “I am not needed, Ishmerai. Life here has moved on just fine without me, as I intended it to when I left. I was the one that wanted them to believe I was dead and gone.”

“But you’re not,” he pointed out the obvious.

“Only a part of me has survived, and it is not a part that they know. I am not who they knew.”

He ignored the latter part of what she said; they had been going in circles all week arguing about whether or not she was truly dead, who she was, and so on. “I am sure they would be thrilled to know that any part or form of you was still alive.”

“Maybe,” she replied, clearly unconvinced.

“What else is it? And do not bother denying it; I can tell there is something more on your mind.”

Now she had a napkin in her hands, and she was twisting it to pieces. Her voice was filled with anguish and self-loathing when she spoke. “Merai... I have failed them. How can I possibly return to them without the children? I have let them all down, and they will hate me for it.”

He was baffled. “But that was beyond your control, Mira. They cannot possibly hold you responsible for what others have done. You have tried everything, given up everything, in your attempts to get them back.”

“And yet I still do not have them, do I? I have proven myself useless. Pointless. I gave my life for them, but even that was not enough. Nothing I can do or be is ever enough.” This last part she added almost in a whisper, “And now, diminished as I am? Of what use or help or anything can I ever be to anyone?”

“You know that is not how anyone views you, Mira. How can I convince you of this?”

The truth was clear to them both: he couldn’t.
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign
--Avenged Sevenfold; Victim


When Ishmerai entered the bedroom to check on Kasimira, she was already gone for the day. He did a room-by-room search of the small hotel suite, but it did not yield his lady. He stood in the center of the main room, rubbing at the spot just over his eyebrows. She didn’t even leave a note to make his life easier. He gave her some credit, though; even diminished as she was, she was still incredibly stealthy. With a sigh, he put on a light jacket to ward off the slight morning chill and took off into the city in search of Kasimira.

The city was still unfamiliar to him, and he cursed her internally as he sometimes walked in circles in his search. There were hundreds of places she could be, many perhaps that she had not even showed him yet. He did not think her that cruel, though, so he only visited the places he knew of that were meaningful to her. The Inn was empty so early in the morning, as even the drunks had already headed home or passed out. He uncomfortably searched the graveyard, respectfully nodding to those mourning there but not finding the one he sought. He made the hike into the woods, but no one inhabited the derelict building she named a clubhouse; he left there quickly, swearing he could hear the insane laughter of ladies carried on the spring breeze.

Ishmerai finally came upon her, kneeling amongst wild uncut grass and weeds. Here and there pieces of brick and mortar could still be seen as well as structure beams. She appeared bowed in prayer, but Ishmerai knew that she did not have anyone to pray to. “I would appreciate a note next time.” He couldn’t quite leave the frustration out of his voice; it had been tiring work tracking her around the city.

When she looked up at him, it was clear she had been crying. “They call today mothers’ day. A day for children to honor their mothers. But there is no one to honor me anymore, and I am not deserving of it anyways.” The tears flowed anew down her cheeks.

“Mira...”

“I thought, since I had failed them here...” she gestured uselessly to the blank land that used to be her home, the home of her family, “that maybe...” She shook her head, wiping uselessly at her eyes, only managing to spread a bit of dirt across her cheek. Even she did not know what she had been thinking in coming here. The very ground was saturated with memories. It was overwhelming.

“You are still their mother, Mira.”

Her hands knotted in the grass surrounding her. “But I do not even have their portraits here with me, Merai. They are so far away. So unreachable. How do I know they aren’t suffering? What if they’re in pain? They could need me, and I can’t hear their calls! What if they truly are dead, and I’m just sitting here...I am sitting here and they are gone.” She started ripping the grass out in large tufts, her movements spastic and uncontrollable. “I am gone. I am not needed; I am not wanted... I cannot be anything.”

He sighed as her rambling became more incoherent, her breathing quickening as anxiety took over. Finally he knelt next to her and wrapped his arms about her. “Do you remember when I met you?” He asked. She nodded against his shoulder. “And do you remember what you told me when we first set out together?” She shook her head ‘no’; everything, even more recent memories, was a blur in her mind.

So he reminded her of when they met, and the devotion he had felt for the woman who was so clearly devoted to her children:

They sat on the sand, their backs up against pieces of driftwood; the inky darkness around them was only illuminated by the fire amidst the semi-circle they created and the shining stars overhead. Those with the best eyesight could sometimes make out the signal of their ship, anchored away off shore. Ishmerai did not watch for the ship, though or look at the others that sat across from him and the lady at his side. The others were busy: laughing, joking, eating, and making plans. Kasimira—no, she was still Jewell then—sat beside him and meticulously wrapped her injured arm with a skilled hand.

“Do you require any assistance, M’lady?”

She shook her head, the tip of her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated. Finally, when her arm was wrapped to her satisfaction, she turned her attention to Ishmerai. “Thank you but the salve has worked wonders already, and I do have plenty of experience with such hurts.”

He merely nodded, trying to puzzle out the growing mystery that was his new liege-lady. They sat in silence some moments, her gaze fixated on the fire while his was on her, before he posed a question. “Your men, they speak about the journey that lies ahead for you and the reason you are in my lands. Who is this artist that you seek?”

She nodded slowly, digging her heels into the sand. “The artist,” she said slowly, “is not sought for who he or she is but for what they will hopefully be able to do for me.”

“Is it not a lot of trouble to go through for a mere court artist, M’lady?” He spoke deferentially, questioning her journey in confusion rather than criticism.

She smiled a little, “It would certainly seem that way to most, Ishmerai. But the artist I seek is no mere court artist. I am looking for an artist with a particular skill set, one beyond the usual talents that even the greatest artists of Faerie have.” Her smile strengthened at his apparent confusion. “Tell me, Ishmerai, have you ever seen anyone painted into a picture before?”

He shook his head, “No, M’lady. I have heard tell of such acts, but I have not seen them with my own eyes.”

“I have.” The fingers of her good hand curled into a fist, her nails surely biting into the palm of her hand. “I am told that many artists have the potential for such a talent, but it belongs to the elite who have truly perfected it to use it.”

“And you would like to have this done to someone, M’lady? An enemy perhaps?” Not for the first time, he doubted his actions in swearing his life to this woman.

“No!” She said harshly and loudly enough for the others gathered to pause in their conversations, looking at her with concern. She waved them away, waiting until the hum of their speech granted her privacy with Ishmerai once more. “No, Ishmerai. I do not think I would commit such an act even to get revenge on my greatest of enemies. It is cruel... too cruel.” She stared at the fire again. “The person you love is always beyond your reach. They stare back at you unseeing, unhearing. The days grow long and the seasons pass for you, but your loved ones remain unchanged. Untouchable.” She looked solemnly to him. “It is a very cruel fate, Ishmerai.”

“And this... this painting has been done to someone you care for?”

“My aunt,” she spit the term out, “the dear Lady Conventina, now sadly deceased, in her finest act of heartlessness, had my children stolen from me and painted into portraits in order that I would do her will and be at her command.” She nodded, smiling grimly at the look on his face. “When I failed in fulfilling the terms of our agreement, which it later emerged would have meant my untimely death, she had the very talented artist that painted the portraits put to death.”

“M’lady, I...”

She held up her hand, forestalling any words of condolence or sympathy. “So my sole duty in life, Ishmerai, is to find an artist capable of returning my children to me. This is who you have devoted yourself to; a woman bent on the restoring of her children at whatever cost. I have been assured that my children do not feel pain, that they do not know sorrow. I was told that they merely wait for me, dreaming beautiful dreams. But I have been lied to before, Ishmerai. That is why I will cross that desert,” she turned slightly pointing away off in the distance that neither of them could see, “and risk the lives of my men and myself. Being heir to my family, being a capable leader... none of it matters to me unless it somehow serves my purpose, and my purpose is to see each and every one of their smiling faces before me, to feel their warm little arms around me, to have them live once again and devote my life to their happiness and well-being.”

“And you are sure that such an artist that is capable of rescuing your children lies beyond that desert yonder?”

“Nope,” she shook her head, turning back to the fire once more. “But it does not really matter if I am sure. If there is a rumor, I will follow it. I will follow it to my own ruin if need be.”


“Those were the words of a mother who loves her children more than anything, Mira. The words of a woman more than deserving of honor. The woman you are inside.”

His story calmed the broil of emotions inside her to a more controllable simmer, his voice soothing to her frazzled nerves. But she still rejected his reassurances; they could not save her from despair. “All the love in the world has done me no good, Merai. The one thing that I need is power, and I have lost that, and in losing it, I am afraid I have lost them forever as well. And in losing them, I have lost myself.”
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

I Know I'm
With strangers
I recognize
And I
I realize
My own disowned me
Well never mind
--AFI; Where We Used to Play


“Last night was not a good night,” she thought to herself. “It was not an extraordinarily bad night, not worse than many others, but it was still not good.”

Kasimira sat on a cushy chair, her legs tucked beneath her and her chin resting on her folded arms as she stared out the window. RhyDin was distorted by the falling rain, warped as the liquid ran down the window panes. After being snipped at and snubbed, Ishmerai had left her alone for the afternoon. He had actually gone out, choosing the wet weather over the brooding lady. She was always prickly when it rained these days. She said it was because it always took her by surprise. She could no longer feel it, sense it, be a part of it. Therefore, it no longer held any comfort for her. Kasimira and the water she once so loved were estranged.

So instead of dancing outside, hopping from puddle to puddle like a child and luxuriating in the rain as it fell, Kasimira sat inside and stared without at what was now kept from her. She had not mentioned it to Ishmerai, but her chest ached today. It was the same spot every time; it was where she felt the heart of her magic had rested before it was viciously torn from her. She felt this ghost pain occasionally after a particularly bad dream or when she tried to exert herself magically. Last night, though, when Harris had made that simple offhand comment... It was just part of the natural flow of their conversation really.

The pain had almost taken her breath away.

“You've got that goddess power anyway though, right?” Harris had asked, mocking an earlier comment she had made.

But she didn’t have those goddess powers anymore. She didn’t have anything. She had lost it all and was still in mourning. If it would only stop hurting. If the screaming would quit and she could forget what she had lost, then maybe she could move on. She closed her eyes against it, but that was worse. She saw herself as they performed the ceremony, unable to stop it. Helpless. Useless. Pointless. And when she opened her eyes, she saw herself reflected in the rain-splattered window, distorted just like the city below. She was indistinct, a nothing trying to find a niche in this city that had opened its arms to her once. She had no form, no sense of self.

Yet she refused to take on that persona of the past. But as much as she didn’t want to be recognized still, as much as she insisted that she was not that other girl that had belonged here, she still didn’t want that other girl to be forgotten. So it had hurt too, when Harris had so simply scoffed that, “Nobody else with blue hair matters.” Hadn’t she mattered once? She had thought so. Now she wasn’t even sure. Maybe it had just been pity or her own delusions.

Issy hadn’t said anything to counter Harris’ statement.

Maybe she hadn’t really mattered to anyone. If she had, she certainly did not now. Maybe coming back here was all a big mistake. Everything was so confused in her head. She was filled with maybes: Maybe her past in RhyDin was just a made-up memory. Maybe she had never even been the Empress. Maybe she had never been a Ravenlock. Maybe she didn’t matter to anyone, even Ishmerai. Maybe her children were better off without her, locked away forever from the hurt and pain of this world. Maybe she was delusional, going stark raving mad, and no one had the heart to tell her. Maybe she had committed treason. Maybe she did deserve this fate. Maybe she didn’t even deserve to live.

She quit staring out the window and buried her face in her arms instead. She could not face the distorted form of herself. And as she tried to hide from it, she could feel her executioner’s icy hand on her head again, this time squeezing tightly. This time, it was taking everything she was inside, not just her magic. Thoughts. Memories. Everything was disappearing and nothing remained.

Maybe if they took it all, the pain would finally stop.

[] Direct quotes taken from live play in the RDI on May 16, 2013[]
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JewellRavenlock
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

Help me find my way
I said help me find my way
No pulse inside of me
Stone cold lips and heresy
All lies into a degree
Losing who I wanna be
--Avenged Sevenfold; Save Me


Ishmerai waited somewhere outside the cemetery gates again only with many reassurances that Kasimira would not have a mental breakdown once inside. It had been clear that neither of them quite believed her, but he allowed her to enter on her own regardless.

They had spent all morning visiting flower shops, their search resulting in the bouquet of blue roses Mira had in her hand. She felt silly bringing flowers to her own grave, and Ishmerai had no qualms telling her how foolish it was seeing as how she was not actually dead, but there she was anyways. She always got her way, and today was no exception. As silly as it felt, she still desired to pay homage to that girl that was gone. She wanted to honor her in some way, hoping that perhaps it would give her some closure. Perhaps she’d be able to let her go and move on, become someone new instead of clinging to the past.

It wasn’t meant to be.

She stopped short of the gravestone because Brian Ravenlock was standing there. He was standing there talking to her. Not her but the dead her. The one that she didn’t think existed anymore. But then why was the man that was once her brother talking to her like she was real? Like he missed her. Like he somehow needed her. Did he? Her heart started pounding. The June sun felt abnormally hot beating down upon her. The woman that was always cold suddenly broke out in a sweat.

It was possible that she stopped breathing.

No longer completely in command of her own body or her own thoughts, Kasimira stumbled forward a step or two. The flowers fell forgotten to the ground. “Brian?” She sounded desperate, his name a cry and plea for help. “Brian Ravenlock... Do you know me?”

"She's—I swear, Jewe—huh?" Brian turned to see someone, as his eyes widened in clear shock, as he rose to his feet. "Kasimira!? Do I--- know you?" The words hit him in a such a way... His eyes took the woman in, as he moved to her, his hands stretched out to help her steady herself more so. "Know you?"

"Kasimira, are you al---alright?" His voice lowered, as he looked to the woman once more, seeing something he had only up until now felt

She could not overcome the shock at finding him there. It was unexpected. It did not fit with the situation she had created in her mind: Jewell dead and forgotten; everyone moved on; no real hope to cling to. She grasped his offered hand like it was a lifeline, which it in fact was for her. "I.. no. Not Kasimira," she shook her head. Yes, it was the name she had taken for herself, but it was not who she was, at least not with Brian. She didn't give herself time to question her actions, to doubt what she was about to do. Instead, she just let her glamour fall to dust around her. In her place, Jewell Ravenlock stood in RhyDin once more as herself. The hair was still long and silvery-gray, but everything else belonged to the sister Brian once knew. She was worn down by time and the trials it had inflicted upon her, but she was still the same in many ways: eyes, nose, the shape of her lips, the curve of her ears. "No, you knew me by another name once."

The shift was felt before it was seen, which caused Brian to back up somewhat while keeping the woman steady. His eyes were still somewhat widened, and now even more so as the revelation before him sunk in with the impact of a hammer to the chest. His breath was stolen, in the most literal of ways, as the hands that held her trembled more so. A soft shake of his head as her voice took him once more to a time so long ago.

"J...." The letter said softly, more like a plea. Eyes of blue became blurred with a welling he had not felt in years. A pang, such a pang tore at him so very deeply, as he truly realized in his heart of hearts that this was no charade what so ever, that this woman he had literally talked of moments ago, and before then weeks ago to his own wife, was in fact someone he had missed so dearly every day for the last three years, and so much longer than that if one were to truly know. A woman he had given his life to so many years ago. "It's you isn't it? It's always been
you... You--- You're here, with me... Like I've wanted all this time... This isn't a dream, is it... Kasa--- Jewell... Jewell... Empress..."

The man known as Brian Ravenlock rarely lost his senses, yet, at that moment, he fell to his knees in a shudder as his arms wrapped about the woman before him. Tears flowed freely from the eldest Ravenlock as he realized finally and truthfully that he was holding his own sister Jewell in his arms. "Jewell.. I--gods, how..." His eyes looked up to her so full of tears.

She shook her head, though it was unclear in regards to what. It was all too much. Nothing was making sense or getting through to her. He was happy? Were those tears of joy? It was overwhelming. He embraced her. When was the last time anyone but Ishmerai had done so? No one expressed such kindness and love to her anymore; her body didn’t even know how to respond right away, remaining stiff and unyielding. It was the name that finally grabbed her attention, though. Jewell. It rang through her head. Maybe she was still that girl because a part of her deep inside, a part that could not be erased no matter how much time had passed, responded to that name on his lips. "I.. I don't know." It was the only response she could articulate at first, her fist wiping furiously at her eyes. How did those tears get there? Why were they there? Was she happy? Sad? "I am not really her, but I am." The overflow of emotions finally freed itself in a nervous laugh mixed with her tears. "And I'm here. Actually here, with you. This is real." She had to say it out loud, to hear it, to make it so. Nothing had felt real these past weeks.

Trying so hard to regain himself, Brian lifted to his feet slowly. Hands rose to wipe his own eyes, as they took the sight of Jewell in once more. A hand lifted to her, as a caress of cheek followed. A bit of a recoil, as he felt her skin for the first time in so many years. As he did so, a soft breeze took the hill they were upon, as leaves began to rustle more so. This caused Brian to glance behind them but a moment. What he saw caused his eyes to widen yet again. A single candle, her candle, was no longer aflame. His eyes shifted to her, and then to the candle; back and forth as he realized even more so: this...was...real.

His arms wrapped about her once more in a tight hug as he lifted her from the ground, into a somewhat twirl. Setting her down, he smiled warmly and leaned to her, giving a kiss to that head of hers. "I felt.... I knew somehow.. Someday. I felt it... You... You left something behind that I saw... And told no one else... But--- I even doubted, when years passed... I never forgot though." Brian quieted, and simply took in his sister.

The pain that always lingered in her chest these days, the pressure that weighed her down, didn't seem so bad at the moment. A lightness filled her, the calm and peace that she had felt in her dream when Amanda lead her back to this place: back to RhyDin. This was why. This is what Amanda meant for her to find. A sudden burst of happiness, an emotion that felt somewhat foreign to her, had her babbling almost incoherently. "Everything fell apart for me, and I didn't know where to turn. And Amanda.. I think she lead me here, back to you.. back to the family." She shook her head, knowing she made little sense. "I didn't know how to tell you, tell anyone.. and I was afraid. I thought maybe," and there was the sorrow again, overpowering her and choking her words. "I thought maybe I was really gone from here, that I couldn't ever come back. I wasn't needed or wanted or.. I didn't belong. Because I'm not the same." She wiped at her face again since those tears insisted on falling. "I lost Jewell along the way; I don't know if I can really be her anymore. I think she's gone. But I had to try something, have to try something. I couldn’t go on anymore."

"You're home... That's what matters. You're here. I lost Brian once too, you know..." Brian said softly. “Jenai got him back...Alex was found again too.. And here, we have you... You made it back, and we never forgot you. No matter what happened, you were never forgotten, love. Whatever you think, or lost it doesn't matter. You're home."

His reassurances, words that reflected the ideas that Ishmerai had repeated insistently the last few weeks, were hard to absorb. They were too good to be true. She was not forgotten. She was loved. Maybe even needed, wanted. "I didn't know.. I didn't remember. I thought," again she shook her head, trying to free herself from all the conflicting ideas in her mind. "I've been changed so much," her voice was softer now. "They've stolen everything from me, so nothing made sense anymore. But a part of me must have known. I must have known somehow that if I could get back here, maybe everything could be okay. Maybe it could all make sense again. This place was my last hope."

"Whatever you need, we're here. Whatever it takes, we'll find a way. We always have, and we always will."

She threw her arms around him this time, hugging him tight with what little strength her enfeebled frame had. "I missed you," she admitted, although it went without saying. It was the clearest thought in her mind right now.

The hug was returned in kind, as a deep breath was taken. "I missed you too, love. Forever, and a day... And now, we're all home again." There were so many questions, and the like. Of course there'd be! But that could wait for now. What was more important than anything was the mere fact that Jewell Ravenlock—in some way, shape or form—had finally returned to the family, which never once gave up hope on her.

She stepped back a little and just looked at him. It felt good to look at him and know him and have him know her. These past few weeks, as she had wandered around RhyDin like an outsider, a stranger, a ghost, had done nothing to heal the hurt inside. But now, she wasn't just outside looking in anymore. She was in the here and now. She was alive. She was home. The ground felt solid beneath her feet for once. "We have a lot to talk about, brother." There was her smile, a grin that she offered him. It didn't feel affected or forced; it felt natural. Normal. Her world had stopped tilting for the time being.

"That we do sister, that we do..." That smile was returned indeed, as he felt it too. A void that had long been felt was not as such. Many more emotions of course came to mind, the most of which was relief and thankfulness. Brian held her there, thanking the gods that after all this time she had found her way back.

[]Adapted from live play: June 3, 2013[]
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JewellRavenlock
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Re: Save Me (Originally Posted 2013)

Post by JewellRavenlock »

This is how I feel
This is where I stand
This is what I can do
And this is who I am
Now I see my face
Like it was the first time
I don't know what's changed
But now it feels like mine
--Zox; Line in the Sand


Hours after her reunion with Brian, Kasimira sat on the balcony of her hotel suite with Ishmerai, watching the sun set over RhyDin. The brilliant oranges, pinks and purples that colored the sky, coupled with the ambient noise of the city below, helped to heighten the sense of peace that had come over her that afternoon. Yes, the pain was still there and the grief. Those might never leave her, but the burden of them was lighter now. It was all easier to bear.

It wasn’t that her meeting with Brian and the conversation they had afterwards had solved all of her problems by any means. She hadn’t even told him about her magic or the children yet. Just knowing that she was in RhyDin now, that she was welcomed here, wanted, needed, had been missed was enough to calm her worries and fears. Other discussions would come in time, and with them the healing she desperately needed. She had returned to her family badly broken, yet Brian had still opened his arms to her. Perhaps others would do the same when she gave them a chance. Nothing could surpass the hope this gave to her, hope that salvation could be just within reach. The only maybe in her mind now was that maybe it was not too late.

“So we will stay here now, Mira?” Ishmerai asked, looking at his companion. She sat with her temple against the glass balcony doors, her feet resting on her seat and her arms wrapped about her legs, hugging them to her chest. Her eyes were closed as the evening washed over her, lending her face the color it lacked.

“Yes, Merai. We will stay here for now.”

“And no more hiding away from everything?”

“Mmm,” she pressed her lips together as if thinking about it. Then she opened her eyes, giving him a faint smile; it was more genuine than anything he had seen from her in months. Even that small smile on her thin face was beautiful to him. “No. I guess no more hiding away. I am not ready to just drop my glamour, have everyone know it is me, though. But maybe one day.” She let the noise of the city fill the space in their conversation while she lost herself in thought, and he did not try and break the companionable silence that fell between them. Rather, he was lost in his own thoughts and emotions, overcome by the sense of relief he felt. Challenges still lay ahead, but he believed their crisis had reached its peak today. For the first time in over a year, Ishmerai felt like he could breathe again.

It was getting dark when she finally spoke up once more. “Do you think there’s a chance I can be her again, Ishmerai?” She asked him quietly, earnestly. Gray eyes sought out the silhouette of his face and the green eyes that never could lie to her.

“You know I do, Mira. She’s a part of you. Nothing anyone can or has done to you can ever quench that fire you have inside.”

She nodded a little, turning her head so she could see her reflection in the balcony doors, only inches away from her face. What Ishmerai said was true. So much had been taken from her, but there was still that flickering ember inside. It was time to stoke it into flames once more. She stared at her mirror-image, illuminated as it was by the city lights behind her. She could see herself clearly now: no glamour to hide behind, no distortions and magic tricks. She acknowledged to herself that if she could not truly be Jewell again, there were other choices, other avenues to take. It was in her nature to be remade again and again, reinventing herself as needed. She flashed her reflection a tentative smile. Without even realizing it, Kasimira had made a decision: the decision to try life again.
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